Fool of Me
by Nicole Lo
Summary: Minisong fic stories on pregnancy, STDs, eating disorders, addiction, abuse, death, etc. Alex, Manny, Spinner, Jimmy, Hazel, Paige, Fareeza, Terri, Marco, Ashley, Craig, Sean, Ellie, JT, Liberty, etc. Alternate Ending Parts ONE and TWO up!
1. Part One: Fool of Me

Fool of Me

By: Nicole Lopez

Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi or its characters, or this song, but I do own the idea!

(a/n: I danced to this song and I thought it would be a cool fan fiction, so enjoy! Check it out! Meshell N. And, if I get enough reviews, I'll add more about another character. Who do you want to hear about?)

'**I remember when you filled my heart with joy was I blind to the truth just there to fill the space cause now … you have no interest in anything that I have to say'**, the song on the radio began. I always hated this song. How it told my entire life story and reminded me of all the mistakes I had made in the past.

Somehow I knew all along that I was kidding myself, like people in high school could actually have something that was so real that no one could get between it. But I never thought little Miss "save the trees" would be the one.

I still couldn't look at Jay. All I wanted to do was kill him, but kiss him, and then kill him again. How could he? He was the closest that I'd ever been to being in love … like I want to be with you beyond high school love, but he threw it all away like it didn't even matter. I sighed to myself taking a puff of my cigarette. Foolish me.

'**And I allowed you to make me feel, I feel so dumb. What kind of fool am I?' **

I knew what happened when my so-called mother feel in love with some sad ass drunk. He beat the shit out of her and she kept calling him back and apologizing, like it was _her_ fault.

'**You so easily, set me aside.'**

"What are you thinking about?" Spinner asked in the driver's side as Alex watched Jay chase after Emma. Not running after her, _chasing _after her, like he had never done for me.

"Nothing." She lied, stroking his hair roughly.

"You look … sad."

"I'm not." I responded, kissing him forcefully. "Just drive." I demanded. "Don't think." If anything I was mad as hell. How could I fall into the very same trap that led Amy into being the biggest whore in all of Toronto? Yet, here I was singing that same old song.

"You can talk to me." Spinner reassured me as I shook my head firmly.

"Just stop the fucking car, okay? I don't need you to think or that talk about your feelings' bullshit." I bolted out of the car before he could come to a complete stop. Anger was the only way I knew how to react and crying was not an option. Not now, not ever.

Yet, all I could think about was the fact that I was about to cry. I could feel my eyes watering and was instantly ashamed of myself. Crying showed vulnerability, and I was not ready to have the entire school pitying me over what happened. Taking one more puff of my cigarette, I rushed into the school just late enough so that the hallways were clear, but early enough to make it to class on time.

"Sup!" Someone called behind me as I rolled my eyes.

"What asshole?" I gave my normal response, ignoring the fact that I knew that voice better than my own. "Oh." My voice softened. "It's you." I practically yelled, frozen in place and unable to decide whether to kick his ass then and there or go find the source of our problems herself.

"Yeah, Alex. You're really making this into something bigger." He tried to explain.

"Stop with the emotional bullshit. You fucked with another girl. I get it. I don't need anymore clues that make it any clearer." I sighed.

'**You say that you don't care but we made love. Tell me why?'**

"I just wanted you to know that … I'm with Emma now."

'**I want to kiss you. Does she want you with the pain that I do? Smell you in my dreams, but now'**

My heart dropped as I kept eye contact with him, careful not to show any kind of emotion. "Good for you." I turned around suddenly and started walking away, and then I turned back around. "Didn't it mean anything? Didn't we almost have it all?" I asked stupidly. I knew what the answer was. I was in love with him … and this was my way of—giving him another chance.

"It's high school." He shrugged, looking away as if none of it meant a damn thing, like he had no interest in me or anything that I would say would change anything.

'**When we're face to face. You won't look me in the eye, no time, no friendship. No love.'**

"But, didn't it mean something …" I repeated as my eyes started watering again. "Don't you care that we made love?" I moved in closer, reaching and longing to touch him.

'**You say don't touch you. I can't touch you no more.' **

Jay threw up his hands in response as if he didn't know what to do with me. "Please … don't touch me … I've gotta go." He turned around.

'**I can't touch you anymore.'**

"Wait." I begged, trying to regain eye contact, but he wasn't looking at me anymore. He looked _past _me to Emma.

'**Anymore.'**

"Hey babe." Jay walked over to her, practically pushing me out of the way to get to her.

'**I feel like such a fool.'**

"Whatever." I stomped away, flicking them both off before terrorizing whoever was left in the hallway to make me feel better. But it didn't.

'**You made a fool of me. Tell me why?'**

They all stared and whispered, and despite my efforts, I was still late to class. But this time, being late was different … I was walking alone. I lost Jay, and most of all, I let him get to me. He made a fool of me, and everyone knew it.

(A/N: Just check out this song from the movie _Love and Basketball_. It's amazing! And review if you're interested in more or if this is not your thing. –NL)


	2. Why Does it Hurt so Bad?

Why Does it Hurt So Bad?

"Stop it!" Ashley yelled as Craig chased after her with a bucket of water. Paige had this supposedly brilliant idea about having a school wide fundraiser to institute a new and improved performing arts program. I really think she did it just so that I would have to see Ashley and Craig together, but I didn't care.

**Why does it hurt so bad?**

"What's going on sweetpea? You've been moping around this entire time." Spinner wrapped his arms around my waist, resting his head on my shoulder.

"Nothing." I moved away quickly, picking up a sponge to show that I was in for the cause.

"What was that?" Spinner wondered, referring to my not-so-happy moods lately.

**Why do I feel so sad?**

"You know how the faculty members get when students get too touchy. And I'm just a little stressed, that's all." Stressed was an exaggeration. I was really freaking out seeing Craig like that with someone else. I hated to be around him because it just made me sad. And I thought I was over it, that JT was my rebound guy. I was wrong.

**I thought I was over you**

"If you need a break, I can cover for you." Spinner offered, hugging me affectionately. I forced myself to smile as he kissed me and I walked toward the ravine, where I knew things would be quiet. No one would be there to disturb me, and most of all see me cry.

**But I keep crying when I don't love you**

And I just didn't get it. Why was I crying over that loser? If I had just let Emma dance with him at that stupid 80s dance, then none of this would be happening. She would be the one being crushed, having killed her first and only child, not me. She would be the one defending her honor as a girl who was good enough to cheat with and have sex with, but not worthy of being loved.

**So why does it hurt so bad?**

That's the honest to God reason why I started dating Spinner anyway. I thought I could love him and that we could share a future. Now I wasn't so sure if I was ready for it. I'm fine until I'm around Craig, but when I see him, I can't forget what happened. That's why it ticks me off that Ms. Kwan paired me with him for our English paper on the ethics of abortion and our in-depth discovery of the childbirth process. Ironic, huh?

**Baby now I thought I had let you go so why does it hurt me so? **

"Hey, who's out there slacking?" I heard Craig joke as he came closer and closer to me and I turned away to wipe my tears, standing up only to find myself face to face with him. "Oh, hey Manny. You okay?"

"Yeah. I'm cool …" My voice trailed off as I started playing with my hair. I always did that when I was lost, confused, and didn't know what to do. So, I just said what was on my mind. "What about that project we have to do? It's due in two days Craig and we haven't even started.

"I know. That's why you, me, Ash, and Marco are going to head to the hospital nursery right after this fundraiser is over." He elucidated.

"And when were you going to tell me this Craig?" I stopped playing with my hair, getting a little defensive and knocking over my purse in the process. Immediately, everything was scattered everywhere.

"I- I don't know. It was Ashley's idea and I don't think she wants me to be alone with you." He began, helping me to pick up everything as I hid the pregnancy test that I had stashed in my purse. I just kept thinking about that little baby I had let go, promising myself that if it happened again, I would do things right.

**I've gotta get you out of my head.**

"It's not like anything's going to happen. I'm completely over you Craig!" I spat out, proud of myself for standing up to him for once as Craig scooped me up and kissed me suddenly. "What was that?" I asked when it was over, keeping my eyes closed as the sensation lingered. One kiss turned into two, then three as Craig and I played the 'kissing game' completely entangled in each other's scents, acting on instinct rather than reason.

**I've gotta get you out of my head**

"Look, th- the fundraiser is almost over. Meet us in the front of the school in five." Craig interrupted as I nodded.

**Ever since the day I left you boy,**

I sighed a sigh of relief when Craig was gone. What had I just let happen and why was I feeling something from it. I thought I was over him, and now … I had to go make it up to Spinner.

"You're back." Spinner smiled as I jumped into his arms, wrapping my legs around him. "Whoa."

"I'm sorry I was grumpy before. I just needed some time alone." I hooked my arm in his as we walked around. "I'm about to tell you something that's going to piss you off, but Marco, Ashley, Craig, and I are going to the hospital--"

"Is something wrong?" He wondered worriedly.

**I must admit life's been kind to me.**

"No. No honey. We have Kwan's project and I'm really wishing that I didn't let Emma talk me into taking this Ethics class." I explained, kissing him slowly. "But it'll be over in two days and I'll be all yours. Promise." He kissed me again as Marco motioned for me to come over to them. Ashley gave me a death stare, while Craig tried not looking at anyone.

"Okay." Spinner sighed. "Just call me and I'll come pick you up. I'm off tonight and we can do dinner … or a movie. Whatever you want. Your wish is my command."

"Oh, sweetie, you make it so hard for me to leave." I giggled, hugging him as he spun me around. "Spin…"

"Yeah?"

**I found someone who loves me for me**

"Do you like love me?" I took in a deep breath, bracing myself for the worst-case scenario.

"Of course I love you Manny." He kissed me as reassurance as the car horn beeped and I knew they were getting impatient.

**Leaving you has been the best thing for me **

"What do you love about me?" I wondered, needing some reassurance.

"Your ability to make me smile no matter what, your beauty, your personality, your vulnerability … everything about you makes me want to be with you."

"Okay." I wrapped my arms around Spinner's neck one more time, realizing that his kisses were so much more genuine than Craig's and that there was no hidden agenda there. He loved me for me and wanted me for me and I was going to have to let this Craig thing go.

**Never again, that's what I said to myself**

But, I still couldn't just get over it. I still couldn't tell Spinner that I loved him, but if Craig wanted me to, I'd tell him every second of the day. I tried looking away from Craig the entire time, but it was impossible. I kept seeing him out of the corner of my eye, knowing that I should've sat behind him instead of Ashley.

As we reached the hospital, Ashley and Craig rushed out of the car, leaving me behind with Marco. I didn't really know what to expect because Marco wasn't really a friend of mine, but he seemed like the only one willing to give me a chance.

"So, what was that all about?" I made up the rear of the group while Marco looked back at me.

"They're threatened by you. There's definitely something still between you and Craig. Don't be offended or anything, I'm sure Ash doesn't hate you but she's just worried that you might come between them again."

I nodded, looking down. I guess she didn't know that she was too late. I ran my tongue around my lips thinking of how Craig had been on them just minutes earlier.

"I wish everyone would just get over that. I have." I lied, following them to the hospital nursery.

"And this is where we put newborn babies that are going up for adoption." One of the nurses explained as Ashley spoke up.

**Oh, never want to feel this kind of pain again**

"I don't see how anyone could do that. Those babies are so precious … could I hold one?"

"Well … we don't usually do stuff like this, but because I know your teacher, I'll make an exception." The nurse said as I looked at her nametag. Kwan. Shari Kwan.

"Craig, isn't he adorable?" Ashley and Craig focused their attention completely on the baby as if it were their own. And they looked so good together….

"Why aren't you over there? Is it too hard after … well, you know?" Marco wondered as I looked at him surprised.

"What do you know about it? Has Ashley gone and told everyone?" I wondered. Somehow I had managed to keep her from telling Craig, but I didn't know how long it was going to last. The deal was that I would stay away from Craig, and look at what was going on now. We would be spending the entire day together.

"No. Just me, but between us I think it would be better if Craig heard it from you rather than from Ashley and the whole school." Marco advised.

"What? She's planning on telling everyone?"

"You didn't hear it from me." I sighed. "Just get Ashley away from him and I'll see what I can do." I sat down in the corner, waiting until Marco made his move. It didn't take very long and I guess Craig wanted to talk about what happened earlier because he decided to stay instead of having a complimentary dinner.

**Just when I think it's over, just when I think it's through**

"So, why are you over here by yourself?" He wondered cheerfully, clueless. Craig was always clueless … to the pain he caused me, to my few weeks of disappearance, and my inability to just get over him already.

"Craig, um … there's something I need to tell you." I began taking a deep breath in. "And this time you have to let me talk. No kissing." I smiled despite myself.

"Okay. Shoot." Craig smiled, in almost too good of a mood for the situation. I couldn't understand it … his emotions were so up and down and impulsive today. It was kind of weird.

"Fine. I never told you this but … last year I got pregnant." I began.

"Really? We have a kid? That's great." Craig hugged me suddenly.

"No. No, you don't understand. I had an abortion."

"What?" He let go of me suddenly.

"But … I thought that's what you wanted." I tried to explain, feeling helpless all over again. Why couldn't I ever please him and make him love me enough to chose me over Ashley? Why?

"No Manny. You should've said something to me … I was going to be a father." He looked at the floor in disbelief. "That's terrible, what you did."

"I know and I'm sorry. That's why this is so hard for m--"

**I find myself right back in love with you**

"We have to get it back. We have to … find a way. I want to be a dad." Craig held my hands in his as if clinging for life. "Can we try again? I mean to have a baby? And promise me you'll keep it." He looked at me as if his life depended on it.

"Come on Craig, what do you mean? What about Ashley? We're still in high school." I explained as he stood up backing away from me.

"No. No! You owe me. You took away a child that I wanted! I want to try again. Please let me. I want to be a father!" He practically screamed as we both stared at each other in silence. Soon after, queen Ashley walked in and took Craig by the arm. They argued for a little while, whispering things back and forth before Ashley glared at me.

**So why does it hurt so bad? Why do I feel so sad?**

"Hey, are you okay?" Marco wondered, appearing out of nowhere.

"Sure." I watched them leave, waiting for Spinner to pick me up, giving me time to contemplate what just happened. Craig wanted to have a baby with me? Why couldn't I just let everything go including him? Why was he always in my thoughts and why couldn't I just let Spinner be good to me?

I wanted to be with him so much that it hurt, but I knew that it couldn't work. It wouldn't. He couldn't give me everything I needed, but Craig was still everything I wanted. I just couldn't believe that I had refused him. It was the right thing to do, but I ended up feeling worse than before.

(A/N: This is Whitney Houston's _Why Does it Hurt So Bad_ from the **Waiting to Exhale Soundtrack**. What do you guys think? I am so happy right now because I just got the International Baccalaureate Diploma after years of hard work. Yah! It took me a while to write this, but I'm also working on my parts for Fareeza, Spinner, and Terri. I can't wait, so make sure to read and more importantly **review**. –NL)


	3. Don't Go Away

Don't Go Away

**Cold and frosty morning, there's not a lot to say about the things caught in my mind. **

"Please, get in the car Sean." Ellie begged as I looked away and back at my house. _My _house. My home with my _parents_. With everything that was going on, I knew I couldn't just give it up, but I couldn't have both so I just let it all go. Rick. Degrassi … even Ellie.

**And as the day was dawning my plane flew away with all the things caught in my mind.**

And to this day, I truly regretted it. I couldn't believe that I left Ellie like that, just when she was getting better and everything was perfect. Back then, I was blind, but I had a chance to make it up to her. I was going to return her letter and tell her everything I still felt about her. Maybe she would understand it then.

As I started the letter, I realized that saying 'I love you' over a pieces of paper, or even the phone wouldn't make it any less real. Instead, I decided that I wanted to _see _her and tell her exactly how much I'd changed and how much I wanted her to be apart of my life completely now. The best way for me to do that was to see her face to face.

**With all my education I can't find the words to say with all the things caught in my mind. **

I stuffed a bunch of my clothes into the bag and I walked out of the house, dragging the bag behind me. I wasn't thinking about how I was going to get there or how I was going to get the money to spend a few days in town … or even if Ellie would slam the door on my face. I just _had _to see her.

"Hey, where you goin kid?" My dad asked as I picked up the keys to his refurbished car, then decided against it. The bus would be better.

As I walked out of the bus, after the two-hour ride, I was anxious to get back into the swing of things and reestablish my connection with the one person that really mattered, but for some reason, I couldn't walk into her building. Not yet, not looking like that. Frustrated with my fear, I stared at the apartment complex until I heard someone open the door. Thinking it was Ms. Nash, I ducked behind a bush until I heard it.

Her laughter. It was so beautiful and resonant, almost calling me out from my hiding place. "Sean, is that you?" Ellie wondered immediately, putting away her phone and staring at me in disbelief.

I wanted to hug her. I want to cry. But, I couldn't find the words to say, except, "Yeah."

"What are you doing here--"

"You don't want me here? Fine. I'm going!" I yelled, slipping my bag on my shoulder and walking down the street.

"No. Sean, that's not what I meant." Ellie stopped, me touching my arm and sending chills through my entire body. "What's going on? How dare you come back and not say anything to me?"

"Because I felt like it, okay? I wanted to see you Ellie. I missed you." I said so softly that I wasn't sure if I had just thought it or actually said it out loud.

"Me too, but this is really … odd." We walked into step with one another, making our way towards the park. "Is everything okay at home?"

"Yeah. It's cool." I took in a deep breath. "I'm going to be in town for a few days and need a place to crash." Ellie looked away.

"I don't know Sean. I don't think I can just let you back in my life and go back to what it was. I'm happy now and I haven't been for a long time." She explained as I reached for her hand as she pulled. "Come on Sean, just explain to me how you think …" Ellie stopped as her voice cracked. "How you think you can just walk back into my life and make everything better?"

"Isn't me coming here enough to let you know … nothing." I backed away from her as Ellie looked at me like she was going to cry.

"Don't! Don't walk out on me again. If you're going to be there for me, then … it has to be all the time, not just when it works for you." I nodded, licking my lips as I enveloped Ellie in a hug. And it felt so good. As Ellie looked up, she kissed me as I silently promised myself never to hurt her again. It wasn't worth it and making up would be so much better than us fighting.

That was yesterday. Today, I woke up next to Ellie, or what I thought was Ellie until I heard voices in the living room.

"Hey Ellie, what's …" My voice halted as I watched Craig and Ellie play around and then stop once they noticed I was standing there.

"Sean, man you're back." Craig came to hug me as I backed away.

"You, out. Ellie, come here." Craig left as Ellie stared at me angrily.

"Do you think you can rule me now Sean? What is your problem? Craig came here to see you, not me!" She yelled as I started pacing.

**I don't want to be there when you're coming down.**

"I don't like how he was looking at you." I muttered, feeling stupid and jealous. And then stupid again.

"How's he supposed to look at me?" Ellie shook her head. "This is stupid, you know that? I can't believe I actually thought that this could work out! You're so selfish as always." She paused.

"Do you have anything else to say? Are you going to tell me what a loser I am?" I shouted back, actually enjoying this argument because I knew that we would be making up in a few minutes, and last night made everything completely worth it.

"I don't need to do that because you already know that you suck! Do you have any idea how much it killed m.—Emma to have you leave? She out giving bjs to anyone at the ravine thanks to you. She's gotten herself into this thing with Jay and--"

**I don't want to be there when you hit the ground. **

"What the hell are you talking about?" I rushed up to her suddenly. "Emma would never do that."

"So, you care about her and hurting her, but not me? How classic."

"No. I came back because. Fuck it.!" I yelled, picking up a glass and throwing it across the room.

"Whatever. Ellie sat down, defeated, pulling on her rubber bands.

"Ells, you're not cutting again are you?" My tone softened suddenly.

"Not everyone crumbles when things get hard Sean. I'm in a support group now and that's why Craig was over here. I don't want to fight anymore, but we've got a lot of things to work out. We _need _to talk Sean."

**So don't go away. **

"So, are you ready?" Ellie asked as I kissed her gently,

"No. I think I want to stay here tonight and … you know." I whispered as Ellie hit me softly.

"No. You've been here for three days now and everyone wants to see you. We'll have plenty of time for that later." Ellie smiled. She was such a tease sometimes and I knew that she wanted to wait until marriage, which only made me want her more.

**Say what you say. Say that you'll stay forever and a day.**

"Fine, but you owe me." I whispered as we walked into Jimmy's house. He always had the best parties and I guess he felt grateful or whatever towards me. Last time I was in his house was a disaster.

"Sean!" Manny rushed up to me, hugging me, which was odd because we never really talked. I watched her confusedly, as I noticed her noticing Craig. I guess not much changed since I left.

"So, what do you want to do?" I held both of Ellie's hands in mine. I had seen and talked to everyone except Emma, who was the one person I wanted to see, almost more than Ellie after what she told me.

**In the time of my life. Cause I need more time, yes I need more time just to make things right.**

"I don't know, but it looks like you want to see Emma. Go ahead." Ellie nudged me towards her.

"No, I'm fine."

"I'll come with you if you're scared you big baby." Ellie wrapped her arm around mine as we walked into a corner where Emma and Jay were all over each other. "Ahem!"

"Ellie what do you—Sean?" Emma backed away from Jay as though I were still her boyfriend and I cared, even though I did.

"I'm back." I threw my arms out as Emma jumped into them.

"Ah! I've missed you so much." She started to cry as Ellie looked at us nervously.

"Have you been … are you and Jay …"

Emma looked away from me, embarrassed. "It's just been really hard at Degrassi without you being there. Since the whole Rick thing everyone's been treating me like the plague. So, when Jay invited me to the ravine, I went but it's more than that now."

"Oh." I nodded. "Good."

"I missed you so much Sean."

"Yeah, I love you too." I joked with a smile.

"There's something I wanted to do that I didn't get to do when you were here." Emma hugged me again and then kissed me.

"What? Emma, I'm with Ellie now." I looked around to see if she had seen, but it was way too noisy.

"It doesn't matter. Jay was with Alex. I know you still have feelings for me Sean." I felt Emma's hand start going down my pants as I backed away. I had to find Ellie.

**Me and you, what's going on?**

"Ellie! Ellie!" I yelled, finding her crumbled into a ball, shaking back and forth. "What's wrong honey?"

"What's wrong? What's wrong? You haven't said 'I love you' to me since you've been back and two seconds with Emma and you're spewing out your feelings and kissing her. God, I wonder what would've happened if I hadn't been there." Ellie stared at me accusingly.

"Stop being dramatic Ellie. I don't have any feelings for Emma. Not anymore." I confessed as she continued to look away from me.

"Then _tell_ me you love me. Make me believe it!" She demanded with tears streaming down her eyes. I started playing with my hands, not seeing her this tormented …ever.

**Yes I need more time just to make things right.**

"Ellie …" I sighed. I couldn't say that to her. I mean I did … love her, but I couldn't say it. I couldn't let her know that I cared that much because it would just mean that I was opening myself up to get hurt. If I pretended like I didn't care as much as she thought I did, then it wouldn't really matter if I got hurt because I didn't put my all into it.

"That's exactly what I thought. You're stupid Sean. And selfish. And I hope you burn in hell!" Ellie flicked me off as I turned away and stalked off. I didn't need this. She didn't want me here so I was going back to Wasaga, where I belonged.

**So don't go away. **

(A/N: This is _Don't Go Away _by Oasis and I know what you're going to say … that I never make **happy endings**, but I do. I'm just being a little realistic here, but if you're an optimist or a 'happily ever after' type of person, you'll definitely need to read the next part. It's entitled _Someday I Will Understand_.. And **REVIEW!**—NL)


	4. Someday I Will Understand

Someday I Will Understand

"So, what do you want to do?" I asked Jimmy who was busy still trying to make a basket on his court. Jimmy had been trying to shoot from that exact spot for at least fifteen minutes, and it came up short every time.

"I'm trying to get my game together for when I return." He explained, trying to shoot again.

"Jimmy, we both know that things are different. Let's stop pretending that it's not. The least you can do is tell me what's going on." I offered as he shook his head.

**Nothing seems to be the way that it used to. **

"I don't talk about my problems. With anyone." Jimmy tried shooting again as I sighed.

"Look, I'm sorry that your parents couldn't make it to this dinner you were planning. I'm sure there will be other times." I began, ecstatic that we were alone, so I could tell him the good news without worrying if his parents would overhear or not.

"No Hazel. This was important to me. They're never here for the important things! They miss everything and I haven't even seen my mother since before the accident. She doesn't even care." Jimmy wheeled past me as I sighed. It would have to wait. Again. I just didn't know how long I could go keeping this secret from him.

Paige's favorite N' Sync song started and I knew it was my cell phone going off. "Hey Hazel." Paige began talking to me excitedly. "I'm going out on a date tonight, a really special one, and I'm in the midst of a fashion crisis."

"Why don't you call Ashley or someone?" I sighed feeling helpless because I was unable to make things 100 the way they used to be for Jimmy.

"Because I need you. You have the best sense of style and I know that you won't hesitate to tell me the truth, even if it hurts."

"Only if you tell me who the date's with. Is it that mystery guy again?"

"Sorry Haze. I can't tell. Just meet me at the mall in five." Paige clicked off the line as I sat down with a sigh, rubbing my stomach. Maybe later.

"So, what do you think?" Paige came out with a green strapless low cut back dress.

"It's good … if you're going on some business dinner. Is there something you want to tell me?" I pulled on my t-shirt, noticing that it was rising a little too high.

"Not yet. I want to make sure things are sealed before I go telling people and ruining everything." Paige smiled magically. "And why am I asking you? You've been wearing these raggedy t-shirts for the last couple of weeks." She joked.

**Everything seems shallow**

"That's really foul of you to say." I pouted just relieved that no one had figured out my secret yet. "I still think that dress is too much, unless you're thinking about losing--"

"What's left of my virginity?" Paige continued grinning. "Haze, he's so perfect and wonderful. He's mature and the complete opposite of Spinner. I think he could be the one." We squealed together. I was genuinely happy for Paige, but so much was going on in my life that I couldn't forget the million things that were on my mind.

"I'm happy for you." I nodded as Paige stared at me in amazement. "Haze, why didn't you tell me?"

"Tell you what?" I immediately looked down at my half-exposed stomach. "I couldn't."

"Does Jimmy know? And when did it happen? Why didn't you tell me?"

"It was before Jimmy got shot and we decided that we … you know how it is Paige." I changed my story, deciding against telling her about us eloping before any of this happened.

"Looks like I'm going to have to come to you for advice." Paige hugged me tightly as I nodded and she decided to buy the dress anyway. I knew the guy was probably older, but Paige never listened to anyone. She liked to learn the hard way. I just hoped that she didn't end up pregnant like me if this guy didn't really love her, or with a sexually transmitted disease like Emma.

**God give me truth in me and tell me somebody's watching over me. **

As I performed my afternoon prayer, I couldn't help but get emotional. It was really hard. I mean it was a lot harder than my parents let on. And keeping the marriage a secret only made things worse. Jimmy was growing more and more distant and I couldn't seem to find a way to just tell him. He needed to know. He had to know.

**Don't you run too fast my dear, why don't you stop? **

"I've something to tell you." I began as I noticed that Jimmy was no longer playing basketball. He was just staring at it. "Jimmy, what's wrong?" I rushed up to him.

"What if I never get out of this thing Hazel? They say I have a .05 chance of walking again." I hugged him softly. "What am I going to do? I can't do anything else. I can't do nothing but play ball."

**Stop and listen to your tears, they're all you've you got.**

"You know that's not true." I tried to reassure him, squatting to look him in the eye. "You have so much in you Jimmy. Don't put all of your worth on one sport. You're so amazing and the whole world will see it someday."

**It's in you. You see somebody's watching over you **

"You really believe that?" Jimmy looked at me desperately as I nodded, kissing him.

"I wouldn't be married to a loser." I joked, knowing that this was my time … the time to tell him the entire truth.

**No moment will be more true then the moment I look at you. **

"I've got some news to tell you and I don't know whether you'll like it or hate it or hate me …"

"What is it?" Jimmy became fully focused on me immediately.

"I know what your purpose in life is." I began taking in a deep breath.

**And that is all I'm praying is that someday I will understand in God's whole plan and what is done to me**

"Okay. Haze you're starting to worry me. What are you talking about?"

**Oh but maybe, someday I will believe And I'll finally see. **

"You're meant to be a father. You're going to be a wonderful father really soon Jimmy, so hold on."

**I'll see it all in your baby.**

"A father?"

**I'll see it all in your baby. **

"I'm six months." I smiled, still waiting for a reaction, but all I could feel was pure joy. I knew that somehow everything was going to be okay. We would have to tell out parents everything, but they would understand now that it wasn't just about us anymore.

**I'll see it all in your baby. **

(A/N: See it's happier than the last one. Was anyone else disappointed in **Eye of the Tiger**? They should've made it an hour long and really gone into dept and detail with Jimmy and everyone. And I hate how they hardly have any interaction between Jimmy and Hazel. What's going on with that … and Manny should've supported Spinner even if he did ruin Jimmy's life. She should know what being outcasted feels like—Anyway, make sure to review and _Behind These Hazel Eyes _is next and later _Dangerously in Love_. Who do you want **more of** and which one is your **FAVORITE** so far? –NL)


	5. Behind these Hazel Eyes

Behind These Hazel Eyes

(A/N: Disregard Alex kissing Spinner and … Ellie was being like Ashley. Sorry, but just read this one and it'll explain things better. –NL)

I couldn't believe what happened. Sean was here. He came back and it wasn't a dream. I tried to wake up from it, but I couldn't. And all we did was fight, then make up and fight again over and over.

'**Seems like just yesterday you were apart a me'**

And I let him walk away because he didn't care about me. Even Marco said it. If a guy ever kisses or is lying in bed with someone else, there are _always _alternative motives. It was just so great for those few days and I just wanted it to last.

But he came back when I was just starting to be happy. Everyone even said I looked better. I cut my hair, I was dressing differently, still in all black, but happier. And I wasn't living with my mother anymore. No more cutting, therapy, and all the other things that are supposed to make you a better human being.

'**I used to stand so tall, I used to be so strong'**

But, Sean just rocked everything for better and for worse. Maybe it was just me. Maybe I was being jealous because I saw how Emma looked at anyone that was happy. I know how much she wants to be happy and … maybe it wasn't his fault.

And maybe hanging around Ashley was really starting to get to me and I was become like this completely obsessive, possessive jealous person. Or maybe this is just some big lesson that's letting me know that we can't be together. Just because you love someone doesn't mean that you live with them in some happily-ever-after fairy tale. There are complications. Always. Everything is so complex.

**'Your arms around me tight, everything felt so right, unbreakable like nothing could go wrong.' **

"Completed that novel yet?" Marco joked as I marked my page and put down my journal.

"I'm just thinking. Is that allowed?" I shot back as he wrapped his arm around me. "Do you think he's coming back?" I rested my head on Marco's shoulder.

"Probably not. Sean's the type of guy to run away and never come back. The fact that he even _came _here says something."

"You're supposed to say 'of course he will' and lie to me. Make me happy, even if it's false."

"I think I can do that." Marco smiled. "You and me. A movie. Tonight."

"Are you asking me out?" I kidded. "And what shall we see?"

"That_Troy _movie looks good."

"Marco, you just want to see Brad Pitt naked. I know what you're thinking."

"And you don't?"

"Why don't you take Dylan, so you can both enjoy him?" I suggested. I really wasn't in the mood to do anything. Sure, I _looked _okay but my insides were all twisted and backwards.

"I've got a better plan. I'm going to give Dylan a surprise visit and go to the University of Toronto."

"Wow. Are you sure that's a good idea?" I wondered. Sean had surprised me and it was a complete disaster.

"Sure … I don't know. What do you think?" Marco asked.

"It all reminds me of Sean. Do whatever you want, but don't let him get away." Marco nodded, kissing my cheek before running off to go cheer up someone else. I was lucky that I had a perfect friend like Marco, but it would be even more perfect if I had a perfect boyfriend to come back and tell me that he loved me and make me matter …

I knew I was going to cry, not outwardly because I had trained myself not to do that anymore. But I was hurting more than tears could ever convey to anyone. Sean knew me better than I knew myself because I told him things that I only wrote to myself and things that were so hard to admit to myself that I only admitted when he was around … like my lifelong dream to be a movie director and my soft spot for orphans … and my dad's affair with a woman no more than seven years older than I was.

'**I told you everything, opened up and let you in. You made me feel all right for once in my life.' **

And it was okay because he opened up to me and let go of his fixation with stealing and hanging out with Jay all the time. And now I was back to square one, losing a guy that I really cared about.

But no one knew the extent of my pain. Not even Marco. I was good at pretending. I knew what people wanted you to say and how they wanted you to be, so I just gave in which only made me drift away more.

'**Now all that's left of me is what I pretend to be, so together but so broken up inside.'**

I missed not having to pretend with Sean. He didn't care that I wore black all the time or that my apartment was falling apart or that I still had scars from when I cut. He only cared when I did something to hurt myself—Sean didn't even care when I screamed to him the worst obscenities to him in the world. He was always there.

Searching for Jay, I knew what I had to do. I know he missed Sean as much as I did and he was the only way I'd be able to see him again.

'**Now I can't breathe, no I can't sleep. I'm barely hanging on. Here I am once again. I'm torn into pieces.' **

"What do you want?" Jay asked, as I looked at the girl he was currently making out with. Not Emma. Not Alex, but some grade 9 girl.

"Take me to see Sean." He nodded, pushing the girl aside and walking with me to his car.

'**Can't deny it, can't pretend just thought you were the one.' **

"I thought you were over Cameron." Jay smirked as he unlocked the door and sat down.

"Don't think Jay. Just get me there."

'**Broken up deep inside, but you don't get to see the tears I cry, Behind these hazel eyes.' **

As we got closer and closer to Wasaga Beach, I heard voices inside my head telling me to turn around, that I was making a big mistake. Sean wouldn't care. He hadn't called. He hadn't made an effort to actually love me, which was the root of all our problems. But, we were practically there by now and … I was lucky to even get Jay to hitch me a ride here.

"Hey, we're here." Jay began as I tried to hold back the emotions that were beginning to over-whelm me. Being here was real … all too real. "Don't yell me you're starting that emotional bullshit with me."

"No." I got out the car, relieved not to have Jay's voice added to the ones that were telling me to run away.

'**Swallow me then spit me out. For hating you I blame myself.' **

"Sean!" I yelled, knocking on the door.

"Maybe no one's home." Jay suggested, but I wasn't satisfied. Sean was here. I knew it.

"Sean!" I screamed again, following voices I was hearing close to his house. "Se…"

'**Seeing you it kills me now.'**

"Ellie." Sean backed away from the girl he was laughing with moments earlier. Laugher. It was never so harmful to me before. How could he be happy without solving this? I needed closure for this thing, even if we didn't end up together. But it was so hard seeing him.

'**No I don't cry on the outside anymore.' **

"Why are you here?" He rushed beside me as I closed my eyes. How was I going to say this? Should I say it? Why had I even come? "Do you want to start over?"

"No." I shook my head firmly as Sean licked his lips, feeling rejected. "We've already built too much Sean. I want to … I wish I could … what do you see when you look at me?"

'**Anymore.' **

"Why all the questions? I'm surprised that you're here, but … I want you here." He added after much deliberation.

"Why don't you both just admit that you love each other? That's what you're both trying to say, but at this rate a paralyzed poll vaulter as a better chance of following through than you two!" The girl behind us spoke up.

"She said it better than I can." Sean hugged me happily as I allowed myself to smile. Yes, smile for the first time. "So are you staying with me?"

"Staying? I want you to come back to Degrassi…" We continued on, picking up where we left off as Emma was forgotten, as well as Jay who was standing beside his car like an idiot.

'**Behind these hazel eyes.' **

(A/N: Are you guys liking these or not? I have a few more to write and I probably just should've written about characters that are important to me, rather than everyone. But, to come … death, hope, regret, an eating disorder, and HIV—Songs to come … _Look What You've Done, I Need Love, _and _Don't Speak_. And I'll try to be lighter on the breaking up and getting back together thing. –NL)


	6. Drink Me Dry

Drink Me Dry

"I want some." I spoke to my new step-father as I stared out the line of cocaine in front of me. … this was the perfect time to relax.

'**Candy-coated death lined with Crystal Meth'**

"You don't need any."

"Like hell I don't. I'm a big girl Christian." I assured him, sitting closely beside him on the couch.

"If you're a big girl I can't stop you." He rested his around my waist as I started to snort. This wasn't so bad. It was nothing compared to what I was used to. "Your mom wanted to talk to you."

"About sending me to another fat camp?" I scoffed.

I remembered so vividly being sent to fat camp no more than two years ago. I knew she was just trying o get rid of me in an attempt to find husband number three.

Back then, I was seriously considering suicide. I had never been so low. It seemed like the best way out since my mom had taken away the one thing that made my new life at Degrassi Community School bearable. Food.

Whenever my mother yelled at me over my father's death and her last husband leaving us, I'd cry out all my problems over a pint of Ben and Jerry's and then a whole medium pizza.

In the beginning, she didn't seem to care, but then all of a sudden she did. I was off to fat camp before I could put together some ill-conceived plan of escape.

Strangely enough, I ended up believing that fat camp was the best thing she could've done for me. That's where I met him, the seemingly perfect man of both our lives. He was only six years older than I was, but he was still perfect. And my mother agreed. That's when she took him from me and married him, unaware and uncaring of my feelings and intimate times we shared together.

**'how you take my breath away'**

Deep down I knew, or was at least hoping that Christian married her not for love, but because of me.

"When's Diane coming back?" I asked Christian who was purposely walking around without a shirt on. He looked so sexy and chiseled.

'**It's like suicide to look into your eyes. That's where my secrets lay to die'**

"Who knows? Not too soon I hope." He swept me up in his arms as I let myself forget what happened the other night, at the ravine—not like I was ashamed of it or anything, but I made sure that Christian never saw any of the bracelets I earned.

I wanted him to think I was pure and solely his, even though he knew better. When I went to fat camp, I learned to replace my obsession with food to an obsession with the opposite sex—mostly random play, but sometimes sex.

"She won't be back." I nodded, kissing him suddenly as we both pecked at each other back and forth with pots and dishes scattering all over the kitchen floor. "Not here. Not here." I whispered in gaps between kisses. Suddenly, we both heard the front door jiggle.

**'And I feel my body perish in your arms.**

We jumped away from one another as I picked up the phone dialed Alex's number and pretended to drop a pot so my "mom" Diane wouldn't suspect anything. Meanwhile, Christian pretended to be searching for something in the refrigerator. Before Diane could say something smart, I took the phone upstairs.

**'All the pain I felt is…'**

"Alex please listen to me." I tried to explain the whole Jay thing. "I was so out of it and I don't think we did anything--"

"Save it for someone who'll believe that shit. You went down on him, didn't you?"

"So you're just going to blow both of us off because we made a mistake?" I tried to avoid the topic. "I've seen you hanging out with those preppy kids now. You think you're one of them? You think they'll care about you and rescue you from the next bastard who beats your mom and tries you?"

"They care more than you and Jay obviously." She responded coolly. Too coolly. I knew I wasn't getting through.

"Listen to me."

"Like you did when I told you how much I was into him? That I _loved _ him!" Alex screamed as everything grew silent. "On second thought, maybe I will forgive you and we can all hang out. The three of us." Alex continued snidely before hanging up the phone.

"Perfect." I slammed down the phone as Diane took this as her cue to step in.

"Problems with your boyfriend? I told you to lose ten more pounds. You'd be a gorgeous—no not that acceptable." She smiled cruelly. Bringing me down always made her feel better about her own pathetic life.

"Coming from a woman on husband number three." I snapped.

"And it'll last unless you ruin things for me. Keep your tits in your shirt, will you?"

"I'll be downstairs." I brushed past her, trying to pretend like I wasn't hurt. But I was. She always knew just how to get to me.

"Hey Christian." I smiled at him as he barely acknowledged my presence. That's how it was when Diane was around. I was invisible. It had to be that way. "I'll be on the phone."

"Sully, are we hanging out tonight or not?" I asked him later that day over the phone. The only way I could go anywhere was by Jay or Sully because I still couldn't drive.

"If you stop wearing those bracelets."

"Don't worry. I won't ruin your reputation or degrade you." I promised.

"Look, Amy we both had an agreement on this. Don't get attached."

"I'm not." I scoffed. "I just wanted a ride. I can have any guy I want."

"Ditto. So just chill out. Don't call me. I'll call you." Sully had said that before, but he rarely called anymore. He was getting bored of me just like everyone else. And I didn't have anyone else to call.

Girls stayed away from me in fear of losing their boyfriends. The same guys that were all over me at the ravine were the first ones to call me 'slut' and 'whore.' Sully's friends. "Ugh!" I yelled out loud deciding to take a bath to calm me down.

**'Six feet underground. How'd you like me now?'**

Sitting in the tub I wondered what everyone would say or do if they found my body lifeless in a sea of bubble foam. Good smelling bubble foam. Sliding my upper body under the water, I looked around, wanting to know what people thought right before they killed themselves and died. Did they have seconds thoughts? Did they—

**'I have set my pain at ease. I leave my heart alone with all my rotting bones.' **

"Aims, what are you doing?" Christian rushed towards the tub. I was guessing Diane was out.

**'So my soul may rest in peace.'**

"Relaxing." I sighed as the water rushed down my hair as I sat up.

"You're not trying to…"

"No." I lied. "Diane's gone?"

**'And I feel your lips kiss me one last time. All the pain I felt is…'**

"Yeah." Christian handed me a towel as I stepped out of the tub, wrapping it around me and kissing him hungrily.

**'Take my life. Drink me dry.'**

At least he cared. He was quickly becoming the only one that understood me and I was willing to give anything to escape this madness.

'**Eat my soul from the inside out.' **

"I love you." Christian muttered, caressing my face and carrying me into my room.

"No. I'm too fat." I protested as he assured me that I was perfect before making love to me. "I … I have to go." I sighed.

**'Swallow me.'**

It was Thursday and I was supposed to be going to the clinic with Jay. "Shit!" I yelled, throwing on some clothes and rushing out of the house. He was already out there.

A week later

"Christian! Are you home?" I wondered, noticing clothing piled all over the walkway and grass of our house. Maybe Diane decided to get rid of him. "Is anyone home?"

"You tramp." Diane slapped me immediately as I looked over at Christian how cowered behind her. "I knew something was up. I found these bracelets."

"Mom, that's my private stuff." I reached for it, but she pulled them back.

"Mom? Oh, now I'm your mommy." She laughed. "Think again. I want you out of my house. Tonight."

"What?"

"You heard me."

**'All of me.'**

"Christian." I pleaded, but he just looked away.

"Why wait. I'll leave now. You can send my stuff over to Alex's." I ran out of the house, tears streaming down my face. I didn't know how I was going to get to her house or if she'd even let me in. It was clear across town, but right now she was the only person that I had.

I let Christian take all of me and he didn't even care enough to stand up for me.

**'Suddenly me vein's gone dry.' **

(A/N: This song is from none other than our own 'Manny Santos.' Marco is next but I don't know when I'll be able to update—probably this week, so stay tuned. Question: Which character do you think will struggle with the eating disorder?')


	7. You Outta Know

You Outta Know

I wasn't listening to Ellie this time. She was wrong. She had to be. Dylan would be thrilled to see me at University, just like I would be if he came and visited me.

I wanted her to come with me to see Dylan, but she was going back and forth between Toronto and Wasaga, constantly pining over Sean, which was cool. Everyone deserved to be happy. So, instead, I recruited the next best thing. A realist named Alex.

"I hope you don't expect me to pay anything." She muttered, carrying a small duffel on her shoulder.

"That's all you packed?" I wondered looking back at the huge bag I had with me.

"Wow, you can see." She popped in a piece of gum and started smacking furiously. I knew something was wrong with her and I was going to figure that out. Later. I would make a note to myself. "Do you even know where he is?"

"Yeah." I shook my head. "No, but I'll find him."

"This better not be a waste of time."

**'I want you to know, that I'm happy for you'**

"What's wrong Alex?" I asked despite myself. I saw exactly what everyone else in the school had seen. I knew that she had lost both a best friend and a boyfriend in the same way.

"Worry about your own boy problems." Alex started smacking on a piece of gum as we started searching the campus for Dylan's new dorm room.

"Do you know something that I should?" My eyes flashed suddenly. Alex seemed to know everything about everyone else's life, but she guarded hers like a fierce lioness or something.

"Just go see him. I might be wrong." She urged me, actually kind of shoving me towards Dylan's new dorm. The outside looked a lot better than the other one. It was newer and painted white. The other one had been crumbling, but the school was nearly a couple of hundred years old.

"You're not coming?"

"And watch yet another person make out with their significant other? No thanks. I'll just hang out and see who's around…" Her voice trailed off as her gaze transferred over to a taller more attractive, and _straight _guy. He was probably just going to be the rebound guy, but whatever kept her busy…

"Go." I demanded, rushing up the stairs and asking every person I saw if they knew Dylan Michalchuck until I got a number. 702. Like the group. Cool, I smiled to myself suddenly feeling that maybe I should've brought something with me. Dylan wasn't really into flowers and candy … that was more my style, but just having something would provide me with something to hide behind if things didn't turn out right.

But it would. After our little mini break-up, Dylan called me back and apologized. He's completely worth it and we haven't seen each other. It _seems _like a good idea. "It _is _a good idea." I nodded to myself, knocking on hi door.

"Just a minute!" Dylan called back. I heard giggling and a little shuffling before he opened the door. "Hey … Marco."

"I came to see you." I pushed past him and walked into the room, none other than to see a repeat of a few months ago. There was a half-naked guy lying on his bed.

'**I wish nothing but the best for you both.'**

"Can we … talk about this?" Dylan wondered, ushering me out of the room as my previous emotions of anger and betrayal were revitalized.

"So we're back to square one. I guess this is it." I muttered with a sigh. I guess it wasn't such a bad thing to have not brought flowers. I would've looked like a complete idiot. My exterior would match my interior.

"Don't you want to hear my side of it?" Dylan asked.

"Sure. You're with him now. It's …"

**'An older version of me. Is she perverted like me? Would she go down on you in a theatre?'**

"Does this have something to do with me?" I wondered suddenly. "Because of my age? That guy … I know he's at a level that I'm not and that he's got things that I don't, but … that doesn't change anything." I gave up. "I doesn't matter."

'**Does she speak eloquently? And would she have your baby?  
I'm sure she'd make a really excellent mother.'**

"Marco, don't be like this. Don't walk away without hearing my side." Dylan begged.

"Actions speak louder than words." I walked off, out of the building hoping that Alex hadn't gone too far. She hadn't. "Hey. You ready?"

"I'm talking." Alex turned back to the guy, who seemed to be doing all the talking, while she nodded excitedly. I had never seen her like this. Alex was so giddy and teen-like.

"Come on Alex." I rolled my eyes as she bid goodbye to the guy she had been talking to and walked into step with me.

"What's up?"

"You'll never see him again." I sighed, thinking about Dylan.

"The ass did it again, didn't he?"

"I should've never come down here." I walked faster and faster getting further away from Alex, only stopping when I saw a couple fighting in the middle of the courtyard.

"How did you forget? You went out with your ex-girlfriend!" A red and black haired girl yelled. "Idiot!" She pushed him suddenly as he yelled obscenities back to her. "Yeah, well fuck you." She stalked off, bumping into me on the way.

"Hey."

"Sorry." She rolled her eyes. "Boyfriends suck." I nodded in response, recognizing the same guy that was in Dylan's room.

'**Did you forget about me Mr. Duplicity? I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner. It was a slap in the face how quickly I was replaced and are you thinking of me when you f her?'**

"Tell me about it." I mumbled, giving that guy a glare, but he didn't even notice. He was probably on cloud nine about being with Dylan, like I was. Stupid, foolish me.

"Dude, are you okay?" The girl that was fighting wondered.

"Yeah."

"You're Dylan's boyfriend aren't you?"

"You go here? You know him?"

"Actually … no. I go to a private school, which I am about to get my way out of and I know of Dylan. Everyone knows him. My boyfriend—_ex _boyfriend and I spent every weekend together. I'm really sorry." She nodded sincerely.

"Thanks. So you're in high school?"

"Totally." She smiled, removing her sunglasses from her eyes. "Did you think I was in college or something? People always think I'm older than I really am." She strutted as if she were on the runway, causing me to crack a smile. This girl was fun. I could tell.

"I'm Marco."

"Loreli!" She called back as her ex-boyfriend rushed up to her. I watched them yelling at each other before making up and kissing passionately. I decided to go find Alex.

"Are you ready?" I sighed. This trip was a bust.

'**It was a slap in the face how quickly I was replaced. Are you**

**thinking of me when you f her?'**

"So we're just leaving like that?" Alex asked, now sitting alone staring at the waterfall in the middle of the campus.

"You're not talking to anyone." I jumped up and sat beside her, folding and crossing my legs.

"Look everyone gets cheated on. But the thing is, what are you gonna do about it?"

"I don't know Alex. I guess I'll go home and dive into a pint of Ben and Jerry's." I sighed, resting my head on her shoulder. "I hate him so much right now that I don't even want to think about it, but I can't think about anything else."

"That's your plan. So, you're going to let him win Marco?"

"This isn't a fucking game Alex. It was real love. I loved him!" I voice cracked as Alex's chin started trembling.

'**Cause the love that you gave that we made wasn't able to make it enough for you to be open wide, no. And every time you speak her name  
does she know how you told me you'd hold me until you died, til you died? But you're still alive!'  
**

"And I didn't?" Turning away from me, she regained her composure. "Did he promise you forever?" I nodded. "Well, I'm not going to sit around and let him win. I have a plan." Alex hopped down excitedly as I followed her. "Where's his car?"

"There." I pointed as Alex made all the plans, actually doing most of the damage.

"I don't want his brakes to fail." I complained after a little while. We had already slashed his tires and I was still scared that someone would see us.

"Marco, we won't even know what happened to him. I promise he won't get hurt."

'**And I'm here to remind you of the mess you left when you went away. It's not fair to deny me.'**

"So, how'd you learn how to do this?" I smiled when she was done. Part of me felt liberated, while the other part felt a little guilty.

"Let's go." Alex brushed off my question ready to go.

"Wait." I gave Dylan's car one last kick before running off.

'**Of the cross I bear that you gave to me. You, you, you oughta know.'**

Some time Later

"Where the hell is everything?" A loud, dark-haired girl complained as she turned around and I smiled. It was Loreli.

"How are you?" She giggled and hugged me.

"I'm good … Marco."

"How's your boyfriend?"

"I don't even know if you can call him that." She laughed nervously. "We have an _open _relationship now. That's just his way of saying he wants to have sex with other girls."

"I'm sorry." I apologized, taking a look at her schedule, which was similar to mine.

"But that's nothing compared to what happened to Dylan." Her eyes shined. "He lost his sports scholarship, his car was completely ruined.." Blu stopped and winked at me. "And rumor has it that he's carrying an STD." She hugged me.

'**And every time I scratch my nails down someone else's back I hope you feel it. Well can you feel it?'**

(A/N: Not my best, I know but at least it's finally done. I'm about to leave for a year of college so I don't know how often I will be able to update, but I am so glad to have your support and hope that you have enjoyed reading these fictions as much as I have. –NL)


	8. My Immortal

My Immortal

"Jim, I've got some news. It's about your mother." My dad began as I started to wheel away. "Don't … go away when I'm talking to you."

"Yeah, what's her excuse this time dad? Why isn't she here!" I screamed. Hazel had helped me to get out of this slump in basketball and start a special team for those confined to a wheelchair, like me. And in our hugest game of the year, she couldn't even show. "Was she too embarrassed pop?"

I shook my head. It was always like this. Even when I was a kid, they had some babysitter raising me. I had no memories of them that didn't involve my parents working. I was just sick of dealing with them and their excuses. If they didn't want to see me, then they should just say it. At least I would be out of here in a year.

**I'm so tired of being here, suppressed by all my childish fears. **

"No. Jim … I don't know how to say this, but your mother has passed away." He sat down looking defeated as I sat completely frozen, only my eyes seemed to be function because tears welled up speedily.

"How? How'd she …"

"Her body turned on itself." Dad looked at me to see how I was holding up. "I'll leave you to … you know."

**And if you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave. **

And instead of being there for me like any real parent would, he walked out so I could cry alone. Why couldn't my dad just tell me that it was okay and cry with me like they always did on the movies? I wheeled myself past my room and into my mother's study … or what used to be.

She practically spent all of her time in here whenever she was home, working. I wanted to see what mattered to her more than me, what made her waste her life and put everything into her work over her family.

As I looked around the room, I was reminded of when I used to come in here as a kid. And she would be in the room, writing something, always writing something. She would stop for maybe two minutes to explain things to me, as if a four-year-old kid would get it.

But she was always to patient and gentle with me, while my father always yelled at me to go play with my toys. Toys. What was so fun about them when you had no one to share with or play with?

As I bumped into her desk, a picture enclosed in glass fell off the table. I quickly reached and caught it as it landed in my hands perfectly. 'I bet it's a picture of her at work,' I thought to myself.

**Cause your presence still lingers here and it won't leave me alone. **

But it wasn't. It was us. My dad, my mom, and me. I had forgotten that day. When I was in grade 9, my mom insisted that we take a family portrait. Even my dad hated the idea, but we did anyway. We actually spent the whole day together … I think that was the last time we were all together like that. We spent the entire day together—

"Jim." My dad startled me as the picture fell from my hands, glass shattering everywhere. "I'll clean it up. You get out."

**These wounds won't seem to heal. This pain is just too real. There's just too much that time cannot erase. **

I would never admit it to anyone, but I really wished that my dad would stop being so formal and actually sit back and cry with me and tell me that it was okay to cry, even if it was just a lie. I didn't even want to imagine what her funeral would be like.

People would put on their fake tears and say how wonderful she was even though they really did know her. All they knew was work mom, and sadly I would too be one of those people.

It's just really ironic how things are really low and then something good happens, like with Hazel and me being a father, and then something else happens that makes you lower than you were to begin with.

**You used to captivate me by your resonating light, now I'm bound by the life you left behind. **

"Jimmy, I came as soon as I heard." Hazel rushed into my house the next day. I don't know how she found out … probably by the newspaper, but I didn't have anything to say.

"I don't want to talk about it."

"But you need to. Your mom was very important to you and I'm sorry we didn't get to tell her--" Hazel tried to touch me, but I pushed her off.

"No! I don't have anything to say about her. She was never there Hazel. She was never there." I repeated quietly, turning my back to her. "Everything in this house reminds me of her even though she was never here. It's like she was more important and apart of my life than I realized." I breathed, regretfully as Hazel held onto my hand tightly.

**Your face it haunts, my once pleasant dreams. Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me. **

"But she still loves you. She wants you to hold on Jimmy." I tried to remember Hazel's words during my mom's funeral ceremony, but it didn't seem to work. Nothing did. I kept seeing her everywhere and I couldn't believe that she was gone, not even when I saw her lifeless body. It still didn't register.

**I tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone. **

"Jim. Jim, it's time to go." My father brought me back into the real world as I realized that we were the only ones left at her gravesite … us and Hazel. It was starting to rain. I looked over at Hazel who nodded with encouragement as I then studied my dad.

**I've been alone. I'm alone. **

He looked so … untouched, like he didn't care either way. "I want to stay longer." I demanded.

"Don't be absurd. It's about to rain son." My dad protested.

**I held your hand through all of these years, but you still have **

"No! She was my mother and she doesn't deserve to be thrown into some hole like no one cares about her. Maybe you don't, but I do."

"You will not talk to me like that. Not here. Ever." He smacked me in response as Hazel rushed to my side, holding me as closely as she could.

"Come on honey."

"I can't. All the good in me, everything that I ever had is down there with my mom."

**All of me. **

(A/N: Another not-so-happy ending, but life is full of ups and downs. The next part, if I ever finish it, is neither happy or sad. It's kind of liberating I guess. After this one, three more before one of the big ones _How Could this Happen to Me_. Unless you count the next one, about Paige, as big. –NL)


	9. Look What You've Done

Look What You've Done

"I'm so excited!" I screamed with Hazel who had helped me get my hair in order so that I could show Matt my new look. He didn't know that I was coming over to see him or that when he did see me, I would look completely different but the shock value is always a good thing. "Thanks so much for helping me out Haze." She nodded with a smile. "And when I get back, I promise that we'll talk about you okay?"

"Just go have fun Paige."

"Okay." I rushed into the cab that was waiting for me and dialed Matt's number. I had been calling him for the last couple of days and trying to get I contact with him, but he was probably just busy.

**'Take my photo off the wall if it just won't sing for you.' **

He normally would answer my calls as soon as I hung up, but I'm sure he had his reasons and I wasn't going to be the jealous or even paranoid girlfriend about it. Matt chose to be with me, even with the possibility of losing his job, which was way sweeter than any other guy would do for me.

"Matt!" I knocked on his apartment door, hearing a lot of sounds and then nothing.

"Paige. What are you doing here?" He snuck out of his apartment, keeping his voice low.

"I came to surprise you silly." Standing on my tippy toes, I hugged him gracefully before kissing him.

"How did you know I lived here?"

**'Cause all that's left is gone away and there's nothing there for you to prove.' **

"Duh, the internet." My smile started to fade. "Are you not happy to see me or something?"

"No. I just have some people in town and I have to entertain them. You know how it is when you have old friends and friends of the family around, right?" I nodded as he took my chin in his hand. "Don't look sad. I'm sorry you came all this way."

"It's okay, but just get rid of them before this weekend. We're going to celebrate and I don't want anyone to interrupt." Matt kissed me for reassurance. "Do you need me to call a cab?"

**'Give me back my point of view cause I just can't think for you.' **

"Yeah."

Later that week, I noticed that Matt wasn't making many efforts for our celebration. But then again, when guys did sweet stuff like that, they were always so sneaky about it that it was almost impossible for me to find out. Yet, I always did somehow.

So, I did the completely right and perfect girlfriend thing. I decided to take care of it myself because Matt was busy … off being Matt. Plus, I scored a key to his apartment, which would make everything a million times better.

"This is where you wanted to take me?" Manny complained as we both explored his unkept apartment.

"Look Manny we both know that you're not my favorite person, but as of right now, you're the only person that I can trust with this secret. You're the only one who knows about me and Oleander and I want to keep it that way." I explained as she helped me carry bags into the house.

"Let's start redecorating. We only have four hours until he'll be back and I still have to get changed." I explained as Manny nodded.

"Not to be the bringer of bad moods, but are you sure this is a good idea? Guys can get really possessive over stuff. I know when I tried to organize Spin's locker for him …"

"Skip the talk about Spin, all right Manny? Let's get this done." She nodded and to my surprise, we managed to fix up the kitchen, Matt's bedroom, and order two gourmet dinners, so that it looked like I had cooked, in time.

"Hurry Paige. You only have half an hour left." Manny complained. I was glad that I could actually count on her, and that she had done most of the work while I decided to get a complete 180 with my hair.

"What do you think?" I twirled around in my green dress with a new strawberry blonde, shoulder length cut to go along with it.

"Wow. You look so different." Manny gushed. "You're so …"

"Sophisticated? I know. It's amazing with light makeup and a couple hours at the salon can do to you." I smiled, triumphed. Only a few more minutes now until everything changed.

"So, what are you going to do? I mean, are you going to …"

**'I can't hardly hear you say' **

"No. I'm not a slut Manny." She looked down suddenly then glared at me. "I didn't mean it like that. I mean I've _thought_ about it, but Matt and I connect so much on so many different levels that sex would just complicate everything." I finished, ushering Manny out of the apartment and waiting in the back to surprise him.

"Liz, I'm tired." Matt tried to explain as a breathtakingly gorgeous brunette walked into the kitchen/ living room.

"But I've got all the cards here Matt and I'm so ready to give up that wild girl lifestyle." She promised loudly, obviously drunk.

"Just like you did tonight? You were almost dancing on the tables. It was a classy restaurant Elizabeth!" He yelled back.

"So, you're upset?" She responded as I ceased to hear any sounds but what sounded like people making out. 'It can't be.' I told myself, deciding that I had been hiding for long enough.

**'What will I do, while you chose.' **

"Matt. Is this the friend you were telling me about?" I walked into the kitchen, giving him a hug being met with shock rather than happiness.

"Paige, why are you here? I thought we discussed this already." He grabbed my arm tightly.

**'Oh, look what you've done.' **

"I wanted to celebrate silly. I have food on the counters for you and you should check out how I fixed your house."

"Fixed? Paige … what the hell?" Matt sighed, looking around as Liz smirked at me.

"So, this is the other woman that I'm competing over for your affections. How cute Matt. Real cute. You've got some high school stalker in your house." She blabbed on as Matt said a few words to her and she was gone.

"Don't you like it sweetie?" I rushed to Matt, kissing him passionately. "And my hair, my dress do you like?"

"Why would you do that Paige?" He wondered with disapproval.

"Well, because I wanted to look more sophisticated when we went out. That way no one would ever know and--"

"About that. I thought we agreed to meet outside of Toronto only. This stunt could cost me my job Paige!" Matt yelled angrily.

**'You've made a fool of everyone.'**

"I just wanted to make you happy. Be ungrateful, why don't you. Aren't you the least bit happy that I fixed up your apartment? It was a sty."

"Yeah and now it looks like you live here." Matt muttered. "You should've said something to me sooner Paige. Liz knows and now she has something else to hold against me."

"She doesn't know anything." I began not liking how this was going. "I really don't get you Matt. You're all over me one minutes, making out on school grounds with me, and now you're all cold and want nothing to do with it. Which is it?"

"When did things get so complicated?" He sighed as I rolled my eyes.

"Let's just eat dinner and then I'll go and let you figure this out." I sighed, trying to regain my composure. To think, minutes earlier I was talking about losing my virginity to this guy but not now.

"Paige?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." Matt apologized between kisses as I started giggling. "I love what you've done for me tonight and you look gorgeous." I smiled, returning his kisses as my initial happiness returned.

"Do you want to…" Matt carried me off to his room as I took one of the biggest steps in my life. And as I laid next to him, I was relieved that I was no longer thinking about Dean, but how perfect this was. I couldn't believe that I was able to have a normal relationship with someone.

**'Oh it seems like such fun until you lose what you had won.' **

"Hey Matt." A random girl walked into the apartment and into the bedroom, revealing both our naked bodies. "What the hell is this?"

"Rachel, I…" Matt sighed as she threw a ring back at him.

**'Oh look what you've done you've made a fool of everyone.' **

"I hope you know what you've done." Looking at him with questioning eyes, Matt rushed after the red-head who was evidently falling apart. What had I done? What had I gotten myself into? I hated how Matt wasn't what I thought he was and the fact that Hazel was right.

**'Take my photo off the wall if it just won't sing for you cause all that's left is gone away.' **

(A/N: I haven't decided what I'm going to do with Paige and Matt yet, but we'll see. I've finished about 13 of the 19 parts that are in this story, but I've got a lot of changes going on in my life, so after the 19 are finished I'll only be able to update once a month. Sorry. Next up: **Fareeza, Mohammed, and Spinner**. –NL)


	10. Don't Tell Me

Don't Tell Me

"So, was that so bad?" Mohammed as me as I shook my head.

'**You held my hand and walked me home, I know'**

"No, it was actually cool." And you didn't try anything, I added silently. "You know the only reason why I was going out with you is because of a bet I had going." I joked.

"Ouch. That's really harsh." He pretended to be hurt, which made me smile. Before him, I never found any guy at Degrassi that I was interested in romantically, and this was something that was without a doubt fun and new to me.

"No, seriously, it was cool." I nodded. Mohammed and I had been hanging out for a while and we'd been on countless of dates, which were amazing. I didn't know whether he was serious or playing games, but I liked him too much to care.

'**Why you gave me a kiss it was something like this that made me go oh, oh.'**

"So, are your parents home?" He wondered as I gave him a weird look. "No, it's not like that … I just want to do … this…" Mohammed kissed me softly as I was met with both surprise and intrigue.

"You're a slick one." I smiled, looking down. Wow.

"So, tomorrow then?" He asked as I looked confused.

"What's tomorrow?"

"Our three month anniversary."

'**You wiped my tears, got rid of all my fears why did you have to go?'**

"Got you!" I joked, playing if off even though I had forgotten. I couldn't believe I had waited for three months until I let him kiss me. I had been missing out on so much, but not just because of that but because he was so sweet to me and listened to me cry when my cat died and when my parents got divorced. He was truly awesome.

'**Guess it wasn't enough to take up some of my love.'**

"Thought you were slick huh?" My brother wondered as I snuck into the house.

"No. It's not like that. I was hanging out with Mohammed." Yusuf nodded as I rushed up the stairs. If it had been anyone else but Mohammed, I knew he would've been worried, but my brother was really close with him and trusted him with me, which was rare.

I couldn't pin point why I had been so closed-minded to him at first, but now things were working out. Seventeen years of being alone was completely worth it. As I woke up the next morning, I was still thinking about him, and whatever he had planned for the night.

"Go tell your sister she has a visitor." I heard my mother yell to my brother after being woken up by a bunch of scurrying around. I didn't know what was going on, but it was Saturday morning and I wanted to sleep in a little longer.

"Yo Fareeza, get up!" Yusuf yelled, opening my door as if he was really helping out anyway. Everyone in my family always yelled across the house instead of talking face to face.

"Why? Can't I get some sleep!" I yelled, turning over and burying my face under my pillow as my mother walked in quietly.

"Honey, I really think you should freshen up and come downstairs … we're all eating breakfast together." She began.

"Mom, it's almost twelve." I protested with a groan.

"Okay lunch. And hurry." She smiled at me and rushed out of the room. Weird. I sighed, got out of bed and threw on something decent, but not too dressy because I knew one of my cousins were probably in town. They always came so unexpectedly and—

"Mohammed? What are you doing here?" My whole demeanor changed immediately as I restrained myself from hugging him in front of my parents.

"I brought some lunch and thought you might want to go for a picnic, with your brother of course." I nodded humbly with a smile wishing I had chosen to wear something dressier.

"Thanks for coming." I whispered to Yusuf who just shrugged in response.

"Don't think you're the only one getting something out of this deal." He opened the car door to reveal his latest 'girlfriend.' He could never commit.

"Promise me that whatever happens that deep down you're nothing like my brother." I whispered to Mohammed who was now holding my hand and sending a surge of energy through my body.

"No, I'm cuter." I rolled my eyes as he pulled out of the driveway with my brother making out with what's her name in the back of the car.

"This is really sweet and totally not you. Who'd you steal the idea from? What it my brother?" I joked, only able to say what I wanted through banter. I felt too … naked around him like he knew so much about me already and I couldn't believe that we were together. We'd known each other for years and I always hated him.

"If you think this is all … you haven't seen anything yet." He squeezed my hand as I had to stop myself from squealing. I couldn't let him see how happy I was … not yet.

'**Guys are so hard to trust.' **

"So, this is what you had planned?" I whispered, following Mohammed blindly down the street. All day I had been pampered, with flowers and chocolates, and gift after gift. "I didn't know you cared so much."

"Step up." We continued until he pulled the blindfold off my eyes.

"Wow. What is this place?" I asked looking around a gorgeously decorated room.

"My place … well, when I start going to University." He paused for a moment, looking at me deeply and forcing me to smile.

"What?"

"You have something … right there." Kissing me again, we became wrapped in each other's embrace. "No. I missed it." We continued kissing until I stopped in, realizing where we were and everything.

'**Don't think that your charm and the fact that your arm is now around my neck.'**

"Is anyone else around?"

**'Will get you in my pants, I'll have to kick your ass and make you never forget.' **

"No. You don't have to worry about that. My parents are out doing there thing. It's cool that you're here."

'**Did I not tell you that I'm not like that girl, the one who gives it all away?'**

"So, this is what you've had planned out all along?" I looked around the room, feeling partially caught up in the moment and partially happy that I could see exactly where this was heading and stop it before it happened.

"Fareeza, I just want to make you happy." Mohammed pleaded, confused with why I changed my mind so suddenly.

"And sex is supposed to do that?" I almost screamed. When I started getting emotional like this, there was no stopping me.

"Sex? What does this have to do with sex?" Mohammed walked over to me, rubbing my shoulders softly. "I just wanted to make this special for you."

'**Did you think that I was gonna give it up to you this time?'**

"When a man and woman are alone in a closed room, Satan is the third party," I whispered absentmindedly. "You know, people warned me about you … how you were rude to Terri and everything. I should've known that you couldn't take this seriously."

"Fareeza, please."

"Just take me home."

"Fareeza--"

'**Did you think that it was something I was gonna do, and cry?'**

"You know I'm not easy. I'm not like those other girls, like Amy or even Emma. I don't do stuff like that and no amount of charm will change my mind, so just take me home!" I screamed disappointed that I had allowed this 'relationship' to get this far. Asking a teenage boy to commit to you and not have premarital sex with you was too much to ask, no matter what their religious background was.

"Just listen to me. I really care about you and you're completely over-reacting. I'll even call over some of my friends if you want."

**'Don't try to tell me what to do. Don't try to tell me what to say. You're better off that way.'**

"Yeah, so we can be doing it by the time they get here. Nice plan. Real nice." I grabbed my purse. "You're a real class act, you know. You really had me going."

"Just listen."

"See you." I slammed the door behind me and used my cell phone to call the nearest cab company. I was better off alone anyway.

'**I'm better off alone anyway.'**


	11. How Could This Happen to Me?

How Could This Happen to Me

"Manny, let's go." I demanded, glaring at Craig one more time. I couldn't believe I found them kissing at some dumb party she convinced me to go to. But nothing was worse than what happened earlier today when I admitted to Jimmy what I had done.

"Spinner, just let me explain." She begged as I shook my head firmly.

"No. I trusted you!" I heard my words slur out more slowly than I thought them. "I promised I wouldn't hurt you, but there you go. Let's go…" My voice trailed off. I didn't want to do this here, not in front of everyone.

"Spinner, this isn't a good idea. We have to stay here tonight." She pleaded, holding onto my arm, which I forcefully tugged away. "At least let me drive?" Manny begged as I got into the car, struggling to put the key where it belonged, but I eventually succeeded.

"Are you coming or what?"

"Don't do it Spin." Craig ran behind us with a mini-crowd watching.

"If you want to stay with him, go ahead, I put the car in drive and Manny hopped in before I could pull off.

"What the hell was that?" I turned away from the wheel to shake her. "Why would you do that?"

"Stop it Spin." I slowed down a little, trying to kiss her. "No!" She yelled slapping me away. "Watch the road." Manny tried to take the wheel, but I pushed her off.

"You won't kiss your own boyfriend, but you're all over Craig." I spat out angrily.

"You don't know a thing about that." She hit me again as we both started yelling and hitting at each other.

**I open my eyes I try to see but I'm blinded by the white light. **

That was the last thing I vaguely remembered, or maybe I just made it up, but now … I had no idea where I was, what day it was, or even if that thing with Manny had even happened.

**I can't remember how, I can't remember why I'm lying here tonight. **

Struggling to get up, I realized that I was trapped in some sort of ditch. I couldn't move anything on my body and I felt pinned down like … like by a tree or something.

**And I can't stand the pain and I can't make it go away. **

"Come on Spin." I tried to hype myself up, but I could barely see straight. Everything looked hazy and I could smell the distinct smell of blood very close to me, maybe even on me. I definitely had a blow to the head, which was starting to throb and within moments, everything faded to black.

**No I can't stand the pain. **

The police had come as soon as they heard about the crash. It was four in the morning, but teenagers were always out this late during the weekend, regardless of curfew regulations.

"What do we have here?" A small team of police officers and such pulled up to the site, noticing a small Filipino girl trapped in between a completely totaled red car and the tree that was possibly keeping her alive.

" Miss. Can you hear us?" One of the officers wondered as she struggled to open her eyes, but was met with resistance. "Can you hear us?"

"Yes. Where … Where …" Manny's voice trailed off as she wondered where her boyfriend was, but was unable to say it.

**Everybody's screaming, I try to make a sound, but no one hears me **

When I drifted back into consciousness, definitely by the will of God, I saw flashing lights everywhere. I didn't know what was going on, and as I saw them crowded by what used to be my car, everything started coming back to me. Manny and I had been fighting over the wheel because … I was drunk. I opened my mouth, to scream and tell them the story, but nothing came out.

**I'm slipping off the edge, I'm hanging by a thread **

I didn't even know what time it was or how long we had been waiting for someone to find us, but all I could do was blame myself for what was happening. Manny was in trouble. I could feel it, but I couldn't see her, which made me sick to the bottom of my stomach.

**I want to start this over again **

A groaned silently. I still couldn't move. But if anything happened to her, how was I going to be able to explain this to anyone. First Jimmy, then Manny. I really wanted to help them save her, but I couldn't. I couldn't say anything for some reason. Maybe it was shock, or maybe I was fading away.

**So I try to hold onto the time when nothing mattered. And I can't explain what happened and I can't erase the things that I've done. No I can't. **

Instead, I started seeing everything in my life flashing before my eyes, wincing from trying to smile when Manny and I had made it official at one of the school's dances. Those were the days.

**How could this happen to me? **

I watched the police try to pry my car from the tree, as something small looked like it ripped along with the tree that was tumbling down.

**I made my mistakes, go nowhere to run. The night goes on as I'm fading away **

The cops and ambulance stood around idly for a while as I waited for them to come find me.

**I'm sick of this life **

I didn't even know if I wanted them to, or if I even deserved to be saved after what I had done. Maybe someone else thought the same as me because shortly after they did whatever they had been doing, the cops moved towards their cars.

**I just wanna scream **

At that moment, I was hit with the realization that no one was coming back for me. No one had saved me and I was never going to know what happened to Manny. I tried one more time to move around the tree that was pinning me down and get out of the ditch, but I could barely move an inch. I suddenly felt cold and could see nothing again.

**How could this happen to me? **

(A/N: I haven't seen all of season four of Degrassi, but when I saw the preview for Jimmy's return, I knew this song fit perfectly for Spinner. I don't even like the band—who the song is by—but this song and this video can really relate to anyone. So if you like _How Could this Happen to Me_? Or even if you don't, review so that you can here about Terri next! And if you reviewed this previously before it was removed, I didn't see any reviews, so speak up! –NL)


	12. Someone's Watching Over Me

Someone's Watching Over Me

I was finally coming back to Degrassi Community School. Seeing Rick on the news like that as some psycho shooter really freaked me out and I had taken more time off. Counseling was supposed to help, but I wasn't sure that it had made any difference in my life.

**I found myself today **

Yet, I was ready to make a new journey, so I thought. But looking at the hallways made it so real. Too real and when I saw Jimmy, I personally felt responsible. I should've been there to warn him and all of them.

**Oh I found myself and ran away **

"Hey Terri!" He smiled at me as Paige, Hazel, Marco, and Craig all smiled at me as if expecting something.

"I- I can't you guys." I ran off to the nearest bathroom, finding myself on the very hallway where it happened, wishing that I could've somehow stopped it.

Although the shooting was really bothering me, I was more afraid of what everyone would think and of my return. I started to sneak out of the bathroom window, but the morning sun caught my eye.

**But something held me back **

My mother used to always wake me up early enough just to see the earth drift between nighttime and daytime. Sunrises and sunsets. She used to paint them too and tell me little stories about how my grandfather was up there and how we would all be up their together.

**The voice of reason I forgot I had. **

But she lied. When she told me those stories, she didn't tell me that I'd spend my entire childhood motherless.

**All I know is you're not here to say, what you always used to say and it's written in the sky tonight. **

A tear slipped from my eye as I went to the sink to wash my face, but more and more started to come. I didn't know why it still made me this sad to think about my mom because she always made me happy. I knew she wouldn't ever want me to feel this way and she would be heart-broken if she knew that I was still taking her death this harshly.

**So I won't give up. **

"Terri, are you okay?" Hazel and Ashley rushed into the bathroom. They both saw me crying and tried to get me to open up.

"It's my fault." I whispered as they assured me that it wasn't.

"No one knew that was going to happen. And it wasn't your fault. It was Spinner's." Hazel's expression became filled with wrath before it went back to sympathy. "I know it's hard seeing him like that because we've all gone through it."

**No I won't break down. **

"Yeah, Terri. We're go glad that you're back and we're going to be here for you no matter what happens. You're our best friend." Ashley added as my tears turned into a smile.

**Sooner than it seems life turns around. **

"You guys …" We all gave each other a big hug as I took one last look at the sun, thinking of my mom.

**And** **I will be strong even if it all goes wrong.**

She wouldn't want me to feel like this. Because she wasn't gone. I still had her in my memories, in the sunshine and sunset, and even when I looked at myself, I saw her.

**When I'm standing in the dark I'll still believe, someone's watching over me. **

(A/N: This wasn't one of my best chapters, but I really like this song. It's so inspirational and no one ever writes or talks about Terri anymore, so I just decided to pretend like the Degrassi writers didn't write her out of the cast. … it's a good song and it called _Someone's Watching Over Me._ Make sure to review. Because a new character is coming up next and I know you guys want to get to Emma! –NL)


	13. Mirror, Mirror

Mirror, Mirror

I still couldn't get why I was so hard on myself. I was at the top of my class and I had an amazing boyfriend who was truly interested in me, but none of it seemed to matter. Not to me, not to my, family, and I didn't think it was enough for him.

**Why don't I like the girl I see?**

I looked down at the pills I had taken from my mother. Diet pills. Yeah right. I had been taking them for months now and still I continued to get fatter and fatter. I was getting so humongous that I was embarrassed to wear a bathing suit in front of my friends, even a one piece, in fear that my bugling belly would grow a mind own and start eating people.

**The one who's standing right in front of me? **

Even people at my school were starting to ask if I was pregnant, as if JT and I had gotten that far. Although things have been going … okay, I could still see the way he looked at Manny, the way her _admired _her like she was perfect, even though she was a baby killer. She stole Craig and Spinner away from their girlfriends, had an abortion, and still he loved her. I couldn't stand it, so I told him about it.

**Why don't I think before I speak?**

Of course he was completely pissed off at me. I knew I was going too far when I accused him of probably sleeping with Manny and loving her more than he cared for me. I should've stopped, but I couldn't.

** I should have listen to that voice inside me.**

But it was true. All of it. The next day, I saw him hanging out with Manny … more like hanging all over her with her half-exposed stomach and her perfect skin, her perfect eyesight, her perfect teeth, her perfect black hair, and I knew that this rift between us was my fault.

**I must be stupid, must be crazy, must be out of my mind to say the kind of things I said last night. **

And when he asked her to dance at our school's costume dance instead of me, in front of everyone, I knew that it was because I looked like a round, purple grape in my dress, rather than the sexy fairy that I was going for. For some reason, Emma, Manny, and I had all decided to dress alike as three fairies. Emma wore blue and Manny wore pink. They both looked elegant, but here I was looking like this bumpy, incongruent grape that even the hungriest of people wouldn't dare take a bite of.

**Mirror, mirror hanging on the wall, you don't have to tell me who's the biggest fool of all. **

But, I knew I could make it up to JT. I could get thinner, so I'd been practicing. I had been taking these diet pills, which weren't working, so I starting cutting my meals in half, which only led me to being hungrier and hungrier and unable to sleep at night.

**Mirror, mirror I wish you could lie to me. **

But, even that grew too tedious as my relationship with JT became more and more strained. In a desperate attempt to get him back, I cut my meals into fourths, only to find that I'd wake up in the middle of the night, eat any and everything I wanted only to throw it up minutes later. At first, I was disgusted with myself and later I couldn't help myself. But when people started complimenting me on my new look and JT started paying more attention to me, I knew I was doing the right thing to get him back.

I know it sounds really bad and pathetic of me to go through such lengths to get James Tiberius York back of all people, but he was the first guy that I really liked and it was amazing that he had even asked me out. It's a good feeling to be wanted and to be loved and to feel adequate, and never realized how much I felt when he was with me.

**And bring my baby back.**

Just going out with him had made me bolder yet quieter, complicated yet simple, and happy yet sadder, which all made me feel alive for the first time. And when I said those things … I just wanted to preserve our relationship and make sure that he was only devoted to me. And now, I've gotten entangled in this web where everything is "just five more pounds" but at least I'll get him back. I have to. I don't hate myself when he's around.

**Bring my baby back to me. **

(A/N: Stay tuned for Marco's chapter next entitled _You Outta Know ... _when I get reviews I will be motivated to put it onto paper. But I demand reviews, so start writing! –NL)


	14. Rainy Day

Rainy Day

If people only knew the half of it, I wouldn't be the only hated one. Sully, Jay, and even Hazel would go down with me. I still didn't understand how Fareeza could turn me down like that, like I _meant _for us to be in that awkward situation. I really thought I was going to more on from Hazel.

**'I will dig a hole. Save my pennies for a rainy day.'**

As if my life wasn't complicated enough with the "love stuff" last night my brother and I fought over something as minuscule as a cd. I didn't really get what his problem was, but now I was stuck with bruises all over my neck and the realization that he could have killed me if he wanted to.

He _would _have if my mother hadn't been there. The scary part was that I thought I deserved it and almost _wanted _him to finish the job.

'**I will dig a hole.' **

"Hey dude, what's up?" Sully greeted me with Darcy hanging off his side. This was a surprise because he never spoke to me unless— "We've got this thing going on and I want _you _to drive."

"What? No man, I'm through with that." I paused, watching Fareeza walk by like a fresh breathe of air

"Look, you don't get a choice. Do you want the money or not?" Jay spoke up, so I was guessing it was his idea.

"And who gets the car?" I wondered.

"We all share it. Fix it up for another one--" Sully tried to explain.

"All right." I agreed. The cycle was continuing and there was nothing I could do to stop it. Like a person going 60mph about to hit a deer, I was stuck. It was inevitable.

Walking into English class, which was always a bore, was suddenly made more interesting when Fareeza came into the classroom. I sat in aw, watching her walk to her desk and take out her things. Red. She was so befitting in the color red.

'**Saving pennies for a rainy day.'**

As Ms. Kwan looked away, I tossed her a note. Fareeza glanced up at it, opened it quickly then tore it up. I guess she didn't want to meet me in the hallway. I was going to talk to her anyway. I just had to wait fifty-five more minutes.

"Hazel…"I breathed noting that Fareeza probably took an alternate route to avoid me.

"What do you want Mohammed?" She hobbled down the hallway and I could tell she was in the first stages of pregnancy, or maybe that was because she told me.

"What does Jimmy think?"

"Jimmy's my husband and he's happy." She averted her eyes as if it would kill her to look at me. "_We're_ happy." Hazel corrected herself.

"So, you're not going to tell him the truth?" I wondered as we both refrained from blurting out the secret that could drastically change both of our lives.

"We don't even know if it's true Mohammed, so let it go." Hazel sat down tiredly.

**'I will build a wall.'**

"I know this won't make you feel any better but … I still love you." I whispered in her ear, kissing the side of her face and squeezing her shoulder before running off. It was easier this way. And if my feelings were half as strong for Hazel as they were for Fareeza, I knew what I had to do.

"What was that dude?" Sully wondered with a laugh as Mike and Andrew followed his lead, as usual. "I thought you were getting dumped by that oinker, but what's going on with you and Hazel?"

"Nothing. So, what are we doing tonight?" I asked, needing to do something really stupid to get my mind off the things that really mattered.

**'Saw it coming from a mile away. I'm not scared.'**

"We're not doing anything unless …" Sully and the guys always got me to do stupid stuff like what I was about to agree to. Last time it was stealing and now vandalism. I nodded, walking away slowly.

**"I will just play dumb.'**

It was the only way that I could _pretend _like they were my friends, prove that I wasn't a sissy, and get invited to the best parties. Maybe I would find someone better than Fareeza tonight. Even if it was just a hook up, anything would be better than this.

"What are you doing?" Someone asked scaring the shit out of me as I stopped spray painting on the school's outside walls.

"Me and the guys are having fun." I admitted when I recognized Fareeza's figure. What was she doing out here?

"And where are they?" She demanded with her usual 'tough girl' tone. "I don't see anyone else around."

"I thought you didn't care."

"I don't." Fareeza shrugged it off, but continued talking anyway. "You could get suspended for this. Why do you keep breaking the rules so that you'll fit in with those losers, those assholes?"

"They're my friends."

"I guess there's not room for both of us then." Her eyes narrowed at me before she rushed off. Whatever.

"Hey, I'm done." I whispered as soon as I noticed the guys had reappeared.

"So?" Sully laughed as he kissed Darcy wildly. I didn't even ask about Amy. I knew how he treated people, how he disposed of them when they weren't any use to him anymore.

"So, where's the party?" I sighed, beginning to get a little angry.

"Oh, that." Sully paused. "It's cancelled. Better luck next time."

"What about other plans?" I suggested, needing to get my mind off things.

**'I won't hear a single word that's said. I will bite my tongue, never sing another song again. I'm not scared.' **

"They don't involve you. Now, we're busy." Darcy clung to Sully's hand, following him to his car.

"Fareeza!" I yelled, trying to catch up with her. "Need a ride home?" I smiled suddenly.

"I'm really disappointed in you." She began as I handed her a flower.

"Why? It was just harmless fun."

"Mohammed, don't you see what you're turning into? I cannot believe you. I thought you were more than that--"

**'Try when you're inside's out.'**

Ignoring her anger, I kissed Fareeza suddenly who first resisted, but then relaxed. "Jerk!" She yelled, hitting me with her bag after it was over.

"Don't you want to know how I feel about you? How I can't…" My voice trailed off as I was flicked off in response. Whatever. I knew just the place that would make me feel better.

**'I don't even try. I know I've seen the best I'll have. I don't even try. I don't even want to take my chances. I don't even try.' **

Arriving at my favorite cliff, I just sat there for a moment. It was kind of calming and I forgot about all the people that hated me and how the list kept growing and growing. This wasn't like I wanted it to be at all and no one was even giving me a chance.

"Great." I sighed. I started thinking about _them _again. I stood at the edge of the cliff, looking at the sky and the air that separated me from the next platform down. It was beautiful. I could just imagine myself flying through the air.

"Maybe I should…"

**'Clouds are coming. Air gets heavy. Looks like trouble on a rainy day.'**

As I walked closer to the edge, closing my eyes the idea that a short jerk or loss of footage made me want to turn around. I couldn't do it. Suicide wasn't going to set me free, but give me a one-way ticket to hell.

**'Sun starts sinking, can't see my shadow. Looks like trouble on a rainy day.' **

Almost on cue, the thunder started as did the rain, drenching my clothing and cooling me down. I sighed, trying to turn around the other way to look at what I would've been leaving behind. I smiled with hopes that things would get better. I tried to walk towards my car and off the platform, but felt my left foot slip from under me.

Now I was hanging off the edge of the cliff by my hands. I tried to scream, but stopped because I didn't want to waste my energy. I was getting out of this. I had too much to live for. I had to tell Fareeza … and be apart of Hazel's life somehow… Grunting I started to pull myself up slowly, but slipped again. I knew I was going down. I said two last prayers- Sura Al Fatiha (The opening) and Iklas (Purity).

**'Holes uncovered, walls will crumble. All spells trouble on a…'**

I closed my eyes, feeling the wet rain and air that I had trusted so many minutes earlier pull me down. And then I fell. Then, there was nothing.

'**Rainy day.' **

(A/N: I'm leaving tomorrow and I don't know if I'll have access to a computer or not. Yet, I will try to put up the follow-up chapter to Manny and Spinner's crash. Also, after that Emma's story and Alex's follow-up story will be next. If I get to update again, the next few stories will be like a new 'season.' So make sure and review. I'll also try to get another chapter of Wild Horses and In the Deep up for you guys! –NL)


	15. I Need Love

I Need Love

"Do you miss her?" I whispered, watching Jay watching Alex. He would never admit it, but he loved the girl and wanted to be with her. For some reason, he was still messing around with me even though they both had each other's hearts. I didn't care though. I had Alex to thank for this black eye that drew more attention my sullen face.

**'I left my conscious like a crying child' **

"She's nothing." They caught each other's eye before Alex walked into the front of the building. Taking my hand in his, Jay whispered,

"Come here." We both snuck out the back of Degrassi's costume dance into a small room that I had managed to get a key from my father.

**'Lock the doors behind me' **

"Why should I?" I asked, learning how to play this game very well. "Alex might hit me again." I added.

**'Put the plane on file' **

"Don't talk about her." Jay looked away and I knew I had said something wrong again.

**'Broken like a window, I see my blindness now' **

"I'm … I'm sorry, okay? I can make it up to you. I promise." He looked up suddenly. "Just think of it as me making up for my no show last night." Jay smiled, surprised. I was always able to surprise him and myself as well. I couldn't believe how slutty and un-Emma-like I was being, but I didn't even know who that girl anymore.

**'I'm tired And depressed' **

She was a distant memory that was interfering with my life now, but I wasn't going to have it. I would _act _and think later because I was young and ... needed some type of security and comfort.

**'Peace comes to my rescue and I don't know what it means' **

Somehow Jay provided that for me. It wasn't too emotional and a crazy rollercoaster like it was with Sean, but it was perfect for me and … It made me forget what was really bothering me.

**'And I need Love, not some sentimental prison' **

As I kissed Jay hungrily, I wondered if he knew that I wasn't really into this … I was too tired and sad to really feel much of anything, but was going on routine and instinct. That was what this little fling had almost become … natural. I looked down at my wrist, which now had an assortment of bracelets like Amy.

**'I need God'**

I couldn't point my nose up at her anymore because I was her. Maybe we lived in different houses and grew up differently, but I was still that lost, insecure girl who was looking for a niche, something to occupy the time and keep me from being bored or thinking about what was really wrong in my life. But somehow, I kept thinking about how my mom was suddenly pressing religion on me. Like that would help now.

**'not the political church' **

As I pulled off my jean jacket and spaghetti-strapped tank top, Jay started sucking my neck, just below my ear which reminded me of Sean. 'No!' I screamed silently as I could practically picture his face in front of me. Thinking if I stayed really still it would all go away, Jay noticed and asked, "Are you okay?"

**'I need fire to melt this frozen sea inside me' **

"I'm fine." I muttered upset. The moment was ruined.

"If you don't want to do this--"

"Why not? We've done everything else!" I yelled, my voice cracking as I started breathing heavily.

"Emma, I never made you do any of that. You came to _me_, remember?" Jay shot back as I reached for my top and jacket.

"You provoked me. You knew I was vulnerable!" I shot back, erupting into a major crying fest and Jay did the unthinkable. He held me and wiped my tears away, somehow making everything better. Maybe I would never have what I had with Sean again. Maybe this was the next best thing, or the only sign of happiness I would see again.

**'I need love' **

"I'm ready." I whispered, as we started all over again, this time without any distractions.

(A/N: This is all I have for now, but I spent the last two weeks writing down some things and you'll see stuff from Craig, Ashley, Manny, Hazel, Mohammed, and Amy.–NL)


	16. Don't Speak

Don't Speak

"Hey you." I walked over to Jay giving him a close once over. Emma broke it off with him and I was wondering how she was handling it. I made sure I punched her in the face for all the shit she'd caused, but it didn't make anything better but for the moment.

**'You and me. We used to be together, every day together. Always.' **

"What do you want?" Jay paced behind the counter as I smiled to myself. "What?"

"I never thought I'd see you like that, you know working honestly." We both laughed together. It was hard to imagine that something inside of Jay was killing him. But it was, and I thought that maybe it would be me. Maybe I would be the thing that was causing him to get so pale and look so emaciated.

"So are you going to order?"

**'I really feel that I'm losing my best friend. I can't believe this could be the end.' **

"Coffee." I smirked as he started to prepare me a cup. "And a sundae." I loved making him work. Anything that gave me an excuse to be near him was worth it and since we were both alone, it seemed right, like a puzzle piece, for us to get back together.

"I know why you're really here." Jay handed me the coffee, which I just looked at. I didn't really want it but I just ordered it because it was the first thing to come to mind. I mean, what was I going to do with it? I hated coffee.

"Why am I here genius?" I asked in response, still thinking about the coffee.

"Amy couldn't keep her big ass mouth shut and told you the whole story. Son of a … I was going there for her. She wanted to get a check up, not me." Jay shook his head furiously. "I would prefer not to know."

"Not to know what?" I urged him, even though Amy had already told me the entire story. I wanted to hear it from him. "You gonna tell me or what?"

**'It looks as though you're letting go and if it's real well I don't want to know.' **

"I'm HIV positive Lexi. The tests came back positive and I don't know how or why or—" Jay turned away as Spinner walked out of the back.

"Alex, what are you doing here?"

"Spin, I need you to cover for me. Just this once. I've gotta talk to Lexi." I grimaced. He only called me Lexi when it was something important and when he actually cared, like when I had contracted that STD.

"Sure dude." Spinner nodded as Jay threw off his apron and led me out the back of the restaurant.

"Oh God Jay. How could you do that?" I let it out once we were alone. "Why didn't you just stop sleeping around?"

"Nothing would fill the void. Is that what you want to hear me say? Sex wouldn't cut it, neither would alcohol or smoking. It sucked wit … never mind."

**'Our memories, they can be inviting but some are all together mighty brightening.' **

"What a wimp." I started smacking my gum loudly, ready to blow him off like I did everyone else. It was the only way I knew how to be most of the time. "No, keep going." I demanded. "You never talk about your feelings like this. It's funny."

"Because it's sappy. I suck. You shouldn't care. So why are you here?"

"Because I know how those assholes are gonna treat you when they find out. Everyone will shun you like you're so evil and dirty." I paused. "And even though you deserve that, you don't deserve this. It's really ironic how we start speaking to one another again and getting … somewhere when this happens."

"Yeah, well I deserve it and you don't so let's not talk about it." Jay suggested as I rested my arm on his shoulder.

**"As we die, both you and I with my head in my hands I sit and cry.' **

"Don't you want to talk about it? Aren't you afraid of—"

"No, I'm not. I'm not dying on you Lexi. I promise." I nodded as we wound up at Jay's house and later in his room.

I looked around at how familiar everything was and wondered what would happen if I just acted on my inhibitions rather than thinking. "Jay…" I whispered, kissing him with no concern or real knowledge of the disease he had and how it effected me.

**'Don't speak. I know just what you're saying. So please stop explaining. Don't tell me cause it hurts.' **

"Alex?" He questioned back as I continued to kiss him.

"I love you and I don't care what happens. I don't care if I wake up tomorrow morning and share this disease with you. I really don't." I kissed his neck hungrily, caught up in the intensity of the moment and relieved to have that sense of security in my life again.

"Lexi, come on. Stop it. Stop." Jay pushed me away in what was meant to be a light way, but what came out was a slap. I held my breath and bit my lips. The upper one was cut. "I'm … sorry."

**'Don't speak. I know what you're thinking and I don't need your reasons. Don't tell me cause it hurts.' **

"Sure. Sure you are." I nodded, backing away from Jay slowly, knowing that things weren't the same and would never be. Maybe he wasn't the same person anymore and maybe I was … holding onto something that was gone. "You're sorry. My mother's boyfriend is sorry. You're all so pathetically stupid." I wiped the blood off my lip, wrapping my arms around myself.

I was not going to turn into my mother. I would not let anyone treat me the way my mother was always been treated. No guy is worth it and I deserve more.

**'It's all ending…' **

And that's what I thought for the months that I rarely spoke to him and through all the rumors and bad-mouthing the Degrassi kids did until one day I got a call. Jay was in the hospital.

"I'm not sorry." I muttered, trying not to fall apart.

**'We gotta stop pretending, who we are.' **

"I didn't ask for an apology. I'm surprised you came."

"Jay are you--"

"No. I'm not dying … I promise."

"Not like I care anyway." I sniffed, trying to hold back my real feelings. "My mom sent these." I threw some flowers at him even though they were really from me. Jay and I were losing that thing that made it work … the thing that made me 'have a heart.' And I knew he was dying.

**'You and me, I can see us dying, are we?' **

(A/N: I hoped you liked some it this. It's really late and I can't think anymore. I just wanted to add in some real-life issues that Degrassi would probably never tackle … like teenage parents, suicide, eating disorders, and uninterrupted drunk driving. So make some comments and let me know how you want this to end because real life calls. --NL)

(A/N: I hoped you liked some it this. It's really late and I can't think anymore. I just wanted to add in some real-life issues that Degrassi would probably never tackle … like teenage parents, suicide, eating disorders, and uninterrupted drunk driving. So make some comments and let me know how you want this to end because real life calls. --NL)


	17. Part Two: Cards Never Lie

**Cards Never Lie**

I laid down in the hospital bed for the fourth consecutive month. Everyday was a huge struggle, but the doctors were trying to keep me happy and healthy for the child I was carrying.

'**The cards never lie, my last breath a sigh'**

"Manny. It's me Craig." He whispered as light sprawled across the dimly lit room. I closed my eyes tighter and tighter, not wanting face the fact that I would be leaving Craig behind. I wish I could explain it to him, but I didn't even understand it myself.

"I know you can barely respond, but I got you these." Craig placed a vase on the desk next to me. "I know pink roses are your favorite."

In that instant, I want to scream out that I was all his and let him know that I loved him … I only wish we had more time to develop something … functional. Everything with Craig had been a rollercoaster and I always thought that a child would bring us closer together. This time, I wasn't going to be around for it.

**'And now I think about if it's my time to die.'**

"I want you to know that none of this is your fault." Craig sighed. "If I had just broken it off with Ash and explained this to Spin, you would've never been in that accident. We should've been together."

'**Don't know what I was thinking' steady wasting time with Hill and I need to live my life because my time is unforgiving'**

"Look Manny. Emma and I brought in something fun for you." Liberty smiled up at me as Terri appeared with her cards.

"Tarot cards?" I smirked as Terri pulled a chair close to my bed and Emma helped by putting my empty tray in front of her.

"So, who wants to go first?" Terri wondered, looking completely mysterious and weird to the point where I was almost scared. "Any takers?"

"Can't you just do all of us at once?" Liberty asked and Terri nodded and began …

"What does that mean?" I strained to see as Emma quickly recovered the cards, which were now hidden behind Terri's hands.

'**Can't understand how my life changed around manifest my destiny  
as if the Brown underground'**

"Nothing. It was just for fun." Emma smiled as Terri nodded, looking suddenly concerned.

"It's not fun unless you know what it said. Show me guys!" I reached for the cards, knocking them out of Terri's hands. One landed on me as numerous others colored the floor with odd pictures and symbols I didn't understand. "Death?" I examined the card closely.

'**Blue skies are turning grey and it's the point of indecision.'  
**

"It doesn't mean anything. Mine said my body would turn on me and my health is perfect." Liberty reasoned. "I just gave blood two days ago." Emma and Liberty exchanged glances, but I knew something was wrong.

"Terri!"

"The oracle never lies. The cards never lie." Terri whispered sadly.

'**Believing in the cards you must respect it's every vision.'**

"Please cut the bull shit for five seconds Terri. Just tell her everything will be fine." Emma pleaded.

"I can't lie to her, not about this." Terri sighed. "I'm sorry."

'**Don't spend your time cause you can't waste your time. Everyday like it's your last, but you must feed the mind. Intervention comes and snatch up all your dreams from behind.'**

"I'm going to die." I repeated quietly to myself.

"Everyone dies Manny. This is just some sick game--" Emma began but I cut her off.

"I'm going to die."

'**Your heart and that's the feeling that you go with. If you have a dream you need to go and let them know it. Cause you could wake up in the morning and it could be over.'**

"So you can't be sure if it's for now or later. I knew this was a bad idea." Liberty reminded me practically.

"I'm sorry Manny." Terri repeated, heightening the situation.

"I never asked for any of this. I can't bear the thought of losing another child because I was selfish and made a horrible mistake."

"Now look what you've done." Emma glared at Manny. "I thought you were okay with the … well … you know."

"Please leave." Liberty asked Terri who nodded apologetically.

"Calm down. She was so lying. Your baby will make it through this and so will you Manny, okay?" Emma tried to reassure me, but it was just a lot easier for me not to believe for the better than to believe.

'**No, No, No, No.'**

"I want my dad." I sighed. "Bring him in here! Tell him--"

"You know your parents aren't here Manny. You know that." Emma held my hand tightly as I cried to myself.

Later over a computer generated machine …

"I'm going to die daddy, aren't I?" I whispered happy to hear his voice. I didn't know what had been going on with him lately. He always used to work all the time, but not like this. I hadn't seen him since … at least a month … as long as I'd been in this hospital.

"Manuela, don't be so dramatic. The bruising isn't all that bad. It's just that the baby--"

"What about the baby?" My voice rose as I suddenly wished I wasn't in this thing alone.

"It'll have to be delivered early if you want it to survive." He whispered as everything got quiet. "From now on just do as I say … we're taking you to a … better hospital and then you'll understand…"

'**I don't wanna, I don't wanna I don't wanna go.'**

That night

"Manny. I came to see you." I laid still. There he was again. Craig was visiting me more than Spinner was. I couldn't move. I wasn't sure if it was because this was so hard for me or because of what I just found out. I felt like no part of me could move and it was getting harder and harder for me to breathe. Knowing what I now knew made my burden heavier than I could've imagined.

"I want you to know that I … Might still … love you. I don't really know." Craig covered quickly. "Things are really bad between me and Ash and I wanna be with you. I'd be perfect." His voice lit up. "We could get married and do things right. Maybe we could--"

"Ahh!" I screamed, starting to breathe really hardly.

"Are you alright?" Craig wondered as I tried to shake my head. I still couldn't move.

"G-get a docAhhh!" I yelled. There was his horrible pain going through me and I didn't know what it was. I didn't think I was going to make this. Maybe Terri's cards were right. Maybe this was the … end.

'**Just, Just, Just let me stay home. Let me live my dream.'**

"Alright Manny. Breathe slowly. Don't push." A soothing voice commanded as I tried to obey.

"Oh my … is she supposed to be bleeding like that?" I heard Craig's panicked voice. Craig. How nice it would be to tell him everything and to start a life together.

"Manny. Manny. Don't close your eyes honey. Manny. Manny…" The voice became more and more faint.

'**Let me see another dawn.'**

Beep Beep BEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPPPPPPPP.

"Manny! Manny! Someone help." Craig demanded pushing through the crowd of doctors, trying to hold onto her. "Please." He hugged her tightly. "Please. Wake up."

"Sir. We have to ask you to move." Strong hands escorted Craig out of the room.

"No! Don't do this to me. Don't you dare!" Craig kicked as blood drained from his clothing. "Don't you die like … my dad." He calmed down a little, now completely shut out of the room.

(A/N: I originally was thinking of writing this one differently, but it worked. I know what you're thinking … I'm killing off all the characters. Not quite. I am excited about the next season, which I will not get to see because … well, anyway I hope you're enjoying this update after WAY TOO LONG! I have a lot more coming soon and then who knows when I'll update again. I just have to say that it's sad that every show I wrote a ff about goes off the air. Now Smallville and One Tree Hill are the only ones left … --NL)


	18. First

**First**

(Before News of Manny)

"So, my mom isn't home." JT wrapped his arms around my waist, wrestling me to the couch. We weren't supposed to be here anyway, but we snuck off for an off campus lunch.

"What are you implying?" I smiled, so completely and utterly happy yet not understanding how. This wasn't supposed to be my life. I wasn't supposed to be this happy. This was what Manny and Emma's lives used to be like.

"You know … I'll only go as far as you want." JT offered, as I shoved him away playfully.

"Am I that easy?"

"You tell me." He kissed me seductively leaving me with an inevitable smile.

"You suck." I shook my head, succumbing to his kisses as he softly laid me down on the couch. "Mmm." I smiled enjoying all of this attention. My plan to become thinner was completely working. We never bantered like this before.

"James Tiberius York!" A woman yelled as JT jumped nearly ten feet away from me.

"Shit." He mumbled, trying to straighten up himself.

"What JT? Do I finally get to meet your mom?" I smiled, trying to look presentable. We hadn't gotten that far yet.

"No … I think you should--"

"James Tiberius York! What the hell is going on here?" His mothered continued to yell, looking at me as though I were subhuman. "What's _that_ doing here?"

"Mom. Not now." JT followed her out of the room, leaving me confused. I didn't know what to think. So I was a "that" now? Waiting on the couch, I heard heightened voices.

"What the hell is that nigger doing in my house!" She yelled angrily.

"Mom, don't talk to her like that--"

"You better not be having sex with her. The last thing we need is a nigger baby." JT's voice got silent as his mother continued to rant and rave. I quietly slipped out the back of the house, heading home.

That was exactly the reason my father had moved me and Danny away from the states. The deep south where everyone was "dark-skinned" or "high yellow" and where I was hated for having "good hair."

"Oh my God." I sighed, running farther and farther from JT's house. I couldn't believe this. I had to tell someone about this. I had to tell Manny … no, she was in the hospital. I pulled out my flip phone and dialed the next best person. Emma

"Are you sure it was racism?" Emma wondered, always ready to give someone the benefit of the doubt.

"So, I don't know what racism is?" My voice rose higher as my burning pain turned into surprising anger.

"I'm just saying that you jump to conclusion a lot and eavesdropping never helped anyone." She stated matter-of-factly, looking as though the problem was solved.

"That's exactly what I mean. I can't believe it Emma." I shook my head furiously. "You of all people … I thought you would be on my side."

"I can't take sides if I only hear what you have to say Liberty and it's not fair to ask me to."

"Fair? Fair Emma. It wasn't fair for her to prejudge me like that and call me something … but you should know me and trust me enough to believe. You have no idea--"

"Idea of what?" Emma cut me off. "Is this really about JT or you moving in with your grandma?"

'Not." I sighed, my voice cracking again. "You have no idea what it felt like to be called … that. And JT just stood there. He didn't even stick up for me or tell her that we were dating. I just thought this time it would be different. I thought I'd be more than the opposite of white, a negative."

"Liberty. I--" Emma reached to hug me, but I jumped away as if being shocked. More than anything else, I let my guard down. I wanted so much to be with JT, but he wasn't what I thought. He … I didn't even know if he—

"Liberty God, what's the matter baby?" None other than JT walked into the co-ed washroom. He tightened his arms around my back as I shuddered. How could someone I had so much contempt for earlier suddenly change the way I felt so suddenly?

"You didn't stand up for me."

"What? When?" JT caressed my shoulders softly.

"You didn't even tell you mom that we were dating, like I didn't _mean _anything. But you were so ready to have sex with me a few minutes earlier." I turned to look at him accusingly as JT stopped all movement.

"What?" He repeated, backing away slowly.

"If you can't at least tell your mom about me, then we have no business being together." I declared, taking a moment to really think about what I just blurted out. "I can't play second fiddle to anyone. Not your mother and not Manny."

JT looked at me still speechless as the rest of the day blurred into a distant memory. If he wasn't going to hold me first … I knew why. I hadn't been taking care of myself, I admitted remembering all the nights I had been so caught up in JT and hanging out that I let all the cheese fries and hamburger pizzas fester and expand in my body.

Well, no more. I was going to … I rushed into the women's only bathroom. "Euck." I began to make an all too familiar sound followed by a contrasting feeling of calm and relief. Everything was better now. This was therapeutic for me…

"Are you done?" I found myself face to face with a recovering cutter. Great. It was Ellie.

"Stomach flu." I quickly recovered, wishing I had locked the stall this time.

"Then why did you have to stick your finger down your throat?"

(A/N: I wrote this this weekend because I had free time! I am going to actually try and update twice a month after these four parts, which I owe you guys anyway. This story is my most popular one, so I'm going to keep going. 'Wild Horses Two' will be updated soon. I have the next chapter in my head, but just need to type it. Much love! –NL)


	19. See You When You're Forty

**See You When You're Forty**

"I've got to see him and explain this." I sighed, holding the hand of a blonde-haired brown-eyes European guy I'd found and had been taking with during the summer. Being back in Canada was so bittersweet. It felt like home and I wasn't really sure why I was here about to break it off with Craig.

"What are you going to explain? To whom?"

"My mom." I decided, knowing that telling Craig alone would probably be worse. With Gray around, he couldn't do anything rash.

**'Driven around in circles for three hours. It was bound to happen that I'd end up at your house.'**

"You live _here_?" Gray wondered, sounding a little disgusted.

"No. Gray, do you trust me?" I looked deeply into his eyes, massaging his hands with mine.

"That is an odd thing to ask."

"You're right. But you're my friend right?" I whispered taking this chance because I wanted more from him and I already knew about the triangle thing, which I wasn't going to do again.

"I know something's up, but I trust you." I smiled small. Gray made it easier for her after what happened with her father. She thought that he was gone, but Gray gave her unfalse hope. Her dad has made it and while Gray was holding her and stroking away her pain, Craig hadn't even bothered to return the numerous heart-breaking calls she had made.

**'Temporarily forgot there's better days to come.'**

"Maybe I should do this alone." I changed my mind, holding onto Gray for support as I rang the bell of the … "Hey Craig."

He looked pat me, saw Gray, and barely moved to let me in. "Is he the new--"

"What happened to you?" I noticed the sling on his arm and the cast on his forehead. Gray looked at me briefly as I nodded for him to go away.

"I was in a little fight. It's nothing. I'm glad you're back." Craig forced himself onto me roughly and abruptly.

"Craig. Stop it. Stop." I pushed him away and walked into the house, hoping to be fully out of Gray's view. "What have been going on with you? You're falling apart." I noted attributing it to his lack of taking his prescription.

"No, I'm not. I'm here. Waiting for you." This time, Craig tried to kiss me again, but I let him this time.

**'Thought that I would give it just one last try.'**

"Craig … sit down. I don't see how this can work." I blurted out. Then, I knew what I had to do. This felt like a familiar, yet distant home. I didn't belong here anymore. I couldn't grow in this relationship. I couldn't have everything that I needed.

"Ashley, I'm sorry I didn't call. I've been going through a lot and Manny is in trouble."

'Manny. Of course. It's always about her, isn't it?" I could fill the anger rising in me even though I told myself I wasn't going to be angry. "I know they kid's yours and you obviously haven't been taking care of yourself…"

"What do you mean?" Craig stood up, clueless.

**'But I've seen tonight what I've been wrong about.'**

"I cannot watch after you anymore Craig. I can't make sure you take your meds and pretend like you didn't get Manny pregnant again. I can't."

**'I'm gonna leave tonight and I won't be back.'**

"Please Ash. I can't do this without you." Craig begged, on his knees, grasping for my legs. "I can't do this without you." He cried desperately. I was so overcome by emotion, that I couldn't say anything else. That was it.

"Is this about that guy out there, because we can solve this." Craig loosened his grip on me.

**'Not sad because you lost me…'**

"No Craig."

"I'll do whatever you want Ash. Please. I wrote all of these songs about us." Craig rushed into his room and brought out three notebooks of songs. I looked at a couple. They were beautifully written, but I couldn't give in again.

**'I'm gonna leave tonight before I change my mind.'**

"Can't we be friends?"

"How can we?' I responded with a question. "I have … I'm moving to England.

**'So see you when you're forty lost and all alone, being comforted by strangers you'll never need to know.'**

"So this is the end?" Craig cried out, like a child.

"See you." I said hopefully even though we both knew I wouldn't be coming back.

'**You're just a boy, not a man and I won't be back.' **

(A/N: Finally, no more Craig and Ashley! I mean, they were cute when they first started, but the whole Manny thing ruined it. I don't see how she could take him back, but evidently—on the show—she's growing tired of him, so I wrote my own version of that. Hope you liked it. There's so much more drama and interesting stuff to come up … if only I could balance and find the time for it, but I love it! --NL)


	20. Try

**Try**

(Note: Blu now goes to Degrassi High. This will be explained in a later chapter.)

"I can't ever trust you again." I stated keeping my voice thin and narrow, devoid of emotion. So, I gave in and talked to Matt.

"You won't even listen to me … maybe this wasn't a good idea." He looked out at the little kids playing in the park.

"If you would say something or even make some lame attempt to explain, it would make a huge difference Matt. Just don't lie."

"This isn't working." He decided to take the easy way out and not tell me the whole truth.

"That's fine!" I spate out, ruining my plan to play it cool and nonchalant. "See you." I grabbed the best of my things and left. I was glad that Manny had convinced me to do all of this and I actually missed her. I sighed. I was just going to keep this whole embarrassing thing to myself … until I figured out what to do.

Two Weeks Later

"He didn't even try to explain it to me Hazel. He just ran after that chick like it was nothing." I complained, glad that at least Matt wasn't a teacher here anymore.

**'All I know is everything is not as it's sold.'**

"Yeah." She whispered detachedly.

"What's wrong Hazel?"

"A student just died … two students and all you can talk about is Matt. He's all you talk about." She explained, close to tears.

"Oh hon. I'm sorry. I didn't know you and Mohammed where close … or Manny for that matter."

"Paige, it doesn't matter whether they were my best friends or not. I mean they were robbed. There are so many things that they never got to do … get married, have kids." Hazel paused looking down at her own protruding stomach.

"Tell me what's really going on here." I demanded.

"I just feel really bad. You should too."

**'But the more I grow, the less I know.' **

"I do feel bad, but it doesn't do anyone any good to cry. Crying doesn't solve anything and I for one am not going to mope around." I tossed my hair over my shoulder.

"But if it was Spin, you'd be bawling."

"For one, I would not and two how can you compare Mohammed to Spinner?" Hazel rolled her eyes turning to walk away as I grabbed her arm. "Answer me Hazel."

"Just leave it." Hazel walked off as I couldn't help but feel like I should be able to fill in the missing puzzle piece. But, the only piece I could think of wasn't fitting. I sighed. At least this miserable day was over.

"Hey Paige." Spinner glanced up at me looking weary. I was surprised that he had even come to school today.

"Sorry … about Manny." I forced out even though I was still heated that he chose her over me.

'**And I have lived so many lives though I'm not old.'**

"Yeah …" He started to walk away as I passed Matt's car with him in it.

"Hey Paige." He ran up to me as I looked back at Spinner.

"Need to talk?" I completely ignored his presence.

'**And the more I see, the less I grow. The fewer the seeds the more I sow.'**

"Paige, this is serious." Matt began.

"And so is this. Spinner's hurting. He doesn't _lie_."

"It's okay." Spinner nodded, as I watched him catch up with a sickly-looking Jay.

"You could get fired for this." I ranted in a rage, slamming the door of his car as the window shattered.

"Paige. What the hell …" Matt sighed getting into the seat beside me.

"Oops." I gave him a smile as the car pulled off.

"Blu knows about this college party. It might help get your mind off things." Marco suggested, wrapping his arm around me and pulling me closer to him.

"Blu? Since when does she decide what we do?" Ellie asked bitterly.

"Yeah who is this Blu anyway?" I wondered, still not seeing her.

"Oh yeah. Manny and Mohammed are dead, but we should go party it up. Great idea Marco." Hazel chimed in sounding less enthused than Ellie, if possible.

"It beats moping about what's wrong in the world." I sighed. In less than two weeks ago one of my off again on again friends had died and I found out that my out of college boyfriend was cheating with two women. "Count me in." I decided. When life was shitty, the best thing to do was party.

"Me too." Jimmy nodded as Hazel glared at him.

"You can't be serious."

"Let's have fun, at least for one night." He grasped her hand tightly.

'**I wish I hadn't seen all of the realness.'**

"This is lame." I mumbled, sipping on some "punch" from this "dry campus" party.

"You're not even trying to have fun." Jimmy sat beside me momentarily.

"I was until I saw her." I looked over at the girl with gorgeous, shiny dark hair. "I can't believe that she's here. What is she doing here?"

"So, who are we hating now?" Marco took Jimmy's place who went to go get Hazel to stop moping.

'**And all the real people are really not real at all.'**

"That brunette."

"Blu? Why? She's awesome. She gets these mood swings, but--"

"_That's _Blu?" I practically yelled. "She was one of the girls with Matt. What a freaking slut." I chugged the rest of my drink and fixed myself another.

**'The more I learn, the more I learn.'**

"Don't call her that. I'm sure it's just a misunderstanding. It couldn't be the same person." Marco reasoned. "Blu!" He ran after he as I took a quick shot, still holding onto the beer in my other hand.

"Forget it. I'm out of here."

"Paige …" Matt bumped into me, his eyes red and bloodshot. "I'm ready to talk."

**'The more I cry, the more I cry.'**

"We can't do everything on your terms Matt. I'm leaving."

"NO. Just give me a chance to explain." He begged.

"Fine." I shrugged, drinking more of this beer. "Let's go in the back." I suggested as Matt too helped himself to another beer. He brought along an extra unopened can.

"So do you want to explain this to me or am I going to have to fill in the blanks? Two girls?" I shuddered.

"Hey Paige." Dean walked past the door with a smile.

"Oh my … what are you--"

"Back the hell away from her." Matt was on the defense as Dean continued to look at me sleazily.

'**As I say goodbye to the way of life I thought I had designed for me.'**

"Chill. I was just leaving dude." It was strange that he had given up so easily. Even now I still had really weird feelings about him, an almost paranoia like he was up to something again.

"Paige, I'm really sorry …" Matt tried to console me.

'Don't."

"Okay. Um …." He took a huge swallow of his drink. "Logically it seemed to make more sense for us not to be together but--"

'**Then I see you standing there wanting more from me.'**

"Can we do this somewhere else?" I wondered, walking upstairs. I didn't want Dean or anyone else lurking around here. Matt followed as I felt myself losing control. The alcohol was getting to me and I wanted it to. I wanted to have fun and forget about my problems. I didn't want to feel pain like this.

"Okay … I feel really bad about--"

"Were you sleeping with someone else?" I cut him off, unable to really concentrate on what was happening.

"She wouldn't get the hint and when she found out about you, I couldn't tell her to stay the fuck out of my life. I wanted--"

"To protect our relationship." I nodded, understanding.

'**And all I can do is try.'**

"Paige, I don't want you to regret what we did and maybe we shouldn't be here like this." Matt sighed taking my hand in his.

"No. We should." I kissed him suddenly, moved by his compassion. I didn't even _want _to know what happened between him and Blue. Matt was coming back to be and I was taking him back.

'**Then I see you standing there. I'm all I'll ever be.'**

"Paige." Matt mumbled, kissing me back as the heat turned up. This was more than just some childish make-out session.

**'But all I can do is try.'**

"Matt … Matt …" I began to protest. "We can't go back to this so soon…"

**'Try.'**

"Okay." He pulled away. A few minutes later, I started kissing him again. As he tugged on my shirt, I began, "Matt. Please don't…" I begged as he kissed my stomach. I started struggling with him and a few minutes later, everything was a blur.

'**All of the things we want each other to be. We never will be.'**

"What happened to you last night Paige? You look horrible." Hazel commented as I realized I was in Jimmy's house.

"I don't know what the hell happened. I was wasted, no doubt, but I spent the whole night with Matt.

"Are you all right?" Jimmy rushed into the room upon hearing my voice.

'**And that's wonderful.' **

"Yeah." I nodded having the hugest hang-over ever.

"Good. I heard some things about you and Matt." He began.

"Like what?"

"Did he rape you?"

'**And that's life.'**

(A/N: I know what you're thinking … not again. But I really wanted to make something interesting with Paige happen and I'm not even sure what happened with her that night … I haven't decided yet. I hope you like this and I'm going to try _not _to dwell on the deaths of Manny and Mohammed because they are really depressing topics, but they will be brought up a lot within a couple of chapters! –NL)


	21. Every Word You Said

**Every Word You Said**

I walked into my dad's home "office" looking for a stapler. That's what I loved about his job. He always had whatever supplies I needed for school.

"Ooh." I smiled, reaching for a framed picture of mom and dad when they first got married in his drawer. It was framed, but I wondered why he didn't have it on top of the desk. "Cute." I picked up the pictures under it, my gaze stopping on one of a young, frighteningly beautiful young woman that I didn't know.

'**I saw her picture.'**

It was taken recently and on the back she had written some things. These words made me wonder what she thought she had with my father. She was probably another crazy and obsessed patient of his. But those words still stayed with me …

"Aren't you going out with us?" Paige asked as Jimmy looked up at me, waiting for a response.

"No. You guys go ahead and eat. Have fun, but keep it platonic." I joked, really worried about what was going on with my parents.

'**How could you be so careless?'**

"Are you still worried about the picture you found? It's probably just one of your dad's clients. My dad keeps a record of his business partners and their history. And your dad's a psychiatrist, so he has to." Jimmy reassured me.

Lately with all of Paige's and Matt's drama, I wasn't able to talk to he and she didn't really want to hear anything that I had to say.

"But a picture? I think I'm going to have to confront him about it."

As soon as I got home, I could hear yelling from my mom and dad. They were speaking in Arabic, which meant that they didn't want everyone to understand what they were saying. It wasn't time for prayer, so I didn't know what to expect.

I listened for a little while before entering.

"What am I going to say to the girls? How can you explain this?" My mother asked frantically.

"Tell them we need some time apart and nothing is final. Nothing's going on." He explained.

"But this woman thinks so. You can't make me the bearer of bad news."

"I'll be back to visit." He answered shortly. Dad opened the front door, walking past me without really noticing I was there.

"Mom, what's going on?" I rushed into the room.

"We're divorcing." My mom handed me the same picture I had seen earlier.

"**How could you have done that to us?'**

I didn't know what to do or how to respond to my father. He wasn't going to come back. I knew it. Grabbing a sheet of paper and I pen I started to write:

**'When I write this letter. I'll send it all back to you.'**

Dear "Dad"

You have ruined this family more than you'll ever know. I can't believe I trusted you and believed in you. But you don't even care. Did you ever care? Do you care? Everyday now for the rest of my life, I'll think of you with hatred … of what you've done to my mother more than anyone else …

'**And every word you said.'**

"They're divorcing." I sat emotionlessly in Jimmy's living room. "I don't think he cared enough to tell us about it." I added, playing with my wedding ring.

"But, he still loves you. You know that Haze."

"But I hate him for making us another statistic and for failing to live up to the image he's pressed upon me since the day I was born." I bit my lip. An adulteress. Like father, like daughter.

"**I was loving you like a child yeah.'**

How hypocritical was I to say that I hate him and truly feel it in my heart, when I was no better. I had done the exact same thing he was out doing now.

"Honey, there's something I have to tell you." My tears welled up as I tried to stay calm. "But we have to go somewhere first."

"Why are we at Mohammed's grave? Hazel, what's going on?" Jimmy wondered, confused.

"Because … he wanted to be here and he wanted me to do this … when he was alive."

"Do what?"

"Tell you the truth. I'm trying here, okay?" I yelled, falling onto the snow-covered ground. "It's about the baby."

"Is she okay?"

"Yeah." I nodded continuously. "But … she's not yours. I tried to be what my parents wanted me to be and--" Bull shit. I stopped myself it was utter bull shit.

"You what?"

**'All the time you were smiling the same smile.'**

"Before we got married, right before I took a chance. I had been growing really close with Mohammed. I wanted a relationship with him, but I had you and you're so perfect you--"

"Don't patronize me."

"We had never done anything together before that night. I swear." Tears continued to flow from my eyes. "But I don't know what happened. Everything just seemed right and I wasn't thinking. I knew it was leading up to sex, but I couldn't stop seeing him not--"

"You bitch." Jimmy suddenly stopped breathing.

"But, it wasn't a mistake. Part of me still loves him Jimmy. But I married you and brought you into this, which I should've never done." My lower lip trembled. "And now looking at the **lie **that my parents have lived for twenty-two years, it seems like maybe …"

"I don't want to hear it. I want to be the one to say it!"

"Then say it. We're both hurting."

'**I was loving you like a child.'**

"But I didn't right by you Hazel. I treated you like a queen. I did eve-everything for you." Jimmy started to back away.

"No. Don't leave." I pleaded as he continued on, leaving me in the cold.

'**I really trusted you.' **

(A/N: If this seems a little short and incoherent, it's because I was trying to get this chapter out quickly for you guys. It was originally just supposed to be about Hazel and her father, but I added in the big secret too … which was really obvious. Review. Next is Craig and "Haunted" which was really interesting to write … it kind of overlaps with the first chapter, but you'll see. –NL)


	22. Haunted

**Haunted**

(A/N: If the order seems discontinuous to you, it is. I write each part based on where the person stopped. For example, Last time I wrote from Craig's point of view, he was with Manny … this chapter revisits that a little and I think this was supposed to be before "Cards Never Lie" … I just didn't want to ruin it but maybe I'll rearrange this later. –NL)

'**Long lost words whisper slowly to me.'**

"Wha! Wha!" The baby cried as I groggily pulled myself out of bed. It was two am. What was I doing? What had I been thinking, taking care of this child … my child. She was so reminiscent of Manny.

I remember the day she went away … and almost blamed my daughter for it. Her life replaced Manny's, before we ever got the chance to talk about the stuff that really matter. I sighed. I was still here.

'**Still can't find what keeps me here.'**

"Hey Marisa." I tried to soothe my newborn child. It had been three months since birth, which left Manny dead. "Come on. Don't cry." I began, feeding her. That always seemed to get her quiet.

"You want to go see mommy?" Marisa cooed as I let her finish the bottle, burped her, and bundled her up for the journey. "It's going to be fine." I snuck out of the back door also 'borrowing' Joey's car in the process.

"Oh Manny." I cried as soon as we got there. "This is what we fought so hard for, a beautiful baby girl." I sniffed looking at little Marisa who was already sleeping.

'**When all this time I've been so hollow inside.'**

"I can't believe you're not here." I took a deep breath in, trying to get out everything that I wanted to say but never got a chance to. I had worked up my courage to even get this far … to her grave. It seemed so final.

"I always thought you'd change your mind and let Marisa lover you as much as she loves me. I should've stopped Spin. It's really my fault for--" Hearing rustling nearby, I paused. "Is someone there?"

"Craig?" I heard Spinner's voice as anger steamed through my body.

"Why are you here? You're responsible for this."

"What's wrong with you dude?" Spinner asked, but I was unable to stop looking at him this way, with hate. "It's been too real since Manny died, but I found something to subside the pain." He pulled out a plastic bag full of marijuana.

"Get that away from me. It's illegal." I explained.

"It's the only thing that eases the pain." Spinner began and I could tell he had already smoked some. He reeked of it. "If you're not so focused on Manny, you'll give more attention to your little girl." He rationed. "You'll be happier and life will be easier." Spinner continued, sounding like a television ad.

"Will I look like you too." I commented on how … out-of-it he was.

"Just take it. Just—a little bit." He snatched it back and gave me a small portion. What was I going to do with this, I wondered, shrugging and wrapping Marisa in my arms.

Days later…

"Please Marisa." I begged. "Joey, I don't know what to do. She won't stop crying."

"I told you babies were a huge responsibility Craig." Joey sighed. "Maybe you should stay home from school."

"I can't miss anymore days. Haven't you ever heard of a sitter?"

"We don't have that kind of money Craig." Joey explained.

"Then use mine." I put Marisa down abruptly, running up to my room to get my bookbag. I caught a glance of myself in the mirror. I looked horrible. Tired. I couldn't remember how long it had been since I had gotten more than four hours of sleep at a time.

That Night

As I was woken up again at 2 am and then 4 am the following day, that plastic bag from Spinner was looking better and better. I kept feeling like maybe I wasn't a good enough father and all I could think about was Manny now. "Just a little." I reasoned.

'**I can smell you all night**.'

Since then something about that marijuana was calling me. Everyday it called to me. In the middle of the night, at school, at work … and I couldn't resist it.

'**Your heart pounding in my head**.'

I had easily finished my stash from Spinner and had gotten more and more since then. Now, I was looking for some way to get money to get more. Stealing would probably get me thrown out since Joey was stressing over me taking his car out all the time, and using his credit card to buy things for Marisa.

'**Watching me.**'

"What can I give?" I looked around frantically. Not the guitar, but it was the only thing that stood out and would be worth a lot. "Come on Marisa." I picked her up, carried my guitar on my shoulder and drove to where I could get what I needed.

'**Wanting me**.'

"That not what we agreed on!" Tony screamed with his partner staring at the guitar.

'**Fearing you. Loving you.' **

"It's is nice though." Ron commented.

"It's all I have." I pleaded, hoping that they'd have some sympathy. It _was _a great guitar.

"Not good enough. You still owe me … the exact price of that guitar and more." Tony smiled.

"No!" I yelled as Ron snatched up it from me. In that instant, I realized how much my guitar meant to me and to let them take it for nothing … I couldn't do that. Laying Marisa down, I jumped onto Ron's back as knocked me down, punching me over and over until I fell down. Picking up my guitar, he smiled before spitting on me. Marisa started crying.

'**Watching me**.'

"Wait!" I yelled again, ignoring the blood that was covering my mouth. "What about … my baby?" I pleaded as Marisa's shrieks turned into deadly screams.

"Nobody wants a baby." Ron shook his head.

"Tell you what though. I'll give you what you want, for the kid … you can't handle it." Tony tested me. I knew it was a test. No one would want a baby.

This was one of the most pivotal deciding moments of my affection for my daughter, the source of all the pain I'd been feeling lately and the constant reminder of Manny. That high was calling me though. Hard.

'**I can feel you pull me down.'**

"I'll … keep her." I hung my head, ashamed, rolling over to her and rocking Marisa gently.

"You sure?" Ron tapped on the guitar as I tightened my fists to keep from doing something stupid.

"Go!" I yelled, trying to roll to stand, knowing that was the hardest decision I ever had to make.

'**I won't let you pull me down.' **

(A/N: This isn't as good as I thought it would be when writing it … three months ago, but it's something. Who do you want/think you'll hear from next? –NL)


	23. Don't let it go to Your Head

Don't Let it Go to Your Head

"I want to get back together … if you promise not to fuck up this time." I began as Jay dropped the cards he had been holding. He had been out of the hospital for a while and didn't look sick at all anymore.

"I can't promise that. I'm a screw up. You know that."

"I don't want excuses. And if you feel a little of a what I feel ..."

**'So what if I came clean?'**

"God, Jay. If you only knew how much I started to fall apart when I thought you were dying. I love you even after all of this."

"There's a formal." I began the next day with more questioned unanswered than before. Telling Jay how I was feeling, which I had never done before—I thought it would make everything perfect, but I was so confused.

'**I told you all you mean to me.'**

But, I was still glad that he was back at school … sure, at the rate he was going, he'd be in school until he was 20 and they kicked him out because he was too old, but at least he was trying now. He was different, better somehow. "Did you hear me? I said--"

"I heard you. And you want me to take you."

"Don't do me any favors." I rolled my eyes and pushed him away. Jay had changed, but not that much. I hated that I told Jay how much I cared. I could see that was what he was thinking about every time he saw me."

**'And so what if I meant every word I said?'**

"Fine." Jay smiled suddenly as I hugged him out of excitement. If it was just the two of us, I would've jumped all over him, but this was Degrassi. I had a rep to maintain.

"And about what you said…" He began as I turned around _away _from the building. There was no way that I was going to talk into that building talking about this.

"Do we have to do this here?"

"No, I just want to hear it again."

"Hear what again?" I looked over him as though waiting for Amy or someone.

"How much you love me, how great I am--"

**'Don't let it go to your head.' **

"If you weren't in recovery right now I'd--"

"You'd what?" He wondered, his face inches from mine.

"Loser." I gave in, kissing Jay quickly, but he prolonged it into a passionate kiss.

"Jay, not here!" I hit him, unable to hide the very obvious smile on my face.

"I thought we agreed to no hitting…."

In Kwan's Class

"Hey Alex … Alex." Marco called to me in the distance, but I was somewhere else. I was concentrating on putting the finished parts on my sketch—Kwan's class was so boring that I had to do something to stay awake. "Earth to Alex."

"Huh?" I snapped out of it. Finished with my art, I admired it. Perfect, absolutely perfect.

**'So what if I write your name?**"

"Alexia Rosalie Hogart? Cute Alex. Heard about that public display this morning, but I thought you were over him?" Marco wondered, doing what he did best—prying.

"I thought so too. You can't help who you're into."

**'Cause you're always on my brain.'**

"Now, it's love. Remember heartbreak?" Marco jumped in, trying to make me think reasonably.

"I don't care." I went back to my little scribbles.

"You should add a heart." Marco suggested sarcastically.

"Good idea." I sketched a heart using my bold, red pen.

**'In a heart I'd paint a crimson red.'**

In the mall

"What do you think about this one?" I held out a dark black and gray lace dress." Amy stopped and looked at the tag. Okay, so I had forgiven her and she was living with my drunken step father and punch bag mother. I just couldn't turn my back on her that night with her running mascara and the rain pouring down on her. And I knew her mother was one of those society-types that was only concerned about her image. Amy was like … a sister to me.

Amy shrugged and picked up a Spanish-style yellow dress that barely covered anything.

"Like you can afford that." I joked. "Not without mommy's credit card anyway."

"Let's not go there … at least my dress isn't ugly." Amy joked back.

"Now this is awesome." She pulled out a deep red, low back gown.

"But the price--" I began.

"Let's just try it on first. You can take this one." She tossed a cobalt blue off-the-shoulder corset dress with a small train.

"Thanks for picking out a great one." I muttered, trying it on. To my surprise, it was beautiful. "Wow."

"Yeah, you look great. Mine's a little hoochie." Amy shrugged.

"But you love it? Too bad we can't afford it." I looked back at the black dress I had earlier.

"We don't need to. I'll get it for you Lexi. It's the least I can do."

Before the formal

"Ta-da!" Amy rushed up to me, hugging me and handing me the blue dress with some matching shoes.

"How'd you afford it?" I wondered in disbelief.

"Don't worry about it."

"What are you wearing?"

"You tell me how it is." Amy started playing with my hair, making sure that everything was perfect.

"Amy. What did you do?" I demanded, but she ignored me.

"Nothing." She looked towards the floor with a distant, sad look on her face. "Hurry, Jay will be here soon.

The Formal

"Lexi, you look beautiful. You sure you still want to go to the formal?" He asked as I shoved him lightly.

'**Don't be getting any big ideas. Let me make it clear.'**

"Just drive … I'm really happy we decided to do this."

"You make it sound like we're getting married or something." He held onto my hand softly.

"No, but this is a big step. It means a lot. And you better do right by me this time." I tried to get tough to hide the fact that my heart was pounding a thousand times a minute. I couldn't believe I cared this much.

**'Just cause I can't go on. Just cause I die when you're gone.**'

"So are you going to dance or just sit there?" Jay took my hand, leading me out onto the floor. I caught a glance of Emma, but she was getting what she deserved.

"You're so charming." I rushed my head on his shoulder. "So what are we doing after this?" I looked at him expectantly, wishing that we could be like normal couples … not caring about the consequences.

**'Just cause I think of you in bed.**'

"I'm flattered. You want to fuck."

"Don't say it like that." I kissed him softly. "I want to make love. There's a difference."

**'Don't let it go to your head.**'

"Yeah, but we can't risk that. What?"

"Nothing." I laughed, realizing that I had been staring into his eyes deeply.

**'If I looked in your eyes one , two, too many times and memorized ever word you said.'**

"You want something to drink?" He asked, leaving suddenly.

"Sure."

"He's already running." Marco waltzed by as I shook my head. No way.

"It's cool. Come with me. Jay's behaving for once." I joked as I watched that slut Emma Nelson stick her tongue down his throat. Marco held me back as I watched his hands brush her face. He cupped her chin and kissed her—like he used to do with me.

'**Don't let it go to your head.'**

(A/N: I just really wanted to use this song, so I did. Sorry about the language, but I thought that they'd be the one's who'd be more crass than the other characters. There are two more stories related to this that will branch out from Jay and Amy … what will they be? Next is Jay with something, and then Blu … with maybe two stories. But what other guy do you want to hear from? JT? I already wrote one for him—pre Liberty's pregnancy…) Oh, and review!


	24. Unwanted

Unwanted

(A/N: Thanks so much for those reviews! I love them and it keeps me motivated—to write more and do so quickly, plus I'm out of class with a good GPA! Keep the reviews coming…)

In a graveyard

"So, he's the father?" I looked over at Hazel who was already at Mohammed's grave, crying over it and looking completely heartbroken.

"We're not friends Fareeza so don't talk to me." Hazel sighed, placing more flowers on his grave.

"You haven't changed." I paused, referring to how _she _was the one making me feel bad because I wear Hijab. I continued. "You did the wrong thing. Breaking up with Jimmy was … the absolute most stupid thing you could've done. Now you're going to be a high school drop-out supporting a baby on your own."

"Shut up Fareeza. This is not the time or the--"

"You think you're the only one that cares about Mohammed? News flash Hazel, he killed himself. And it's not because you stood by his side." I spat out, angry that he was gone but even more angry that if given a choice, Mohammed would've chosen her over me. I was always last pick.

'**All I did was walk over' **

"Don't you think I know that? But was I supposed to just leave Jimmy in the dark." She sat down on the cold, damp ground. "We both moved on and I thought it was okay but …" Hazel started to cry. "But … I'm not doing this here. Bye Mohammed."

As Hazel left, I walked over to Mohammed's grave. All I could think about was how I was awful to him before he left. I was going to get over it and apologize … eventually, but how was I supposed to know that I didn't have as much time as I thought? How was I supposed to know that tomorrow would be too late? "Bismiallah irahman iraheem …" I began reciting the first Sura of the Koran.

To be honest, I didn't know what else to do. I know that I've always been really quick to judge people and not give anyone a change but … I didn't know how to handle the situation with Mohammed. I was getting really genuine feelings from him and I didn't trust it. I didn't trust him. Hearing footsteps behind me, I quickly wiped away my tears. Hazel was probably back for round two.

"Was Hazel here?" Jimmy Brooks faced me, sitting in a new and expensive-looking wheelchair.

"Aren't you in the wrong place?" I asked, running my hands over my face one more time.

"So he got you too?" Jimmy shook his head, disgusted. "What was so great about this guy that Hazel would risk everything with me ?" He whispered to himself. "Two chicks crying over him."

"I'm not a chick." I rolled my eyes and looked down while saying, "And I wasn't crying."

"Whatever. Was Hazel here?"

"Yeah. I guess she made her choice, right?" I brushed past him. This was lame. All of this was lame.

In Simpson's Media Class

"So for your next project, you guys are going to do a digital story. The group in which you are placed will also be the group that you will do personal interviews with, turning into a radio project about diversity." Mr. Simpson smiled, as if this were his greatest idea yet.

I frowned. Just thinking about being placed with someone like Paige Michelchuk, who was so full of herself or even Marco del Rossi, the people pleaser, made me want to just go back home and never come back here. Well, it was mostly because being at Degrassi was a lot harder now.

I never noticed how I didn't have anyone here. I really didn't. I put all of my time into everything else, but connecting to people and it was okay—because Mohammed was there to distract her from everyone else.

"James Brooks, Jay Hogart, Fareeza al Sharik, and Sully Stewart are group C…" Mr. Simpson continued down the list. No way. Even worse than Paige and Marco were the three idiots that I was stuck with.

'**Start off by shaking your hand. That's how it went. I had a smile on my face and I sat up straight.' **

"So, we're starting now. Let's go. Groups now! Groups one through four, stay in here but I want you at opposite corners." Mr. Simpson escorted the other group to another room.

"We get paired with Osama's daughter." Jay joked.

"Very funny." I ignored them. When we got an "A" on this project, because of me, they'd get over it.

**'I wanted to know you. I wanted to show you.'**

"Watch out. She might blow up your house." Sully added as Jimmy stayed eerily silent. It was okay. I could handle them. Holding my composure, I smiled at them anyway. Media projects were totally my thing.

"Anyway, I was thinking that we could do something like MTV's "Diary" where we get insight into each of our perspective's and lives. I mean picture it. Each of us has a stereotype attached to us and we could--"

'**No. I just don't understand why you won't talk to me. It hurts.'**

"Great idea genius, but we're doing a radio show." Jay looked at me as if I was stupid.

"But that episode about being at war was awesome!" Sully grinned viciously, looking at me. "I would love to be over there kicking some Arab ass … that way they'd stop letting them come over here and taint our soil." He slapped hands with Jay.

"I am fifth generation Palestinian—I've probably been here just as long as your family." I shook my head, trying not to let it get to me and trying not to show a weakness and cry.

'**I'm so unwanted for nothing. Don't talk words against me.' **

"I'm surprised she can even speak English." Sully continued as Jimmy finally said something.

"Enough! Her idea is brilliant and if you don't stop being a jackass--"

"You'll what? Roll over me?" Sully joked as Jimmy flicked him off.

'**I wanted to know you, I wanted to show you.'**

"Say something to either one of us and you'll find out." Jimmy threatened. In a blink of an eye, Sully ripped off my Hijab. I rushed to pick up my head covering, but it was too late. They had already seen.

'**You don't know me. Don't ignore me. You don't want me there you just shut me out.' **

In a fit of embarrassment, I ran out of the room, tears streaming down my eyes. I was completely naked in front of them and there was nothing that I could do … but run to the co-ed bathroom and hide. I'd already let them see me cry …

'**You don't know me. Don't ignore me.' **

"Fareeza. Wait." Jimmy followed behind me as I struggled to put everything back on, but I couldn't. All I could do was erupt into a fit of tears. Never in my life had I been so embarrassed. Never in my life … "Hey."

"Please just go. I don't need your pity." I choked out. I still couldn't believe it. They hated me that much to … humiliate me in front of everyone like that.

'**If you had your way you'd just shut me up and make me go away.'**

"Let me help." Jimmy quickly grabbed up everything that had fallen to the floor and placed it back on me. With care.

"Thanks." I lay there crying, trying to recapture whatever dignity I had left. "You know … you don't have to help me—you didn't have to help me."

"I know, but what those dudes did in there. God! I already hate Jay, but what Sully did to you—I'll get him back. Promise." Jimmy reassured me as I caught a glimpse into his eyes. Maybe he didn't have everything. Maybe he was just as human and imperfect as I was. I looked away suddenly. "Come on."

"How am I going to go back in there now? I'm humiliated." I admitted with a huge sigh.

"You won't be alone. I swear I won't let them say anything else to you." He promised again.

'**Make me go away.'**

(A/N: What do you think? I don't really know what to think about this Avril song, but I do know that I'm going to be doing another part about this from a D ido song, so stayed tuned … actually that's the reason why I had to write this one! The last song was by Fefe D and you should check it out at I don't know where I'm going to put this yet, but Sean, Amy, Blu, Liberty, JT, Jay, Fareeza (again), Hazel, Alex, and maybe more will be featured before I close this second part. Enjoy! And review! --NL )


	25. Daddy

Daddy

"Liberty! Time for school!" My father called as he opened the door. It was five in the morning. He always got me up at five even though classes didn't start until seven thirty.

"I'm tired." I muttered. Really, everything was starting to wear on me.

'**My bones are tired daddy.'**

I had spent the night doing stuff for everyone but me and now I was a wreck. Three hours of sleep.

'**I don't get enough sleep.'**

"The early bird gets the worm. You don't want to be hungry do you Liberty?"

"Of course not." I responded, already awake. I didn't want to cause any drama. I didn't have the energy to argue with my father. I just wish that I hadn't snuck out last night to talk to JT—as if he could change my mind about his racist mother.

But I could at least give him a chance to explain. And I did, but it made no difference. JT couldn't even see past his own issues to notice that something was different with me. But had anyone else noticed? Why should he be any different?

Taking my slow time to get ready, I pretended to have washed my hair, really just blow-drying it. Whatever I could do to … avoid eating breakfast. The binging thing was getting to me, and now I decided just to not eat anything at all. That way, I'd still be on my way to being a size two, like Emma.

**'Don't eat as good as I could daddy. What's that say about me?'**

"No breakfast Liberty?" Dad asked as I grabbed the lunch he had made for us.

"No time. I don't want you to be late and … I want to catch that worm." I added sarcastically, but dad didn't pick up on that. He never picked up on anything unless it was right in front of his face.

"At least get something to drink." He urged as I shrugged, taking a sip of coffee to please him.

"Coffee? Liberty, you know that stuff is addicting. Looking at your mother…" He began to give me a lecture about the importance of breakfast, so I grabbed an apple to please him. "And you look so tired dear. I don't know why." Dad continued as Danny bounded down the steps late, as usual. "You sleep all day on the weekends." He joked as Danny laughed too.

**'You know I sleep sometimes past noon, daddy. I drink lots of black coffee and I smoke like a chimney.'**

"Can we go?" I begged as my father shook his head.

"Someone left the refrigerator door open."

"It wasn't me." Everyone's attention went in my direction as Danny yelled, "shot gun!" behind him. "Fine. I did it. I left the door open."

"What have I told you about energy?" Dad asked, ready to turn this into another lecture.

"Please dad. I don't want to be late." I pleaded, as my anger and distaste for him started to grow. All he did was complain about what I didn't do right. What about when I did things that weren't wrong? It was always expected that I'd be perfect. Danny was the screw-up and I was the Barbie doll. I looked down at my stomach. Almost.

**'And yes, I left the refrigerator door half open, daddy. What's that say about me?'**

"We'll finish this in the car." I nodded, sitting in the back. Danny always got the front, like it was _meant _to be that way or something.

"Liberty! Have you thought about what I said to you last night?" JT wondered as I shrugged.

"Like you're going to be able to change your mind. But seriously JT, how can you live with a racist?" I asked looking down at him, something I'd perfected after living with my father since birth.

"What am I supposed to do Liberty? Move out? I know she's wrong, but adults don't like to change. Look at your father. If he knew we were together and doing what we--"

"No one knows about that okay." I placed my finger across his lips to silence him. JT could never keep quiet about anything.

"But do you forgive me is what I'm asking?" He begged, getting down on the floor and crawling after me as I kept walking.

"Can't you be serious for a second?" I rolled my eyes. "We had a pregnancy scare JT. How more real can this get?"

"Please?" JT began kissing my feet.

"Number one eww and number two I need to get going otherwise I'll be late for student government." I began, feeling weaker and weaker. Rushing to the bathroom, I gorged on that apple I grabbed this morning and the lunch dad had packed for me. Instantly, I felt better. Then, as soon as my body started feeling better, I started feeling sick. "Eucctch." Everything I just gorged on was suddenly in the toilet. Good.

"Liberty. You're late." Dad complained as I nodded. I knew I was going to be. We had been planning a huge concert at Degrassi—deciding on which school bands would play and what celebrity that should try to get to perform. I just kept walking towards the stairs. I was so tired today.

"Liberty van Zant, don't walk away from me. Come eat dinner."

"I need to sleep." I protested.

"At seven at night? What about homework? And getting a head start on those junior college applications?" He urged.

"I know dad. Just chill." I sighed, holding onto the stair railing for support.

**'You know sometimes I want to rip out your throat, daddy for all those things that you said that were mean.'**

"Don't use that tone of voice with me. You can't afford to slow down now Liberty. Do you want to make it to Harvard or not?"

"You know I do dad, but I need sleep okay? I get so sick and tired of you always telling me what to do, what to eat, what do wear—since when do I not have a mind of my own?" I yelled, using almost all of the energy that was left in me.

Stunned, my father didn't say anything, so I continued. "It's not like being imperfect will ruin my future. Everyone's imperfect, but I don't get why you have to ride me harder than Danny. He gets away with everything and …. And it's not even like you're perfect."

'**I'm gonna make you just as vulnerable as I was, daddy. What's that say about me?'**

"Excuse me?"

'**You know sometimes I want to bash in your teeth, daddy. I'm gonna use your tongue as a stamp. I'm gonna rip your heart out the way that you did mine, daddy.'**

"You heard me!" I yelled in his face. "Are you even listening to me anymore? Can you even see me?" I raised up my hands as if I was going to hit him and with the rage that was growing inside of me, I wanted to, I really did.

"Are you threatening me?" He wondered as I noticed that I had picked up one of the kitchen knives."

'**Go ahead and psychoanalyze that. Cause I'm creation. I'm your love, daddy. Grownin up to be and do all those sick things you said that I would do.'**

"Don't think that I can't see it, or that Danny can't see it … or even mom. We all know that you guys are separated and that you're seeing someone else." My voice grew deeper as I realized what I was saying. "And then that little secret society that you're apart of … how can you call yourself Christian when you do all those evil things daddy?"

**'Well last night I saw you sneak out your window with your white hood, daddy. What's that say about you?'**

"Who are you to judge me? I'm trying to do what's best for you." He pleaded.

"By making me feel like nothing? Do I have to always be the best and drive myself into the ground to do it. I lose weight, it's not enough. I get up at 5 when everyone else gets up at seven. What is this?"

"I think you need to go to bed Liberty and _think _about what you're saying to me." He demanded.

"See what I mean? You're not listening to me dad." I paused, leaving the kitchen and the knife behind. "I'm imperfect. Don't make me feel like nothing because of it. That's what makes me human."

**'I'm sloppy, what's that say about you? I'm messy, what's that say about you?'**

"I think you should go to bed."

"Yeah, I am tired." I agreed with a sigh. Nothing had changed.

"And JT called, but no phone calls until after you've eaten."

"Sure. Work hard first right?" I shook my head mechanically, pulling out my phone and calling JT before I could forget and lose focus. Anyone would be better than my dad at this point. Too bad I was feeling dizzier and weaker by the moment.

"Hello?" I began but my phone dropped as everything went black.

'**My bones are tired, daddy.' **

(A/N: I really liked this Jewel song because it was about dealing with something that had nothing to do with boyfriend-girlfriend relationships. Maybe I paralleled this chapter/writing to something else … but I've already written it now. All I know is that I've been trying to choose the best songs that I like and/or know to tell each character's story. I'm glad someone told me that I left the Liberty story hanging because I did. Thanks and review! –NL)


	26. Rock Your Bones

**Rock Your Bones**

"I promise I won't tell anything. I'm good at keeping secrets." I admitted, eyeing Sean as Ellie snapped the planning book closed. Paige and Alex. "Chill Ellie. Nothing bad will happen." I smiled at Sean seductively.

"Okay, let's get one thing straight _Blu_, you really need to stop checking out my boyfriend." She threatened as I laughed.

"No problem. We will definitely make sure that the decorations and everything get there."

"Wait. I never said--"

"We're the only two not really doing much of anything Ellie. Let me help you. It'll be good okay?" Sean reasurred Ellie as she nodded angrily. I could already see the divisons between the two of them. Not only were they sitting two feet from each other, but they hadn't exchanged an intimate touch yet, which meant that it wouldn't be too hard to give Ellie a dose of her own medicine.

I guess I was lucky that Paige hadn't killed me yet--she has the whole Matt thing mixed up--but every time I made plans with Marco, Ellie showed up or got Marco to do something else. I couldn't stand girl like her; jealous and weak, which were the two worse combinations. But Ellie wanted to be catty, I would give her something to worry about.

"Great car, did you fix it all by yourself?" I muttered grumpily as Sean's car sputtered and finally died out on us. It was only a couple of hours until Marco's party.

"This'll take two seconds." He hopped out of the car as I pouted. I was really looking forward to having some fun with him at the party--maybe a little dance or two ... just to get to Ellie. But this opportunity was even better. I could have my cake and eat it too.

Stepping out of the car, I did a hair and make-up check, giggling because I decided on the daisy duke gold shorts. Perfect. I just stood and watched Sean work for a while. So adorable. Then, I touched his arm lightly.

"I won't tell anyone if you won't." I smiled at Sean seductively. This was fun, getting back at Ellie. She was trying to ruin my friendship with Marco, which was the best news I had since going to public school.

"Blu, come on. This is serious." Sean sighed, trying to fix the car.

"You know if you had just taken my car, this wouldn't have happened. Now we'll never make it to Marco's surprise party." I complained. All the decorations were in the back and this was turning out to be a disaster.

"This isn't the time to blame anyone. Will you help me?" Sean wondered as I scoffed.

"No. Oh, your phone's ringing. I'll get it." I picked it up. It was Ellie. "Hello."

**'She called and asked honey where could he be? So sorry girl but your man is with me.'**

"Where's Sean?"

"Ellie? Is that you? It sounds like you." I began with a smile.

**'So sorry girl but your man is with me.'**

"Look, _Blu_ just get him on the phone. He's late for Marco's party." She whined.

"I'm sorry but Sean's … indisposed at this time. Can I take a message?"

"Hey, hand me that jacket it's getting cold!" Sean yelled as I giggled. This couldn't have gotten any better than if I planned out the whole thing in advance.

**'She called and asked honey where is he? So sorry girl but your man is with me.' **

"Sorry Ellie. Maybe he'll be available later." I left the phone on, turning the voice call onto silent so she could hear us but we couldn't hear her. I honored Sean's request watching him work. This was so boring. I wish he was more fun like the other guys, the ones that chased me around to the point that I almost felt sorry for them.

But I never let myself get to close to those guys. I couldn't. But Sean was ... totally not the pretty boy and actually interesting--but I wouldn't be able to commit anyway.

"Could you hurry up?" I asked, wrapping my arms around his waist. "You're doing it all wrong."

**'He didn't complain.'**

"Am I?" He stopped, amused.

"Yeah. You have to put your back into it. Like this." I took the wrench from him, pushing him aside, andstanding just inches in front of him, bending over.

"Blu…" He began to complain.

**'Left me nothing to ignore.'**

"Don't fight it. I won't tell if you won't." Kissing him hungrily, I lingered on his lower lip. It was just big enough to nibble on. Holding the phone closer to us, I made sure that she could hear everything. "Looks like you've been holding back." I ripped off his shirt, wrapping my legs around his waist.

**'And maybe if you weren't a pain.'**

"Blu, I can't…"

"You're already doing it. Look. Your body's ready …" I smiled, looking down at him. Very nice. "Don't think just do." I smiled triumphed, making sure that my moans were exaggerated.

**'Just a wife and I'm his whore.' **

"Are you … going to tell anyone." Sean stopped suddenly.

"No, only if you promise that this won't be the last time." I smiled, feeling like I was worthy of something. I didn't think about the fact that this guy would never know who I really was.

**'I rocked his bones.'**

But he would know me as a sex kitten … on more than one occasion. This would teach that skeletor to mess with me.

**'He was alone, so I rocked him.' **

(a/n: I know you all hate Blu right now, but it's not over yet. Everything will come full circle, but we'll only see things from her perspective and Ellie's unless I do a double son fic with both Ellie and Sean … "La Tortura." Review and make sure to tune in!_Water Runs Dry_,_WhiteFlag_and _Who Knows_ are coming up soon! And if anyone was offended by anything, let me know … I know the 80s Degrassi covered all of this, but the new one hasn't .. and I want to use And. rea. L.'s "Give Me Your Love" somehow. –NL)


	27. Water Runs Dry

Water Runs Dry

I knew what I did was a mistake from the moment it started until it ended, but there had to be a reason why I would even consider touching Blu. She only pursued me because of the whole rivalry over who was Marco's best friend, but why had I done it?

"Ellie." I opened the apartment door and to my surprise, she was actually sitting on the couch, crying and there was Marco.

"Why don't you go away Sean? This isn't the right time." Marco suggested.

"I'll be in _my _room." She told Marco.

"Don't you want to hear what I have to say?" Ellie barely shrugged, as if doing so would give me too much satisfaction. "What does she want from me?"

**'We don't even talk anymore.' **

"What do you think Sean? She wished it never happened." Marco explained.

"I do too. Don't you think this last week … I mean is she going to forgive me or not?"

"She might be moving out." He disclosed, grabbing up his jacket and heading towards the door.

As he left, I rushed upstairs so nervous. "Marco says you might be leaving." I was expecting a suitcase or something, but nothing was there. "I think you should."

"Isn't the cheating boyfriend supposed to ask for forgiveness?" Ellie shot back, looking both fierce and vulnerable at the same time like only she could do.

"This isn't a confessional Ellie."

"And I'm not Emma." She shook her head. "If you were bored with our relationship you've should've had the decency to dump me. Have a little tact or something. Maybe you do belong in Wasaga." Ellie looked at me accusingly.

"It's not about boredom or routine. Before Blu, we were screwed up. This is between me and you."

"And now she's between us. Or is there even an us anymore." Ellie walked closer to me. "Don't try to protect her. Everyone hates her for what she's done, but I'm thinking that you're more to blame."

"Can we drop the blame game for two seconds? Ellie … I don't know … we should … break it off." I finally finished with a relieved sigh.

**'We don't even know what we argue about.'**

"Good idea Sean. Run away." Ellie smirked at me coldly.

"I can get back to Wasaga, easily." I offered. This was going … okay.

"And I can live without you—it doesn't mean I want to." She added quietly, hiding so I couldn't see her face and what she was really feeling.

"Do you love me Ellie?"

"What? Don't ask me that when I want to kill you. I hate you right now."

"Because we never say it or talk about how we feel." I pressed.

**'Don't even say I love you no more. Saying how we feel is no longer allowed.'**

"Then you tell me and beg for _my _forgiveness. You missed up." Ellie backed further and further away from me.

"Do I scare you?" I wondered, remembering the words that had started our relationship.

"Do I freak you out?"

"I have uh—a car to—uh work on." I covered, trying to stop these feelings for Ellie from coming back. I loved her and she loved me, but it didn't seem to be enough. I was tired of all of this and just wanted a break. I just wanted to … think.

**'Some people work things out and some just don't know how to change.'**

Two weeks later…

"I'm ordering pizza. You want some?" Ellie asked, interfering with my concentration on the car. It was hard enough tearing my mind from our situation, but with her standing directly in front of me it was impossible.

**'Let's not wait till the water runs dry. We might watch our whole lives pass us by.' **

I had been working on my car feverishly for two weeks to distract myself from Ellie and everything. But I had to make a decision. _We _had to decide if 'we' worked anymore.

"No. I'm fine." I muttered, pausing to watch Ellie dial the number. She was so different now, but the same. Her hair was long in loose auburn waves, her hazel eyes shining at me. "Can we talk?" I gave in, focusing on just her face now, how hope suddenly appeared from the darkness.

"What do you want?" She asked as I dropped my tools, taking a few steps towards Ellie cautiously.

**'Let's not wait till the water runs dry and make the biggest mistake our lives.' **

"No."

"What?" Ellie wondered, confused.

"You don't freak me out. You're everything. I was wrong. I'm sorry." I spilled out all the things I never thought I would say even though a part of me had always felt that way. "Ellie.." I mumbled, as our lips brushed softly.

"No. I have to be able to trust you."

**'Don't do this baby. Oh.'**

"So, we're not together?" I started to get angry.

"We are. We're just backtracking." Ellie smiled, squeezing my hand and then walking back into the house. I didn't know why I expected more and suddenly, I was wishing that I had just broken it off and left. Then, I thought about someone who I hadn't given much thought to—Blu.

'**No. Oh.' **

(A/N: I have one more for Ellie and Sean … towards the end. I think an unexpected character is next and we'll also hear from Jimmy, Fareeza, Alex (2x), Marco, Paige, then Ellie, Blu, Craig, JT, Hazel … who else do you want to hear from? –NL)

Special Thanks to:

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and all the others who haven't reviewed recently for their support! 


	28. Who Knows

Who Knows

(Warning: This chapter takes place over a longer period of time, so it's a lot longer than the rest. Feel free to make more than one visit and review! –NL)

"_He's_ our new ballroom dance teacher?" I wondered as Amy nodded with a smile.

"Cute."

"Older." I glanced at her as she rolled her eyes.

"Look, that thing with Christian is totally over." She sat down with a sigh. "I just miss the sex." Amy joked I as shoved her playfully.

"You whore."

"I know." She smiled back. "But seriously Alex, thanks for being there for me. Everyone else kicked me out of my ass and you've been better to me than I've ever been to you." She hugged Alex quickly before anyone could see either one of them show a "soft side."

"Exactly. That's it. The key to ballroom dance to be comfortable with your partner and not be afraid to invade each other's personal space." Our new teacher pointed towards Amy and I, who were completely caught being emotional around everyone else. "One of you guys, come up here."

**'Why do you look so familiar?'**

I looked at Amy who shrugged at me. I knew why he called us out. I knew this guy from … somewhere. I just couldn't remember right now.

"So, what do I have to do?" I wondered, as he took my hands.

"Step front with your right then together, then back with your left together." I nodded. I knew what this was. It was beginner's stuff. Dancing was the one thing my mother had taught me how to do. Dance was what used to matter when I was little before my dad killed himself and her life became all about finding various men.

"Is this it?" I wondered as he nodded.

"See how she's not afraid to…." He continued as I studied his face closely. I knew this guy somehow, but I wasn't really sure.

'**I could swear that I have seen your face before.' **

"I'm Alex." I whispered as we began to show a new move.

"I know. We met at the University of Toronto."

"Oh." I nodded, still not remembering. I know that's when Marco and Dylan broke up, but—

"Have you had lessons before?" He asked as I nodded, unable to really say anything. I was already starting to like this guy, even though men were nothing but trouble. But, I was ready for anything that would erase all thoughts of Jay Hogart.

"Don't tell me you don't remember me?" He grinned as we both concluded the dance. "Michael. Michael York."

After class

"You were completely up there for a long time Alex, longer than any of the other girls. I know you got digits." Amy probed.

"No. It wasn't like that. I just knew him from somewhere." I checked to make sure I had clean undies and began to prepare for a shower. I paused, feeling Amy watching me. "What?"

"There were sparks up there. I know it. Just be careful." Her attitude changed as I rolled my eyes. Amy was definitely _not _the person I would ever go to for advice. She had already gotten herself into a big mess with her mom's husband, boyfriend … whatever he was and now something weird was going on with her. I just didn't know what.

"Hey Alex, mind if I share a shower with you? These are all rusted and we're the only ones in here."

"Whatever. I'm almost done." I shook my head. Amy couldn't do anything without me. Next thing, she'll be asking me to wipe her ass after she takes a shit.

It wasn't the whole taking a shower in the same open area as Amy that freaked me out, because all females pretty much have the same parts and she's already seen the scars mom's boyfriend left behind, but it was the eerie feeling that I was getting while standing next to her. It was like she was _watching _me and paying more attention to me than I was to myself.

"I think I'm gonna go." I announced after two minutes, grabbing up a towel and hurriedly putting on dirty socks and all my other clothes from earlier.

"Don't forget to meet me out on the side!" Amy yelled back, but I was gone so quickly that I missed the rest of what she was saying."

After School

I kept thinking about two things: Amy's weirdness and this Michael dude. I couldn't believe that I forgot his name, but that was a while ago like … right _after _summer had ended and it was practically April now. "I don't care." I told myself, yet I kept walking in circles past the gym area in hopes that he would be there practicing or something.

"Are you waiting for me?" Michael popped up from behind me as I jumped out of my skin.

"Yeah right. Just because these other groupies are stalking your linky ass doesn't mean I give a shit about you too." I turned to walk away partly happy that this was over and at the same time beating myself up because I told him he was nothing to me when Jay was nothing he was really a step above nothing. "So don't talk to me cause I don't have anything to say to you."

"Oh, that's cool. I just thought you were an awesome dancer." I shrugged. "I haven't seen moved like that since Vanessa Williams on that movie." I kept walking and then stopped and turned around.

"Bull shit and the movie was _Dance with Me_…" I stopped as we both laughed because he got me to say something. "So why does our school need ballroom dance anyway?"

"Don't know, but I need all the practice that I can get. I'm doing a huge competition this summer." Michael explained.

"Yeah right. You expect me to believe you go to college _and _teach _and _do pro competitions?"

"Actually no college … right now and who said I was a pro?" He smiled.

"I know one when I see him." I grinned back, biting my lip as everything got silent. Okay. "See you in class tomorrow?"

"Maybe … but there are lessons at—"

**'I think I like that you seem sincere.' **

"Don't have time." I lied, knowing that really my mom couldn't afford it and I was saving up for … a way to get the hell out of this part of suburbia Toronto.

"Just come … tonight and I'll take care of everything. If you don't want to come back, don't but give it a try." I continued walking. "Are you coming?"

**'I think I'd like to get to know you a little bit more.' **

"What time?" I called back.

"Seven."

"Meet me at the plaza!" I called back thankful that I was only working for a few hours and could get Paige to cover for me. And no way was I going to have him come to my trailer with my ma's recent broken nose.

Three weeks later

Ever since that night … a three weeks ago, I'd been ditching Amy and everyone else to come here and watch Michael practice. He was awesome, as a dancer, I mean. I had totally given up on seeing guys as more than just friends and it was different having someone like him—older, more sophisticated (even though he was a member of the York family), and gorgeous that was just a really positive force.

**'I think there's something more.' **

I just hated watching how his partner, Svetlana or some other Russian name, kept trying to pursue him. She was gorgeous too, her nose was a little big, but I couldn't get what was stopping him. Svetlana was constantly ALL OVER HIM and I hated it.

"Are you done?" I called after the last sequence was finished, putting down Brave New World, that novel Kwan was forcing us to read for her 'honor's class'—something I was forced into.

"Michael and I have … plans afterwards. Why don't you go home kid?" She responded as I flicked her off.

"Are you done?" I repeated as Michael nodded walking towards me. I met him halfway, hugging him tightly.

"How was I?"

"You footwork got a little sloppy towards the end." I joked, as he took my hand in his. "We going to eat?"

**'Life's worth living for.' **

"Yeah, but I need to do something first." Just as swiftly as Michael had grasped my hand, he let go.

"Where is he going?" I asked to no one in particular.

"Maybe he is seeing someone else." Svetlana chuckled as I restrained myself from hitting her. After waiting about two seconds for him, I got a little impatient and walked towards the studio exit. Normally, I would've danced on the floor a little, but tonight I was too excited to tell him my news—and ask for advice, about college.

I looked around, hearing chanting. Following the direction of the voice, I came across Michael on his knees praying in a foreign language. I watched in awe as he placed his hands on his knees and rose and then dropped completely to his knees.

Before I could think about anything else, Michael was through, spotting me instantly. "I didn't mean to spy on you."

"No. You have a right to know." He smiled at me, holding a small rug under his left arm. "I'm a Muslim."

"Okay." I shrugged, not really knowing what it meant—other than that Hazel was supposedly one.

"So, umm … what do you believe in?" Michael wondered as he packed up everything from the studio.

**'How do you always have an opinion?'**

"What do you mean?"

"Do you follow any religion?" He asked.

"My mom's a Catholic … well, sometimes, but all that praying to idols is too freaky for me. And it's stupid. She still gets beat up everyday, you know?" I looked away as tears welled up in my eyes and Michael held me closer.

"You know, I used to be like that … I come from a strong Catholic Italian family and when I decided not to be a Christian anymore, my family flipped out on me. But Christianity doesn't do it for me." I smiled.

"My mom doesn't even know that I don't do all the symbols and rituals. It's just too … hard to deal with all the stuff in my life and then to force myself to do something else that I don't believe in."

"So you don't believe in anything?" Michael looked at me, expectantly.

"I don't know what to believe. I know God is there … I'm not a complete idiot, but there are just so many religions and ways of thinking and … I'm not ready for more confusion…" My voice trailed off as I realized that what I was saying might make him mad. "Are you pissed right now?"

"I will be if we don't get something to eat." Michael joked. I gazed at him admirably. He didn't make me feel like I was stupid just because I didn't believe what he did. I liked that.

'**And how do you always find the best way to compromise?' **

At home

"Where were you? I was waiting up." Amy commented as I plopped onto my bed. I was exhausted. "Have you been seeing that teacher?"

**'We don't need to have a reason.' **

"I not seeing him and he's a 'guest artist.'"

"Didn't you learn from me Alex? Do you have to repeat the Jay episode again?" She wondered.

"Yeah, well Amy you were part of the reason the heartbreak began in the first place, remember? The ravine? It wasn't that long ago!" I shouted to get her to shut up. Amy was seriously ruining my good mood.

**'We don't need anything. We're just wasting time.' **

"But didn't you see what happened with Paige and Matt? Maybe you should just swear off guys for a while." Amy suggested.

"Look, I get that you're jealous that I haven't been spending time with you, but get over it. Michael is a really good friend and he's helping me out with stuff … I'm even thinking about going to the mosque with him."

**'I think there's something more.' **

"Oh, so you're a Moslem now?" Amy practically shouted.

"It's Muslim and no. I just want to see what it's all about and if you tell ma about it you won't have a place to stay anymore. Got it?" I threatened, turning off the light and heading to the bathroom were I could be alone and think in peace.

**'Life's worth living for.' **

A few days later at school

"You psyched for your competition?" I asked Michael after class was over.

"Yeah, but there's just one part that doesn't seem to work."

"That's probably because Svetlana can't dance as well as I can." I joked.

'**Who knows what could happen?**

"You think you can do better?" Michael wondered as I nodded. He cued up the music and took my hands. "Prove it."

'**Do what you do, just keep on laughing.'**

"You're on." We started doing a sleek rumba number followed by a sexy salsa piece.

"You're really awesome at this." Michael complimented me as I swooned. Okay, so I didn't actually fall or anything, but I felt like we were floating and that I wasn't in Degrassi and all this other weird stuff was happening to me. I felt so free and it was either because of Michael or dancing itself, but I didn't want to let go.

'**One thing's true there's always a brand new day.'**

"Alex. Alex." Michael called out as I opened my eyes. The stereo had stopped playing music, but I could still hear it in my mind. "There's something I need to tell you."

"No, I just have to do this first. It'll explain everything." I reassured him, closing my eyes and leaning in part of the way, hoping Michael would meet me the other part. I don't know if he did or not, but our lips met anyway and there are no words for what that felt like.

''**I gonna live today like it's my last day.'**

(A/N: The last song was from J.ewel and this is from Av.ril. –NL)


	29. Heaven

Heaven

(A/N: Guess who this is before he/she goes back to Degrassi. Review and let me know who you thought it was! –NL)

Most of the school year had already passed by now and I still couldn't get used to this. This new life, the chopped copper hair, even my style had become less preppy and more grungy.

Even worse than all of that was that I would never get to see anyone from my distant Degrassi past. I had to forget Degrassi existed, for everyone's sake. I looked around at the people who were near me, my so-called new friends and this band.

Who was I foolin? It only reminded me of him. "Hey girl, are you with us today?" Alexus, our bass player, wondered.

"Writer's block." I shook it off.

"I hate those." Paul chimed in. "Yeah, but I think it's more than that." He added as I looked over at Mitchell who was silent. Always silent.

"I don't need anyone probing." I stood up, my extra-mini black shirt sloshing behind me.

"But it _is _weird how you never talk about your past. You're running." Alexus stepped in again with one of those innate abilities to fully explain what everyone else was thinking.

"You're wrong guys. You know nothing about my past." I muttered, strumming a flat chord on my guitar. I had been doing that lately. But it too reminded me of him. Even music was cursed without him.

"Exactly. I bet it's because there's a guy.

**'Oh thinking about our younger years.'**

"Well … maybe." I started thinking about the last time I kissed him. It was such a sad goodbye. I hated pretending like that and breaking his heart. No one deserved that.

**'There was only you and me. We were young and wild and free.' **

That conversation and failed practice got me thinking. I knew that something had to change.

"I think I want to go back to Degrassi and see him." I announced to my mom and dad, knowing that my glance-exchanging parents would have to recognize all the pain I was feeling and cave in. They had to let me go back to Degrassi.

**'Now nothing can change what you mean to me.' **

"Absolutely not! We've risked a lot to get you here and--"

"Me?" I snapped back. "The reason we're here has NOTHING to do with me. If you hadn't … never mind." I stopped myself. I knew that my dad wouldn't hesitate to kick me out, even if it was just for the tight.' It had almost happened already. I began running to my room and starting to pack anyway.

**'We've been down that road before but that's over now.' **

It was more than a scare. I left behind more that just some guy. My family was in Degrassi.

"I think I need a vacation." I came back downstairs.

"From what? Honey, you know that's impossible right now." Mom reasoned.

"Maybe I'll leave forever."

"Do you know how serious this is? It's about more than just you and your puppy dog feelings for this boy. All of our lives are at stake, but yours is the most important honey." Mom tried to hug me, but I pushed her away.

"I got dragged into this and no one asked me what I wanted. No one wondered if and how it was going to affect me."

"I know baby and I apologize."

"Would you have rather died in the streets with no one there to protect you?" Dad stepped in from the shadows.

"I think about that little--"

"Enough!" Dad barked.

"and I totally freak out." I continued.

"Enough!" He yelled again, this time a little louder, if that's possible. "Just like your cousin … no better …"

"I'm no whore. You take it back." I begged, clinging to my father as he pushed me away.

"I want you out. Now!"

"Please baby, don't go." Mom held onto me as my father yanked her away from me, giving me five minutes to get my things.

After Traveling that night

**'You keep me coming back for more.'**

How was I going to explain this to Craig? I didn't even fully understand how this witness protection program worked. But this was not my problem, my dad got himself into this mess. I wasn't sending one of the biggest drug dealers in Toronto to the police.

"Craig I …" I practice before knocking on his door, not even thinking about the target on my back or my parents—only of the life I'd left behind.

"Oh my …" Craig backed away slowly as I walked into the house.

"It's me." I smiled reaching for a hug.

"No way. No way in hell." He repeated, passing out.

**'Oh once in your life you find someone who will turn your world around.' **

"God, I'm losing it." He whispered when snapping out of it.

"No you're not. I'm alive, _very _alive. That whole accident thing was planned. I can't really say anything else except that I should be with you. But Craig--"

"I can't do this." He shook his head in disgust.

**'There's a lot that I can say.'**

"Ashley's still in the picture?" I looked away sadly. "I don't care." I couldn't get my thoughts away from Craig.

"No. She left me for London."

"Oh."

"Is that all you can say?" Craig looked so hurt by me being here. I was expecting anger, but not plain raw heartbreak.

"'I'm sorry' would be a lie. The whole reason I'm here is to be with you … and our baby."

"_Our _baby? Funny, last thing I remembered was you leaving me with her." Craig spat out.

**'But just hold me now.'**

"No. Please listen. I could get _killed _being here. _Killed_, but I don't care. I don't care about my parents. I don't care about my life. All I care about is you guys. If I only get to see you both one last time, it'll be better than a lifetime without you." I walked closer to Craig, resting my head on his chest and crying softly.

**'Cause our love will light the way.' **

A few days later

"Are you ready to let me see her yet?" I asked Craig who had warmed up to me. We were talking and I wasn't sleeping on the floor last night. He was.

"You know I had to give her up for adoption? I had to give up my parental rights to Joey and Caitlin." He sighed hurt.

"But she's living here with you. I heard her last night." My eyes lit up suddenly. "She's strong. I can hear it in her voice."

"Stay here." Craig hopped up and in minutes came back with a beautiful and wiggling baby girl. She was bigger than I expected. "Eight months." Craig explained, reading my mind. "Eight months without her mother."

'Baby you're all that I want.'

"Marisa." I cried, holding her tightly and looking at the likeness between us too. Her eyes, her dark hair and high cheekbones like my mother. She _was _me. "Can I feed her?"

"Yeah." Craig handed me a bottle as Marisa grasped at it hungrily.

**'When you're lying here in my arms.'**

"She knows what to do. She's so smart." I smiled to myself, kissing her softly, mesmerized by the steady slurping sound of milk exiting the body. Within moments, Marisa was sleeping and I was almost sad that she wasn't awake so that I could watch her. My child.

**'I'm finding it hard to believe we're in heaven.' **

"She doesn't seem to hate me." I joked, walking with Craig who laid her down in the cradle.

"What are you doing? Someone might see you." He urged.

**'And love is all that I need.'**

"I don't care. I told you, I don't. I love you Craig." Wrapping my arms around his neck securely, our lips met passionately. "I could never love anyone else." I promised.

Stroking my hair gently, Craig kissed me again. I hoped that he knew how much I really did love him and how much … I wanted to go all the way this time—not just physically, but mentally and emotionally. I wanted to be with him forever.

**'And I found it there in your heart.' **

"Marry me?" I muttered as Craig and I were making love.

**'It isn't too hard to see we're in heaven.' **

(A/N: I know there are a lot of Cranny haters, but I was planning this all along! Maybe it isn't realistic, but Manny, Jimmy, and Hazel are my favorite characters and I couldn't leave them in the dark, completely. Tell me what you think and who'd you think it was? Will Craig accept her proposal? Should he? You tell me. –NL)


	30. I Don't Want to Know

I Don't Want to Know (if You Don't Want Me)

Even with living with Alex, I still couldn't stop thinking about him. Christian, with my mom. It just didn't fit. Things didn't suck with Ms. Nunez. She was cool with everything. And I was beginning to develop something for someone else.

"Are you going to get your lazy ass up or not?" Alex yelled in my face.

"It's too early for this shi. No school for me." I looked away. It was the same disappointed face mother had given me. I couldn't stand that I was the cause of that. My best friend, the person I loved more and anyone else … much better to me than mother had ever been. "Fine bitch but I get the shower first!" We raced to the bathroom, both of us ending up stuck in the doorway at the same time.

While giggling and pushing each other, I really noticed Alex. Like really … she was so much better than me. I almost hated her for it. "I'm not moving." I crossed my arms.

"Then I guess we'll both smell like shit when we go to school, right?" Alex shook her head. After a few minutes, she asked, "You're really not moving?"

"Why don't we just both go in. I'll wash my hair and stuff in the sink and you can have the shower."

"Whatever. Just hurry." I nodded with a smile.

Alex was much better than what's his name …?

"Can you hand me that towel?" Alex wondered as I nodded my head, later yelling, "Sure!"

As I turned around, I caught myself watching her shadow from the shower. Literally everything about her was perfect. I quickly handed Alex the towel and hurried to get ready so I wouldn't have anymore thoughts. I couldn't be feeling like this because I was still into Christian.

SCENE

"Okay, I came to school." I smiled as Alex stopped walking up Degrassi's steps.

"Come on Amy. You can't be serious." She rolled her eyes.

"Look, you go on. Talk to your lover boy in there. I'll catch up with you later." Running from Degrassi High, I met my ride at the back of the school. I was doing something a million higher than school—I was working. I owed some people some things and was way overdue.

With a sigh, I forced myself to hop into the car and let this … lug do whatever he wanted. It was just like being in the ravine, except I got paid for it and got a free high to ease the pain.

SCENE

"Just drop me off here. I'll be at work tonight, maybe a little late, but I promise I'll be there." Sydney continued bobbing her head to the music as I slammed the car door. Like she would remember to give the boss my message anyway. Sid was so absent-minded.

"Moment of truth." I whispered to myself, that same sensation of loneliness I felt, since leaving Alex, returned.

**'I know where you live yeah.'**

"Yeah, I was just about to—" Christian thrusted open the door before I could even knock. I knew mother had changed the key already.

"Not expecting me?" I half-smiled as he cleared a path for me. Still the gentleman.

"I told you I couldn't see you anymore." Christian sighed.

"Which is why I've been feeling horrible. Everyday seems like a hundred days." I exaggerated. But I wanted it to be true. I wanted to have feelings for him and _only _him.

**'And I want to leave there too. I drive by almost everyday.'**

"Don't be dramatic Amy." Christian clicked off the phone staring at me intensely. "What have you been up to?"

"Working. Toronto's not the place for me." I admitted, pulling out one of Sydney's smokes that I snatched when she wasn't looking. She never paid attention anyway.

"Is it really for anyone?" He laughed, taking my hand in his lightly. "I don't like you smoking."

**'It's not even really on my way. When am I gonna get to see you?'**

"I'm already high anyway." I smiled back. It didn't matter. No high was high enough to erase away what I had already done today or the stinging realization that Christian seemed … content. Watching to see what he would do next, I knew he had all the cards. Christian always had me, even I he didn't want me.

"Don't do that to yourself." He scolded as I hugged him tightly. Oh, so tightly. His smells, his embrace … it all reminded me of what Alex would say. What would she think if I went back to this? "Your mom will be here soon."

"No." I looked up at him with tears in my eyes. "Is today the day you're gonna leave her?" I naively asked.

**'I won't be misunderstood. It won't do you any good.'**

"Amy, I … what have you been doing? I'm worried about you."

"If you want to know, you'll be here. Tonight." I handed him a book of matches with out logo on it, rushing out before anymore words could be said.

Before making it down the block, I watched my mom hobble out of the car looking strangely fat. Christian greeted her warmly with a kiss, exactly how things should be for me.

**'Think I'm not the one you could.'**

Here it was, the moment of truth … now I just had to go back home and face Alex for a while.

SCENE

"You think I don't know the game?" She spattered out as I walked into the house, beat.

"Look I just had to walk all the way here from across town."

"You should've been in class. Three more missed days and they're kicking you out Amy. Don't you care?" Alex almost looked _down _at me.

"Why should I? I'm doing better things." I tried to explain.

"Like what?"

"Happy fucking birthday!" I threw a box with a sleek gold necklace at her.

"Amy, where the hell are you getting all this expensive shit?"

"I saw Christian today." I began as to make her jealous, knowing good and well that Alex didn't care. "We're getting back together."

**'But I know that you would.'**

"Get real."

"Don't believe me fine, but I'll be out of your air space soon enough." I shouted, grabbing up my uniform for tonight. Christian _was _gonna dump my mom. He _was _gonna love me since I was making Alex hate me more and more everyday.

SCENE

That night, Sydney didn't come in, so I had to do her set and mine—one as Eva Mendes and the other Miss America. I loved it—the attention I mean. Having to take all of my clothes off in front of a bunch of screaming men was almost … demeaning, but looking at all the money I was making, it was more and more uplifting. They were the losers, not me.

As things started to heat up during my next routine, I thought I saw Christian watching me closely. A man nearby reached out to grab me as my set was put to a stop. Holding back tears of disgust and embarrassment, I picked up the remaining money and rushed backstage.

**'I watched you through the window last night.'**

"Christian?" My tears melted I pulled on a long top and held onto him. "You came?" I kissed him quickly.

"Amy, we need to talk."

**'I thought I saw a girl in the candlelight.'**

"What? Didn't like the show … that doesn't usually happened." I explained while pulling on more clothes.

"Did you give mother the news yet?" I pulled my curled tresses back into a ponytail.

"There's something you should know … your mom is pregnant."

**'You think that's fair after all I've done? Restraining orders one by one.'**

"Stop lying Christian. Just run away with me. I've saved up enough money to last a little while." I took his hands as he pulled away.

"No. I can't … not like this." He turned his nose up at me. "She's pregnant and you're a ho."

"I can be whatever you want. Just come with me." I begged.

**'And I really think that you should reconsider.'**

"Let me take you home." He avoided my gaze.

"No." I shook my head stubbornly. I couldn't believe that I was back here, being _pitied _again. So pathetic. I was so pathetic.

"Get away from her!" Alex came out of nowhere, punching Christian in the jaw.

"Alex? What are you doing here?" I backed away, looking back and forth between two people I wanted way too much.

**'I don't want to know'**

"I'm taking you away from this. I can't believe you would do this." Alex rolled her eyes at me. "You're better than this."

"What do you know Miss Vice President? Miss newly-converted Muslim? You've forgotten what it's like to be trailer trash." I spat out.

"You had the rich mom, remember? You've never been poor a day in your life." Alex stalked away leaving me confused.

"Alex wait!" I brought her back into the backstage area where Christian watched us intensely. "I have to do this. Don't say anything. Just understand." Moving closer and closer, our lips met with uncertainty. So much was answered in that one moment, for me. Alex just stared in disbelief as Christian grabbed my arm. He was jealous.

**'if you don't want me, no.'**

"I can't let you live like this Amy."

"Like what? Someone loves me Christian. I mean something to someone and I wish that someone was you."

"You're going to be a big sister though. Doesn't that make you happy?" Christian wondered.

"You are so fuckin screwed up dude." Alex stepped in. "Do you have any idea of all the s you've put Amy through? And you want her to pretend like you didn't fuck her over? You're really sick."

"As opposed to being a dyke and a whore?" He threw a few bills at me. "Looks like you need the money." Christian spat as I held my ground until he was gone. I just stood there for the longest time, staring at the empty space where he used to stand. Even kissing Alex didn't make it better. It didn't ease the pain of anything right now.

"Amy." Alex hugged me tightly, but _sisterly_ … not how I wanted her to. It was so utterly platonic that I hated it, but I wouldn't have it like that forever. I couldn't take rejection again, she would know it, and we would be together. I knew it."We have a lot to talk about girl … why didn't you tell me…" I tuned the rest of what was said out. I was so empty, so torn. I had Alex, maybe but Christian never. I couldn't stand it. I didn't know what I was going to do, but that bath tub didn't seem like a bad idea anymore. And he wouldn't be there to stop me this time.

**'I don't want to know if you don't want me no.'**

But Alex would.

**(A/N: I was on a roll until I had to stop and leave so I forgot what I was trying to do. Now that I've finished this it reminds me of a Degrassi episode that I've already seen … I'm just happy that I found a workable song. First it was "I'm the Only One" and then "I Don't Wanna Know (If You Don't Want Me)—With my future writings/stories I'm going to try to make it not about guy-girl relationships and I don't really know what Amy is … I just wanted to do another chapter with her in it! I changed this song from "Till I Get Over You" because I've already used it in another fic. The Degrassi show will be over soon ... :( The actors have to have lives too I guess. Review! –NL) **


	31. Strong Enough

Strong Enough

(Disclaimer: None of these lyrics in the fan fiction belongs to me but you should check out the songs after you've read them! –NL)

**WARNING: THIS CHAPTER IS EXTREMELY LONG, BUT WORTH IT**

"What does princess Ellie say about you being here?" I asked, helping Sean put the last finishing touches on our project. It was going to be perfect.

"Don't rag on her. I've put Ellie through hell." Sean admitted as I almost sighed.

"Not the pity party again. Both of you guys are guilty in this." I threw the project aside. "I can make you feel better." I promised, massaging Sean's shoulders roughly.

'**God, I feel like hell tonight'**

"Not tonight."

"Sean, you've been saying that a lot lately. What's going on?" I demanded removing my hands from his shoulders, resisting contact between our two bodies.

"Ellie and I are back together." Sean muttered.

"So. That doesn't change anything does it?" I stood up suddenly feeling anger build inside of me. I just wanted … I just wanted for him to be around. I loved when he was around, even when we just sat around and did nothing like this. Ellie was so insecure about herself that I knew if he decided on being exclusive, I would never see him again. "Answer me Sean." I pushed him roughly until he finally looked at me.

'**Tears of rage I cannot fight'**

"You know it will Blu." Sean hid his face in his hands. "D-D-Don't make this complicated right now."

"_Me _making it complicated? It's simple. You and I are friends. We do stuff together." I paused, grabbing his hand and squeezing it. "We have fun. That's what this is all about. When you're stressed out about something you can come to me. Nothing you can say can hurt my feelings." Except that you don't love me, I added silently.

"Blu, I can't--"

"Sean, I'm a big girl. I'm a _woman. _I can handle the truth, but I can't handle being lied to." I kissed him slowly. "So if you wanna go back to Ellie tonight and think about it, okay. But you're so not gonna stand me up on my birthday, okay?" I smiled, hugging him intimately in a completely non-sexual way.

**'I'd be the last to help you understand Are you strong enough to be my man?'**

"Okay. I'll be there." Sean promised, sealing it with a kiss. "Look, I have to--"

"Get going? Go ahead. I know how much she means to you." I forced myself to say. It was killing me knowing that Ellie was still in the way. Before, I started sleeping with Sean to get to her and now I was becoming a little … attached. I get attached really easily, but there was something about Sean that my ex-boyfriend and all the other guys in between were missing. I want what he has to offer. I want to matter to someone other than those who try to ruin my life.

**SCENE**

'**Nothing's true and nothing's right'**

"He's the only guy I'm willing to commit to." I professed to my brother, resting my head on his lap.

"Wow. Sean? Trailer park Sean?" Matt wondered as I hit him.

"Don't call him that. Sean is … amazing. I mean he's so perfect." Things sputtered from my mouth that I could not control. I started to smile.

"You had sex with him, didn't you?" Matt asked looking at me angrily.

"No. You know I'm a virgin." I joked as my brother rolled his eyes at me.

"You can't just sleep around like that Blu. You'll get a reputation." He explained.

"Too late. I'm already the most wanted and hated thing at Degrassi." I sighed. "It's really hard sometimes, but at least the guys stick around longer than dad."

"You know he's working his ass off so you can go to Harvard or Rice wherever." He continued.

"I'm not gonna be a lawyer. There's waaaayyyy too much dirt on me already." I grinned. "But I don't care. If feeling dirty is this good then bring it on!" I squealed as Matt pushed me off his lap.

**'****So let me be alone tonight'**

"I don't want you getting too attached to him. Isn't he still with Ellie Nash?"

"So why does he keep coming back to me?" I shot back.

"You _have _been sleeping with him." Matt concluded as I bit my lip, trying to hold back a smile.

"No, we made love. I think I might--"

"Don't even say it Baui."

"Oh, so you're mad at me now Matt? You never call me Baui. Don't be mad at me. You're like the only one I've got in my corner." I held onto my brother tightly. "And I love him. A lot." I exhaled. "Not like you're not in the same situation—Paige Michelchuk—why can you be happy and I can't?"

"I didn't say that, but Paige isn't involved with anyone else so it's different." Matt resolved. "Just be safe, Don't let this dude get to you. And don't let dad find out."

**SCENE**

'**Cause you can't change the way I am'**

"Like he'd even notice. The last time he was around for more than a week was before I got boobs." They both laughed, "I won't let Sean get to me. I won't tell him … that's the quickest way to lose a guy."

"Happy Birthday to you…" Sean began singing outside of my window as I ran down the stairs to greet him. Matt and I had already had our celebration, I even went out tonight but I was really just waiting for this moment when I would see Sean again.

**'Are you strong enough to be my man?'**

"What are you doing here? I thought you weren't coming." I ran and jumped onto Sean happily. "You didn't come to the club. I thought you were coming." I pouted.

"I'm sorry. I just--"

"You don't have to explain." I held onto him tightly. "You're mine now."

'**Lie to me. I promise I'll believe'**

"Hey Blu, can you…" Sean looked down as I noted the very sexual position we were in.

"Sorry. I know this is gonna be completely platonic." I lied. Like hell it was. I wasn't gonna let him off that easily. "So what did you get me for my birthday?"

Sean handed me a small box. "I-It's not much and I don't want you to… because you're so…"

"It's beautiful." I beamed at the charm bracelet he had bought for me. "I thought you were poor." I joked. As Sean looked away hurt.

"If you don't want it--"

"No. I totally love it." Sean helped me put it on. "Come on." I took his hand, leading us into the house. "So what do you want to eat? We have a chef on call like anytime we want it—you already know that." I babbled, nervous about tonight. I didn't know why. Sean and I hung out like this all the time. I guess I was expecting something from him this time or something.

"So, Blu there was something I wanted to tell you."

"Later. There's something I think you owe me." I pressed Sean against the wall, forcing our lips together longingly. "I've missed you."

"Yeah…" Sean started to talk again, but as we got more into what we were doing, he forgot what he was going to say. Nothing he could say would change how I felt anyway.

"Take me to my room." I demanded as Sean scooped me up carefully. For once in my life I felt like a queen. I mattered. And as Sean and I made love that night, I couldn't help myself. I had to say it. I was thinking it the whole time "I love you." I whispered upon our last kiss.

"What did you say?" Sean asked, looking a little freaked out. But there was no way I actually said that out loud. I had to just be thinking it or something.

"Ready for round two?" I smiled, pulling the sheets over us again. As a pretended to sleep that night, I could feel Sean moving around, struggling to get ready. He was in a hurry. "You can stay," I said quietly as Sean kept moving.

"I have to go home. Ellie will be waiting for me."

**'Lie to me.'**

"Damn it Sean. Why does she matter to you at all? That skinny little bitch is nothing but trouble. Just stay … I'll let you." I started motioning towards my bra. I hadn't taken it off. I'd never taken it off during sex. Ever.

"You're beautiful." Sean whispered under his breath giving me one last kiss. "I have to go." As he left, I knew this was the worst night of my life … maybe not now, but I could feel that things were changing between us. I wanted him more than ever, but Sean seemed freaked out, or something, by me. "I'll fix it tomorrow," I said to myself.

That still didn't stop my mini-tantrum and me completely destroying my room. Breathing heavily, I took some sheets down to the couch. Glass was everywhere in my room. Anything of value was ripped to shreds and I thought about burning this cheap charm bracelet Sean got me, but I didn't because I couldn't. At least now, I wasn't going to cry like some weak little punk. I wouldn't cry.

'**But please don't leave.'**

**SCENE**

"Do you think I'm a slut?" I asked Marco the next day at school, after hearing it yelled through the hallways like I did everyday. "Everyone keeps saying it and I'm wondering--"

"I don't talk to you anymore. You know it. What you're doing with Sean is wrong." Marco explained.

**'I have a face I cannot show.'**

"But Sean's doing it too. No one's grabbing his ass and calling him a floozy. In fact, people treat him _better _than before."

"You're not a slut." Marco replied as I breathed a sigh of relief. "You're a whore." He joked.

"Shut up. Seriously, I didn't … let me not lie. I _did _start sleeping with Sean because I hate Ellie but now it's like a drug or something. I can't stop. I think about it all the time, him inside of me, caressing me. Me--"

"Okay enough details. Gay guy, remember?" Marco interrupted as I laughed again. I loved Marco. "But why do you do it? Sean wasn't the first one I'm sure."

"Why am I a slut? Hmm … I don't know. I never really thought about it. I always just do what feels right. And doing Sean feels right." I joked again. "But on a serious note Marco, I just need someone to not hate me."

"I don't hate you … anymore."

"I know and I love you for it." I kissed his cheek. "But you don't get turned on by me. You won't be someone that I might marry or have kids with, And because of that, you can't be there for me wholly."

**'I make the rules up as I go.'**

"So you're lonely? Blu, that's not an excuse. Everyone feels like that." Marco wrapped his arm around my shoulder as I rested my head down on his shoulder. "What does your dad say?"

"My dad?" I scoffed. "He's not even around ever." I sighed. "I used to think it was because of something I did, but I was too young to have done anything. He's around like once a month. If I see him every week, it's been a good day you know?" I felt tears threaten to fall. "Damn it!" I smiled. "I haven't cried since … since …"

"You can tell me." Marco clutched my hand as I laughed again.

"Okay. The last time I cried … was when I was twelve. My dad used to be around a lot and that was the first night he wasn't there. I really needed him." I forced myself to smile again so I wouldn't cry. "I stayed up for him and he didn't come until late that night … or so I thought. I was so happy to see him, that I hugged him when he came up to my room. But it wasn't him. I realized that when he started feeling my breasts and ripping off my clothes and and … I screamed for my dad. As this monster forced himself into me, I screamed for my dad the whole time. I didn't understand what was happening to me. I laid there for days waiting for my dad to show up. I cried for him, but he never came. Matt took care of me." I bit my lip.

"I almost feel like it was my fault in a way… and when I finally saw my daddy he didn't do anything. He didn't apologize for having one of his drunken collages over—they're real assholes you know. And he stopped looking at me the same way. I felt so dirty and confused but no one was there. He couldn't save me anymore. The only one who could protect me was my loser older brother and he was going off to college."

'**It's try and love me if you can.' **

"Wow, Blu. I know what you're going through. When I was younger I … never mind. I just hope--" Marco began, holding me closer.

"Don't give me the pity speech, I'm over it." I stood up suddenly placing another smile on my face. "It's cool. We're both okay, you chasing your gay fantasy boy and me having sex with every boy in my path until the right one pops up. Who needs a deadbeat dad when you have a hott boy on your side anyway?"

"So what are you gonna do if Sean rejects you?" Marco asked, turning the attention away from him. I knew that he was hurting too, that he had gone through the same thing I did, but as selfish as it was, I just couldn't handle anyone else's issues. I didn't want some cry fest.

"The same thing you're doing now that Dylan's not permanently attached to you. I'll live." I shrugged knowing that it was all a lie. I'm not one of those girls that will kill herself if some guy doesn't want her, but Sean wanted me. I could tell.

"Speaking of the devil." I muttered to myself, walking towards Sean.

"Hey slut, coming over to my house tonight?" Some random guys asked as I flicked him off. As I made my way to Sean, another guy grabbed my ass. Just in front of Sean, another grabbed my boobs.

"Lay off her!" Sean punched the guy without hesitation, as I wrapped my arm around his waist.

"Thanks Superman." I joked as Sean looked away from me. "What's up with you? Missed me? I missed you." Kissing him passionately, Sean pulled away.

"We need to talk."

"Okay." I smiled. That was usually code for us to find an empty room and do our thing.

"I'm serious." Sean left the door half open.

"My place tonight then?" I asked, laying my books on the floor and lacing my arms around his body so we were facing one another. "You're beautiful." I grinned, kissing him again. It went on for a while, until Sean pulled away again. "Okay, what the hell is up?"

"Our thing is off." Sean began to walk away.

"What?" I rushed after him, my anger rising. "You're going to be faithful to Ellie now? Bull shit. You're bull shitting me."

"I can't be exclusive with you Blu." Sean admitted.

"I never asked you to."

"But you whispered 'I love you' when we made love." Sean narrowed his eyes at me.

"So what? I didn't mean it."

"But you thinking it means that maybe you did." Sean explained.

"I'm not chasing after you. Just go ahead and run away. Go. Jackass!" I screamed back at him, skipping class for the rest of class that day. I had to go home.

'**Are strong enough to be my man?'**

**SCENE**

**'When I've shown you that I just don't care.'**

"So you're working on being the next asshole in training?" I looked down at the new intern that was following my dad around like a shadow. He had been there a few times, but it wasn't until Sean stopped returning my phone calls that I actually noticed him.

"What's it to you?"

"I can help you out. In a couple of weeks if you're in the same position, then let me know." I joked. Will and I, that's the guy's name, did this little bantering thing for a few weeks until the goober finally made his move.

"You did not just kiss me."

"Why, was that bad?" He wondered as I grinned. I loved having the power.

"No. It's just that you're pushing thirty and I haven't even crossed the twenty mark yet… but I _am _eighteen." I laughed. "But you're totally not my type."

"What's your type?"

"All things Sean … dirty, bad, hard you know?"

"Sounds like you just described a porno." Will shot back.

"Loser." I hit him playfully. "My dad won't be here for a while, if he ever shows up. Let's make our own porno." I joked as Will pounced at the chance, kissing me as we did it right there, in the living room. And when it came to taking off everything, I didn't have any qualms about it. Will was a nice guy—the opposite of Sean, thus better than him.

"Don't think this means anything." Will explained as he struggled to get his tie back on.

I scrunched up my nose. Now he thought he had an advantage over me. "Don't forget whose daddy controls everything." I rushed to help him with the tie. "And I don't think he's coming by the way. I lied about that … oops." I rushed up the stairs to take a shower.

Later that night

"Wow dad, you're actually home." I noted, turning down the TV. "How are you?"

"Good." He walked in with some extra luggage.

"Business trip?" I asked.

**'When I'm throwing punches in the air.'**

"Cousin staying over and she gets your room."

"Marilyn? You've got to be kidding. Dad, I hate her!"

"You should be in bed. It's a school night." Turning off the TV, I relinquished my power and gave my dad a huge hug, "Night."

I knew that Marilyn sleeping in my room meant that I would have my old bedroom … the one I had when I was in middle school. As I lay in that bed, all I could think about was that night. The images were move vivid than ever, even after I had rearranged the room a million times. Keeping my eyes closed, I tried to think about something good, good things, but all I could feel was that dark shadow creeping onto me. It was so real. I wished that I could call Sean over right now.

**'When I'm broken down and I can't stand. Will you be strong enough to be my man?'**

I could feel him climb on top of me. Unable to resist it anymore, I opened my eyes and there he was. I tried to scream, but his hand was over my mouth. Even with six years to my life and more fight than you can ever imagine, history still repeated itself. Except this time, I wasn't going to let him go without knowing who it was. As he forced one last kiss on me and started to talk away, I jumped for the light and he stopped in his tracks. "Dad?" I could barely breath and was hyperventilating.

'**Lie to me'**

"You were screaming. I came to see what was the matter." He lied.

"It was you?" I cried tears flowing everywhere. Rushing towards the door, my father tried to gain his composure and act like he hadn't just … I just wanted to give in right now and let him go, but I couldn't. I had to know if it was him those six years ago.

"Will you just listen to me? I know what you did, dad. I remember it everyday—" I tried to explain, already crying.

"Baui Loreli, I don't know what you're talking about … that was a long time ago." My dad tried to explain. I hated that he called me Baui … him and Matt were the only ones. Everyone else called me Blu.

"Don't avoid the situation. I'm the one who you owe an apology. I don't even know if I can forgive you." I crumpled to the ground as dad reached for his briefcase.

"Where are you going?"

"I have work." He answered simply as though it justified and cleared what they were just talking back.

"No. You can't!" I yelled, getting between him and the door. Instantly, my feelings of helplessness returned even stronger than before.

"Come on Baui Be rational." He argued.

**'I promise I'll believe.' **

"Rational? How rational was it to force yourself on twelve year old girl? How can you justify that?" I cried, more emotional and out of control than I ever imagined myself to be. I'd been thinking about this moment, this confrontation with my attacker, but I never thought I would be face to face with my own father.

"I don't know who placed those ideas into your head honey, but I never … meant to hurt you." He looked down defeated. "It never happened."

"It did just now! Say it. Just admit it!" I screamed as he peeled me from the door, pushing me out of the way. I just wanted him to admit what he had done to me. I wanted solace for what happened. I didn't want everything that would happen in my life to be about what he had done to me.

"No, no no no no!" I yelled, grabbing one of his golf clubs and hitting him, just hard enough to make him fall to the ground.

"Baui… What are you doing?" He looked up at me, fearful.

"Say it! Say you raped me." I demanded.

"No. I won't--" Before he could continue lying to me, I hit him again. And again. And again. I just kept hitting him with the club, screaming at him and making him feel the pain that I'd been feeling my entire life. He deserved it.

**'Lie to me.'**

"Blu. Dad!" Matt burst into the house, dropping his keys to the ground.

"What have you done!" He yelled, pulling me away and kneeling down next to dad. Blood was everywhere. "You've killed him."

"Good." I shrugged, dropping the club and erupting into a fit of tears again. They were tears of relief. It was finally over.

**'But please don't leave.' **

(A/N: My writing just keeps getting longer and longer, I apologize for that. I have to make things flow … I hope you weren't bored with it. I was trying to go along with the song to, which makes it even more difficult. Anyway, make sure and review. I have a few more coming up and will be updating on Tuesdays from now on. Next you'll hear from Fareeza and then Marco/Paige. They'll be good so stay tuned! –NL)


	32. Obvious

Obvious

(A/N: This is a Christina A song if you didn't know. I know some of this isn't really realistic, but I haven't written enough about Paige and Marco, so here it is. Jay is next followed by Craig and then Hazel. I know people are reading because I have over 5,000 hits for this one but PLEASE REVIEW! I love to hear feedback and thanks so much to **BlackRoseOnFire **for commenting every time! –NL)

Marco

"Mom, dad I have news for you." I forced myself to look happy even though I was about to tell the biggest lie of my life. "This is my girlfriend." I held out a picture of one of my best friends, Paige Michelchuk.

**'Can you hear it in my voice.' **

"Paige?" Mom asked suspiciously as dad beamed.

"Marco I knew that gay thing was just a phase." He added.

"Yeah." I forced a chuckle that sounded more like choking than anything else. As long as I avoided eye contact, it would be all right. My mom could see right through any b.s. I made up since I was a kid, so I was really nervous about what she'd say.

**'Was it something I let slip?'**

I just couldn't take my dad not looking at me the same if he noticed my presence at all. We never did anything anymore and my mom was always in the middle. Since I didn't have Dylan or any other guy in my life, it would be easier just to have a girlfriend. I know the faking thing with Ellie was a bust, but Paige was always around and she was having issues with Matt. It made sense. I wasn't confused like I was with Ellie and I was seeing things clearly now. I could make this work. I _could _fall in love with a girl.

"I want her to come over. Invite her for dinner." Dad patted me on the back roughly, handing me the phone.

"Marco…" Mom pleaded as I dialed a number … Blu's number. She never answered her phone and I knew I'd get the machine.

**'Does the whole world know?' **

"She's not there." I lied as mom looked at me sternly. Evidently, I sucked at lying. "I could try talking to her at school, but no guarantees dad." He nodded as my mom kept staring me down. I couldn't take it. I knew that she knew that I knew I wasn't dating Paige. "Gotta go." I whipped out of the house. I would have to stop feeling so guilty about this. It was for them anyway.

**'Isn't it obvious?'**

Paige

"What the hell is this supposed to mean?" In my mind I replayed the message that Dean left on my machine. Leaving Degrassi that day it was all I could think about. I had to find Dean and had to get him to leave me alone. "What does it mean?" I repeated.

"You tell me princess." Dean pulled out a cigarette walking to yet _another _upgraded version of the car I'd crashed nearly 5 years ago. He hopped in and pulled beside me.

"I want you out of my life."

**'I'm the one who's in control.' **

"Didn't you hear my message? I'm doing this all for you." Dean smiled as a pile of smoke flew from his mouth and into my air space. I coughed as his smirk deepened. He continued following alongside me in his car. "But wouldn't it be a shame if you were raped by you're little Matt?"

My expression turned from disgust into dread. I could feel the blood draining from my face. Knowing what a liar Dean was, I started to walk away. I had to before I actually started to believe him.

"Why am I the enemy?" He asked suddenly. "I'm trying to help." Dean put on the best look of sincerity that I'd ever seen on him … it looked so real and fitting. "So what are you gonna do?"

"What exactly … did you see?" I wondered as I stopped walked away.

Dean shrugged nonchalantly. The usual. "Matt forcing himself on you, you yelling no—much like that nasty little story you told about me once."

"Dean you know that was true!" I yelled, trying to steady my voice. "Tell me you're lying." I whispered, in disbelief.

"Get in the car." Dean motioned, even opening the door for me.

"No!"

"Paige, just listen okay … I'm sorry about what happened. I-I was really drunk that night, but you really need someone to talk to about this. I can help you." Still thinking that Matt was the enemy, I hopped in the car next to Dean, reluctantly. To my surprise, he didn't even touch me or look at me sexually. "So what are you gonna do?" He stopped the car as I turned to face him.

**'Now I'm acting like a fool.' **

"I don't—" My voice cut off as I got trapped in what attracted me to Dean in the first place. Collapsing in his arms, Dean held me tightly as tears streamed from my face.

"Are you gonna be okay?" He held onto my shoulders, holding me a short distance from his face. When I didn't say anything, he moved his hand towards my face as I jumped from his grasp. "Paige. Paige!"

"No. I don't need anything from you okay? Just leave me alone." I slammed the door after me as my phone alarm went off. I was late.

**SCENE**

"Haze, I'm so glad to see you." I hugged my friend tightly, well as tightly as I could seeing that her stomach was officially protruding.

"Yeah since it's been forever. You got so caught up in Matt and—"

"Don't even mention that name to me." I shivered thinking about what Dean said. What if he was right.

"Since you so totally need someone to talk to … what's up? What did Matt do?"

"Haze, I think he may have raped me."

"Paige, you said it yourself. Those were just rumors. You and Matt _consented_." Hazel reasoned. "He wouldn't do that to you."

**'Do my feelings show is my face aglow?'**

"I don't know Haze. I just keep finding myself in these situations and … rumors always start with a bit of truth, right?"

"Yeah, but the truth stops at you guys having sex. Who have you been talking to?" Hazel asked, concerned.

"You'll never believe it, but Dean. Ireallyhavetogo." I shouted running all of the words together and bouncing out of there before my pregnant b.f.f. could chase after me. I would know if I consented. I would know because … I wouldn't be feeling so wrong about it.

'**oh isn't it obvious?'**

**SCENE**

"I can't return his calls." I whispered to Marco as we walked down the hallway together. "It's like he's everywhere and I wasn't even going to come to school today."

**'Do you see my hands? They tremble.' **

"Don't be silly Paige. He didn't do anything. I was at the party with you." Marco explained.

"But you weren't there in the room, were you? There's a very big possibility—never mind."

"So you're not coming to yoga then?" Marco wondered.

"Hell no, so that perv can get another look at my ass? No way." I started to turn in the opposite direction.

"Well at least come to dinner." Marco offered.

"Marco I told you my life is complicated enough. I don't have time to pretend to be dating you. Just tell your parents the truth. You don't like girls anymore than I do." I admitted as he pulled back looking deflated. "Fine." I sighed. "If you're going to keep this lie up at least find someone who is more royally screwed than I am right now."

"Paige!" Matt yelled after me as soon as Marco and I departed.

"Don't talk to me Mr. Oleander." I briskly walked in the other direction.

'**Wonder why I can't look you in the eyes.'**

"Are you cutting my class?" He wondered, surprised. "What's going on Paige? You won't return any of my phone calls. You're not even _looking _at me. Is there someone else?" He whispered so as not to draw more attention to us. "I love you Paige." Matt kissed me softly.

"I found out what a monster you really are." I narrowed my voice, distancing myself from him while pushing him away. "If you did what I think you did … you're gonna pay for it."

"What did I do? Let me make up for it." Matt pleaded, kissing me again even after I pushed him away and said no.

"He was right!" Tears welled up in my eyes as I ran, something I'd been doing a lot of lately.

**'Don't know how long I can keep this inside? **

**Marco**

"Hey Blu, can I ask you a favor?" I whispered to my friend as we both moved into Cobra position for our yoga class. Mr. Oleander had left early and Heather Sinclair was leading today.

"As long as it has nothing to do with you trying to get me to be friends with Ellie."

"Like that will ever happen?" We laughed. "Seriously, I want go out with you."

"Okay. I guess we've moved up to being public friends." Blu joked.

"No. I mean on a date."

"But you're gay." She whispered.

"Not anymore … I mean my parents don't think so and I can't disappoint my dad and I …"

"I'm warning you, with me as your 'girlfriend' you'll definitely want to go back to boys."

"So you'll do it?" I asked in surprise as Blu rolled her eyes.

"Sure, Why not?" Blu kissed me suddenly putting a smile on my face. She never ceased to amaze me—she would never be a Dylan but Blu would surely be a best friend.

**'Isn't it obvious'**

Paige

"Dean! Dean!" I shouted, throwing pebbles at his dorm window. I didn't know if he had class or not, but I needed to talk to him.

"What the hell are you doing?" I felt a hand knock the remaining rocks from my grasp.

"Dean." I hugged him suddenly. "I need you to help me."

**'That I don't know what I'm doing anymore?'**

"Okay. Now?"

"Yeah now. I want you to testify for me." I admitted as we made our way to his floor lounge. He didn't think it'd be right to go to his bedroom and I was relieved.

"I told you I'd help you in any way you can. Are you okay?" He reached for my face, but this time I let him touch me. "You've been trying." He wiped away my tears.

"I just never thought …" My voice trailed off as Dean left and came back with some cold water and aspirin for me. I couldn't believe that this was the guy that I said had raped me. He _did _rape me, I reminded myself. But why was he being so nice to me? Why had he told me about Matt.

"Do you have the clothes from that night?" He wondered.

**'I'm feeling like a little girl.'**

"That's just gonna prove that we had sex. My mom would freak out if—"

"They'll find him guilty. I guarantee it." Dean reassured me as I kissed him slowly nibbling on his lip before.

**'Caught up in emotions I'm out of control.'**

"I-I don't know what that was. I have to go." I ran from Dean's dorm building. I was completely losing it. I had just kissed _him._ God, I was losing it.

**'Isn't it obvious?'**

Marco

Looking at pictures of Dylan had easily become a new hobby for me. I loved staring at his half-naked body our fully naked bodies on those wild Mardi Gras nights. I missed even just talking with him.

**'Oh suddenly these emotions.' **

"You're over him, huh?"

"Totally." I answered unenthusiastically.

"You and me both have it bad … just not for each other. But we're dating" Blu patted my hand sympathetically. "So does this mean we have to have sex now?" She joked as she laid beside me in my bed.

"I don't know … that would be—"

"Convincing." She finished for me. "And a distraction. Without Sean I'm bored. Even doing that intern doesn't work for me. Do you think something's wrong with me?" Blu wondered.

"You're no more weird than I am." I hugged her tightly. "I really appreciate you doing this for me."

"I know I'm awesome, but … if you had the chance … would you kill those bastards that molested you?" Blu asked her eyes shining. I could feel her whole demeanor change.

"I wouldn't kill them but—Blu, what did you do?"

"They're putting me in this program. Matt talked them out of the detention center since my record's clean. But it felt so good putting that golf club to his body over and over and over and over and—"

**'Are in control of my heart.'**

"Blu, you found out who it was?" I wondered, surprised.

"Yeah. He was right under my nose the whole time. My own dad." She forced herself to laugh but I could see the sadness seeping from her.

"Oh God, I'm so sorry." I held her again, kissing her forehead. "Is he dead?"

"In the hospital. I hope he dies. I really do." Blu whispered, detached. "Kiss me Marco."

**'Can you see it in my eyes?'**

"What?"

"You're my new distraction." I obliged her, feeling a weird and almost empty connection—it would have been empty if I didn't care for her but there was nothing there.

**'Every glance, every smile must give me away. But I feel so much I can't hide.' **

"Nothing." She whispered but continued kissing me, removing my shirt as I worked on hers. So, this is what straight guys did. This is what they felt—sort of.

"Marco, I—Oh." My dad stopped as he looked on at Blu and me kissing, in my bed.

"Dad, I'm so…"

"No, don't." He grinned. "Just keep it downstairs." As he left Blu pried herself from me.

"You think he would've offered us a condom if more clothes were off?" She kidded. Blu was vulgar, but that's what I loved about her. I didn't know how long I'd be able to pretend and I knew she was hurting right now and she had mega-men issues. I hoped she didn't get attached to me in the wrong way.

Paige

It'd been a few minutes since I just said my statement. I just told everyone, the jury my mom even Matt that he had raped me. Matt Oleander was a sexual molester. Only, because of my track record, no one believed me. But I got some solace in knowing that Matt would be prosecuted anyway … for statutory rape. He met me when I was 17. We started sleeping together when I was seventeen. Beating the crowd, I ran outside the court steps still a little upset that Dean hadn't shown up. He hadn't testified like he said he would.

'**Oh and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I'm feeling like a little girl.'**

"Where have you been? We were counting on you." I looked in the direction of the courthouse as Dean shrugged lighting up a cigarette.

"It would've looked worse if I was there. They would never believe … anyway, did you get him?" His eyes lit up suddenly.

"Yeah but for statutory rape. They're giving him a few years in prison too." I beamed feeling relieved about the whole thing. My life would finally be back on track. "I owe it all to you. I wouldn't have known if you weren't there …" Our lips brushed as I added, "I can't ever repay you for what you've done."

**'Caught up in emotions I'm outta control. Yeah.' **

Dean hugged me, bringing his lips to my ear. "He never raped you."

**'Isn't it obvious?' **

"What?" I pushed him away as adrenaline rushed through my body.

"You consented, he consented." Dean smiled that same evil same I remembered that night of the party. "You just persecuted the guy you love. Now we're even."

**'Oh, oh oh oh.' **

(A/N: I know what you're thinking … stupid, right? But I like the twist. It's something I've never written before so stay tuned and REVIEW! –NL)


	33. Deep Water

Deep Water

'**When you find yourself falling down'**

"We have a new addition to our group. Please welcome Baui Oleander." My body froze as I looked in horror to see the one girl I hated more than anyone else in the world. I thought things were bad when Craig joined group then left again, but sharing my most person thoughts with my greatest enemy was too much. I almost wanted to walk out right then and there.

"Everyone calls me Blu." She piped up, condescendingly looking at me before sitting down.

"Okay Ba-Blu, would you like to share with us today?" Michelle, our group leader, wondered. She was always trying to get everyone to spill their guts and after nearly a year of this, I still didn't know anything about her.

"No."

"Are you sure?" She pressed.

"I'm _fine_." Blu emphasized, crossing her arms in annoyance.

"That's fine dear. You can just observe and maybe next time, you'll feel more comfortable." Michelle suggested. "Now, from where we were last time: what is your greatest fear and why? Ellie, would you share first?"

I stood up timidly, playing with the oversized sleeve on my shirt. Just thinking about it was making me lose it. "My gr-greatest fear is that … I'm not good enough. I-I think nothing I ever do it good enough and it just gets to be so much and--"

'**Your hopes in the sky but your heart like grape gum and on the ground'**

"Slow down Ellie. Who are you not good enough for?" Michelle intervened, preventing me from feeling even more like a fool than I already was feeling.

"For … my parents and for anything I try … t-that's why I used to cut. It used to make me forget that my dad left and that he might not come back. For once, something I did mattered."

'**And you try to find yourself.'**

"And have you made progress towards overcoming your fear?" Michelle asked.

"I've stopped cutting, for good. I've been totally honest with my mom even though I'm not living with her. I think moving out was a big step for me. I'm living with my boyfriend now…"

"How does he fit into the equation? Do you think you're good enough for him?" Michelle probed more.

"She's not." Blu stepped in as I looked at her with pure hatred.

'**With the cruelty of everyone else.'**

"What would you know about it?" I shot back trying to stay focused. "I don't … I'm done." I decided. I couldn't open myself up anymore for Blu to take some attacks. I couldn't let her know that I wasn't sure of whether I was good enough for Sean anymore. I didn't know how perfectly we "fit" together anymore since Blu came into the picture. We were still together, but it was so strained. For these two hours with the Group, I didn't want to think about how our relationship was falling to pieces. I saw it every time I went home.

**Scene**

"You volunteer here too?" I asked a few days later as Blu shrugged. I never pictured her to be one for community service … especially a place that housed battered women and children.

"I'm the one who should hate you here. Sean spends more time with you than me now." I admitted.

"Guess you don't know … never mind. I don't give a damn about you and Sean." Blu sat down as I looked around amazed. I couldn't believe she was sitting down. We were supposed to be working a playground for these kids and finalizing this new mentor program Michelle had come up with.

'**And you wake up to realize your standard of living somehow got stuck on survive.' **

"Then why are you always around him?" I looked at Blu in disgust.

"Why aren't _you _trying to help out?" Blu asked, finally getting up and trying to fit together the pieces together.

"I just want some answers if I have to look at you everyday."

"I never said you couldn't ask, but you might not get the answers you're looking for. I only tell the truth." Blu responded, actually looking at me like a was a human being rather than her archenemy. I wasn't believing that 'I only tell the truth b.s.' but I really didn't want to start round two right now. I could tell that we would have plenty of chances to cuss each other out.

"Why Sean?" I asked with a sigh. If she was on this 'telling truth' kick, I wanted to see how much I could get out of her.

"What?"

"Why not Jimmy or Spinner or … _anyone _else … you know guys that _don't _have girlfriends." I recommended.

"I did it to get back at you, initially. I really didn't care anything about Sean except that he was with you, but now … it's different. It's really complicated now and no matter what happens with this triangle thing, I'll always be apart of his life." Blu threatened as I rolled my eyes.

"See this … this is why we don't get along. Admit you're wrong and leave Sean alone!" I demanded angrily.

"I suppose you're going to tell me that Marco's too good to be my friend so I should just leave him alone too?" Blu shot back sarcastically as I nodded. She was right. After what Blu did, she deserved to be alone. "I'm not letting either one of them go. They are the only ones from Degrassi that ever gave me a chance … and you have nothing to worry about."

"How can I--"

'**When you realize your only friend has never been yourself or anyone who cared in the end'**

"If you didn't matter to Sean, he would've dropped you by now … he was supposed to, but lust can never break love. It just hurts it." Blu walked away as I was left dumb-founded. I was sure that a screaming-match was near and here Blu was telling me that Sean loved me too much to ever leave me. But why hadn't I heard it from him?

**Scene**

On this new community service kick, I began to get involved in every possible club—Habitat for Humanity, Big Brothers Big Sisters, and event Student Government Association … all just to keep my mind off of what Blu said and what I actually saw. Sean was making the effort, but I wasn't giving him another chance, but should I when he kept Blu around? Every day at school they were hanging out and I didn't get it. Why wasn't he hanging out with me? Why was every guy in this school so enticed by someone who was so easy?

"She's totally not the monster I thought." I proclaimed out-loud when I watched Marco approach me from the other side of the hallway. He looked at me confused. "Blu, I mean." I clarified.

'**That's when everything fades or falls away.'**

"Told you. Blu makes a big growl, but is really like a mouse … or something like that." Marco smiled. "She's a real sweetheart, when she wants to be. And Blu's the only girl I know that would pretend to be a gay guy's girlfriend knowingly." He smiled.

"While continuously chasing after my boyfriend." I added.

"Maybe you should talk to Sean about that? It's not always the girl's fault … and you don't even know if anything happened after that phone incident." Marco explained.

"Do NOT even remind me about that. It disgusts me to think that he did that with her … it's like I traded one bad situation for an equally bad one … I wonder if this would've happened if I just stayed with my mom."

"What do you mean?" Marco wondered as we passed Sean and Blu. He caught my eye briefly before looking away and giving Blu a one-armed hug. Ugh.

"Maybe being with someone you're really into all the time, living with them is a really, really bad idea?" I explained. "And with Blu here, I just can't _compete _with her. She's gorgeous Marco, like model gorgeous with perfect brown skin and a ginormous butt … which I used to think was a bad thing, but now--"

'**Chains which once held us are only the chains which we've made'**

"Ellie, chill. You're not losing any of us. Don't worry about Blu. When she meets new people, she'll branch off. Remember she's new here." Marco gave me a reassuring hug. That's why I loved him. He always knew how to alleviate everyone else's problems. "So, I'll catch you at the SGA meeting? Don't forget." I nodded dumbly realizing how much I depended on Marco. I seriously needed to get some new friends, _after _having a talk with Sean when we got home.

**Scene: (the next week's session of Group)**

"I thought you weren't coming." Michelle commented as Blu stumbled into the room, a half hour late.

"Sorry, I got wrapped up in … stuff."

'**When you're standing in deep water'**

"That's fine, as long as you're ready to share today." Michelle smiled. "What is your greatest fear."

"Wow, just spring it on me." Blu smiled, then sighed realizing the seriousness of the situation. "I fear … that he'll come back. I'm _not _afraid of him dying. I secretly want that. I wish he would … I just don't want to ever have to see him again. And if he comes back, I'm defenseless. I have no one to protect me anymore." Her glance went over to me, burning like hot coals, as Blu sat down.

"Do you care to elaborate on the people you are talking about?" Michelle wondered even though she no doubt already knew.

'**Bailing yourself out with a straw'**

"No. But if he isn't dead, I can always try next time." Blu joked as Michelle requested to see her after we would break to finally meet our mentees, I had signed up to help two girls.

**Scene (later that day)**

As I met up with my first little girl, well she was 13, I realized that I hadn't met the other one yet. Walking up to Michelle, I noticed that other than me, Blu was the only one _not _doing anything. "What's with Blu? I thought she was helping us. This is a mentor program, right?" I spat out, a little more harshly than I wanted to.

"Ellie, honey, Baui is in no condition to be mentoring anymore."

"What, you mean she …" My voice trailed off as Michelle nodded. "But why … what about group…"

"In special cases, I allow certain candidates to be a more solid part of the group. Even her background, Baui definitely needs this." Michelle explained.

"Okay … so what unlucky person gets to be her mentor?" I wondered as Michelle grinned at me. No way. "But we're the same age … she might even be older than me. Mentors are supposed to be older." I grasped at the empty air, trying to find any excuse to spend less time with Blu Oleander.

"I think it would help both of you out. You have a history, I know, but this organization is about bringing peace. You've done so well over this year Ellie." Michelle encouraged me as I sighed, walking over to Blu who was now sitting under a tree.

'**And when you're drowning in deep water'**

"Why are you trying to ruin my life Ellie?" She accused as I my calm demeanor changed. Sean must've listened to what I said last night.

"Aren't we a little schizo this afternoon." I joked.

"Not funny."

"Seriously, what is this? Nothing's wrong with you. You're just making it--"

"Shut up! Shut the hell up." Blu demanded, looking at me with fire in her eyes. "You think you're little cutting problem is the biggest thing on the earth? What kind of idiot would hurt herself? Stupid little girls like you annoy me. You have two parents, your _real _parents, no one to abuse you, friends, a boyfriend … but you still find shit to bitch about."

'**And you wake up making love to a wall.'**

"Blu I--"

"You know why Sean's around me because all you do is mope about your life when there's really nothing wrong … He gets it and doesn't assume the worst with me."

'**Well, it's these little times that help to remind.' **

After that, Blu and I just sat, not saying anything. As much as I hated to admit this, she was right. And ever since that day, even after apologizing to Blu, there was still this big wall between us—not like I expected us to be friends with our history, but I was hoping for some solace in this situation. I had only made it worse and I still had to look at Blu everyday, actually _multiple _times during the day and watch her with Sean … then I began to realize that maybe this whole thing wasn't a bust.

'**It's nothing'**

Blu and I would never "get over it" but I didn't have to push Sean completely away. Maybe we could somehow be what we used to be. I was tired of feeling alone and I was beginning to feel like I used to when I cut, when I cutted. It's been almost an entire school year. The scars are still there but … if I can make things right in my life, then I won't have to cut. I won't ever have to cut again.

'**Without love. It's nothing without love.' **

(A/N: I wanted to use "Hands" for this one, but it ended up being another one about love … sorry. Since I don't like how it turned out, you get TWO chapters today! Enjoy and review –NL)

For an extra chapter: VOTE FOR WHO YOU WANT TO SEE and/or WHAT SONG YOU WANT USED! Your choices:

1) Paige

2) Terri

3) Liberty

4) Spinner

5) Ashley

6) Darcy

Stories with Jimmy, Fareeza, Hazel, Manny, Craig, Ellie, Sean, Alex, Amy, and JT to come!


	34. White Flag

White Flag

(A/N: .. means that the flashback has ended, there are two in here and I hope it's not too confusing… Review! –NL)

'**I know you think that'**

Staring down at my meds, I knew it didn't make much sense to take them… I began to remember the last time I told Alex how I really felt about her …

"I'm leaving." Alex sighed, looking at me. I know I looked pathetic to her, and sick, and I was everything she didn't want.

"No. Wait. Did you get my gift?" I wondered, finding the strength to walk over to her.

"Yeah, this shit?" Alex smirked, throwing it down and stepping on it

"I said I was sorry." I explained as Alex kept walking.

"I know you _are _sorry. That doesn't change anything. Neither does this cheap necklace. Forever?" She shook her head in disgust.

"Please. Lexi, baby. I lov--"

'**I shouldn't still love you or tell you that.'**

"Are you for real?"

"Yeah." I nodded, looking away ashamed. No one had ever gotten to me like this. Emma meant nothing in comparison.

"And you just thought I would jump for joy? After all the shit you put me through!"

"I know but--"

"No amount of shit you've stolen for me is enough." Alex explained.

"Just let me finish Lexi."

"Don't say you love me." She demanded. I could feel that wall between us growing.

"But you know I do. Everyday I feel it and think about it, whenever I'm with Emma--"

'**I still would have felt it.'**

"You _felt _it, before you slept around." Alex shook her head in utter disgust. "You deserve this disease… you really do being the scum you are."

"Lexi, please…" I begged, trying to kiss her, but she pushed me away. I guess it was a lot harder than she intended because I fell to the ground and she reached out to help me up.

'**Where's the sense in that?'..**

Looking down at the pills, I finally decide to take them again. Lexi wasn't coming back, not this way. Thought of agony ran through my mind as I really thought about it. There had to be a way to get her back. There had to be.

"Jay. Hey." Emma waltzed into the room, hugging me tightly. Now, I had to put my plans on hold, but I was going to get Alex back … before I died.

'**I know I left'**

By now, a month after that 'I love you incident,' I knew I had to put Alex back where she used to be and bring her pain. Maybe she'd see how real our agonies were and how we could rule Degrassi again, together. So I confessed everything to Ms. H. Spinner confirmed it, after much persuasion and Alex was in the hot seat like we were. I waited outside Ms. H's office, ready to watch her crumble.

I smirked at Alex as she walked out of the office, right on cue.

"You! Fuck. It was you?" Alex ran over to me with tears in her eyes and kicked me in the groin. "I hate you."

"A-Alex." I struggled to stand up. She waited until I did before punching me in the face. I grinned. She still had that fire. "No we're even."

'**Too much Mess and destruction to come back again.'**

"Even? Do you have any idea what just happened?" She looked at me accusingly with tears in her eyes."

"You'll get the same punishment me and Spin got. You did help after all. Rick, remember him? It couldn't have happened if you didn't help us out vice-p. Thanks." I forced a grin, even though I hated seeing her so upset. It would pass and she would take me back.

'**And I caused nothing but trouble.'**

"Asshole. This is my senior year. I can't get kicked out. I have…"

I shrugged as Alex walked away, depressed. This was the wrong way to get what I wanted. I never knew how to manipulate her like I did with everyone else. She knew me too well. Oh well, it would take a little longer, but Alex would come back. This was for _not _taking me back and believing me when I said I loved her … whether or not I meant it at the time, I need her now.

'**I understand if you can't talk to me again.' ..**

"What do you want to do tonight?" Emma smiled at me with an almost sad look in her eyes and I could relate. She was going through her own self-image issues and I was totally taking advantage of that by being with her. It was my fault that she had this so-called "social disease." Her won best friends had ditched her, and a month ratting on Alex, I knew Emma was the only one I could depend on.

'**And when we meet.'**

"Whatever. We can do whatever." I shrugged, suppressing a sigh. The old Jay would relish in this open opportunity, but it didn't mean anything unless Alex was in my life.

"You're grumpy tonight." Emma commented, taking my hand in hers and kissing it. I hated how sweet and oblivious she was to the fact that I was dying. Could it be anymore obvious that I was sick and broken? "Let's go out to dinner , a nice fa--"

"I'm really tired." I complained, not thinking about how much danger I was putting Emma in. She didn't even know about my situation, but I didn't care. I don't even care.

"Come on Mr. Grouch." Emma kissed me softly as we prepared to do what was routine for us—having sex. It didn't hold half the pleasure it did when I was with Alex, but it was something to do. Somehow, after luring me in, Emma talked me into eating out with her, but she wouldn't tell me where the place was.

'**I'm sure we will.' **

"This is fancy?" I laughed, looking at the Red Lobster before me.

"All the other places were booked. We can just pretend." Emma suggested with a smile.

"Sure." I shook my head, grinning back. Lexi loved Red Lobster. As we took our seats, I heard familiar voices somewhere near me.

"Yeah, thanks for bringing me here Aims." I turned around to see Alex and Amy sitting directly behind us. She caught my eye briefly looking away, like she hadn't even seen me. I pretended to listen to Emma's conversation, masking my anger as a clean-cut guy joined them—some teacher guy from Degrassi.

As Emma went off to the bathroom, I temporarily took her seat to see if I could get a better look. There he was, hugging Alex, MY Alex. And she looked happy about it.

As Alex left the table, I followed her.

"Stop stalking me Hogart." Alex turned around as if she could _feel _my presence.

"I just came here to eat and not to cause trouble." I stared at Alex intently, searching for something we'd lost because of me.

'**All that was there will be there still.' **

"Oh. How's Emma?" Alex wondered sarcastically.

"Good. But she's no you."

"A Jessie Mc lyric. I thought I was better than that." Alex rolled her eyes, as I continued following her into the bathroom. "I like my life Jay. It's good. You're stunt with Ms. H backfired and I'm really good without you. I haven't fallen apart."

'**I'll let it pass.' **

'I have,' I wanted to say, but nodded instead. It was there. It was still there. I could feel it. "Did you think about what I said?"

"Not really. Broken past, remember?"

"I'm better now." I explained, hinting that I was ready to re-start our relationship, but this time do it right.

"I'm better too."

"Maybe we'd be even better together." I smiled as Alex shivered.

"You look pale, been taking your meds?"

"I forgot … today … that's probably it." I nodded, bowing out of the bathroom even though I had taken them today.

'**And hold my tongue.'**

"Emma, let's go." I took her hand, kissing her gently.

"Why?"

"Come on." I helped her to stand as we left Red Lobster, I gave Alex Nunez one last look. I watched her watching that guy. She was really into him. He was better than me, I could tell.

'**And you will think I've moved on.' **

As I took Emma home, I agreed to everything she wanted to do from then until. There was nothing else to say to Alex.

'**I will go down with this ship and I won't put my hands up and surrender.' **

As great as Emma was to me, she was no Alex.

'**There will be no white flag above my door.'**

'Did you take your meds?' I remember her asking. She cared, still card after all I did. But there was no use taking them if there was no chance between us two. I shouldn't have run away.

'**I'm in love'**

Being away from Alex only made me long for her more.

'**And always will be.' **

(A/N: As you can tell, this goes BEFORE the Alex and Amy thing, but I haven't typed it out until now. Sorry. I'm updating two ones today because they should've been up a while ago and neither of them are really good in comparison. Just check them out. I only have four more to write, but 7 more to post, so stay tuned and review! –NL)

For an extra chapter: VOTE FOR WHO YOU WANT TO SEE and/or WHAT SONG YOU WANT USED! Your choices:

1) Paige

2) Terri

3) Liberty

4) Spinner

5) Ashley

6) Darcy

Stories with Jimmy, Fareeza, Hazel, Manny, Craig, Ellie, Sean, Alex, Amy, and JT to come!


	35. Beautiful

Beautiful

(A/N: This song is really short and to the point. I was going to use "You And Me" but decided it would be better to update than to not have anything so enjoy and review … sorry no updates last week. I got a life. Lol –NL)

"So what now?" Manny asked looking at me, her eyes sparkling. Her short brown hair was all messy and matted everywhere. She was still gorgeous. I had forgotten how striking she was in the morning.

'**Such pretty hair.'**

"I don't know, but I suddenly feel inspired." I kissed her quickly grabbing the guitar Manny had brought back with her. Within minutes, a bittersweet melody was floating through the air. "You're my muse." I began just singing out all the random thoughts and emotions I was feeling now that Manny was back. I hadn't played since that drug incident, but it was like I had never stopped.

"Craig…" Her voice trailed off as she smiled at me, beaming. "I was thinking that we could maybe get our own place, you know? We could start over."

"Don't you just love this song? It's about you." I explained as Manny took the guitar, putting it aside.

"Are you listening?"

"A place? Right. Umm … I don't know how to tell you this but I don't have any money."

"It doesn't matter." Manny assured me. "I know I shouldn't have, but I entered you in this music contest. You win ten thousand dollars--"

"Like I would get it." I shrugged, taking the guitar back from her.

"Will you listen? Ten grand is just enough for us to start a new life together as a family. I wasn't kidding when I said I wanted to marry you Craig. We haven't talked about it since." I looked away. Pressure … it was all so much pressure and I just wanted to chill. She hadn't even been here for two weeks and already she was wanting so much from me.

"Whatever you want." I shrugged, forcing a smile so we wouldn't start arguing on why I looked depressed about it.

"And you'll do the contest?" She probed.

"Sure." I nodded. I wasn't really into money competitions … I really wanted a record deal so that people would be able to hear my music all the time.

"By the way. It's tomorrow night babe." Manny giggled as my jaw dropped. She tried to run away from me, but I reached out to her with my long arms, tickling her. As we both erupted in laughter, we fell on the floor, Manny breaking my fall.

'**May I kiss you?'**

"Why did you wait to tell me?" I wondered, my face inches from her and growing closer each second.

"Because I wanted all your attention on me. Was that selfish?" Manny kissed me roughly. "I know we just … rushed into things when I got back, but I want you forever. I don't want to share you."

"You won't." I promised, kissing her stomach gently.

'**May I kiss you there?" **

"Now?" Manny blushed as I nodded. I wanted her to know just how much I loved her every second of the day.

'**So beautiful you are.' **

* * *

"Don't tell me you've been here all day." Manny complained the next afternoon, holding Marissa in her arms, rocking her to sleep.

"Yeah and where have you been? It's not safe for you just to go out like that." I sighed, almost throwing the guitar down in frustration. I couldn't believe the contest was tonight. I was so under prepared.

"I just went to the movies. It's cool." Manny avoided my glance.

"And?"

"And I saw someone … well, it was just JT. Actually, I've been seeing him a lot."

"What are you trying to tell me?"

"Don't get uptight. I invited him to your showcase. I know you're going to be awesome and I swore him to secrecy." She shrugged like it was nothing. I tried to ignore how much I wanted to sweep her up in my arms right then … this was serious.

'**So beautiful.' **

"How can you act like that's nothing? Manny he's your ex!" I screamed, waking Marissa.

"Good job. You're my first so you don't have to worry." She rolled her eyes, singing quietly to the baby.

"Is that my song? Have you been going through my lyrics?" My voice began to rise again.

"Chill out kid. I think you should use this song. I'll be expecting it." Manny rushed down the hallway, hoping not to run into Joey or anyone else. Angie hadn't said anything because I'd been bribing her but soon we would have this place Manny wanted.

'**Beautiful.'**

* * *

"And now Craig Manning!" An announcer introduced me as I thought about our blowout this afternoon _and _right before I got here. Everything about us was passionate and dramatic—from the way we loved each other to the way we fought. But I couldn't get those words out of my head … JT loved her. I knew he did. I hated that he was coming here.

'**Please don't move.'**

"Go Craig!" Manny cheered, snapping me back into reality. I began the song about us—the one I'd written yesterday, watching her the entire time. At that moment, nothing else mattered …

'**You feel so good to me.'**

until JT took Manny's hand and the two started dancing. I finished the song without singing. I couldn't say anything. I was speechless.

"Hey baby!" Manny kissed me after I finished performing. "You were the best. We've got this. Trust me." She wrapped her arms around my neck.

'**Hmm. Tell me in my ear.'**

I pulled out the guitar and started writing another song about Manny—this time about how much she had betrayed me. "Hello. I'm talking." She began but I kept playing. "He's really into his music." She explained to JT who kept watching me intensely.

'**Beautiful.'**

"No it's not that."

"Of course it is." She intervened, wrapping her arms around her neck. "I come first remember?"

"And where do I rank on your list? Dead last!" I yelled. "Since you've been back, you've been telling me what to do trying to control my life. That's not how a relationship works."

'**So Beautiful.'**

"Excuse me? If you don't want me here, I'll leave. Is that what you want? I risked my _life _for you and you don't want me?" She screamed hysterical. Even her crying was perfect.

'**Beautiful.'**

"You felt guilty about Marissa. You only care about yourself." I shouted back, even though I knew it was a lie.

"Fine. This is me caring only about myself." Manny snatched the guitar from my hands and smashing it to the ground. Bounding out of the room, JT followed. "No. I need to be by myself. I'm calling my parents … I'm going _HOME_." She pushed him away still crying.

'**So very beautiful.'**

That night I won the contest. I went onstage and waited, looking for her in the audience so we could celebrate. She wasn't there. I imagined her coming back, with her perfect smile that brought color to my life.

'**Beautiful.'**

I sat down. She would come back. Manny had before and she was the most important person in my life. Her and Marissa. I waited and waited … until the club closed, but she never came.

(A/N: The lyrics aren't much, but just listen to Meschell N. If you do, you'll love this song. I do … and Deep Water is from Jewel. Review. –NL)


	36. Blower's Daughter

**The Blower's Daughter**

'**And so it is just like you said it would be.'**

I couldn't believe who was in front of my eyes. No, not in front of my eyes, but walking away. Manny Santos, or at least it looked like her. I knew if Liberty came back and saw me gone, I would have a lot of explaining to do, but I never really got a chance to say goodbye to Manny. I never told her how I felt or … how I wanted to feel because I love Liberty. I really do. But there's something about Manny that always made me want more of her. And I didn't want to share her. But Craig was always in the picture and now … I stopped, realizing that if I didn't start running I'd never catch up with the girl who couldn't possibly be Manny.

'**Life goes easy on me most of the time.'**

I followed her path quickly with heavy steps that contrasted with her light, delicate ones. I knew it wasn't her because I'd been doing this for months since the funeral service, but I still had to know if she …

"Jeez JT, could you be anymore obvious?" She pulled me into a dark corner near the bathrooms of the stadium.

"Manny? Is that you?" I grasped her shoulders, trying to make out her features against the darkness of the corner.

"No one's supposed to know I'm here." She looked down, playing with her fingers. "How are you?"

**'And so it is.'**

Ignoring her question I began, "My God. How is this possible?" I turned away from Manny whispering, "You're really losing it York."

"I can't really go into this. Just by you being here with me, you're in danger." Manny looked around paranoid-ly.

"Is that why you're…"

'**The shorter story. No love. No glory.'**

"Wearing this and this hair. I know." She smiled brightly. "I thought that if I had to cut my hair, I'd do it right." Manny referred to ultra short deep brown tresses that were now her hair. "Besides, I can be anyone I want now … except myself."

"What's going on here? Do you have a ticket?" A guard asked as I turned away from Manny and in an instant, she was gone as if she were never there.

"Uh, yeah. Sure." I nodded, handing him the stub. "Where's the bathroom?" He pointed me in the direction, even though I already knew where it was.

'**No hero in her sky.'**

"JT York!" Liberty yelled angrily as I hurried over to her. "Where the hell have you been? We're missing the opening of the game and I couldn't go because you have my ticket."

"What's the big deal? I thought you didn't care about sports." I grumbled grouch-like, perturbed that my time with Manny had been limited. I could still smell her scent … it was one of those secret body spray products that kept her running through my mind.

"What's up your ass?" She blurted out, looking concerned. I hated when her eyebrows grew closer like that. Liberty was so much more … she felt more than even I could understand.

"I just thought I saw someone. No biggie. Let's go." I put on my charming smile that always had everyone fooled as to what was really bothering me. I as I wrapped my arm around Liberty's waist, I saw Manny smile at me. It was a bittersweet smile. And it was all probably in my head anyway.

**'And so it is just like you said it would be.'**

"I'll be right back." I kissed Liberty quickly on the lips, in search for the newly chocolate-haired Manny. I knew she was still here, waiting for me and I wasn't going to let her go.

"I thought I told you to stay way from me." She mumbled, placing on some black sunglasses and walking out of the building into the Canadian heat.

"There's no reentry." Another guard informed us as I nodded and Manny took another head start.

"What do you think you're doing, showing up like this?" I wondered, imagining her lips on mine. "Do you know how wrong this is? I thought you were--"

"Don't say it. Everyone did." She pulled out her phone and made a call to the cab company.

"Can you just tell me--"

"No. I really have to go. But it was good seeing you again." Manny sighed.

**'We'll both forget the breeze most of the time.'**

"Why are you here … you're here to see Craig aren't you?" I wondered as she looked away and nodded.

"He has my daughter and I have to see him." Tears brimmed in her eyes, as in mine.

"So this means …" My lips brushed Manny's passionately as she moaned, pushing me away.

"Goodbye," She said with such finality that it sounded more like 'I'll see you next lifetime.'

**'And so it is the colder water, the blower's daughter, the pupil in denial.'**

That was two days before yesterday and still I was on her trail. I decided that it would be best if Manny didn't know I was following her. But I was. I couldn't let her go. I watched her from her hotel room. I watched her reunite with Craig and fight and hold her child and make love. I witnessed it all. I forced myself back into her life, going places with her to "protect her," any excuse to get me closer to Manny.

And now I was witnessing her leave again by cab or whatever mysterious way she had arrived from a seemingly faraway land. I almost felt like it was my fault. After that scene at the club, she stopped calling. She stopped noticing me. I was losing her again.

**'I can't take my eyes off of you.'**

I couldn't let her go. I couldn't take my eyes off of her. "Manny!" I yelled, running out in front of the mysterious cab that was waiting in front of hotel. "Manny, I …" My voice trailed off as I watched gunshots fire in her direction. Immediately, she made a u-turn for the door.

**'I can't take my mind off of you.'**

"No!" I yelled, trying to protect her perfect body from any harm. Before I could take three steps, I felt a pain of a thousand knives at the speed of light pierce my back. Falling to my knees, I watched her face panic as two men hand-cuffed her and took away her screaming soul. My eyes pierced into hers as I watched intensely, still trying to make my way over to her but unable to. I was left in the dust of the vehicle as I fell forward, unable to move any longer.

**'I can't take my mind off of you. I can't take my eyes off of you. My mind …' **

(A/N: I know I'm making everything tragic, but I came across this song from the movie "Closer" and it was just so … chilling that I had to use it for someone. I'm actually writing this before most of the others in this series, but who cares as long as you guys love it ... I did this MONTHS ago. I can only hope that it fits, but I wanted to give JTa story sohere it is. Iwill be adding in another one with Spinner to "How's it Gonna Be" so enjoy!--NL)


	37. How's it Gonna Be?

How's it Gonna Be?

**'I'm only pretty sure that I can't take anymore'**

"You're late." Mom snapped as I shrugged. My mind was somewhere else. I was thinking about that last drag I had and how much Darcy was going to kill me when she found out. Darcy. I smiled.

Sitting down at the table, my mom continued complaining. "Get cleaned up. You smell."

That was her favorite insult for me and it used to get to me, but not anymore. She seemed to think that putting me down would bring dad back, but it wouldn't. He was long gone and I wished I had left with him. The only reason I stayed was Kendra, but I was even losing my connection to her.

"I'm tired." I noted, as my high started to slither away. She always did this.

"I do not care. Get up. Now!" She pulled the chair from under me as I stumbled backwards and landed on my hip.

'**Before you take a swing I wonder what are we fighting for?'**

"Ha. You're as clumsy as an ox too." She laughed as Kendra looked at me sympathetically. "Laugh Kendra. It's funny."

"No it's not mom." My sister grabbed my hand to help me stand, but I was so pissed, I pushed her away.

"I'm fine. I'm going out." I muttered, pulling a cigarette out of my pocket.

"No you aren't. You know the rules." Mom commanded.

"I don't care. I can't stand being here anymore."

**'When I say out loud I want to get out of this'**

"You're not going anywhere." She pushed me against the wall with a strength I didn't know her petite body possessed. "Don't make me…" I knew what she was going to do … hit me.

"I can't stay here anymore. I have to get out okay. I'll be back this time." I promised, thinking about all the other times I had run away since Jimmy was put in that wheelchair, Manny died, and dad left. Before that, times were good. But since, I was labeled as the "troublemaker."

"Spinner Mason. You will sit your ass down now!" She slapped me suddenly as pushed her back.

Within minutes, my mother had gone crazy again and was kicking and punching me with all her strength. I wanted to hit her back, I really did, but I couldn't. She _was _my mom.

"Get up you little piece of shit!" She yelled, spitting on me as Kendra cowered in the corner crying.

"I'm gone." I whispered, struggling to stand up, but careful not to grimace. She got something out of seeing me hurting, but I was at the point where I could numb it all out.

"You don't have to leave." Kendra begged, following me up the stairs.

**'I wonder is there anything I'm going to miss?'**

"I do. She won't hit you, I promise." I hugged her softly before pulling a duffel bag from under my bed. It was already packed. Everything was. I never knew when I going to need to leave again—like now.

"Take me with you." Kendra pleaded as I shook my head.

**'I wonder how it's going to be when you don't know me?' **

"You haven't even finished high school."

"Neither have you. Please Spinner. It's too painful being here and don't tell me he's coming back. He's not. I know that now." She sat on my bed, hugging her knees. "Why do you have to leave too?"

"Look, don't make this hard on me. This isn't the end. Think of it as me going to college a little earlier."

**'How's it going to be when you're sure I'm not there?'**

"Where will you sleep? What will you eat? Have you even thought about these things? She won't let you go." Kendra whispered. "And neither will I … I told her about your drug problem."

**'How's it going to be when there is no one to talk to, between you and me?'**

"What problem? I don't have a problem." Slinging a couple of bags on my shoulder, I lit a cigarette and started smoking it.

"You're going to rehab. I wanted to tell you ahead of time." Kendra tried to hug me again as I pushed her away.

"You little rat. You squealed on me? I bet rehab was your idea too … I'm fine Kendra, but I lied to you. I won't be coming back. You'll never hear from me again." I promised her away abruptly as my little sister feel, her back hitting the wall. Hard. But I didn't care.

**'Cause I don't care. How's it going to be?'**

Scene

"What's with the bags?" Darcy wondered after I came back from another smoking round with my buddies at the ravine. It was really me saying goodbye to them, but they didn't want to hear that … at least not when trying to get high and escape.

**'How's it going to be?'**

I really wished that by some miracle Jay was there, but something serious was going on with him and I rarely saw him anymore. I guess that time at the dance was the last time I'd see him. I shrugged. Nothing was going to make me cry.

I was going to see Darcy … see how she was doing for a little while. "Hello, what's with the bags?" She repeated as I dropped them on the front porch.

"Road trip." I shrugged. It sounded like a good excuse to me.

"In the middle of the school year?" She asked.

"Correction. We have a month left." I smiled kissing her neck softly. "You taste so good." I grinned. This was bliss.

**'Where we used to laugh'**

"Don't you want to graduate Spinner? You were working so hard this year to catch and now--"

"I'm tired of playing catch-up. Either way, it doesn't matter. I'll never get my so-called friends back, but it's okay." I swept her up in my arms as Darcy struggled not to giggle.

"My dad would _murder _you if he saw us like this. Let's go out back." She suggested, holding on my hand tightly. "I don't want you to leave."

"What? What are you talking about?" I wondered.

"You have to stop running away from your problems. If I caused any of them, I'm sorry." She apologized.

"No. You've stopped me from ending up like Mohammed. Darcy, I want you to forget about me." I demanded. "Live your last year of high school like nothing matters. Don't think of me." I sat down on the hammock attached to her side porch as she joined me.

"I could never do that. I'll never forget you." She rested her head on my shoulder. "You can't go."

"I have to. You see what that psycho did this time." I referred to the scrapes and cuts on my face. I tried to cover them up well, but I was never good at that.

"She loves you Spin. You have to pray for her." Darcy urged.

**'There's a shouting match, sharp as a thumbnail scratch'**

"Why don't we pray for your sex-obsessed father. Did he re-play one of those child pornos he made of you tonight?" I shot back as she looked at me stunned. A long silence followed.

**'A silence I can't ignore like the hammocks by the doorway we spent time in swings empty.'**

"I don't want to talk about that. He's better. We just have to pray more." She took my hands and tried to get me to kneel.

"Don't you get it? Our parents are screwed up. It's not getting any better and the only thing I can do is leave it behind." I sighed. "I can't stay."

"Please Spinner. Your mom is so worried. We want you to go to rehab. She's on her way over here."

"You SOLD ME OUT?" I screamed, pushing her away. "How could you? Do you have any idea what she's gonna do to me?"

**'Don't see lightning like last fall when it was always  
about to hit me.'**

"Look, it's okay. I promise. We'll go to school tomorrow … finish out the week and they'll let you finish your year in rehab."

**'I wonder how's it going to be when it goes down?'**

"Backstabber." I whispered over and over again. "I don't need rehab. I can quit whenever!" I yelled pulling out a joint and lighting it. It would help me. I'd tried literally _everything_, but nothing went better with Alcohol or a little acid, but a joint.

"No Spinner. Stop!" Darcy screamed as we struggled with the smoking weed.

**'How's it going to be when your not around?'**

"Fine. Take it!" I let go, throwing my hands up in the air. "We're through."

**'How's it going to be when you found out there was nothing  
between you and me? 'Cause I don't care.' **

Months Later

"No. Just one more time!" I screamed not being able to take it anymore. My arms and legs were strapped to a white bed, just like in the movies, but all I could think about was my craving … not just for a high, but for Darcy.

**'Want to get myself back in again, the soft dive of oblivion.'**

"One more!" I went on for what seemed like hours, but no one even stopped to look in at me.

"Darcy!" I yelled as I had many times before, but it made no difference. She wasn't coming. She never did. "Darcy, I love you!" I shouted desperately, finally giving up. I was too tired to even move anymore.

**'Wanna taste the soul of your skin, the soft dive of oblivion.' **

A year later

With the help of a couple of friend I'd made at the place, I was finally able to get out of here—probably not for good. They would find me, but there just one thing I needed to do. I had to see her again.

**'Oblivion'**

I had to see Darcy and apologize for all the things I didn't even remember saying.

**'How's it going to be?'**

Walking up to her doorstep, I knew I wouldn't have time. Abruptly, I knocked on the door, interrupting what seemed like a party. That's right. It was her birthday today.

"Darcy?" I smiled, kissing her suddenly.

"Do I _know _you?" She wondered as everything started spinning.

"What? Of course you do. It's me, Spinner."

**'When you don't know me any more?'**

"Yeah. Right." Darcy shrugged nonchalantly, letting me in as Peter swept her into his arms. "Baby." She giggled, kissing him lightly.

"Darcy, I wanted to umm … talk to you."

"I'm sorry, you know I really don't think I know you … I vaguely remember someone telling me not to think of them like a year ago, but …"

**'How's it going to be?**

"Stop pretending. I came here for you, just for you and no one else." I explained, a flicker of hope shining in me.

"Look Spin, I don't care about whoever you've become. I've moved on. I don't know you. I don't want to. Please just go."

**'How's it going to be?**

(A/N: Here's the Spinner story … a little more vague than I wanted and I know I just threw in the Spinner-Darcy relationship, but everyone else was already so complicated so it just made sense to make them together. I couldn't have THREE guys after Manny, now could I? I'm going to try and have this story finished by the first week in May … maybe I new part will come in June or something. It all depends on you guys! I still have to write "Don't Wanna Miss a Thing" and "Nobody Wins" and then it's the end! –NL)


	38. Kissin You

Kissin You

'**Don't matter who knows.'**

"Fareeza, just let me--" I began touching her face quickly. She looked away almost blushing as I smiled.

**'I don't care who sees.'**

"No. I'm not ready for that. Last time … Mohammed… do you realize we're in this big love square?" Fareeza joked, getting rid of the awkwardness.

"Yeah, but I want it to be us two." I voiced as Fareeza walked over to the kitchen, picking up the money my dad left on the counter and handing it to me.

'**Me thinking about you makes my life complete.'**

"Stop playing." I stared at Fareeza, intent on making her see things my way. "We've gotta hurry if you want to see the art thing."

**'And what I mean by that, that my whole world changes.'**

"Art thing? That 'art thing' is the shiznit."

"And so out of my league." She finished for me. "I'll be there at 8, okay? See you later." Fareeza gave me one last smile and I was off.

The weird thing was the whole time I was at the gallery, looking at the collection of the best comic and comic-inspired art, I couldn't think about what an awesome situation I was in. Seriously, she had really helped me out a lot this year. I thought Hazel was all I needed for the longest time, but when she betrayed me I truly didn't have anyone else. It was weird how we ended up being friends ... how she forced me to visit my mom's grave when I thoughtI couldn't handle it. I wanted to cry, Ithought I was going to ... but Ididn't.Fareeza held my hand the entire time.

**'You make me feel things that I've never felt.' **

All I could think about was Fareeza, and not in a sleezy way either. The way she handled Hazel's pregnancy, how she was there for her when the baby came. That was strength. I never thought I'd fall for her, but there's something in her that I never saw in Hazel.

And I know we're on that 'just friends' page and may never get off of it, but I was just getting these urges to get out of here and find her.

"Hey, Jimmy!" Ellie smiled at me before returning to her normal solemn look. It had grown even more solemn since Sean had come back into town and I was doing all that I could to keep from saying something about her return to "doom and gloom."

"Hey Els." I looked back up at her. Ellie was really great, like how she helped everyone like she helped me. It was just too bad that Sean was appreciating her—and that a sex kitten like Blu had just popped up at Degrassi. I thought those days ended with Manny.

'**And when I'm with my friends.'**

"How long have you been here? I found this awesome one from Frank Miller's 'Sin City.'They have the original ones and the ones from the movie on display. It's so cool... amazing how real and surreal everything looks at the same time." Ellie blasted enthusiastically as I grinned. This was great. We went around looking at everything, but I was really aching to get out of there.

**'I'm trying to figure out ways to leave them behind just to get back to you.'**

"Yo, Els … I've gotta get back home." I explained.

"It's not even seven yet." She protested.

"I know. It's just …" I struggled for a good lie, but couldn't find one.

"Go ahead." Ellie shrugged sadly. "I'll let you know what you missed tomorrow." I had somewhere else I had to go ... before I showed Fareeza my big surprise. She would be the first one to know about it.

**'You're my best kept secret'**

As I arrived at the wedding ceremony, the only thought on my mind was Fareeza. I didn't care what anyone else thought. "Jimmy … what are you doing here?" Fareeza whispered, rushing over to me. "This is a _family _event. They're gonna freak if they see you."

"Then we'll go where no one can see us." I took her hand as Fareeza rolled her eyes, pretending like she didn't want to come with me. But she did. I could tell.

"Do you know what you're getting yourself into Jimmy? Do you know what--"

"No one has to know … if that's the way you want it. If no one knows, no one can try to ruin us."

**'And that's the way I like it.' **

"But we're friends. I explained that to you." Fareeza sighed looking away from me.

"Okay. Then as a friend, I have something important that I want you to see." Taking in a few deep breaths, I struggled to my feet. It must've taken a good ten minutes just to stand and I hadn't been there for that long, but it felt good.

**'You're my pride and joy, boy that's why I'm dreaming of you.' **

"Mashallah." Fareeza hugged me closely as I nearly fell back, not from not using my legs for months, but from the sensation I was getting from being so close to her. "I knew you'd be okay." She kissed my forehead tightly as I closed my eyes.

**'Kissin you is all that I've been thinking of.' **

Ignoring the physical pain I was feeling, my lips lightly brushed hers. With a sense of urgency, I kissed her again and again and again until I could no longer stand.

"What was that?" Fareeza asked trying to catch her breath.

**'Kissin you is oh, oh.'**

"You tell me."

**'Kissin you is all that I've been thinking of.' **

"A friendship kiss?" She guessed as I took her hands, pulling Fareeza closer to me.

"I've been thinking about it all day." I muttered kissing her again.

"I think you have a thing for Muslim girls." Fareeza joked with a smile, the first one I'd seen from her since I'd come here.

**'Kissin you is oh, oh.' **

(A/N: I wanted something sweet and to the point since I have a tendency to travel/write about weeks of happenings in one chapter. I still don't know if Jimmy and Fareeza should be together or if it'll work but I've got to mix it up. Next is Ellie's last chapter and then Alex after so it's almost done! I just took out the 'To Zion' part with Hazel and 'Don't Want to Miss a Thing' ... I think I know who your favorties are so I didn't many people would read those. I'm doing a double update today and the second week of May will end this part. If there's interest, I'll keep going. And I have a really good new angle I want to try but I'm not sure if I'll make it a new story ... Review, --NL)


	39. Fool

Fool

I woke up after a huge fight with Sean over what happened between him and Blu, again. It was like all we did was fight and although I wanted to make him hurt the way I was hurting, I couldn't let him go. Sean hadn't broken up with me either, but he came close, so we're meant to be, right?

"Sean?" I sat up. As my feet hit the floor, I noticed how cold the floor was and reached for a pair of socks that were on the bed. Sean's socks. "Where are you!" I yelled hoping that he hadn't spent the entire night out. He couldn't have.

Fed up with trying to figure him out, I pulled on a pair of light blue Touch jeans, a black tank, and a black fishnet-like shirt over it. "And he forgot this." I grabbed the lighter on the counter as I started to leave the house. I didn't know if he had started smoking or anything, but without it Sean would definitely freak.

"A message?" I pressed play on the answering machine. It was my mom. "… Daddy will be alright honey." I stopped the machine.

"Would you like to delete this message?" It asked as I pressed yes. Liar.

'**Tell me lies.'**

"Hey Ellie, you coming or what?" I heard Marco's soft voice from behind the front door.

"Yeah. Just a second!" I called back, picking up an envelope that read ELLIE in bold red letters. My hand was shaking so hard, I almost dropped it. I hated the color red. It was like blood. Even my old scars from cutting were throbbing.

**'Slap me on the face just improvise.' **

Without a moment of hesitation, I ripped apart the envelope and yanked out its contents. "Ellie, I know we had a huge fight last night, but it was over nothing. Nothing happened. Blu means nothing to me. I choose you. I've always chosen you. I came back to Degrassi for you. Whatever everyone says…" I stopped reading the letter and tucked it into my jeans pocket with a smile. Maybe I was over-reacting,

"Hey Marco!" I called with a huge grin.

"Made up with Sean?"

"Sort of … He didn't come home last night, but he left me this." I handed Marco the letter, but then decided against it and read it aloud instead. "… and I'm meeting up with Bl…"

'**Do something really clever that'll make me hate your name forever.'**

"Ellie."

"No Marco. I was stupid. I should've read the whole thing and never accepted your slutty friend." I explained, preparing myself for WWIII. Sean was going to have it when I saw him.

"I guess Sean's the slut too since he keeps going after her." Marco pulled into the parking lot.

"I guess you're right but I actually care about him, so it's different." I justified as Marco started talking to me about Dylan or something.

"Are you listening?"

"Yeah." I nodded as I watched Sean and Blu. Together.

'**You might swear you'd never touch a lady well let me say you're not too far from maybe.'**

I hated it so much. I wanted to go over there and kick her butt and then his. Actually, in reverse, As we neared them, Blu grabbed Sean's butt and lightly touched his arm before leaving. I could see his eyes light up, even if it was just a little. I knew I couldn't trust Blu--she hated me, but Sean ... I couldn't believe it.

**'Everyday you find new ways to hurt me.' **

Sean was too smart to openly smile, but not smart enough to stay away from her all together. "What the hell was that?" I whispered as he reached for my hand. I pulled away.

"Tell me what you saw and I can explain it."

"You mean make up some lame ass lie for it. I got your note." I began.

"We're doing a project together, not my idea and I'm sorry." Sean apologized looking defeated.

"You looked more psyched to be around her than she was you. And why didn't you come home last night?" I demanded.

"I thought you needed some time to cool off and I did too so… I went over at Blu's house."

"You what!" I shouted, rushing to get away from him.

Later that day at school

"Ellie." Marco rushed to keep up with me. "I know this is completely selfish of me to ask right now, but I need advice on what to do. I can't seem to trust anyone since--"

"Sean is such a jerk. He spent the night at Blu's house." I sighed starting to hyperventilate.

"Okay well … I already told you what to do so…" Marco walked away.

'**Resigned from hearing my old story.' **

"Are you leaving me?" I asked as Marco kept walking. I tried to remember what he had said. I was either going to forgive Sean or I wasn't.

"Ellie." Sean rushed up to me as I turned away. "I promise I won't let anything destroy us."

"Or anyone?" I asked, allowing him to take my hand.

"Good." I kissed him suddenly, to prove to everyone that we were still together and nothing changed. But it had. As I tried to kiss him again, Sean pulled away. "Will you be home tonight?" I smiled.

'**Every night I'm paying hell for glory.'**

I wanted to stay with him because it was comfortable. It was natural, routine, and I didn't have to be afraid of opening up to someone new, but he was so distanced from me that it was almost like I was starting a new relationship. I put up with this because I didn't want people saying things about me. I loved how it felt to have a boyfriend on my arm.

'**I'm embarrassed but I'm much more sorry.' **

"I don't want to be late for shop class." He lied as Blu waltzed by smirking at me like she had won. I could not deal with this. I didn't know what she was giving him that I wasn't or if things had suddenly changed because sex became a big issue in our relationship or maybe I was doing something wrong? Was I starting to freak him out?

I had to go somewhere where I could clear my head. Sean was so pushing me off the edge right now and I really needed to not feel this way. Not feel this pain.

As I sat in the bathroom, I couldn't even cry. Crying wasn't going to solve anything this time because the pain was too strong. It was so strong that I almost wanted to cut—no I wasn't going to let myself feel this way. I started searching through my bag for gum—or something that would make me forget this.

Dumping everything out of the bag, Sean's lighter stood out. I'd always been afraid of fire, but I could just imagine how much the pain of burnt flesh would ease this emotional pain. With my mom's so-called recovery, my dad missing in action, Marco abandoning me, and Sean being hot and cold. This would make it all better.

**'All this pain begins to feel like pleasure. **

Pulling off the sport band on my right arm, I held the flame up to my left arm as I almost screamed at the pain. It was so unbearable that I immediately ran for the sink.

'**With more tears, you'd make a sea a desert.' **

The bathroom air smelled of burnt flesh as I covered up my arm and packed my things back into the bag. Everything was so much better now. I could talk to Sean. I loved Sean.

"Hey!" I yelled finally finding my boyfriend after rummaging through the halls like a madwoman.

"Ellie." Sean seemed relieved at my relaxed demeanor, accepting my hand as I reach out to him. Pressing into my wrist ever so slightly, I could still feel the effects of what I had done minutes earlier. It hurt so much, but I was with Sean now so it didn't matter.

'**Salt my wounds and I'll keep saying thank you.' **

"Coming home tonight?" I asked again, kissing Sean passionately.

"I'm working on my project so … I'll be home." He decided. "If you want to we'll just work over at our place and you can do your work in the living room with us or something." He offered as I hugged him closer.

'**But I can't help it if I'm just a fool always having my heart set on you.' **

And foolish me, I believed him. I sat in the living room that night for four hours, 8-12 and he never showed up. Well, he did but not until 2 in the morning.

"What happened to studying?" I wondered as I Sean held up his hands, gesturing that he was tired.

'**Till the time you start changing the rules I'll keep chasing the soles of your shoes.' **

"Got caught up." He muttered.

"Have you been _drinking_? I thought you were over that." I complained, tugging on him angrily.

'**Ah-ha fool.' **

"Don't touch me Ellie." Sean warned.

"Or you'll get your _girlfriend_ on me? I don't know what's worse, you hanging out and partying all night or you being with Blu."

'**I can't help it baby. Ah-ha fool.' **

"I'm sorry." Sean stated heartlessly.

'**I can't help it baby. Ah-ha fool.' **

"No you're not or you wouldn't keep doing it!" I shook Sean roughly, falling to the ground as he turned the other way.

'**Baby yeah yeah.' **

"Look Ellie. I'm too tired for this. Don't." He begged.

'**Ah-ha fool. I'm a fool.' **

"No. Let's finish this. Do you want to be with me or don't you?" I screamed in his face pushing and pounding on his chest until Sean hit the wall. "Don't be an idiot Sean. Think for a second ... or maybe the poor white trash in you is finally starting to show. I knew I shouldn't have put up with a piece of shit like you!" I yelled, continuing to hit him even though I was doing it just to get a rise out of him, just to know he was feeling something.

"Shut up!" He yelled back, punching me in the nosein response.

'**I'm a fool.' **

In fear, I cowered to the ground, blood spurting everywhere. I crawled to the front door as Sean kicked the refrigerator and tried to help me. But it was too late. He had already hit me, telling me everything I needed to know about him. But it didn't make me love him any less.

'**I'm a fool.' **

(A/N: There's just one more chapter to go and we all know who I'm closing with … I decided to try and leave these chapters a little open just in case I ever return to them, but writing six million Degrassi stories at a time confuses me so I'm trying to get this one and Double Standard done by the beginning of February—but I don't want to rush it. Review ... guess I didn't do that, but we'll see what happens. Review, review, review!–NL)


	40. Fall to Pieces, Part One

Fall to Pieces

"I thought you were through with them." I spat out to Amy. Like an idiot, I believed she would keep her word but no one could really do that, could they?

**'I looked away.'**

"Alex. What are you doing up honey?" Amy wondered, hugging me tightly then attempting to kiss me, but I turned away.

"I hate liars."

**'Then I looked back at you.'**

"I'm not a liar. I'm not like Jay--"

"DON'T!" I yelled with so much emotion that I even surprised myself. "Don't say that asshole's name ever again. I just wanted you to know that I talked to Michael today."

"Lover boy finally showed up? Big surprise." Amy muttered, unhappily. "I'm shocked he hasn't shacked up with a ballroom groupie." She joked, kissing me suddenly. "Don't you feel better? I do."

"Actually, I feel worse. I'm living a lie we both are. You have to stop this prostitution thing."

"I'm _not _a prostitute. Exotic dancer. That's what I am and they love me with every damn moment I'm on that stage. Those men out there want me Alex, but you know they can't have me. I belong to you. You're my best friend. I'd do anything for you. I'll protect you from Jay, Michael, or any other guy who tries to 'turn you' straight." She offered sincerely.

"They won't have to try very hard." I threw my hands into the air. "I know that you've been keeping calls from me. From Michael and who knows how many other people."

"It's not like you love him. He walked out Alex. He _left_ to 'pursue' a career as some homo dancer. And what do you mean Alex? Do you or don't you want to be with me?"

"Truth" I took in a deep breath. "I just want you to be okay Amy. I did what I thought was the best thing … to protect you."

"What are you saying?" Amy looked at me with disgust. At any moment she was ready to burst and Amy was completely unpredictable.

"I _pretended _to want to be with you to stop you from … destroying yourself."

"You what!"

"Amy, we both lied to each other. Let's just end this. You're not into chicks. You're still into Christian and--"

"Jay'll never take you back and Michael will hurt you." Amy wiped tears of hate from her eyes. "You're nothing but poor Spic trash anyway."

**'You tried to say things that you can't undo.'**

Up to that moment, I didn't care about anything that Amy said because it was lies, but the last part really killed. I saw who she really was. I saw that all she could see me by my race and nothing more … after all I did for her.

"Alex, will you get up?" Mom hung over me, shaking me slightly.

"I thought I left you passed out last night. What are you doing up?" I slurred angrily. She ruined my dream. I was happy there. There I was with …

"There's been a … God I … how can I … Jay's dying Alex."

"Tell me something I don't know." I turned over, trying to get back that dream that I didn't finish. I was just about to say 'I do' ... to Jay, the _complete _wrong person for me. My subconscious was so screwed up right now.

"Alex, they they don't think … he _might _have a couple of days to live."

"Then let him die. I don't care. After all the damage he's done Jay deserves to burn in hell." I shot back.

"Alexia Nunez, you are going. Forget about school. Get your ass up now!" Mom yelled with tears in her eyes. "I'm going with you to make sure you do things right."

"Cause you're an expert at doing things 'right'."

"Go in." Mom pushed me into the hospital room. I hated being here. I hated that she was here and even more that Jay had forced himself back into my life again. "Say something." She urged again.

"Fine. Okay just stop touching me." I moved out of her grasp, making my way to Jay's side. "I have to say something to so, so I'll say it right. I hate you."

"And you should." He responded weakly as my expression turned to one in awe of his agreement.

"What's with you? You never used to agree with me." I shrugged. "I don't care. Five more minutes and I'm outta here."

"There are some things I need to say."

"I'm not stopping you. Just no bull shit and no guilt trip. You fucked me over, remember?"

(A/N: This is about half of it and I have a small twist at the end. I was going to end it here, but there are a few lose ends I need to tie up … like Sean and Ellie, Manny, Blu, Spinner, Hazel, and Liberty. I've already written parts using the songs Break Me, No Bravery, Farewell to the Old Me, Name, and I'm even thinking about using Nirvana's Polly! –NL)


	41. Fall to Pieces

Fall to Pieces

(The Completed Part!)

"I thought you were through with them." I spat out to Amy. Like an idiot, I believed she would keep her word but no one could really do that, could they?

**'I looked away.'**

"Alex. What are you doing up honey?" Amy wondered, hugging me tightly then attempting to kiss me, but I turned away.

"I hate liars."

**'Then I looked back at you.'**

"I'm not a liar. I'm not like Jay--"

"DON'T!" I yelled with so much emotion that I even surprised myself. "Don't say that asshole's name ever again. I just wanted you to know that I talked to Michael today."

"Lover boy finally showed up? Big surprise." Amy muttered, unhappily. "I'm shocked he hasn't shacked up with a ballroom groupie." She joked, kissing me suddenly. "Don't you feel better? I do."

"Actually, I feel worse. I'm living a lie we both are. You have to stop this prostitution thing."

"I'm _not _a prostitute. Exotic dancer. That's what I am and they love me with every damn moment I'm on that stage. Those men out there want me Alex, but you know they can't have me. I belong to you. You're my best friend. I'd do anything for you. I'll protect you from Jay, Michael, or any other guy who tries to 'turn you' straight." She offered sincerely.

"They won't have to try very hard." I threw my hands into the air. "I know that you've been keeping calls from me. From Michael and who knows how many other people."

"It's not like you love him. He walked out Alex. He _left_ to 'pursue' a career as some homo dancer. And what do you mean Alex? Do you or don't you want to be with me?"

"Truth" I took in a deep breath. "I just want you to be okay Amy. I did what I thought was the best thing … to protect you."

"What are you saying?" Amy looked at me with disgust. At any moment she was ready to burst and Amy was completely unpredictable.

"I _pretended _to want to be with you to stop you from … destroying yourself."

"You what!"

"Amy, we both lied to each other. Let's just end this. You're not into chicks. You're still into Christian and--"

"Jay'll never take you back and Michael will hurt you." Amy wiped tears of hate from her eyes. "You're nothing but poor Spic trash anyway."

**'You tried to say things that you can't undo.'**

Up to that moment, I didn't care about anything that Amy said because it was lies, but the last part really killed. I saw who she really was. I saw that all she could see me by my race and nothing more … after all I did for her.

"Alex, will you get up?" Mom hung over me, shaking me slightly.

"I thought I left you passed out last night. What are you doing up?" I slurred angrily. She ruined my dream. I was happy there. There I was with …

"There's been a … God I … how can I … Jay's dying Alex."

"Tell me something I don't know." I turned over, trying to get back that dream that I didn't finish. I was just about to say 'I do' ... to Jay, the _complete _wrong person for me. My subconscious was so screwed up right now.

"Alex, they they don't think … he _might _have a couple of days to live."

"Then let him die. I don't care. After all the damage he's done Jay deserves to burn in hell." I shot back.

"Alexia Nunez, you are going. Forget about school. Get your ass up now!" Mom yelled with tears in her eyes. "I'm going with you to make sure you do things right."

"Cause you're an expert at doing things 'right'."

"Go in." Mom pushed me into the hospital room. I hated being here. I hated that she was here and even more that Jay had forced himself back into my life again. "Say something." She urged again.

"Fine. Okay just stop touching me." I moved out of her grasp, making my way to Jay's side. "I have to say something to so, so I'll say it right. I hate you."

"And you should." He responded weakly as my expression turned to one in awe of his agreement.

"What's with you? You never used to agree with me." I shrugged. "I don't care. Five more minutes and I'm outta here."

"There are some things I need to say."

"I'm not stopping you. Just no bull shit and no guilt trip. You fucked me over, remember?"

"Emma never meant--"

"Don't even say her name." I cut in, the pain still there.

"anything. It was easier to feel nothing with her than to feel something real with you."

"Great answer. Tell me, how many films did you have to watch before you put that one together? The bottom line is that I'm not into you. We had a past, but we have nothing now so I don't even know why I'm here."

"You love me and you know it. Even though I look as pale as hell and I'm about to die, you're still to proud to say it. I'm not. I love you Lexi. I may have had a fucked up way of showing it, but I do." Shaking my head, I avoided looking at him anymore. It killed to see him so immobile and so bare. Jay was stripped of all the bull shit around him. He wasn't the bad boy anymore who didn't give a shit. And no matter what he did, I loved him but I couldn't let him know that.

**'If I had my way, I'd never get over you.'**

"You're too stupid to understand what love is, but I'm not gonna argue with you. Just tell me Jay… are you really dying because I can't. Forget it." I got up and walked away because it was just too painful and too much. I hated myself so much for caring. Why did I care? All Jay did was ruin my world, but here I was crying in my little corner like a baby, like a child.

**'Today's the day I pray that we make it through. Make it through the fall. Make it through it all.' **

"Alex, where are you going?" Mom chased after me, grabbing my arm roughly.

"Do-Don't touch me." I responded back breathing rapidly. I had to get a grip. Tears were streaming down my face. I couldn't let her see. I couldn't breathe. I had to get out of here. Hospitals were so suffocating. "Honey."

**'You're the only one I'd be with till the end.'**

"No!" I cried, yanking myself away from her grasp with a force so strong, I met the hard, hospital ground. Now, the tears were pouring as though they were coming from the sky instead of from my own eyes. My breathing had accelerated and before I knew it, everything was shapeless, then completely gone.

"Thank God honey. I was praying for you the whole time. I never knew this would be so … hard on you." I awakened to the sound of my mother's voice. Drama. She was always to dramatic.

"It isn't hard. I'm just under stress." I lied. Graduation is coming soon. Goodbye to Degrassi soon." I sighed sitting up. "Can I get out of here?"

"They want to--"

"I'm leaving." I pulled everything off me and quickly pulled on jeans.

"Before you go … Jay asked about you. He's worried. They had to restrain him from trying to see you."

"And?"

"You owe it to him to see him one last time." She finished for me.

"Whatever." I shrugged. Against everything I was thinking, I made my way back to his room. "This is goodbye for good you asshole!" I yelled as a startled Emma looked up at me. "Oh. Is this a bad time."

"Yes." Emma nodded.

"No. Get over here Lexi." Jay protested as I eyed Emma once more before walking to his side. She looked even more torn up than I was.

"Can we have a moment?" I asked as Emma lingered for a while and then reluctantly left.

"Something you want to say to me?" Jay smirked. He was so damn smug that I wanted to punch him in the face.

"Go to hell. You lying bastard. Emma meant nothing? Why the hell are you crying like some sissy then?" I argued, doing what I did best—making other people feel like shit and pushing them away when I cared too much.

**'When I come undone you bring me back again.'**

"We were … talking about you."

"Bull shit."

"I love you." He whispered weakly.

"Go to hell Jay."

"Only if you come with me." He smiled, taking my hand as I looked away, trying not to smile. I couldn't let him charm his way back into my heart.

"If you … die on my like this … I'll hate you forever. I'll never forgive you. So suck it up. Get your ass up so I can kick it a couple times okay? Stop playing around." I ordered as Jay looked away.

"I can't."

"Come on Jay. You're not fooling me."

'**Back under the stars.'**

"Lexi, I--"

"See you later jackass!" I pried my hand from his, flicking him off with a smile before leaving. No way. Jay Hogart wouldn't bow down to life and he sure as hell wasn't going to go gentle with death. He would be okay. He would be fine. It was done. I convinced myself of it.

**'Back into your arms.'**

"We are here today to mourn the passing of Jay Hogart…" That was all I heard. The 'passing.' What did that mean? What the hell did it mean. What was he passing from and going to anyway and why did he leave me here to fight it out.

I briefly looked up at Michael who had took the fastest plane here to be next to me and hold my hand, but I couldn't concentrate on him or anything.

**'And I don't want to fall to pieces.'**

It just didn't make sense. It didn't. And I was supposed to say a few words. What the hell could I say? I hated Jay just as much as I loved him—too much. And like an idiot … I thought he'd still be around.

**'I just want to sit and stare at you.'**

He didn't even make it through the next day. I smiled to myself. That asshole knew exactly what he was doing. He knew that chick had the virus. He did it on purpose to make me feel guilty.

"I hate you." I whispered as my mom looked at me. "I'm glad you're dead!" I yelled, rushing away from the church.

"Alex, come on." Michael lead me the rest of the way to the doors. "He didn't even believe in God. Jay Hogart didn't believe in anything … but hoes and—"

**'I don't wanna talk about it.'**

"He loved you Alex. That's why it never worked between us, but you were too selfish to notice." Emma stood up suddenly.

**'And I don't want a conversation. I just want to cry in front of you.'**

"Who the hell does she think she is!" I screamed just as we barely made it out of the church. "Jay didn't know how to love. He-He's not like you. He's not half of what you are." I embraced Michael snugly, trying to forget everything.

**'And I don't wanna talk about it.'**

"Alex, you have to deal with this. Jay is dead. Don't run away from it."

**'Cause I'm in love with you.'**

"And what you do know about it? You rushed off to God knows were to dance? You _left me _Michael, okay? Where were you when I needed you?" I asked as it started raining down on me. Great. That booze I drank earlier was getting to me. I couldn't see straight, think, anything. I didn't know where I was going, but I was getting the hell away from here.

**'I'm in love with you.'**

"Alex. Alex!" I heard Michael's footsteps after me, but I didn't stop until I saw who was in front of me.

**'I'm in love with you.'**

"Alex?"

**'I'm in love with you.' **

"Daddy?"

(A/N: Yeah! I can start the next part … I think I'll use the one about Ellie and Sean first, but I'm not sure. I hope to be done with this by the end of summer because who knows how crazy next year will be for me. Thanks for reading AND REVIEWING! –NL)


	42. Part Three: Break Me

Break Me

-Ellie-

"Sean did this to you?" Marco asked me the next day of school. My nose was a little red and swollen and it really didn't look _that _bad, at least not to me.

"Yeah --"

"I'm sorry for blowing you off Ellie. You don't deserve this ... that jerk!" Marco spat out angrily as I tugged on my long-sleeved shirt, pulling it down to cover up the latest artwork I'd done on my arm with the lighter. It didn't feel good, but it felt better than actually feeling any _real _pain, like the kind of pain that was synonymous to Sean.

"I understand Marco. I've been a little too self-absorbed lately and if I had listened to you, this wouldn't be happening now." I smiled as I saw Sean's figure make its way into the hallway.

"The nerve of him actually showing his face today." Marco grunted as I wiped the smile from my face. I didn't know what to think or what to feel. All I knew was that I as stupid as it was ... I still loved him.

Looking at him, I tried to read an apology, guilt, love, something, but all I got was him looking past me and towards Blu. It was always Blu no matter what I did.

"Are you okay?" Alex wondered, catching up with us. Her and Marco hanging out over this whole student-government thing was freaking me out.

"What do you care?" I shot back, taking out my anger on her. He didn't even _glance _at me.

"I don't. I just want to know how you got the shiner." She pressed as I shrugged.

"I should be asking you the same thing." I pointed to the purple-black bruise on the right side of her nose.

"I'll catch you guys later." Alex readjusted her sunglasses, running away like a scared puppy. I knew that the best way to get to her was to throw back her curveballs.

"I should be going too." I turned the other way. I had to catch up with Sean and see what this was all about.

**'I will meet you in some place'**

* * *

-Sean-

"Look, I'm the one who's supposed to be giving you the silent treatment. You punched me remember?" Ellie pushed Blu aside as I kept walking down the hallway. What could I say to her? 'Sorry for punching you in the nose?'

"If you ask me, you probably deserved it." Blu shot back looking less than happy to see Ellie as I pulled her aside quickly.

"Look, we're not on that level. You don't know Ellie. You don't talk to her like that, go it?"

"Or you'll hit me too? Bring it on. I put a man in a hospital once." Blu threatened as I rolled my eyes. She was so full of bull shit that I never knew what was a lie and what was true. "Look, don't treat me like this Sean. Don't look at me like that." Her expression suddenly became vulnerable. I hated how I was still caught in the middle, even though I could never go back to Ellie--not with the drinking and the hitting.

"Can I have a moment with her?" I wondered as Blu shrugged.

"Why are you asking me? I'm not your girlfriend remember?" Blu flicked Ellie off before walking back to class. I would deal with her later.

"So ... we're talking then?" Ellie whispered softly as I justcontinued walking."So you're not even acknowledging me now? I should be mad at you. I don't even know where we are anymore, if I'm you're girlfriend ... or not ... but we HAVE to talk about what happened."

"I don't want to talk about it. I'm sorry, but that won't change it. Ellie, I hit you." I sighed, my head in my hands.

"I _know _which is why this is so hard. But, I mean can we really just throw away our history like that ... so quickly? And who am I going to get to share the rent?"

"So, we're okay?" I wondered, moving closer to her as Ellie backed away. She was afraid of me now. I freaked her out too, just like everyone else.

"I don't know. I just ... can't trust you like I used to. It's different now Sean. It'll always be different and I hate that." She explained softly.

**'Where the light lends itself to soft repose'**

"But you'll still talk to me at least? I mean Ellie, you know that wasn't me. That was the alcohol--"

"Which is why this is so hard. You know my mom's an alcoholic. That's why I moved out in the first place."

"If I promise you it won'tever happen again, will it change anything?" I asked, sighing.

"I _really _need to go." Ellie finished sadly, giving me a hug before turning away. What did that mean?

* * *

-Ellie-

The hot fire scarringmy soft skin, forever ... just like Sean. It was like he was ... apart of my veins, my every being. I hadn't talked to him in a week and it was the most alone I've ever felt in my life. I was almost considering going back to live with my mom. What did I have to lose?

"Hey Ellie have you seen..." Alex's voice trailed off as she watched me put out the flame, but it was too late. "What the hell are you doing? Are you stupid? Are you crazy!" Alex snatched the lighter from me. I desperately leap towards it, tripping over my own two feet.

"You have no right Alex. You have no right to judge."

"I don't, but Ms. Suave does." Alex walked out into the hallway as I pulled down my shirt sleeve and followed her.

"You wouldn't..." My voice trailed off as Sean came into view. Beautiful Sean, the person I'd been dreaming about everyday for a week.

"You tell him about this and that it's over and I won't." Alex handed me the lighter as I took Sean's arm and led him into an empty classroom.

"What's this about?" He wondered as I shrugged, taking his bookbag off and slipping the lighter into my messenger bag.

"I don't want to be alone." I sighed, inching towards Sean slowly, every part of my body shaking. I kissed him, pretending like he had never hit me. It worked. "It never happened. Let's erase it and forget." I whispered as Sean kissed me back, showing me that everything I was feeling--the longing, despair, boredom--all of it was what he was feeling too.

**'I will let you undress me but I warn you'**

Then and there we let go of all the baggage we had been carrying and returned back to a loving couple, even if it was just for a second.

"What happens now?" Sean wondered, kissing my neck softly.

"We go back to hating each other like everyone expects us to. But I want to see you again. Tonight?" I suggested as Sean nodded eagerly. The only bad thing about what I was planning was that I would have to figure out a way to hide my burnt skin. He would be bound to notice eventually.

**'I have thorns like any rose'**

* * *

-Sean-

"You look so somber today? What's wrong?" Blu wondered, completely catering to me, like she always did. It's like no matter how I treated her, she just wouldn't get it. I didn't want her in anything more than a sexual way and if things were beginning to shape up with Ellie then I wouldn't even need her for that.

"You said you didn't want to hear me say anything about Ellie so I'm keeping silent." She grimaced.

"Why did you hit her?" Blu probed, handing me a glass of wine.

"Because of this." I whispered after finishing the whole glass.

"You can't blameyourtemper on alcohol. It just releases your inhibitions. You should be able to control them. So it was you all along. What did she do?"

"Nothing, okay Blu?" I nearly screamed as she rolled her eyes and poured me another glass.

"Stop being such a girl about it and bitching over everything. You hit her. It's over. Deal with it." Blu smiled even though I could completely see behind it.

"I won't ever be with you," I said as her smile barely faltered.

"I don't want to you either I just want you to be here in case he ever comes back ... you know that lunatic called my father. You can do that, can't you?" Blu gave me that vulnerable look again, resting her head in my lap as I nodded. I attempted to hand her a drink, but she refused. "You drink it."

* * *

-Ellie-

As the doorbell rang,my heart started beating twice as fast. He was here and I didn't know what to do.

"Sean." I barely whispered as he smiled, making his way into 'our' place.

"You want to talk?." He offered, seeming a little out-of-it again.

"I don't want you to be with her anymore. I want you with me." I explained, touching his face carefully. People always talked about working out their relationship. That's what I intended to do--make it work.

"What does that mean?"

"I already told you that I forgave you and I do." I hugged him tightly. "But you're not the only one who's been ... unfaithful." I half-smiled not able to stop the plan that was unfolding in my mind. This was the only way I would know if he would ever hit me again. I had to say this to him. I had to know.

"Ellie?" Sean looked at me with disgust, holding onto my shoulders. "You've been sleeping around?" I looked away, mostly because I couldn't stand lying to him in the face. But I was getting better at it. He still didn't know about the burning. "Who is it?"

"What does it matter? We've both made mistakes, but we're back. You and me." I kissed him softly as Sean barely moved.

"Look, at least you know it was Blu. I have a right to know." Sean argued back.

"Fine." I scanned my brain for the first name to come to my mind. Marco, but he was gay. The other band members ... I never talked to Spinner and Craig had Manny-Ash drama. "Jimmy." I whispered. "It was Jimmy, but it's over now. It didn't mean anything." I touched Sean lightly as he pushed me away.

"Don't touch me Ellie. How could you ... Jimmy?"

* * *

-Sean-

I could feel my anger rising again and I didn't know how to handle it. Normally, I would go and hang out with Jay, but he was .. gone, forever. All the people I really cared about were starting to disappear. Blu was too depressed lately to be any fun and no other people came to mind.

"Sean, calm down. Stop being a jerk."

"You give me shit for sleeping around, but you're doing the same and I'm supposed to be okay with it? Ellie, how could you feed me all of that bull shit and cause all of that drama when you were being a hypocrite." She reached for me. "Don't touch me. I'm serious."

"Then go then you big loser. Go. You always run anyway. You hit me and then run because you're so hopelessly stupid--"

**'And you could hurt me'**

"Don't call me that. Ellie, I'm leaving." I threw my hands up in the air. I wasn't going to let history repeat itself, even if I was buzzed.

"No. You're not going anywhere." Ellie blocked my path, pushing me and basically reinacting ourlast fight.

"Stop pushing me away Ellie. I'm not going to give you a reason--" My sentence was cut off by a sharp pain in my jaw. "You want me to fight back? Fine." I pushed her until she fell onto the floor, bringing me down with her. Reaching for something sharp, Ellie pounded me on the back over and over again as I tried to pry myself from her and get out this. I kept telling myself that I wasn't going to hit her, I couldn't hit her.

**'With your bare hands'**

* * *

-Ellie-

**'You could hurt me'**

I could tell he was trying to hold back, but I kept hitting him and eventually he kept hitting me. As I reached for a something else to start hitting him with, Sean pulled on my left sleeve as it completely ripped off. I froze. My scars.

"Ellie. What the hell is this?" Sean lunged towards me, but I backed away. My entire body was throbbing, but my arm left like it was in flames again. I felt naked. "What are you doing to yourself Ellie? WHY are you doing this? I love you and I ..."

**'With with the sharp end of what you say'**

"Don't you start feeling sorry for me too. I don't need this."

"What do you need? Whatever you need, I'll do it. I promise. Just stop this. I thought it was over. Am I making it worse now?"

"I'm not talking about it. It never happened." I whispered as Sean swept me into his arms to embrace me. "You're the only thing that matters now, okay? Don't worry about me." I continued, finding myself drawn to him again. Whatever he could do to me wouldn't tear me away.

**'But I'm lost to you now'**

"Let me take care of--"

"No. Later." I led him towards my room, formerly _our _room for what I had been planning all along. This was all I wanted--us--to be together. Marco was all I had and he could never replace Sean. No one could.

**'And there's no amount of reason to save me.' **

* * *

-Sean-

I didn't know what I was doing when I kissed Ellie that way and let her rip my clothes off. I couldn't think. I didn't. I was still stuck on the burning. How could she hurt herself like that? Fessing up to it or not, I was the reason. And then there was Jimmy ... 'what else had she been hiding from me,' I wondered as Ellie sighed happily. She looked at me with that smile--the one that could break my heart into a million pieces, the one that I never wanted to go away.

"Are you okay?" She asked stroking my face lovingly.

**'So break me.'**

"Look at your face Ellie. I did that." I sighed, disappointed as she rolled over onto the other side of the bed on her side.

"I _made _you do it." She smirked. "And you aren't too untouched either. We both look like death." Ellie joked, playing with my stomach. That's when I noticed it again, her arm.

**'Take me.'**

"Let me help you at least with this." Jumping up, I rushed to get some warm water, bandages, and a wash cloth, not worrying about my naked body. As I hurried back, Ellie had pulled her hair back into a messy bun. She seemed so in control and was the only person I knew that could break me.

**'Just let me feel your arms again.' **

"I could get used to this." She smiled as I worked on her burn scars wrapping them up, afterwards fighting against the blue-black swelling and blood on her face. Ellie kissed me suddenly, moving on top of me. I never wanted this feeling to end but the doorbell rang.

**'Break me. I'll let you make me.' **

* * *

-Ellie-

"Leave it?" Sean begged, but I pulled on a big t-shirt and gave him an apologetic look.

**'Just let me feel your love again.' **

"It's probably the food I ordered." Still beaming over how rapidly everything changed, I rushed down the stairs with a goofy grin on my face. Perfection. That was the only way to describe this moment. I opened the door. It was Marco. "What are you doing here?"

"I'm keeping you company tonight, remember?"

"No. Did you plan this on your own?" I moved aside as Marco threw a duffel bag on the living room floor.

"Are you busy or something? Moving on from Sean?"

"Is that the pizza?" Sean yelled, making his way into the living room in nothing but boxers.

"Oh. I see." Marco looked at me accusingly, taking me aside. "Do you see what your face looks like Ellie? Do you honestly think this will get any better and that he'll stop hurting you--oh my ..." Marco's voice trailed off as he noticed the huge ass bangage on my arm. Great.

"I'm taking care of it." Sean stood by my side, wrapping his arm around my waist--where it belonged.

"I don't want you with him Ellie."

"It doesn't really matter what you want, does it Ellie?" Sean spoke up as I felt myself so confused. Marco would never let this go. He didn't understand what it meant to be in love like this. "Ellie's my finance now, and anyone that doesn't support us won't be a part of our lives anymore." He continued as I looked up at him in shock.

"I love you." I muttered, kissing him passionately as Marco backed away.

**'Kiss me once.'**

"Ellie ..."

"I'm okay. I promise." I waved him out of the room as Sean and I continued kissing, like I said perfection.

**'Well, maybe twice. Oh it never felt so nice.' **

Perfection. That's what it always was to me ... even the next day and the day after when we started fighting over minuscule things which usually turned into physical fights. I would tell him what he was doing wrong, he would threaten to leave.

**'So break me. Take me. Just let me'**

Then, I'd start throwing stuff at him, he'd slap me, I'd punch him, and we'd wrestle to the ground. This was almost daily, but I could stand this.

**'Feel your arms again.'**

At school, people would always give us looks--mostly me. Sometimes we wouldn't talk about it until the next day at school where they'd be a big blow-out with Blu somehow involving herself in our drama.

**'Break me. Make me. Just let me feel your arms again.'**

We always made up though, which was the best part. It didn't matter if we were at school or not. Love knows no boundaries ... and neither does sex. Most of the time, we didn't use protection but married-couples-to-be didn't need it.

**'Just let me feel your love again.' **

(A/n: I need to change/fix my writing style or maybe I just need to move on from Degrassi fics. I don't know, but this song idea came to me when I was half-asleep. The song was in my head and I just thought about Ellie and Sean. I was going to do a third set of stories, but this one and with "Breathe (2am)" might be it. --NL)


	43. Polly

Polly

JT ran after me … I walked out on Craig. It all seemed so long ago, one, two, three days? Weeks? I began counting my mind. It would make this better and curb the fear of saying anything.

Anything at all could lead to another bruise like the one already across my left cheek.

I couldn't look at my mother. I just couldn't. This was my fault. I ratted her out. I told these killers where she were … our cover was blown and no one was going to save us. When they found my dad, they'd probably kill him—and us.

"Tell us where he is and we'll be easy on you." One of the guys chuckled, poking at the white top he was wearing. White … didn't the bad guys always wear black? I didn't know what to think anymore.

'**Polly wants a cracker.'**

"I don't know." My mother bit her lip and looked away. They had already cut her flawless face and the three guys were walking closer to her. A feeling of dread passed me and intensified when one of the guys began to rip off her pants.

'**I think I should get off her first.'**

"No. Don't!" I yelled as my mother kept silent.

"Tell us where he is lady." The same guy probed still playing with the knife.

"I kno--"

"Manuela. No. Don't. Just look away baby." My mom said to me using a Philippine dialect with tears in her eyes. Her tone was frighteningly stoney and cold.

"But I--"

"I can handle this. They're already made up their minds." She finished as I closed my eyes and tried to drown out her muffled screams. I couldn't. Even though I wasn't looking, I could only imagine what those monsters were doing to her.

I wished that my hands would magically free themselves from the rope around the chair and that I could somehow muster up the strength to fight these guys and _kill _if need be.

'**I think she wants some water.'**

"Ready for round two?" A curly-haired guys snickered as I glanced over at my mother. Blood was everywhere. They had cut her again and only God knew where…

"Please!" I yelled in her defense, anything to get them to stop. I had to help my mom. But all I did was mess up the situation even more. I made it worse, by what I did next.

"Would you shut it doll face? You're next."

'**To put out the blow torch.'**

"I- I'll tell you where he is--"

"No Manuela. No--" Mom's voice was cut off by a swift blow to the head. Now it was just me and them, face to face.

"Just stop hurting her, and us, please." I begged. They were coming closer. I panicked. I was going to give them a false lead, but looking at what they did to my mom, I knew they were serious.

We could all _die. _"He-He's …" Muttering the last past of the sentence, I betrayed everyone. I told where he was, all just to save us. As they sent guys out to find my dad, I reminded myself that we were in the Witness Protection Program. They would come and find us and help us.

'**It isn't me.'**

I remembered the red-headed woman who had lead the operation, Whitney. She would bring in the team … just like we practiced. When I heard the door jiggling open hours, days, weeks later, I thought it was them. I was sooo convinced, but it was my father. My unconscious father was being dragged towards us, and I had turned him in.

"Mom, at least they've stopped hurting you. They'll let us go, right?" I asked later. The silence of this place was getting to me more than the screams had earlier.

"Wrong Manuela. It's over for all of us. They don't just want you'r father. We know what they look like now. Even if we do escape …" Her voice trailed off when the door opened and one of the younger guys walked in.

"Breakfast?" He held up two bowls unsurely.

'**I have some seed.'**

"I don't want any." Mom grumbled as he moved over to me. If she wasn't going to eat, I didn't want to either but—

"I know you're hungry." He moved the bowl closer to my face.

"You guys are evil. Look what you did to my mother and you keeping us here hostage. And you want me to eat? Forget it." I proclaimed although my words had very little effect on what would actually happen.

"Whoa girl. Are you going to eat this or not?" He joked as I glanced at my mom. She wasn't looking at me, but I knew she was listening. I knew that I should've followed her lead,

'**Let me clip your dirty wings.'**

"I can't starve right?" I whispered as I caught mom glancing at me with dismay. Not what I was hoping, but I had a plan. "So, how'd you get involved in this?"

"In what?"

"The killing business? Doesn't it make you feel bad to do that? How do you look yourself--"

"I don't kill people." He responded as the mood instantly changed.

"Well how does it feel knowing that my father's about to be your first victim? Don't you feel horrible about it?"

"Max! Enough messing around. Get up here. We have a mission for you." His long, brown hair swished back and forth as he ran up to where the other guy was … Tony or something like that. Everyday felt like the day before.

'**Let me take a ride.'**

"Max?" I mumbled to myself.

"Max!" I found myself saying everyday after with an almost hint of excitement. Not much seemed to be happening and as of right now, my dad was okay. I still had to get that plan to work.

"Manny, hungry?" He handed me the cold bowl of mushy food and a small granola bar as my expression lightened up. It wasn't exactly a smile, but it was further away from a frown.

"Are you trying to fatten me up now, get me ready for the kill?"

**'Don't hurt yourself. I want some help to help myself.'**

"I'm on your side Manny. I didn't do anything to your mother--"

"And I appreciate that Max, but you didn't exactly stop it. You just let it happen and what am I supposed to do now, just wait? I can't do that. I can't die here."

"You're not asking what I think you're asking." Max turned away turning his head to one side as his hair followed.

**'I've got some rope. You have been told.'**

"Max, think about it. You're my friend right? You're the only person who can save us. I know you have some connections or something … just make a slip up something subtle. Get us out of here and don't die in the process." My voice cracked on the last part. This whole identifying with the killer was tripping me out, but it was happening. It had already started before either of my parents were dragged into this mess.

"I can't help--"

"Please. You owe me." I begged, motioning for him to come closer. I could do this. I could make this work and I could—"You kissed me."

**'I promise you I have been true. Let me take a ride.'**

"Yeah, I'm--"

"That means you'll do it, right? You'll help save us?" I wondered, giving him another kiss to seal the deal.

"Mom, aren't you proud of me? We're gonna get out of here." I whispered the next night. Max had moved fast. He was going to hint to someone where we were and they would find us … before they had a chance to torture and kill my dad.

**'Don't hurt yourself. I want some help to help myself.' **

"Yeah. You're a genius." She muttered, rolling her eyes. "Manuela you know it is not that easy. Nothing is ever that--"

"Do you hear that?" I interrupted, motioning for her to get quiet.

"I KNOW what you're planning on doing Max. Don't do it. It's stupid, especially over some chick." One of the guys began as I exchanged glances with my mom. They knew.

"I never said I would do anything Dave. I was just talking.'

"And you know where talking gets you. We're in a serious business here Max. Either you want to be here cuz or don't." The guy paused. "And if you don't, there's a line of men willing to take you out to get your place."

"Tony, Dave, it's cool. I promise. I know how things are."

"Good. Don't let us find out about anymore talk all right?" One of the guys spoke out again as the door closed. This was looking bad. Max was going to betray me, just like everyone else.

"Be prepared for the worst Dave. If he backstabs us, you know what we'll have to do."

"Kill him." I whispered to myself. I had to warn Max and find out what he was going to do, but if we could hear them, they could hear everything we said too. Would any of us make it out of here alive?

**'Polly wants a cracker.'**

I thought Max could help us, but now I see that he was just as trapped as I was. He wasn't in control. _They _made up the rules to this game.

"Manny."

**'Maybe she would like more food.'**

"Max." I choked out. Could he tell that I knew that he wasn't on our side?

"Why are you being so quiet?"

"My throat hurts." I lied. "Can you not be so loud? My head's bothering me too."

"Okay. How's this instead?" Max kissed me suddenly as I tried not to pull away. It was awkward knowing all that I knew and hurtful that he wasn't who I wanted him to be.

"Are you gonna save us this time or not?" I blurted out, crossing my legs away from him. Being strapped to this chair was a killer.

"What do you mean? I said I would."

"You said it, but have you done anything yet? We're the FBI or the police? Who's coming for us or did you just lie about that?"

**'She asks me to untie her.'**

"I wouldn't do that Manny--"

"I heard you talking. I know what you said. You're humoring me." I struggled to keep my voice low and by this time I didn't know if what I had heard was real or if I had imagined it. It was so hard to tell these days.

"Look, forget what you heard." He whispered in my ear. "We're gonna get out of here."

"When?" I asked back, tears brimming my eyes.

"You just wait and watch."

"I trust you." I responded back giving him another kiss, maybe the last kiss I'd ever give to someone for the rest of my life. With a swift move, he loosened the rope around my hands and without a glance, moved over to my mom's restraints. Max was serious.

"Mom, please don't be mad at me." I begged. She didn't even have to say anything to me. Just one look and I knew that I was an embarrassment to the family, that I didn't even deserve to carry the last name Santos.

She would never said it, like dad would, but I could still feel it. I couldn't let it be this way.

"I'm sorry I … didn't say something sooner before they--"

"Don't say it. No one was to blame. We won't talk about this here." She answered sharply.

"But when?"

"When this is a distant memory and we're all sitting on the couch watching a movie."

"Like we used to." I added with a smile, the first smile I'd cracked since being held captive here. "I love you mom. We'll get out of this." I promised her as she looked at me for the first time, really in my life. She was depending on me.

The door burst open as a crew of guys bounded in, dragging my father along with them, pushing them to his knees.

'**A chase would be nice for a few.'**

"Daddy!" I screamed frantically trying to free myself from the chair. Mom looked at me suddenly, her eyes flashing with worry. "Please don't hurt him."

"Hurt him? We've already done that little girl." One of the guys grinned as the others followed his lead. I searched the crowd for Max, but I couldn't find his brown wavy hair anywhere.

**'Polly says her back hurts.'**

"Looking for Maxie? We caught him trying to sell us out, for you." Another guy chimed in as Max was brought in on cue.

"What are you going to do to them?" I wondered, hoping that for once my common sense would fail me. "You have no reason to hurt any of us. Just let us go."

**'And she's just as bored as me.'**

"Shut it. Daddy's first." The first guy spoke up again as I yanked my body as far away from the chair as I could, freeing myself. Immediately, I ran towards my dad, but immediately guns were pointed at his head. I looked over at my mom, who was in the same predicament.

**'She caught me off guard.'**

"Now, who will you choose, mommy or daddy?" The man continued as I counted the number of men on each side. I was closer to dad, but mom had less men around her. I didn't know if I could make either, but I was going to try and save them both.

**'It amazes me, the will of instinct.' **

"Mom," I said but ran towards my dad. I knew her hands were probably untied by now too. I reached for him and instantly gun shots were fired. I tried to protect him and blocked them with my body, but he knocked me to the ground and within seconds, I felt his limp body fall over mine.

Pinned to the ground, I tried to move and see if I could salvage the damage I'd caused. Mom had to be alive. She had to. Staying as low as I could to the ground, I began to wriggle myself away from my dad, but stopped upon hearing guns.

**'We have some seed. Let me clip your dirty wings.'**

Shots were being fired back and forth and soon an eerie silence ended the battle. I felt two hands lift me up as I could see the real consequences of what I'd done first hand. Blood was everywhere, my dad was no longer there, and the world didn't exist to me anymore. "Daddy. Are you—He's dead isn't he!" I screamed with a regret I'd never felt in my life.

"Is mom here? Where is she?" I wondered, staggering over her unmoving body. Maybe I'd be able to keep her. She wouldn't leave me, but I couldn't tell if she was dead or alive, but I couldn't take it. Someone else had to have made it. "Max?" I yelled. "Max!"

"Manny!" He smiled, running towards me and scooping me into his arms, but this bittersweet moment was forever ruined by what happened next. Max slipped out of my arms, falling to his knees. I followed his lead as the people who rescued me shot at the guy who got a hit off of Max.

'**Let me take a ride. Don't hurt yourself.'**

"You're okay. You're fine." I reassured Max, holding him close to me. He was the only one I knew of that was still alive. "You can't leave me." I whispered, tears brimming in my eyes. "I can't process what I've done. I've killed everyone."

"Watch out." My rescuers brought in some rolling beds and body bags. Body bags, for my mom, my dad, and now Max—

'**I want some help.'**

"We've got a live one." A woman informed me as I heard a soft grunt. It was a woman.

"Mom?" Hope filled my thoughts. Dad might make it too, and Max. They were good people and good people didn't die … like this.

**'To help myself.' **

(A/N: It took me forever to write this one … probably because I don't know all the lyrics to this song. I think I'm going to use 2am/Breathe next and see where it goes from there … plus, I'm planning on using "Name," "Where'd You Go", and "It's All Coming Back to Me Now." Do you love it? –NL)


	44. Farewell

Farewell

"You're not supposed to be in the hospital bed. That's my move, remember?" JT joked as I sat up, so suddenly aware of how I looked. If It matched how stupid I felt, then there was no fixing it.

'**How can I ask love to hold the mystery?'**

"It's just some stupid mistake. I'm fine." Spitting out those words were now second nature to me. I figured out how to make people believe I had self-confidence and knew where I was going, but I was so unsure of everything now. I could convince everyone else, but not myself anymore, not my dad either.

"You blacked out in front of me." He argued as I shrugged. Maybe I wasn't foolin anyone anymore. It wasn't the first time this happened—just the first time he found out, since Manny's arrival and kidnapping.

"My parents are making me see a psychologist, but no one knows that now, not with my dad's campaign and all."

"That's really serious."

**'When just look at me.'**

"If only people knew the real dirt behind out 'perfect family.' Politics are really deceiving." I continued, ignoring talking about me, anything to JT reasoned as I gave him a look. I was the most together person in the family, with just a minor setback.

"How many times has it happened before?"

"The politics thing?"

"You blacking out." He looked at me seriously. JT serious? I never thought I'd see the day.

"It happens to everyone. I read that somewhere. It's completely natural." I covered, brushing it off. Dwelling on the past just brought people down. Look at Dorothy Dandridge and how she fell apart because she lived too little in the present.

"Funny. I've never heard of it."

'**It's a push and pull collateral.' **

"I'm taking this head on." I reassured him, getting serious about my 'problem' for the first time since he arrived. But, it really wasn't a problem just a temporary road block.

"That's good." He cut in.

"May I finish? I don't know if you have the answers for me anymore." I continued, fast forwarding to the hard part.

"Me? I've never had them. You do."

"But I don't anymore JT and neither do 'we.'"

"Don't dump me in a hospital. It's embarrassing." JT begged, more helpless and pathetic than when he had that idiotic suicide attempt.

"I'm not making that decision—yet. And if I get my way on this whole thing, I won't be gracing Toronto with y drama anymore."

"Not Miss I'm-Ready-to-Take-on-the-World. You know what you want Liberty. Don't be afraid of it"

"I'm not afraid of anything. Now, if you would move out of my way, I could get going and get out of this hospital." Our gazes met, mostly because I realized that JT had not budged. "Please go before you ruin what's left of our friendship."

'**I don't want to be the one who gets the next surprise.'**

"Friendship? Aren't we still on the relationship train?" JT wondered in total sincerity. "Don't dump me in a hospital. It's embarrassing." He protested as I looked at the floor, unable to make a clear decision, and it was killing me.

"I'm not making this decision—yet/ And if I get my way on this whole thing, I won't be gracing Toronto with my drama anymore." I whispered, silently waiting for a response.

""With as screwed up as you and dad have made me…" My voice trailed off as I watched JT's reaction.

"Me? How?"

"Two words, sort of—Manny Santos."

'**I'll plan it out this time.' **

"First girlfriend."

"Two more words, goodbye JT."

'**Though I used to think that things were meant to be.' **

"How can I talk to dad about anything?" I sighed with Danny sitting beside me on the couch.

"Use my method—don't. He's busy with his own campaign. Just wait until he's through … unless you want to get a heart attack." Danny smiled to himself. I followed his suit. We were sitting down, like real human beings, and _not _bickering like children.

"I wish he would listen to me for once."

"Who would listen?" Dad popped into the living room, suitcase in hand as usual. He had a knack for catching the tail end of a conversation and trying to join in on it.

"Dad, what are you doing back?" I asked relieved that he only heard the end of what I had been complaining about.

**'So farewell to the old me.' **

"Big news on the campaign. Let's celebrate." He offered, jovially scooping up Danny, and then me into a dance/hug thing. While I reveled in my dad's rare periods of gladness, I had huge thoughts of darkness on my mind. Years of pent up everything was leading up to the moment where I'd lose it and pop, but I was still battling to control it, harness it, and release it in a way that didn't make me look like a rambling lunatic.

"Daddy, can we talk first?" I asked, sighing deeply.

**'Farewell to the old me.' **

"Uh-oh." He joked, sitting beside me, with his arm around my back. "Sure." Danny shrugged, lingering a little while before leaving to go do whatever mindless act of trouble he was thinking of engaging in.

"Here." I pushed a brochure into his hands.

"An all girls school? What is this Liberty? This is not apart of the plan we thoroughly talked about and discussed."

"Danny doesn't have a plan that's been edited and checked by you. I want to go to this school and live with Aunt Phoebe." I paused. "I'll be close still … less than an hour away and I can completely cope with living away from you all."

"Whatever's going on with you honey … the doctors have your record on hold for me. No one has to know about your little episode. I need the family together, especially during my campaign. I been working my entire life for this." Dad answered sternly as though we had concluded conversing.

"It _is _your life." I spate out bitterly. When would he get it?

"Excuse me?"

"They said I was bulimic dad, that I had anorexic tendencies and my habits were killing my baby." I repeated, more like quoted, what the doctor said to me a few weeks earlier.

"Baby. Nonsense. We took you to that doctor after that thing with JT happened. You don't want kids. Ever, remember?" He hugged me tightly, as if that would be comforting to remember how I was forced to give up my first born, my son. As a foolish fifteen year old I had said those words.

I didn't want anymore children because they would all be a reminder of the first, whose umbilical cord had been prematurely cut, before any sort of connection between the two of us had been established and engrained in the both of us.

**'My life'**

Instead, I had run away from a so-called 'problem,' a 'mistake' which was really the thing that made me see life as it was. I knew what it meant to live because of that baby. Pain never killed so badly, sadness so sweet, happiness so clear and untouched … all taken away. I tuned back into what my father was saying, which was inevitably a bunch of selfish, self-righteous bull shit.

"How am I supposed to depict the perfect, Canadian family when you're knocked up **again** and unmarried? That's ludacris."

"Reality. It's reality." I exclaimed. "You caused this. I won't be a hypocrite. I'm not that easy."

"What's so hypocritical about success and achieving a higher status in life, making more money? We all want it. Think Harvard. You'd be the daughter of an alumni … but there's always Yale, Brown, or Rice if you want to go another route. They're the best." He smiled proudly. "Heck, Oxford blows all of them out of the water."

"I can't go. I _need _help." I explained once again, hoping he'd finally get it. We were so on different paths and not getting each other.

"You start sessions Thursday." Dad shrugged if off as though that was the answer to the many questions I was throwing him.

"I've been talking with Ms. Sauve about my options. This is the best one I can think of." I reinforced my feelings, motioning towards the paper I handed him earlier.

"We're a happy family."

"You and mom are seconds away from a divorce." I spoke bluntly.

"Play the role, then. You always wanted to try theatre. Here's your chance. I really don't care what it takes as long as everyone does their part." He stood up suddenly, bored with our talk already.

"I guess that woman will be the maid or the secretary. She'll blend right in with the family. They're always the ones who encourage the affairs in the movies."

**'is working better now.'**

"Liberty van Zant." He threw out a threatening tone, but only this time I didn't care.

"Did that cult group put you up to this? They always find out the truth … the media … How can you pretend we're perfect when you don't even know who I am? What would you say about me when the camera turns to your broken offspring." I could feel my adrenaline rising. This is what I'd always wanted to say.

"You're a pretentious brat and I won't have it. Tomorrow we'll set up a restraining order against that James York. These are all his ideas anyway."

"No dad. I care about him."

"Anyone can have sex Liberty." He shook his head in disgust.

"He wanted to live with me and do things right, remember? When he could afford it, JT was gonna get me a ring. We were gonna do things right."

'**It's always changing anyhow.'**

"You don't get second or third chances to do it right. It's either right from jump or wrong." Dad shrugged, suddenly changing dispositions. "Let's go. The press is expecting us."

"What? No. Tell them you have no daughter. I died. Whatever." I threw up my hands to show I was done with this. I wasn't my father's daughter anymore, but Liberty, my own person. "I'm not going."

**'Farewell to the old me.' **

"Yes you are, even if I have to drag you out. You are going Liberty."

"Touch me and I'll call the police on you. Then, everyone will get to see what the press says about you then. You'd make those headlines just like you want." Defeated, my dad said nothing.

**'Farewell to the old me.'**

He just looked at me, but a look can mean more than a million dirty words. I knew our relationship, already frail and fragmented, no longer existed. I would definitely have to leave now. There was no turning back.

I thought about getting something to eat to celebrate this new Liberty and power I had over my dad, but decided against it. Packing is what I needed to do. As the phone rang, I started to get it but changed my mind. It was JT. Let the machine get it.

** 'Farewell**.'

(A/N: So, here's the deal … I'm going to be busy for a while … to busy to update, but I will keep typing out these chapters so that when I return they'll be a ton of chapters for you to read. I'm uploading a snippet of the next part and am running out of ideas FOR THE GUY CHARACTERS so help me out if you have ideas. Thanks for reviewing! –NL)


	45. Chapter Previews

PREVIEW OF UPCOMING PARTS…

Too Late

"You think you know anything about me? You're such a loser Will! Go and be his little lap dog because I don't care," I heard Blu respond relaxed and coolly, a little too cool.

"You okay?" I wondered, walking into the room where I could see Will taking off.

"Am I a lunatic? Was it so wrong that I almost killed him? If I'm lucky, he might even die." She joked as I gave her a hug. "That's totally evil isn't it?"

"Thanks for letting me see my brother." I said to Nanako. It was weird being around her after knowing that she was just using me for inheritance. I felt guilty being a part of her scheme, but after hearing the real story behind my birth, I didn't feel so bad.

"What was I going to say, no? You get back safely brat, you hear?" Nanako demanded, seeing me off on the plane. I couldn't wait.

No Bravery

I hopped into the tank with the other guys, trying not to think about what I was doing. What was I doing here? How did I get here? A killer. That's what I was.

Recent Palestinian-Israeli conflict was escalating and now we were out to stop the perpetrators, no matter what the cost.

Back up called for us and we followed them. Orders were to stop them at all costs. When we arrived, all I saw were a couple of little kids, but they were usually the ones who were given the bombs.

'**There are children standing here, arms outstretched into the sky'**

It was either them or someone was setting us up. As one of the boys rose his arms, the men next to us fired saying that it was a grenade. I knew the protocol.

'**Tears drying on their face'**

Without thinking about what I was doing or waiting to find out what their agenda was, I followed the captain's orders, shooting one of the little boys square in the chest. Looking at me with accusing eyes, his expression turned to shock then pain and finally nothingness as his face met the light sand.

'**He has been here.' **

That world didn't even seem to exist anymore. I could barely remember anyone's face or my life before this. My life was like this everyday—going to bed and praying to be awake the next night, going on secret missions, killing any and everyone, taking prisoners.

'**Brothers lie in shallow graves. Fathers lost without a trace.'**

I felt like a monster, but I couldn't stop what I was doing. I wasn't the one in control anymore. Shrugging it off, I looked down at the letter my mom had sent me. Actually, it was really just filled with words from Kendra. Mom had nothing to say to me. What would she say when she found out I was a killer?

But, I was here to do good … We were trying to contain the conflict and stop it from making headlines, but things were getting worse and worse.

'**A nation blind to their disgrace since he has been here.' **

Deliver Me

"Enough with the cliques. I'm just sick of you complaining all the time. What were you thinking with JT? What were you thinking with Spinner or Craig or Jimmy."

"You know I'm not with Jimmy." Manny responded softly, ignoring the part about Craig.

"Oh, but you want to. Just don't make the same mistake you did with Craig and then run to me to fix your problems."

"You were never there for me to run to. You're so caught up in your own sexcapades that I can't … forget it. See you outside." She brushed past me with tears in her eyes as I sighed. Great. More drama that is Manny.

For a second, I thought about what I was thinking. The real reason that I was on Manny's case in the first place was because it obscured the real problem—me. Who expects to go from the top of the world to having everyone talk about you to losing the guy who ruined your rep in the first place?

And to think … Jay was HIV positive. Positive. He never once said a word to me. He just kept getting sick, but he wouldn't give me any answers.

Now, I'm left with so many questions … like if he really cared about me at all. Alex's outburst at the funeral showed just how complex those two were … and I was beginning to think how much better things would've been for everyone if that bullet had hit me instead, right in the middle of the forehead.

"Emma."

"What do you want Toby?"

"I'm saving you. I came back into the burning building to--"

"Save it. Everyone knows it's just another false alarm like we've been having all week. I'll be out in a second." I forced myself to continue moving, unaware that I had stopped in the first place. When would this day end and would I ever stop feeling like this?

Mom's sleeping pills … Spike's pills … oh, the things I could do with these, the havoc I could cause, the hearts I could break. Best of all, I wouldn't have anyone to answer to. Tossing the bottle between my hands, I started to think about how everyone would react.

I'd really be the talk of Degrassi, but I wouldn't have to hear their whispers and stares … the ones that had begun to intensify again since Jay's burial.

"Emma …" I jumped hearing a voice, but seeing nothing. I was really starting to lose it.

"Emma…"

"Sean?"

Hotel Paper

"I came to you because I thought you would understand. I know you lost your mom this year and--"

"I don't want to talk about this Manny. This is … strange. You never talk to me. Why now? Why not Craig? He's lost a dad _and _a mom." Jimmy responded feeling even more alone than before. I thought sharing this with someone else would make me feel better, but I guess it only worked when the other person cared.

I sighed. "Craig is excess baggage, a million page novel in himself. I can't talk to him … or anyone. Because this is my fault. If I hadn't told them where he was, they would've never found my dad and …" I stopped. I couldn't say it, but I thought about it non-stop. "Forget it. I'm fine."

"No Manny I--"

"I don't need some knight in shining armor to save me. I just wanted

Breathe

I still wasn't over it even though I totally should have been. The thing with Matt and me was COMPLETELY over and there was nothing I could say or do to save it or stop him from doing time. Dean had played me and even worst of all was that I let myself believe him. But how could I fix things with Matt? I'd replayed every scenario over and over in my mind. Could I really do it? Could I actually visit Matt or would that be the worst idea and disaster ever?

As I tried to figure out a way out of this mess, my cell phone began to vibrate. "What time is it?" I sighed to myself. 2am. It was Hazel.

**'2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake'**

"Paige, I can't do this." She cried, her voice still shaking.

"Hazel what are you talking about? I thought you had everything under control." I sighed, seriously worried. Hazel _never _called in tears.

**'"Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?'"**

"A single parent? I can't do it. I wish I could take back all I said to Jimmy. I should have lied to him.Paige, I can't do it ... I'm scared ...everyone but my parentsknow the whole story."

**'"I don't love him. Winter just wasn't my season"'**

"What do you want to do?"

"I have to get rid of it." Hazel whispered, crying hysterically as I said whatever I could to make her feel better. "My aunt went through the same thing. She and my uncle ... they'll help me out ..." She explained after calming down. Hazel seemed okay now, buthow was she going to ever be okay with the fact that she killed her first child?

"And you're sure you want to do this?" I asked Hazel the next morning as she looked back at her sister, Naia,and then nodded unsurely. Her eye lashes were wet with fresh tears and she could barely stand to look me in the eye. "You don't have to be ashamed Hazel. I will love you no matter what. You're my best friend." I hugged her tightly close to tears myself.

**'Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes'**

"I can't do this Paige." Hazel whispered, her sister nudging her forward.

"You have to Hazel. You're lucky our parents don't know about this yet." Naia urged. "You don't even have to worry about paying for it. Uncle Sayid is taking care of it. We're all counting on you to do the right thing."

"You're right." Hazel forced a so-called smile, which looked more like a grimace than anything else.

"Come on." I hooked my arm into hers, trying to find out what was really going on here. "If you don't want to do this, we'll leave." I whispered as Naia struggled to keep with us. Hazel flashed me a look that said she had no choice.

"I want you to meet my aunt and uncle ... and my other sister." Hazel introduced me, not looking any of them in the eye.

**'Like they have any right at all to criticize.'**

"Hazel. You know there is no other way." Her uncle pressed as Hazel's aunt stood quiet, her watching eyes judging. She was the aunt Hazel had told her about earlier.

'**Hypocrites. You're all here for the very same reason' **

I spent the rest of the morning trying to convince Hazel to follow her own feelings, but she was being pressured by so many people, that she went into the room anyway. I knew it was over. I knew that things would never be the same between us and--

**'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable**

Maybe Monday

Being in Japan with Nanako was like being on another universe. Everyone seemed so busy and the city streets were always crowded.

I was glad to be here though. I hadn't seen my parents yet, but I knew they would be glad to see me. Why wouldn't they? But there was one person back in Toronto that I wished I could've taken with me—Chester.

I was crushing on him and hard, but there was nothing that we could do. I felt like I was a million miles away from him and stranded. I knew a few kids here already, but I never felt like doing anything—except calling up Liberty, Nadia, _and _Chester.

"Hey." I whispered, after dialing his number.

"Hey." Chester responded as silence followed.

"So, what are you up to?"

"I'm at the skate park."

"So you don't suck like you used to?"

"You helped me out, remember Kenny?"

"Getting sappy on me already? I knew you were a wimp."

"You know I don't do the emotional chick thing Kenny. Too complex. And I know you're into me." Chester explained as I brushed it off. How did he know when I hadn't even said anything?

"I like you, but not that way." I shot back with the typical guy response. Having an older brother did have its perks.

"That hurts." He joked back as I forced a laugh. It wasn't too hard. I faked it all the time. It was easier to just do what everyone expected than to do what you wanted. What would I look like if I told him that I didn't want to do all this playing around anymore? Needy, clingy girls bothered me and I wasn't going to become one of them.

I'm also playing around with using the songs Ex-Factor, Fefe's 'Take Me Away,' 'Where'd You Go,' 'Name,' 'Criminal,' and 'It's All Coming Back.' Any suggestions? Speak up!


	46. No Bravery

(A/N: Before you read this, Kendra has found her biological sister and Spinner is in the military.)

No Bravery

I hopped into the tank with the other guys, trying not to think about what I was doing. What was I doing here? How did I get here? A killer. That's what I was.

Recent Palestinian-Israeli conflict was escalating and now we were out to stop the perpetrators, no matter what the cost.

Back up called for us and we followed them. Orders were to stop them at all costs. When we arrived, all I saw were a couple of little kids, but they were usually the ones who were given the bombs.

**'There are children standing here, arms outstretched into the sky'**

It was either them or someone was setting us up. As one of the boys rose his arms, the men next to us fired saying that it was a grenade. I knew the protocol.

**'Tears drying on their face'**

Without thinking about what I was doing or waiting to find out what their agenda was, I followed the captain's orders, shooting one of the little boys square in the chest. Looking at me with accusing eyes, his expression turned to shock then pain and finally nothingness as his face met the light sand.

**'He has been here.' **

"Good job Gavin." One of the other recruits slapped me on the back in congratulations. I forced myself to smile, but my eyes had to give it away. I wasn't sure how I ended up here or even how I was going to get out of this. I missed out on graduating this year for this. I had two years of active duty now and four more after going to college.

That world didn't even seem to exist anymore. I could barely remember anyone's face or my life before this. My life was like this everyday—going to bed and praying to be awake the next night, going on secret missions, killing any and everyone, taking prisoners.

**'Brothers lie in shallow graves. Fathers lost without a trace.'**

I felt like a monster, but I couldn't stop what I was doing. I wasn't the one in control anymore. Shrugging it off, I looked down at the letter my mom had sent me. Actually, it was really just filled with words from Kendra. Mom had nothing to say to me. What would she say when she found out I was a killer?

But, I was here to do good … We were trying to contain the conflict and stop it from making headlines, but things were getting worse and worse.

**'A nation blind to their disgrace since he has been here.' **

* * *

"Gavin, Captain needs to see you." Derick let me know, as I woke up in a sweat. The faces, that's all I could see.

"Captain?" I entered apprehensively. My uncle always intimidated me. "Gavin. Sit down." I did so reluctantly as the captain continued. "You seem … out of it son." "I'm fine." I reassured him. "I will finish my time." "I'm not saying you won't, but … listen to me son … I can't have you going back to Linda all ghost-like and what-not. I'm giving you an early leave. You go say hi to my sister for me, you hear?" "No! Captain … I'm _fine_." I replied, wanting to avoid their questioning eyes. Poor Kendra hadn't talked to me since Nanako took her away. "Look, I won't tell you again. Git! Pack! Go boy!" He yelled, the bass in his voice booming. "Yes sir." I muttered, following his command like a little robot. This was what they had trained me for—to take orders, not to think just do. ** 'Houses burnt beyond repair. The smell of death is in the air.'**

* * *

"Gavin, I heard it's your last day here … for a while." Derick began as someone yelled 'lucky son of a bitch' in the background. "Yeah, so?" "We have some fun planned." Derick continued, taking me down to the prisoner's camp. "I know you've been out of it a little, but we've got a good surprise for you … 

* * *

-Fareeza- "Mom, what's the matter?" I wondered. This was the time I'd been in the house all day in a bit. Hugging me tightly, she continued to cry. "Is dad here? Is it dad?" My voice rose with concern. **'A woman weeping in despair says, He has been here.'** "No. It's your cousin Ahmed." "Ahmed? What could've happened to him? He's such a good kid. I miss him." I smiled small-ly. "Is it serious?" "Fareeza, h-he … he's gone." The whole world stopped as I became numb to the words that followed. "He was shot … Canadian forces were sent over to help and he go in the cross-fire. They think he was one of the bombers." ** 'Tracer lighting up the sky. It's another families' turn to die.'** "Are they crazy? He was a kid, barely thirteen." I whispered, holding onto mom tighter and tighter. "Are you sure mom? I can't believe…" I froze again. **  
** "I wish it weren't true. I need you to be strong for me honey, pray with me." I nodded, following her lead stiffly. Ahmed. Gone. ** 'A child afraid to even cry out says He has been here.'**

* * *

-Spinner- "A woman? You brought a woman to me. Thanks guys." I muttered sarcastically with a sneer. "That's really going to help." "She's more than just that." Jacobs began. "She's yours." "What?" "Take her. Go on Gavin." Derick pushed me towards her as the woman looked up at me in fear. Her face had already been bruised and the smell of blood was in the air. ** 'There are children standing here, arms outstretched into the sky'** "Are you kidding? She's filthy!" I yelled back, after looking her over. I was never planning on having her anyway and that was the best I could come up with. "Don't be stupid Gavin. No one will know. She doesn't even speak English." Jacobs began. "If it makes you feel better, we were saving her for you. No one's touched her … yet." "Count me out." I began to walk away as the two guys pulled me back. ** 'But no one asks the question why, He has been here.'** "Just take a look at her." Jacobs began undoing her robe as the woman struggled and started screaming in a language that I only knew a few words of. "Shut her up." He demanded as Derick gagged her and tied something around her mouth. "Would you look at that?" Derick grinned as the woman was fully exposed. "Now you would never know that gorgeous body was hidden underneath all of those layers. I don't get how she can wear all that in the heat." He gave me a push. "You first, then us." ** 'Old men kneel and accept their fate.'** "Guys." "Don't tell me you're a fag." Jacobs shook his head in disappointment. "She's a nobody. Prisoners have no rights. She's nothing. We won't let Captain find out." Derick stepped in, taking a more relaxed approach. Against all my better judgment, I found myself on top of the woman, who continually struggled and looked at me with begging eyes. She was pleading me to let her go, I could see that. But I didn't. Instead, I did what all the other guys did when things were too bored or when they got lonely. I messed with the prisoners. As I was doing it, I didn't even think of it was rape. She was a prisoner. She had no rights, like Derick said. She was just a nameless, faceless nobody … but her face was always there in the back of my mind with that distanced look, like I took everything away from her in that one moment. After it was over, I tried to stand, but fell to the ground. My knees felt weak, I felt sick. I couldn't believe I'd done it and now I was sitting back and watching the other guys take their turns. She struggled even more with them as Jacobs held a knife to her throat. Now, I could see where the bruises had come from.

** 'Wives and daughters cut and raped.' **

* * *

-Kendra- "Thanks for letting me see my brother." I said to Nanako. It was weird being around her after knowing that she was just using me for inheritance. I felt guilty being a part of her scheme, but after hearing the real story behind my birth, I didn't feel so bad. "What was I going to say, no? You get back safely brat, you hear?" Nanako demanded, seeing me off on the plane. I couldn't wait. Mom and Spinner were going to meet me at the airport. Then, I'd get to see all my friends and everything. I was worried after hearing about the death toll of those trying to stop the conflict. 

* * *

"You!" I heard a voice yell behind me as I arrived at the airport. We were really late and I had no idea where to go. Last time, I just followed Nanako's quick, small steps. "Spin?" I asked even though I knew it was a female's voice. "Your brother he … I can't believe …" I recognized a girl from Degrassi. "Do I um don't know?" "He's a killer … all of them are. Soldiers. What a joke." She looked at me with hateful eyes. ** 'A generation drenched in hate. Yes, he has been here.'** "Kendra!" My mom's familiar voice called out as I left her behind wondering what that was about. **'And I see no bravery.' ** "Mom! Spin!" I almost knocked my mom down with the force of my hug, but when I got to Spin … it felt like I was hugging the air or something. There was this nothingness. I felt like he wasn't even there. When I held onto him and looked into his eyes, it all made since. He wasn't there. My once overly protective, strong, dopey brother had transformed. I no longer knew the solemn face that stood beside me. He wasn't brave anymore. He couldn't stop the pain from getting me. **'No bravery in your eyes anymore' ** His whole face was an image of pain. Sadness. **'Only sadness.' ** The ride home was silent as were the other times I spent with Spin during that week. **'And I see no bravery, no bravery in your eyes anymore' ** He didn't say much to me, he just blinked and spaced off into his own world. **'Only sadness.' **

* * *

(A/N: This was a James Blunt one and I love this song. When I first heard it, I felt frozen by the words or something. Later, I decided to use it and with the plans I have for Sean, Spinner seemed like the next best one to give some more play. Review and let me know what you liked, etc. –NL) 


	47. Take a Bow

**Take a Bow**

Hazel

"I have to figure out a way to talk to Matt, to get him to want to see me again." Paige panicked, pacing back and forth.

"How do you know he doesn't?" I wondered optimistically, looking down at my own stomach, which looked eerily the same, but inside things were very different.

"You can be smiling Suzie all you want. My life is so complicated right now. I persecuted Matt. He's being charged as a rapist even though he did nothing but love me. Do you know how guilty I feel?"

"No and neither does Matt. You have to talk to him. Find a way to make it better Paige. Go to the police--"

"And tell them I cried wolf? No one would ever believe me if anything like that ever happened again. This is the story I made and now I have to live with it."

"In that case, you should leave Matt alone. What would it look like if you were seen visiting your rapist? Not good." I smiled.

"But, I do know someone who could get close to him and no one would care … Blu."

"You hate Blu."

"Not as much as I hate Dean for what he's done to me—again. The sick part of it is that I actually kissed him Haze. Something inside of me still feels something for him, other than hate, and it's making me sick to my stomach."

"The real question is are you still vulnerable to him … if he decides to do something again?"

* * *

Marco

**'Take a bow the night is over' **

"I know I have no right to ask you this after what happened but as Student Body President I'm required to go to all major school functions." I began looking at Blu sadly.

"I don't want you to be scared to say anything to me. I some honesty in my life right now." Blu forced herself to smile as we walked through the hospital entrance.

"Maybe now isn't the--"

"Can we just leave? Coming here was a stupid idea." Blu whispered as a dark-haired man crossed their path. I could feel that they had a past, but he didn't want to pry, not now.

"Are you sure about this?"I wondered feeling awful about being so self-centered. Blu's dad's life was hanging in the balance and all I cared about was the Spring Formal.

**'This masquerade is getting older.' **

"As sure as ever. I have to place here anymore and of course, I'll do that formal dance thing. I'm just so happy that you're here going through this thing with me Marco." Blu smiled while her puppy eyes started filling themselves with tears once more.

"You're my best friend, my only friend and I love you for it." We embraced as I realized how much Blu needed someone—me. I suddenly felt this overwhelming responsibility as if I knew what my purpose was—to protect Blu and make her happy. "Now you're quiet … what are you thinking about?"

**'Lights are low the curtain's down. There's no one here.' **

"Nothing. I just … if you ever want to talk about your dad and being…"

"I don't. My actions tell everything. I hate him." Blu frowned as her happy tears became sad.

"Just thinking about it stirs up stuff for me." I whispered as Blu gripped onto my hand tightly, leading me out of the hospital. I thought about that priest everyday.

"Tell me who it was and you'll never have to worry about him again. I'll do whatever … I'll make him pay somehow. Just tell me." Blu pleaded with pure hate in her eyes.

**'Say your lines but do you feel them?' **

"I don't want him to end up in the hospital Blu. It's not my call to make." I sighed, feeling defenseless, wholly and completely.

"How it is that someone can take the same thing from you as me and you find a way to be the better person while I almost kill the man? You're so much better than anyone I know."

**'Do you mean what you say when there's no one around, watching you, watching me?" **

"You're the one who's willing to kill for me." I added giving her hand a squeeze. I was really getting into this pretend relationship. It made me forget about a lot of things. I _almost _felt normal … until I thought about Dylan.

* * *

Blu

"I have absolutely no right to ask this of you--" Paige started as I instantly cut her off. Anything that his poser had to say, I didn't want to hear it.

"Right you don't. Now what is it that you always say … 'get out of my airspace.'" I brushed past Paige, walking to her locker. Marco was waiting for me there.

**'One lonely star.'**

"You probably hate me … even more because of what I did to Matt but--"

"Matt dug his own grave. You just pushed him into it." I shrugged nonchalantly. "But don't think you're gonna use me to get back to him."

"But I made a mistake. I'm not perfect. There, I admit it. Happy?" Paige blocked my path, her hands glued to her hips.

"You are one second from getting the shit pounded out of you. Now move!"

"Please just listen to me. The reason why I have to get this to Matt is because … he _never _raped me." Paige whispered. "Someone told me a lie and I believed it."

"So the tables have turned and your perfect like has gone to pieces." I smirked. My facial expression changed as I added, "at the expense of my brother Matt. Later Paige."

"Wait! Don't you believe in love conquering all?"

"That kinda love doesn't exist."

* * *

Paige

As I tried to figure out a way out of this Matt mess, my cell phone began to vibrate. "What time is it?" I sighed to myself. 2am. It was Hazel.

"Paige, I can't do this." She cried, her voice still shaking.

"Hazel what are you talking about? I thought you had everything under control." I sighed, seriously worried. Hazel _never _called in tears.

"A single parent? I can't do it. I wish I could take back all I said to Jimmy. I should have lied to him. Paige, I can't do it ... I'm so scared ...everyone but my parents know the whole story."

"What do you want to do?"

"I have to get rid of it." Hazel whispered, crying hysterically as I said whatever I could to make her feel better. "My aunt went through the same thing. She and my uncle ... they'll help me out ..." She explained after calming down. Hazel seemed okay now, but how was she going to ever be okay with the fact that she killed her first child?

* * *

Marco

"How do I look?" Blu asked as she tried on a green satin dress that completely made her brown skin glow. I couldn't explain it, but she was beyond words, not just today, but everyday. I felt closer to her this past year than all of my other best friends ever. "Well … I know my hair is wild and crazy today but--"

"You look amazing. I knew I had great taste but--"

"Oh please. You've complained this whole time. I thought you were into the shopping thing." Blu responded, sitting down beside me on the chair in the dressing room.

"Yeah. This works." I smirked noting the fact that both of us could not fit in the chair. "Can we leave now? You spent like three hours in each store we go into."

"That's because I'm avoiding going back to that big empty house that's used to be my home. I know your dad has been cool with me virtually _living _with you guys up until now, but I can't keep doing it."

"Why not?" I wondered. "My dad will let me do anything as long as he thinks we're together."

"… which brings me to the part about you using me." Blu smiled. "It's okay though. This is a good kind of used, like its reciprocated, you know?"

"A good 'used?'" I grinned.

"You know what I mean. We both benefit."

"Right now all I care about is my stomach benefiting some food." I complained, rubbing my growling stomach.

"Stomach benefiting? I'm weird?"

* * *

Paige

"And you're sure you want to do this?" I asked Hazel the next morning as she looked back at her sister, Nadya, and then nodded unsurely. Her eyelashes were wet with fresh tears and she could barely stand to look me in the eyes. "You don't have to be ashamed Hazel. I will love you no matter what. You're my best friend." I hugged her tightly close to tears myself.

"I can't do this Paige." Hazel whispered, her sister nudging her forward.

"You have to Hazel. You're lucky our parents don't know about this yet." Nadya urged. "You don't even have to worry about paying for it. Uncle Saied is taking care of it. We're all counting on you to do the right thing."

"You're right." Hazel forced a so-called smile, which looked more like a grimace than anything else.

"Come on." I hooked my arm into hers, trying to find out what was really going on here. "If you don't want to do this, we'll leave." I whispered as Nadya struggled to keep with us. Hazel flashed me a look that said she was trapped.

"I want you to meet my aunt and uncle ... and my other sister." Hazel introduced me, not looking any of them in the eye.

"Hazel. You know there is no other way." Her uncle pressed as Hazel's aunt stood quiet, her watching eyes judging. She was Caucasian with an Aryan look, with an air I wasn't expecting. She was the most random thing in this bizarre picture. She was the aunt Hazel had told her about earlier.

I spent the rest of the morning trying to convince Hazel to follow her own feelings, but she was being pressured by so many people, that she went into the room anyway. I knew it was over. I knew that things would never be the same between us and--

"I'm so sorry. I can't do it!" Hazel yelled in a muffled voice as I ran after her when no one else would.

"It's okay Hazel. Come back!" I screamed as she ran blindly into the curb, tripping before taking a huge plunge.

A car was approaching quickly, closer to use than farther. I could already see what was going to happen to Hazel before it did. My heart was caught up in my throat was I watched the horrible scene unveil itself in front of me. Not Hazel.

There was pregnant Hazel in the middle of the road directly in front of a car that swerved out of the way as Hazel tumbled to the ground.

"Are you okay?" I ran towards her as she nodded looking relieved. I had never been so scared for someone else in my life.

"Hazel Aden. What are you doing? Get back in here." I watched Hazel's aunt yank her up from the concrete cold-heartedly, while her uncle dragged her back into the building.

"Paige." Hazel squealed, still crying endlessly. I stood completely helpless as it was done. They _forced _ Hazel to have an abortion. They killed her unborn child.

* * *

Blu

"I'll take some of that." I took a red cup from some guy at this party I was at. The best escape from everything was to party and when you had plans to get super loaded up on alcohol, like I was, there was no remembering it all.

It was a way to numb your problems and fast forward time. I loved it.

"Hey, watch out!" A guy yelled at me because I spilled some liquor on his foot.

"Sorry." I pinched my cheeks together to keep from smiling. Everything was funny to me right now. "Do you want me fix it?"

"No. You can barely stand up. I cant do it."

"Do I know you?" I asked, ready to do something really outrageous.

"No."

"Do you want to get to know me?" I found myself inching towards him. Then kissing him. I half expected the guy to push me away, but he didn't. He returned the kiss unfeelingly, but I didn't care. He was giving me something Marco never could. "Wait. Wait." He paused, his hands hovering over my slinky tube top. "I don't even know your name."

"I don't know yours either." He shrugged, leaning back on the couch where I found him.

"I'm usually not like this." I laughed. "I'm not a slut."

"Neither am I." The guy responded, started to look bored and spacing off again.

"The name's Blu." I told him, resuming what we had started minutes ago. "I've never seen you around this spot before." I smiled, my adrenaline rising.

"Just got back … I'm Spinner." He answered. I'd heard the name before, but couldn't remember where and didn't care.

* * *

Paige

Seeing Hazel have to go through that did something to me. It ruined whatever rationale I had. I couldn't think. And while everyone else was getting dressed for their last high school Spring Formal I was all dressed up … and going to prison.

It wasn't the best idea to go in the super-sexy coral halter dress I found, but I wanted him to see me like that. I wanted Matt to know that it was for him all of it…"

"I'm here to see Matthew Oleander." I held my breath as I sat down in the waiting room. I could feel everyone staring at me and could only imagine Matt's own reaction.

**'I've always been in love with you.' **

'You can go in ma'am." One of the officers told me as I made my way into the small room. It was strange. On TV they always got to be in a room together and now here I was, separated from Matt by glass.

"God, this sucks." I whispered looking at how rugged he had become. And tired. "I did this to you."

"You're the last person I was expecting to show up." He grumbled. I could feel Matt's eyes examining the curves and changes of my body.

"I know the truth and I'm sorry for everything. We should've never fallen in love." Goosebumps rose throughout my body as I rubbed my arms to guard me against it. Still, the feeling wouldn't go away.

"If you had just believed me from the start. I can't believe you think I'd do something like that to you."

"But it's happened before Matt. People were talking and I didn't know who to trust." I sighed. "I was wrong."

"So you're getting me out of here?" He asked, his eyes lighting up as I saw a glimpse of the man he once was.

**'I guess you've always known it's true.' **

"I can't. It would ruin my credibility. I'd be like giving out permission for other men to go ahead and rape me because I betrayed everyone's trust. But … at the appeal … maybe I can say some things that will change their minds. They can't possibly make you stay six years in here."

"God Paige, how can you be so selfish? I've lost my freedom and all you care about is keeping up appearances. You made a mistake. Fess up to it." Matt hung his head, his hands clasped together tightly."

**'You took my love for granted. Why?" **

"It's not that easy. I just can't--"

"So why the hell are you here?"

"I want to be with you. After this is all over."

"Just long enough for my world to be turned upside down. Do you have any idea how much harder it's gonna get for me? I can't ever make it in the real world. Ever." Matt buried his face in his hands.

**'Oh why?' **

"I'll take care of you. I'll be there with you forever. I owe it to you." I replied, exhaling deeply.

"Paige. You're going to college, to Grad school even. You'll find other things in your life and you'll forget all of this. But I'll be forced to remember everyday." Matt declared. "The only way you can help me is to come clean."

"Can you forgive me?" I asked too overwhelmed to cry over anything.

"Not now. Probably not ever."

**'The show is over say goodbye.' **

* * *

Blu

"So how was the Spring Formal?" Mr. Del Rossi asked, waiting up for Marco and I to come back.

"It was good." Marco nodded, looking a little disappointed. And I knew why. We were distanced the whole time and I was starting to think that he knew about Spinner.

**'Say goodbye. Say goodbye.' **

Not like it mattered who I chose to have sex with, but I didn't want to taint Marco's image of me, or make him think that all the things I said weren't true. I knew he'd want to talk about it and he's ask me why, but I didn't want to talk about it.

**'Make them laugh. It comes so easy when you get to the part where you're breaking my heart.'' **

It made me feel better. End of story.

"You don't look fine." Mr. Del Rossi spoke up, concerned.

"He's just tired from all that dancing. I told him to take it easy." I looked up at Marco with a smile, giving him a small kiss. "You should go to sleep. I'll stay out here."

**'Hide behind your smile. All the world loves a clown.' **

"Nonsense. You can stay in the guest room. It's practically your bedroom anyway." He joked as Marco looked away. The kiss was strained. I could feel it, Marco knew it, but the real question was were we fooling Mr. Del Rossi?

**'Wish you well. I cannot stay.' **

"I'll see you two love birds in the morning." He smiled, patting Marco on the back as Marco pulled away from me as soon as Mr. Del Rossi was gone.

"What's your problem?"

"You've been distant with me all night. You've got the problem." Marco muttered angrily.

**'You deserve an award for the role that you play.' **

"What's with this? I've done everything you asked for, okay? I'm your 'girlfriend.' We go where you want to go. We make appearances. We're together all the time. The only thing we don't do together is have sex." I pointed out jokingly.

"You say it like I want to." Marco whined as I shrugged.

"You're acting like a jealous boyfriend. So what if I was dancing all night and it wasn't with you? Who cares? This isn't real."

**'No more masquerade. You're one lonely star.' **

"None of it?" Marco asked as things got intensely silent.

"The only thing that matters is that everything I said about being with you and loving you as a friend was true. I'd never bull shit you about that. You're the best person I have in my life." I hugged Marco tightly. "So I really don't get why we're arguing."

**'I've always been in love with you.' **

"Nothing it's just … you're right. This is stupid." Marco pulled away from me as I followed him to his room.

**'I guess you've always known it's true.' **

"What's the deal Marco? What is it?" I asked he tried to ignore me. But as my questions continued he gave in.

"Can you … just come here?"

**'You took my love for granted why?' Oh why?' **

"Do you need a hug?" I joked again, holding onto him tightly as our innocent embrace turned into a kiss unlike the others ones we had staged. "Why are you doing this? There's no one here."

**'The show is over say goodbye.' **

"I know. We need to practice it." Marco suggested lamely. "My mom's been questioning me lately and I don't know how long until I crack."

"I wasn't joking about the sex." I lied. "You know I'll do anything for you Marco. Just say the word. But you're my friend before anything else." I kissed him softly. "And right now you're just lonely … and so am I." I kept kissing him until it turned into something more.

**'Say goodbye.' **

What happened that night wasn't Marco "turning bi" or me "making him" straight. I liked boys, and so did he. We both just needed comfort—me from my past, my dad, and me never being good enough to be more than just a cut friend, and Marco from the pressure he was putting upon himself.

**'Say goodbye. Say goodbye.'**

(A/N: I know I'll get some slack for this last scene, but Marco is too great of a character _not _to talk about and I can't bare to think of him with Dylan on the real show or in this fanfic world. I'm not doing like "Wild Horses" and making him straight. It just seemed like something that would happen under the right circumstances. REVIEW! –NL)


	48. Over

Over

Ellie

I dropped the box. No way. This couldn't be right, but it was. No matter how many times I read and re-read the instructions, it was still the same. Blue meant pregnant. The line looked blue and as much as I tried to make it another color, it was still blue.

The whole thing wasn't a complete shock. After I missed my first month, I thought about it and the same with the second. I was now two and a half months pregnant.

Hearing footsteps, I quickly wrapped everything in the brown paper bag it had come in and looked for a place to stash it. No space. I was trapped unless … opening the door quickly, I caught just a glimpse of Sean's chiseled arm. The back of his brown hair was running wild as he escaped out of the door without a word.

Having Sean's ring on my finger should've been enough to convince me that I would be all right, but Jay's death had changed everything. Sean wasn't _my _Sean anymore. He would show up briefly at random times and leave within a few seconds before even coming face to face with me. This was definitely more than avoidance, but what could I do about it?

Sean had become my everything—the end, beginning, and middle. There was no one else in my life, and I realized it no more than when I was at Degrassi.

**'I watch the walls around me crumble'**

The hallways were so cold and lonely some times. I was so alone without him.

I feel like I've lost my best friend. But it wasn't just a feeling. It was a reality. Since the day Sean indirectly proposed to me, I'd been trapped in his spell. I let myself fall into it, but with Sean being around less and less; it was becoming obvious that I was completely dependent upon him. We were one and without him, I didn't know what to do and how to act.

"Marco!" I yelled in the hallway as he continued walking. I deserved it. I'd blown off his calls for all night love sessions with Sean and with Ashley gone, I was truly alone.

And I knew who was to blame. Blu. Since the moment she stepped into Degrassi, my life had been turned upside down. "I need to speak with you." I yanked her from Marco's side as she looked at me amused.

"What's wrong honey?" She gave me her sweetest voice, but I knew inside she was just waiting for the right time to lash out on me, and Blu knew exactly what to say to get me riled up.

"I want you to stop hanging around Marco."

**'But it's not like I won't build them up again.'**

"Oh really?" She scoffed. "Well, it seems to me that we're just repeating the past. I can't help it if I'm more entertaining than you are." Blu shot back with a grin.

"If I remember correctly, you're the one who lost that battle. I'm with Sean, remember? You mean nothing to him and even less than that." I shot back eyeing Marco who just looked past me. How could this happen? "He's my best friend."

**'So here's your last chance for redemption.'**

"Whatever, but if Sean's so 'with you' then where is he? Do you even know what company he's keeping anymore?" Blu pushed past me as she and Marco resumed walking.

Now I felt even worse. It was bad enough knowing that everything was falling apart, but for Blu to understand it better than me? That was agonizing.

* * *

Sean 

"I feel like I shouldn't even be here. _You _shouldn't be here." I corrected myself. I felt so stupid talking to this grave like Jay would magically pop up and say something stupid about me still being with Ellie.

**'Take it while it lasts cause it will end.'**

He hated her from the start. "Need a little company?" Emma's damp eyes peered at me uncertainly. I shrugged. He hated Emma too, for a while. I really wanted to be alone, but who was I to tell her to go away when she was connected to Jay, like me?

"Why Jay?" I asked, turning to her as Emma looked like a deer in headlights.

"Why what?"

"Out of all the losers at Degrassi why was he so stupid? How could he…"

"Part of me thinks he wanted it. To die." Emma sighed. "I mean, we were together but…" I grimaced. The thought of them rubbed me the wrong way. "I knew deep down that I was just an Alex replacement. Everything he said had a reference to her and I could always see him watching her when he thought I wasn't looking."

"Then why did you put up with it?" I wondered as we started the first real exchange we'd had this year.

**'I won't be the one to chase you, but at the same time you're the heart that I call home.'**

"Ellie puts up with you, doesn't she? Every girl wants someone to love them Sean. No human being wants to be alone and it was the only way I could preserve my rep." Emma kissed the ground suddenly, leaving flowers behind. I rushed to keep up with her.

"Don't bring Ellie into this. It has nothing to do with her." I whispered. "Do you even know how complicated she is? I mean you're incredibly ordinary in comparison."

**'I'm always stuck with these emotions.'**

"Don't bring up the past. Every little mistake we made then led up to this. This moment. Everything has fallen apart for both of us." Emma looked away deep in thought.

"It doesn't have to be like this. Let's escape. Let's let one good thing come out of this." I offered.

"Like what?"

"Us being friends again. Not too many people care about Jay. It's just me, you, and Alex."

**'And the more I try to feel the less I'm whole.'**

"And I'd never be friends with her in this lifetime."

* * *

Ellie 

"So you finally decided to come back here? I was beginning to think that I lived alone." I said jokingly, but clearly I was expecting an answer.

"Yeah. Sorry."

"Sean?" I walked over to him, giving him a huge hug. "I miss you." I kissed him passionately as he returned my feelings half-heartedly. It wasn't supposed to be like this. We were supposed to be in the small minority that made it--the corny high school sweethearts that got married and stayed married.

**'My tears are turning into time I've wasted trying to find a reason for goodbye.'**

I knew what was ailing him. Jay and as much as I never cared for him, I couldn't let Sean feel like he was alone. "I know you're dealing with Jay's death, but do you have to push me away? You're beginning to act like you did when Blu was around."

"I'm hanging out with Emma and Alex more. They understand what I'm going through. You can't." Sean explained tiredly.

"You won't let me. You're so stony in front of me that I can't even tell if any part of you is feeling something. We're more than just boyfriend and girlfriend. It's real." I kissed him again cautiously surprised at how passion-less our encounter was. What was going on?

**'I can't live without you, can't breathe without you, I'm dreamin about you.'**

"You never cared about Jay, that's why."

"Maybe I didn't." I sighed, giving in.

"Okay, so don't preach to me." Sean took off his jacket, making his way upstairs.

**'Honestly tell me that it's over.'**

"Maybe God did us all a favor by getting rid of him. Trash like Jay needed to be taken out sometime before he corrupted everyone around him. I'm glad he's gone. Now, he can't feed you lies and come between--" My heated sentence was halted by a sharp pain that ran through my nose and all parts of my face.

Immediately, I heard a cracking sound and blood was spilling over my face. "Sean?" I whispered, trying to clean up the blood, but I was shaking too much. I couldn't believe this much blood was coming from me and that he had done it.

**'Cuz if the world is spinning and I'm still living...'**

"Ellie … you can't say stuff like that." Sean muttered while pacing and running his hands through his hair.

**'It won't be right if we're not in it together.'**

"This is never gonna work, is it?" I screamed, throwing a knife at him which missed by about two feet.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Sean wondered, looking at me like I was the crazy one.

I hated that look. It was how everyone looked at me in Degrassi. With pity and it was clear they didn't get me. It killed coming from Sean.

**'Tell me that it's over and I'll be the first to go.'**

"Do you have any idea how much you hurt me?" I yelled, pushing him with all of my strength. "Do you even realize … nothing." I yanked some paper towels from the kitchen and started cleaning up the blood that was dripping on the ground. Then it struck me.

**'Don't wanna be the last to know.'**

What was I doing here? If Sean hit me over Jay, the most conniving person in the world, what would he do when my pregnancy became obvious?

**'Over'**

Would he think it was Jimmy's even though that was just some story I made up?

**'Over.'**

Would he do us both in?

**'Over.'**

With so many doubts running through my hands, I had to get away from this.

I was going to run for the first time in my lif. I couldn't deal with possibly being a mother and living in this relationship ... this ABUSIVE relationship. If I was going to suffer, Sean would too.

**'My tears are turning into time I've wasted trying to find a reason for goodbye.'**

Holding wads of crumpled paper towels in one hand and the phone in my other, I started dialing the number of the only person that I knew could help me.

**'Can't live without you, can't breathe without you, I'm dreaming about you.'**

"What are you doing?"

"I'm calling the police and putting your sorry butt where you belong. You don't love me Sean. Have you ever?"

**'Honestly tell me that it's over. 'Cuz if the world is spinning and I'm still living.'**

"Ellie, you can't do that. I have a record. They'll … they'll take me away. For good. Do you want that?" Sean pleaded.

**'It won't be right if we're not in it together. Tell me that it's over...'**

"What's the point? You're never here anyway…" I turned away from him pretending to call the cops but really talking to Marco.

**'Tell me that it's over. Over.'**

I didn't know if I had the heart to do this to him … but Marco convinced me it was the right thing to do so I did it.

**'Honestly tell me. Honestly tell me.'**

But I got that restraining order against him against of pressing charges. As much as I hated what we became, I couldn't be the one who ruined his life.

**'Don't tell me that it's over.'**

Sean and I would work it out ... maybe ... I was hoping. He came back before and then I took him back. It was his turn this time and I was praying that by then he had the strength to either give me all of him or nothing.

**'Don't tell me that it's over.'**

(A/N: Opinions? Reviews?? I was going to use a different song for this "Sympton Unknown" by Maxwell or "Fulfillment..." by No Doubt, but I chose something else. This really wasn't a surprise, but I had to do this one to set up one that I wrote a few months back. Sorry if you're displeased, but keep reading. I'll be done soon. -NL)

* * *


	49. Iris

Iris

I had heard about what happened to Manny. Everyone did. Seeing her father die like that was … unimaginable. It stirred up all kinds of hatred, regret, and even _love _that I had for my abusive father right before he died. Life sure was ironic, bittersweet …

**'And I'd give up forever to touch you.' **

But I never gave up on Manny. I prayed for her to come back to me, like she never did that night I won the ten grand. I thought I had lost her forever, but now she's back from the dead, but only more like the dead than the living.

I could see it in her every step sigh, and fake smile she gave while saying, "I'm okay." That's the most I had gotten out of her since … she was blowing me off to the point where I was starting to feel like an outcast, not her baby's daddy.

"What are you thinking about? You're always so deep in thought man." Marco asked with Ellie trailing along. It was weird that even with all of the separation we had experienced this year—because of self-preoccupation—we were still cool, still friends. I liked that.

"Is it about Manny?" Ellie asked tucking her hair behind her ear, unveiling the remnants of her once-abusive relationship with Sean. I felt the most for her. Ellie came to Degrassi everyday, bruised and broken, but she was still strong. "Earth to Craig." She waved a piece of dripping meat loaf, from Shelia's café, in front of my face.

"Hey! You're getting that cow juice on me."

"We all know it's soy and if it is cow, it probably came from a diseased one." She grinned, plopping it back into her plate as a small speck splashed onto her fishnet sleeves.

"Don't talk about the dead cow Ellie. He's just trying to deter us from the question, which he still has left unanswered."

"Since everyone is so concerned, I'm just … thinking … about stuff." I answered finally.

"Sounds like girl trouble." Ellie responded in a sing-songy voice.

"You know you're right, but maybe now isn't the right time to talk about it … or maybe it is. I'm walking around with this shadow of hope when she won't even _look _at me."

I sighed. Why did I even try? Manny completely shunned me ... and everyone she ever cared about at Degrassi. Now she was hanging out with Jimmy who had also turned against me. I didn't get it. It was so random how she was acting and everything. She was nothing like the Manny I thought I knew.

"Now's your chance to try talking to her again." Marco motioned to his left, my right, and there she was. Manny stood in the line as though it was fate that we would see each other this way. Maybe I would even get her to listen to me and treat me like a human being again.

**'Cause I know that you feel me somehow.' **

"Manny!" I exclaimed with a little too much excitement, starling even myself.

"Craig." She muttered nearly indistinguishable with a quick nod before running into Jimmy. And there they were, right in front of me Manny looking charmed, smiling with hints of pure, genuine bliss on her face.

"See what I mean?" I whispered once they walked away. How could I tell Ellie, Marco, or anyone how much I really felt for Manny? I breathed and lived to see her, but I could barely fathom what this meant myself.

**'You're the closest to Heaven that I'll ever be and I don't want to go home right now.' **

"So you're going to sit and complain like a baby?" Ellie asked.

"Good plan. So, what's up with your mom El?" Marco wondered, continuing the conversation without me. I couldn't even concentrate on anything but Manny.

Getting up on impulse, I followed everything in my body, ignoring anything my brain was saying. Analyzing it wasn't getting me any closer to Manny.

"Can I talk to you for a sec?" I asked, looking at no one else but her.

"I don't know. Can you?" Manny answered, looking to Jimmy for approval. With a nonchalant shrug, she spoke up again. "I'm in the middle of eating."

**'And all I can taste is this moment. And all I can breathe is your life.' **

"Me too." I agreed, pulling out a granola bar I luckily had in my pocket from the previous time I'd worn these jeans.

"Why don't you two go and get together?" Fareeza joined with excessive enthusiasm. I hadn't even noticed that she was sitting at the table too. She tossed her poorly dyed blonde hair behind her. I didn't know if Manny and Jimmy's 'friendship' had prompted her to trade in her Hijab for a mini shirt, but did I really care? This girl was helping me get the opportunity I had been praying for for a while.

* * *

**'When sooner or later it's over I just don't want to miss you tonight.' **

"Why don't you talk to me anymore?" Manny shrugged, with a blasé attitude that didn't fit her. "I'm the guy you love, the one that still loves you, but you aren't sharing your grief with me? But Jimmy? That's so completely random."

"It's simple Craig. I'm going to dumb it down for you even more. I'm _not _grieving Dr. Phil. And our puppy love ended when you got jealous of JT of all people and started acting like a total freak. I risked not only my life, but my _parent's _lives for you and you didn't even care. You couldn't get over it and by acting like that you signed my death warrant. Now, why should I be talking to you again?"

**'And I don't want the world to see me cause I don't think that they'd understand.' **

"Whatever I did doesn't matter right now. Marissa is the one that matters. She's our number one concern." I answered back.

"That's what Caitlin's for, and Joey. They have custody of her because you were too selfish to be a real father." Manny shot out. "But this … shouting match is not what I need. I need peace."

"And Jimmy gives that to you?" I questioned, no longer able to hold back my jealousy. "I'm giving you a choice, me or him."

"What?" Manny shook her head in disbelief.

"Either you pick to be Jimmy's friend or you stay with me … and Marissa. You can't have both."

**'Where everything's made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am.' **

"You're telling me that I can't see my own daughter … you know what, I've been thinking … maybe I don't want it that way. Marissa belongs with me not some bipolar control freak. I'm filing for custody!"

"I was thinking the same thing." I chimed in happily. "We can all live together and do this right. I feel like I've betrayed you by asking you to keep this baby and then--"

"I want sole custody of Marissa. I want you out of my life for good. I can barely stand to look at you.' Manny sneered, interrupting me.

* * *

**'And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming.' **

Sooner than I imagined, I found myself in a small claims court. Here I was, fighting against the girl I couldn't stop loving, and I tried, but she was still haunting me.

Always in my thought, my mind, my body. Somehow I couldn't forget those sweet kisses. Seeing Manny just made these feelings intensify tenfold. I love Manny more than I even know sometimes, and I don't just mean the pleasant, loving Manny but the vindictive, seductive, dangerous part of her too. I love all of her.

I watched Manny walk into the court now silently, but everything around me seemed muted and paused. The only things moving were Manny and my watching eyes. I took swallowed deeply. In a few moments, I would be on the stand telling everyone what a horrible mother she was.

**'Or the moment of truth in your lies.' **

I had a lot of supporting evidence too—her sketchy character, leaving Marissa without telling anyone, but even with all her flaws it didn't make the feeling of guilt growing inside of me any less sickening.

"We now call Craig Manning to the stand."

I looked around, panicked and glancing back at Manny was the biggest mistake ever. Her chilling anger ran directly into me, and I felt more hated now than in my entire life. But, as I looked more closely I could see much more … pain than hurt.

Walking to the stand, I was so prepared to spit out the story I had memorized and practiced over and over. It surprised me how easily the words flowed from my lips. I realized what I was saying by the reactions on Manny's face. This was really killing her.

**'When everything feels like the movies. Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive.' **

"Your honor, I would like to … strike this from the record. All of it. I can't persecute the mother of my child because Marissa won't be the same without her and neither will I. So … we're going to raise Marissa **together**."

I stood up and walked away from the stand with the jury and other audience members in an inquietude silence.

* * *

**'And I don't want the world to see me cause I don't think that they'd understand.'**

"Did your lawyer flip out and were you planning this whole theatrical thing the entire time?"

"I'd do anything to keep you, but this was all me. For once it really wasn't about me, but I couldn't ruin you and tear you way from our baby. She deserves both of us and I think I've proven myself worthy and deserving of you." I explained, looking down at my hands unsurely.

**'Where everything's made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am.' **

"Do you really mean it? Can we do this?" She asked looking at me with the same vulnerability she had shown when I told her I wanted her to have my child.

"I'll never give up." I promised, taking her hands and kissing them gently. I was still afraid to tell Manny just how much I cared about her, but maybe one day when she didn't hate me …

**'I just want you to know who I am.' **

"Craig … There are so many things that I've wanted to … it's been more horrible than I could have envisioned. It's hell and I'm all alone. My family has disowned--"

"We're your family. Now and forever." I pulled her in for a hug as I felt wet tears hit my skin. They weren't from Manny, but from me. This was more than I could have longed for.

**'I just want you to know who I am.' **


	50. As a Blonde

As a Blonde

* * *

I felt so guilty for what I was doing. I couldn't stay at the Del Rossi's last night because I could tell that me and Marco together was the worst idea known to mankind. But we did it anyway, even if it was just for kicks. Part of me was really scared about what he was going to say. 

Somehow, all of this brought me back to the Del Rossi house... with Spinner.

I was tense and so aware of my surroundings. I was scared that Marco would walk in or someone would see us, but I wanted to be seen just to make sure that our friendship wouldn't change. Ever.

**'I was looking in the mirror, trying to find, a new reflection.'**

"Are we going to do this or not?" Spinner asked as I ran my hands through my hair.

"No. I can't do this in his house. Okay? Especially by the front door." I admitted.

"Then, let's go somewhere where it doesn't matter. You know, back to the party where everyone was having fun? Why did we leave anyway?"

"I don't know Spinner... It's just a little weird having a physical relationship with you when I don't know anything about you, just your name. It's not cool with me anymore."

**'Wanna take the road, less travelled in, a different direction.'**

"Since when have we started labelling it a 'relationship'"? Spinner shook his head in disbelief. "I should've known you would've made this drama over more drama. It's just sex. What's the big deal?"

"Why do you hide so much?" I shot back with a sigh.

"I don't hide."

"Fine. Why don't you explain to me why everyone hates you? What's so scary about the truth?" I wondered, crossing my legs away from him, equally as perturbed.

"I'm not scared!" He yelled, losing his cool and kicking over the coffee table in the middle of the living room.

"Okay, I'll start." I stood up, face to face with him. "The difference between you and me is that I know that most rumors aren't true … you know like how people think they saw something or how some insecure girl badmouths another girl? But the things they've been saying about me … they're true."

"You hit your father with a baseball bat?" Spinner asked, surprised.

I shrugged. "It was actually a golf club, but what does it matter? I obviously didn't hit hard enough 'cuz he's still here." I joked as Spinner looked at me in disgust.

"Killing someone isn't something to brag about."

"I'm not bragging and you don't know the whole story. What would you know about doing in someone anyway?" I wondered.

"A lot. Rick died because of me--"

"No. Rick died because he took it too far. You had nothing to do with that." I reassured him even though I wasn't at Degrassi when it happened. I had only heard what other people whispered in the hallways.

"Do you regret it?" He asked as I rolled my eyes.

**'Make some new mistakes, forget the ones I made.'**

"Could you pick a more boring question? That's what everyone asks. I regret that I didn't kill him and at the same time I regret that I even hit him. Even more than that, I regret that he did what he did to me ... but no one ever tells you that part do they?" I looked up at Spinner who was completely ignorant as to what I was talking about.

"It doesn't matter anyway." I blinked away tears. "I have Marco to talk to me about all the mushy stuff."

"Right now, you need something that Marco can't give you. Only I can." Spinner smiled as I kissed him unsurely, trying to hold back my sadness.

* * *

**'Cry some tears of joy, dress more like a boy.'**

"I need a change. I am so furious right now Prima and I know I'm only reason I'm angry is to cover up that fact that I'm hurting. It hurts so much." I wrapped myself around my cousin just letting tears fall that I kept hidden from everyone else.

Even at the funeral I was stony. The only thing I had become more dedicated to was the new club I'd started at Degrassi ... to help prevent things like what happened to Ahmed.

After my crying fest ended, Prima spoke up. "It's in my experience that the best way to get over something bad, or in our case to deal with it, is to find a really good distraction. We need change, something to make us happy." She tossed a sparkly blue tube top in my direction."

"Dressing like Nicole Ritchie is supposed to make me feel better? Ahmed was gunned down. Nothing will change that."

"I know, but this will make the transition easier. People won't pity you. They'll see that you're handing things well and they won't run away from you. People will love this new you Freezie." Prima urged as I shrugged.

"Besides, do you really want to be called a terrorist because of your hijab? Be stopped at the airport? Have people staring at you all the time? Do you really want people to negatively judge you and try and make your life miserable?"

"So you want me to assimiliate, pretend like I'm some white girl?" I rolled my eyes. I hate when people think that me being Iraqi means that I am Caucasian. It doesn't.

**'And come back as a blonde, try a different lipstick on'**

"It works for me. Think of it as just a way to walk around hurdles instead of jumping over them. You're saving your energy for something big." Prima explained as I sighed.

Right now, I really didn't care about much anymore. What did it matter? My faith was the only thing that kept me going, but everyday a little bit of me dwindled away.

"I don't care as long as you don't make me look stupid."

"No worries Freezie. You always have a dumb look on your face anyway."

* * *

Spirit squad. That was the answer. "Why didn't I see it before?" I asked myself smiling hugely. Moping about Matt wasn't going to change his dislike for me. Who was he anyway? How dare he ask me to risk my entire future for him—again? 

**'As a blonde, will I get whatever I want?'**

"Now I know you're insane." Hazel Aden walked in step with me. It wasn't too long since she had the abortion, but she was back to being as sassy as ever.

"What is my bestest doing lurking around the corner? You scared the crap out of me Haze." I placed my hand around her waist and gave her a small squeeze. "Maybe you can help me out."

"If it involves boys, no way. I am through." She replied as an uncomfortable silence threatened the future.

"No boys … yet. This is totally about the e.c, you know extra curricular? Spirit Squad is in need of some major renovations. I was totally watching this thing about how cheerleaders are putting more dance in their routines and since we don't have a dance team…"

"You're kidding aren't you? There's no way we can double up and make them one. We'd have to practice twice as hard, find a choreographer and everything." Hazel complained.

"But with all the work it's going to take, _we _won't have time to think about the deep shit we're in right now. No Matt. No Jimmy. No baby." I whispered as Hazel gave me a sad glance.

"Fine. You win, but once you start turning to putty over Matt again, I'm out. I can't handle the squad alone." Hazel shot back.

* * *

**'I'd be ever so inticing, tinkle on a bi-state.' **

Being here in this shower felt so good. I was glad I had resisted Spinner after all. There was nothing really likeable about the guy anyway, except that he was always there when I wanted him to be.

But, so was Marco. Which, was why I stopped myself from taking it farther. At this very moment, Mason was waiting on the couch for me and as soon as I was done, we'd go to that stupid party he kept brining up. Once you've been to one party, you've been to them all. Soon enough, even the social part got old.

"Hey Blusey, you in there?!" Spinner called as I rolled my eyes. Now what?

"Yeah ... door's open. What are you doing in here alone?"

"Mason, didn't we handle this already?" I held back a smile. I had to hand it to him, he was persistant.

"No, but I'm about to. Make room." He put on this weird accent as a laugh escaped my mouth. I couldn't tell him to leave, not when I was starting to break the ice, his frozen wall.

"You just stay on your side Mister." I joked, but I was really serious. The closer we were, the less control I had over what happened. The longer we stayed, faced with each other's bare bodies, the closer we got and the less I worried about Marco.

* * *

**'Never have to watch my weight.'**

'This is so stupid. So, so stupid.' That word and its synonyms, like idiotic and asinine, kept running through my brain. Why, why, why did I let Prima talk me into this?

Everyone was staring, but I was used to this. They did this all the time. Searching for a familiar face, I found it in Blu.

**'Wanna I meet myself, as someone else, just to see what it feels like.'**

"Are you going to the meeting today?"

"What meeting?" Blu responded. She was completely out of it.

"I thought you cared about preventing crimes against women and children. This isn't a game Blu." I shot back seriously.

"Relax chicky. I didn't forget, just messing with you." She laughed. "What's with the outfit? Halloween's come and gone."

"You hate it? You think it looks like crap?" I wondered self-consciously. Suddenly, the brown leggings I had on felt tighter and the matching waist belt just felt silly. I knew Prima was wrong. She was right like 1 percent of the time.

"It's a huge change. But not too bad, I guess … except for the strawberry blonde hair."

"We had a little color problem. It was looking more pinkish, so this is a million times better." I smiled, feeling relaxed. So, Blu liked it and … maybe Prima was right.

"And who knew you had such great boobs!" Blu poked my side before walking off. Great. And there it went. Now, I was wondering if everyone else was thinking the same thing.

**'Take a walk, on the other side, cause you know that I just might.'**

At the same time, as insecure as I was, I also felt powerful. I always had a dominant, assertive personality, but maybe Prima wasn't as wrong as she thought. I liked how different I felt with lighter hair.

* * *

"You and me are going to an awesome concert tonight." I told Marco as soon as Fareeza walked off in embarrassment. I didn't know why she was being so self-conscious. Girls got boob jobs to have what she was naturally born with. 

"Tell me you didn't…" Marco began, looking a little ... peeved with me to say the least. The shower thing backfired and Marco came in the bathroom and ... it was a mess. Marco came home early.

Yesterday, I spent the whole time acting like I didn't want to be with Mason when I did. After a while, the muffled giggles, had Marco wondering. I was almost homefree until a loud weird throaty sound escaped my lips, then Mason laughed, and Marco knew.

**'Break some different hearts, touch my different parts.'**

We didn't talk about it, which was a new ritual we were starting because I told Marco everything even down to my bodily functions ... so this new _'silence' _was creeping me out. Music was the best way I knew to repair it, so I called in to some radio station and got tickets to his favorite rock artist.

"I'm not really into chick rock like you, but when I saw that your favorite, Liz Plair, was going to be there, I so couldn't resist." With my arm around his waist, I gave him a small hug, but this was not the reaction I was expecting. Marco was so … so … not saying _anything_.

"Blu, you_ really_ shouldn't have…"

"Why not? Do you have something better to do? I doubt it." I laughed it off, tucking a ticket in his pocket.

"Wait. You can't just walk off and leave me with this." Marco sighed.

"Why not? It's yours silly."

"I can't go with you Blu." Marco fessed up, handing the stub back to me.

"Explain." I demanded, hands on hips, ready to explode at any moment.

"I should be asking you to do the same thing ... Spinner? Where'd you pick up him, on the street corner or something? He's nothing but trash." Marco mouthed.

"If you would go to this concert with me, we could make the whole thing a big deal ... with dinner. We can talk about everything, from what we did to what I've been doing with Spinner." I offered genuinely.

"Blu, there's something I'm already obligated to do—and no, I can't postpone it."

"Well? You could at least tell me what it is."

"You'd hate me for it but--"

"Ellie." I mouthed, shaking my head in disbelief. "It's like that now? I'm back to being not even on your list anymore, am I?"

"Would you stop being so dramatic for a second? It's not about you and Ellie fighting over who's my best friend. I love you both. I won't choose." Marco admitted. "But I don't want to hear you talking bad about her to me. There's a lot about Ellie you don't know."

"Save the speech … here comes pumpkin-head now." I blurted out briskly walking through the hallway. I so wanted to hit something, anything just as long as it kept me from thinking about Marco ditching me.

**'I'm not gonna wait, to mess around with fate.'**

"Whoa." Spinner muttered, as I nearly ran into him. I paused, catching his eye. Normally, by now, I would've resumed processing down my path, but with the rage I was feeling he was the one person that could erase it.

"Come with me." I whispered as he followed behind me, not closely, but far enough behind so that no one would suspect anything. "You just got bumped up to sex partner who hangs out with me when my best friend ditches me." I proclaimed, handing him the ticket.

"I don't like this kind of music."

"I don't care. You're going." I commanded, as my hand found its way under Spinner's shirt and moving further and further down.

"You don't have to do that you know." He pulled away suddenly, his back to me like he was a vampire and I was the rising sun.

"Why are you so afraid of me? I don't bite hard, you know that." I joked, pulling him close to me by his belt loops. "You and me … is that fine with you?" I asked, as he gave in. With a fleeting kiss, one that felt like a little more than just lust, Spinner was gone.

* * *

"FareezaYasmin? Is that you?" Heather Sinclair pulled her lunch tray next to me with her usual crowd following. 

"Yeah, it's me." I looked up unsurely. I had seen this girl rip other people to shreads ... she even intimidated teachers so needless to say, I had my guard up.

"You look so awesome. What's with the change?" She wondered as I stopped eating. I should ask her the same thing. Since when does some Polynesian girl come out with turquoise-blue eyes and threateningly blonde light brown hair?

**'I'm tainted, I'm tired, of being the same ya.'**

Instead of being the blant, smart-ass that I would normally be, I took another lesson from Prima on being cordial. "Everyone needs a change. I just thought with Jimmy making huge changes in his life, that it was time for me to do the same." I shrugged. Horrible answer, but at least it was over with.

"You know many people have tried to do what you're doing, the whole crossover thing, but without the right people ... it won't work." Heather began.

"Okay, so?"

"So, I'm having a party tonight and I want you to come ... and don't worry about going home or anything. Just spend the night. My brother doesn't care."

* * *

"So what do you think of this routine Paige?" Hazel wondered, showing me a short piece she'd made up to Ciara's latest song. 

"No. No. No. It's all wrong." I complained. Why couldn't people just do things right?

"Look Paige. I've been working my butt off. This is the third routine I've worked on. What do you want from me?"

"Haze. It has to be perfect. There's nothing wrong with a a little perfection, right?" I wondered as her expression softened.

"But there is something wrong with being neurotic and anal about the routine. We're gonna win Paige. We do every year." She argued back.

"Well ... what about new outfits at least?"

* * *

The reaction that I was most nervous about was without a doubt, was going to come from Jimmy. So far, it was all positive. I was getting attention from guys that I'd never imagined and all the girls were being really nice about it. Heather Sinclair even sat at lunch with me since Jimmy and I didn't have the same lunch period everyday. 

**'I'm desperate, I'm bored, I'm begging for change.'**

I knew I would see him in Simpson's class, but what would I say or do? Should I pretend like I didn't see him and wait to see if he recognized me? That would be the Prima thing to do.

"Fareeza?" Jimmy walked up to me as quickly as he could, but assisted by a cane. It was almost funny watching him look like an old man, but I was so proud of what he'd become. He did the impossible and walked again.

"What do you think?" I asked, putting on this fake air of confidence like I had been doing all day.

"W-Why aren't you in your hijab? What is this?" Jimmy looked at me seriously.

"This is the new me. I'm finally doing what it takes to make it in this world." I flipped my hair behind my back like I'd seen Heather do so many times before.

"But this doesn't change us, does it?" He wondered, concerned.

"Oh, of course not." I gave him a small hug. "But it does mean that I have plans for tonight so I can't study with you." I gave him an apologetic look. "Please understand?"

**'What if you're normal and wanna be strange?'**

"Sure." Jimmy shrugged, looking defeated. I didn't know why. We always studied. What was the big deal? "Positive you can't get out of it? I had something planned--"

"I would if I could, but I can't take anymore routine in my life. I need a change so I know that I'm living. I won't end up like Ahmed this way." I gave Jimmy a small smile before we walked back to class together, in silence.

'So it goes,' I shrugged. I was keeping sad things out of my mind and seriously thinking about this party...

* * *

After some negotiation, Spinner and I left the concert early. I wasn't too interested in the concert after 'Why Can't I Breathe' or whatever it was called, played. It was so ironic that it sort of related to us, except there was nothing stopping me from being with Spinner, but then there was the entire student body between us. 

**'As a blonde, try a different lipstick on.' **

And I wasn't in love with him. It wasn't anything like being with my last boyfriend Dominio, who thought he knew everything and I thought I was always right. I missed the constant fighting.

"This party better not suck." I complained as we made our entrance, together. It was Heather Sinclair's bash, so it was preppy. I was glad I decided to tone down my outfit a little. Now, I had on a kimono dress.

"If we get bored we can do what we always do." Spinner suggested. "I like that new thing you've been doing." He smirked and I shoved him in his side with my elbow. "Okay. No talking about it."

"Good."

"We can always just talk." He responded giving me a kiss, then lingering a little while longer like he belonged there.

"You're good." I chuckled as we braved the party, together. I had no plans to get slobbery drunk tonight, but Spinner was washing away his pain, as usual. I sat and watched as Marco appeared.

I looked a little harder to see if I was just being delusional, but I wasn't. It was definitely him, curly hair and all.

My first instinct was to give Marco a piece of my mind, but I decided it would be better to make a show out of it. I took a couple of shots to clear my head as Spinner engaged in a chugging game. That always got attention. He won, of course and by then there was a huge crowd.

Knowing Marco was watching somewhere, we jumped on the table. I did a little lap dance for Spinner. With alcohol, it made it so much easier to act like an idiot.

**'As a blonde, will I get whatever I want?'**

"Blu?" Fareeza pushed through the crowd.

"Freezie? What are you doing here?" I could feel my plan backfiring. I had no idea she would be here. She would normally never be caught _dead _at these functions.

"Why are you with him? Don't you know who he is?" She asked.

"Not you again..." Spinner slurred as I tried to get him to be quiet.

"Tell me why you hate him so much." I requested glad that I didn't get that sloppy drunk.

"He's a murderer, a killer, a ruiner of lives ... who knows what else he has done. There's no way you can support what our club stands for and be with him. You have to choose."

"How do you know all this? Fareeza, this is ridiculous. I can't choose." I sighed. She was the first girl from Degrassi to give me a chance and Spinner was the first heterosexual male to not treat me like trash. With him, I forgot about that train-wreck called Sean.

"Then, I'll choose for you. Go be his slut."

As I started to folllow Fareeza to see if we could talk this out 'rationally,' I ran into the person that I set up the entire chug-fest for.

"Marco? I had no idea you'd be here... Ellie sent you away?" I asked angrily, giving him a shove.

"Can we talk?" He wondered as I shook my head furious. I got the whole being non-confrontational, but this was stupid. I was livid.

* * *

**'I'd be ever so incisive, take a lot of ice cream, never have to watch my weight.' **

The next day at school I saw Blu, but I tried to ignore her. It was adapting to my new identity well. I had Heather coaching me about how things worked and Prima filling me in on the rest of a secret world that I never knew existed.

**'Ya when I'm gone, I'm gonna come back as a blonde.'**

That 'sleepover' last night was actually fun. I wasn't as 'Sandy D' as I thought and Heather was cool, not the bitch I had imagined. Already, we planned a shopping date and I was loving everything.

Somehow, part of me relished in being able to live without carrying much burden with me. This blonder, cuter me was notably more shallow, but definitely more popular, but still as badass as always. I was spending less time with Jimmy, but he was just going to have to get over it.

**Ya when I'm gone, I'm gonna come back as a blonde.'**

(A/N: I'm making this as quick as I can. I think this new year will be the last year I'll do fics, so that means I'll have to finish up the good ones (and salvage the bad ones). -NL)


	51. Revolver

Revolver

Something in me could not just let it go. I thought about it way too much, obsessively in fact. I had even considered taking care of it the only way I knew how--doing in this guy for good. For Marco's well-being.

Maybe I felt like I was making up for all the things I said to him that I couldn't even remember at that party.

**'Half cocked and fully loaded' **

How could people be so cruel to ruin perfectly innocent kids? I couldn't understand it no matter how much I tried to reason it. Why was I trying to make okay? I was, in any way, trying to defend my father. As unbelievable as it was, I found myself doing it.

"You freak me out when you don't say anything. Say something." Marco demanded, sitting across from me, holding some food in his hand.

"Hey." I whispered, instantly being reminded of the story Marco had revealed to me last night. There were so many layers to it, I didn't understand how Marco could be half as kind as he was. "I've been thinking about what you told me about the priest."

**'Not even trying to sugarcoat it.' **

"Blu, please. Let's just let it go."

"Don't you want to find out what happened to that sick old man? Don't you want revenge? Do you even care?" I nearly screamed, wanting Marco to stop giving me this plastic-coated version of what he was really feeling.

"Revenge? No. A small part of me wants to know what became of him, but it's not important. You just like to dig up the past over and over again, don't you?"

**'You're aimed at me but you're shooting blanks.'**

"I knew you'd want to know." I snatched up the directions I found on the internet that week we'd been fighting.

"What's this?" Marco asked as I handed him the papers.

**'And it doesn't hurt.'**

"Directions to the old man. It was almost impossible to find him, but I did my homework." I answered as Marco handed the papers back to me. "You want closure, but you shouldn't go there alone. I'll go with you."

"You can do whatever you want, but I'm not going."

* * *

"Paige." Dylan called, interrupting the cheer routine I had going. We all did this thing where we visualized ourselves looking flawless, which wasn't hard for me, in hopes that we would be perfect competition day. It was that whole 'the power of the mind' thing or something. 

"What do you want Dylan? I was getting into it." I fussed as he shrugged.

"Fine. Then, I won't tell you about the mysterious phone call you missed."

"Then don't." I shrugged, closing my eyes again. Normally, I would just look on caller id, but my life had been far from normal this past year and a half. It had gotten just plain melodramatic.

**'Thanks but no thanks.'**

"What was it?" I yelled after him, still sprawled across my bed, pretending I didn't care so much.

"It was something serious."

"Okay ... are you going to tell me or not?" I wondered.

"They're having the repeal case for Matt on Friday--tomorrow." Dylan answered.

"And I seriously doubted that anyone called to tell me that." I muttered, throwing a pillow at my brother. "Thanks for nothing!"

"Wait. Don't you think you should go, you know to make sure he doesn't get a lighter sentence?" Dylan probed as I pushed him out of my room, closing the door on his face. For a second there I thought he was going to say I should go to 'save him.'

But then again, maybe that was the side of me that knew it was the right thing to do. I shook my head. No way was I going to ruin everything I had worked for. Not only would my 'confession' make headlines, but Banting would probably reevaluate their decision to accept me AGAIN.

My future would be destroyed. And our huge competition was tomorrow. Hazel and I worked our butts off to perfect that routine. No way.

Who cared about Matt anyway? If he hadn't fallen in love with me, none of this would've happened. Everyone keeps telling me that he's the adult and I'm not to blame. Maybe they're right.

* * *

"I am so completely worn out!" I yelled to no one in particular. All I knew was that I had to get out. Marissa was driving her nuts with all the crying and Craig was pushing the happily ever after family a little too much for me. 

Sure, it was a Thursday afternoon and I would have to be back there unfortunately within a few hours, but she still crossed in front of the steps of Degrassi.

"Hey, you found my spot!" Jimmy yelled from the steps.

"What are you doing without your chair or your cane?" I asked flipping my hair behind me. "Long time, no see." I added sitting next to him.

"I don't need them anymore that you do. I'm a man." He joked.

"Really? I hadn't noticed." I kidded back. "But seriously, I haven't seen you in _forever_. What the hell is up with you man?"

"Nothing much."

"Trying to keep Fareeza on a short leash? She's completely a bombshell now. What did you say to get her to show so much skin? I feel conservative standing next to her now," I said tilting my head to the side and still smiling. Seeing Jimmy again was awesome.

"I'm kinda disappointed in her actually. After her cousin was shot, she flipped out. I guess this is her way of handling it, but all she's doing is pushing me away. That Heather Sinclair does _not _like me."

"Maybe it's because she feels guilty. If Heather hadn't been kissing the world, and gotten mono, you and Rick would've been in different hemispheres. She would've been on the team. Heather should've been the one who got shot. She's such a phony." I leaned fowards, placing my elbows on my knees. "So, what are you going to do about the change?"

**'But it's a matter of time.'**

"Deal with it. Maybe we won't make it through graduation or even another week. I never know with her." Jimmy sighed sadly.

"You'll have me ... at least until graduation." I smiled giving him a hug. "And we so all need to hang out again." I sighed, "And we'll probably should bring along the bombshell and Craig.

"Don't you remember the last time we were all together? Fareeza wanted to kill me Craig was so desperate to get in your pants."

"No he wasn't. He was apologizing and trying to ..." My voice trailed off. "get in my pants." I admitted. "Do you think we'll make it? Me and Craig? I used to think so, but Marissa is making it impossible to have any peace. It's nothing like I imagined. I lost my father for this and my mom won't even talk to me."

"Why do you come to me for all the hard questions? I have no idea, but I'm starving. Let's go somewhere." He suggested.

"The Dot, for old times sake." I demanded standing up immediately. See, that walk was a gorgeous idea.

* * *

"You're starting to freak me out. Where are we going?" I asked. 

"It's a surprise." Blu smiled back.

"It better be good." I responded as we stopped at a nursing home. "We're reading to old people now?"

"Come on." She yanked me out of the car. I followed her into the building as she moved quickly and even knew the way. "Do you want to go first or should I do the honors?"

I shrugged. "Who are we seeing? Did you get your dad put in here?" I joked until I came face to face with the last person I'd ever thought I'd see again. It was James or 'the priest,' what Blu knew him by.

**'Till you get yours and I get mine.'**

"Talk to him." Blu urged as I glared at her.

"How could you do this? I want to leave this part of my past in the past. Why?"

"Yeah, why'd you do it old man? How could you hurt Marco like that?" Blu walked over to his side as a frail old man looked up at her. He looked confused, senile, alone ... it was enough to make Marco pity him.

"Don't do it Blu."

**'It might not be me.'**

"Are you out of your mind. Here's your chance. You can get your revenge. Tell him what he did was wrong. Just tell him--"

"No. I can't do anything, especially not with you here. What would I look like preying on a man who's on his death bed. They should have him in a hospice. This is awful." I sighed. As much as I hated him and wanted some kind of solace for what was done to me, this wasn't the way to do it.

"Marco. This is your last chance." Blu pushed.

"This isn't my decision to make. As much as I want ... I can't do it this way. Can you just give me a minute?"

**'But you're gonna answer to somebody. Revolver.'**

* * *

I let out a huge sigh. Competition was over. All we had to do now was wait for the results. I was sure we had it. We were going to win. We had to. 

"Ladies and gentlemen we have ... a tie." I gasped. That was worst than coming in dead last. The announcer continued. "Now since we have just one trophy to give, each team will have a chance to perform their choreography again and present something new."

**'You've got one foot in your mouth.'**

"No way!" Hazel yelled as I gave her a look.

"Perfection, remember?" I continued smiling although I wanted to go up there and punch every one of those judges. Tie my ass. We worked so hard and for nothing. I looked at the clock. It was almost 6 ... Matt's case was starting at six.

**'And one foot in the grave.'**

"What are you looking at Paige? We have to come up with something. This is the last year we'll ever be in this competition." Hazel explained. I as nodded. Focus. I needed focus.

"Okay, do you remember that super-difficult routine we started, but never because--"

"Heather Sinclair quit the squad." Hazel finished for me. "I remember, but what about the other girls. A lot of them are new and--"

"You'll get it together." I smiled, picking up my cheer bag.

"Me? What about you?" Hazel asked as I put it down. She needed me. Matt needed me. It was time to do something for me. I was going to win this competition for my squad.

**

* * *

**

"Who's there? Will, is that you?" My father asked as I walked closer and closer to his room. The house was exactly the same, even if they had changed the locks on me. I knew 'Will' would be good for something ... and the best part was that he didn't even know he had helped me out. In fact, no one knew I was here.

"Actually, it's me." I whispered, stepping into the light.

"Rachel? How did you get in here? Don't you know it's not safe--"

**'You're digging a hole.'**

"Listen up. I want answers ... the answers you never gave me that night." I demanded, keeping myself as icy and cool as possible. The less I let my emotions get the me, the better chance I would have at keeping things under control. Last time I lost it and I almost killed him. This time I wasn't here for revenge. I wanted answers.

"Rachel. I don't know what you're talking about."

"Why do you keep playing this dumb dad role? It doesn't work. Fess up to what you did and this will all be over. We'll never have to see each other again." I promised, touching my back pocket to make sure that it was there ... it was ... the pocket knife Spinner kept with him, just in case.

**'And now you're digging a cave.'**

**

* * *

**

"Is it too late to say something?" Against my selfish nature I found myself at Matt's re-trial. The results of the competition were up in the air, but I couldn't concentrate thinking about how much Matt _hated _me, or would hate me if I didn't help him.

**'But it's not gonna be so funny anymore.'**

Everyone turned around to look at me. No pressure. No pressure.

"I have something to say." I repeated. "Matthew Oleander is guilty of only one thing and that's falling in love with a student." I sighed.

Matt looked at me confidently, encouraging me to continue. "He never ... raped me. I-I was mistaken." A huge gasp went throughout the room.

"The truth is I was confused. I was drunk that night and rumors were going around that he did ... rape me, but that whole night is fuzzy to me." I admitted. "There's only been one person who's raped me and it would be wrong for me let you prosecute this man, this _innocent _man."

* * *

**'By the time you wake up sobered up and sore.'**

"I remember the first time Craig and I went on a date. It was awful." Manny began.

"Yeah, I heard this one. You talked about horsey horse and piggy pig didn't you?" I joked as she hit me playfully.

"I did not! Is that what Craig said?"

"Yeah. He said you reminded him of Angie." I explained.

"I hope he still doesn't feel that way. It would be really sick to think of him having a baby with his younger sister!" She exclaimed as my phone sounded. Goapele's 'Closer' started playing. It was Fareeza.

"Sup?"

"I have to ask you for a really big favor baby." Fareeza yelled over the other line. There was a lot of noise in the background.

"You're not standing me up again, are you?" I asked worried about this being the end of us.

"No, but I do need to borrow your house."

"Borrow my house Fareeza? Who does that? What the hell does that mean anyway?"

"We're throwing a party. I know you're not allowed to have them, but Heather has to cancel and it's going to be huge. People from all over will be there and your house is the only other place that it huge enough for it." She begged.

"And what do I get out of it."

"I love you?" She asked unsurely.

"The more you say it like that, the less I believe you." I answered.

"Believe it and please do this for me." Fareeza begged again.

"Okay but--"

"Thanks honey. Smooches. Gotta go!" She hung up before I could finish.

"Good news or bad news? I can't tell by your expression." Manny wondered.

"Looks like there's a party at my place."

"Count me in."

* * *

**'But it's a matter of time 'til you get yours and I get mine.'**

Flames engulfed the house. What had I done? What was I doing was the real question. My dad never admitted to me what he did, but we did argue. I did hurt him. I took Spinner's knife to him and... the only way to make sure that I wouldn't end up imprisoned.

Liberation swelled up inside of me. I was finally free of it all. There was nothing holding me back, but I would forever be haunted by my unanswered questions to my father.

It was surreal just sitting down and watching the flames, but I found myself just observing, like a couch potato obsessed with a new-found television show. My entire life went with those flames, not just my father.

**'It might not be me.'**

As the blue-orange flames rose higher and higher I knew what the outcome would be. I couldn't stop the destruction if I tried. It was like a fight between the smallest yet most determined of men against a barge-like formidable and powerful enemy. The fire would win.

I had triumphed over my father. At least now, I'd have peace. Matt and I could finally have peace as siblings. He would never hurt me. I wouldn't be so afraid anymore. I smiled.

**'But you're gonna answer to somebody. Revovler.'**

As sick as it was to feel this good after killing my own father, I still couldn't help it. I wasn't without battle wounds either. Quickly, I realized that the fire would keep coming toward me. Someone would be bound to see the dancing red color, and then they'd see me watching it.

Hopping up, I grabbed the bag I had come with, remembering the last words my father said to me as his hands neared my throat. 'I love you.' Yeah, right. That pocket knife sure was handy.

**'Revolver.'**

(A/N: I have three or four more chapters until this is done so stay with me and review. Thanks! -NL)


	52. Ex Factor

Ex Factor

**'It could all be so simple'**

"No one's home!" Ginger yelled after hearing a loud tapping noise on her door. Creeps usually followed them home after their performances, hoping to get a little extra out of it for themselves.

"It's the police. Open up." A male voice retorted from the other side of the door.

Ginger had heard this one before and she wasn't falling for it this time. "Yeah right." She rolled her eyes and turned the television volume up higher.

"What's going on?" I came into the living room looking at Ginger who was watching TV and reading a magazine even though someone was pounding on the door and she was inches from it.

"Some jerkoff's at the door pretending to be a cop because we enticed him so much at the show." Ginger snickered.

"You never know if they're real cops or not." I suggested.

"Would you want to asnwer if the police were out there wauiting for us? Absolutely not."

"Whatever. I'll just see who it is and give him a piece of my mind." I opened the door, prepared. "May I help you?"

'**But you'd rather make it hard'**

"Is this the residence of Miss Amy Parker?" My heart dropped as I realized that the were real cops and that they were telling me that my mother was looking for me. By law, I had to move back in with her.

* * *

"I was worried about you when you walked away from me and didn't come back." Mom admitted as I walked into the house. It was late. I knew it was. It just got to be too much handling everything sometimes. To make it worse, the only person you really talked to about shit was dead. Life was getting a good laugh at me now. 

**'Loving you is like a battle'**

I grunted in reply. I wasn't expecting my mom to be here with my dad, but I wasn't getting my hopes up. It didn't mean anything. My dad being here didn't even mean that he would stay or he would be apart of my life again.

"Well, where have you been Alexandria?" My dad spoke up angrily.

"I could ask you the same thing. I'm an adult now. You have no right to jump on my back now. Neither of you." I dropped the purse I had with me and headed towards the kitchen for something to eat.

"Does she always act like this? No wonder why she's failing in school." He compained.

"Javier, don't start." Mom pressed. "I'll take care of it." I know you're worn out honey. Go on and sleep."

"Good job of taking control." Javier shot back, disgusted.

And they were back to arguing again. I was glad that my mom didn't give me a hard time like she usually does. I really just needed time to think.Sure, I'd run off for a few days, but I couldn't deal with their issues on top of mine. I really missed Jay and it killed.

* * *

"She's not picking up." Marco complained, referring to Alex. 

"If my bff just died, I wouldn't be wanting to party either." I spoke up as Paige and Hazel walked by. "I guess that's my cue to leave, isn't it?" I asked looking for someone else to hang out with.

I didn't know half of the people sitting there, which normally wouldn't stop me from mingling, but I couldn't take my mind off of Mason. I wondered what he was doing, where he was.

**'And we both end up with scars'**

Taking out my phone, I sent him a quick text, telling him to meet me here so that we could go someplace. What was a party without someone to kick it with?

* * *

"Parties equal trouble." Craig complained as I dragged him into Jimmy's house. 

"It so does not honey. Just be glad that Joey and Caitlin are taking care of Marisa for us. We need a break." I admitted.

"But what if something happens to her and we miss it? What if it's bad Manny? I feel guilty leaving her behind." Craig sighed.

"No worries tonight. Leave that stress out the door." I continued pulling him and heading to the kitchen for a drink. "Want one?"

**'Tell me, who I have to be'**

"No. I'm going to see if Marco is here." Craig walked off and I was relieved. I hated when he breathed down my back like that. I really wanted to go to this party alone, but when he heard that it was going to be at Jimmy's house, all of a sudden, Craig wanted to come with.

"Hey." Jimmy practically bumped into me holding empty beer bottles in his hands already. "I'm trying to keep the place looking clean ... you know."

"Yeah. So where's the girlfriend?" I wondered.

"Can't you see her over there? In the middle of the floor with all the guys crowding around her," He said jealously.

**'To get some reciprocity see'**

"Don't worry. We'll have some fun of our own." I offered, helping him carry some of the trash to the kitchen. "Any ideas?"

"I may have a few." Heather Sinclair popped up out of nowhere, splitting the two of us with her back away from Jimmy. "There's a drinking game going and then after ... we're all going to get together and do something special."

"We?" I interrupted.

"Yeah, 'the crew.' Me, Freezie, Jim, Marco, Craig, Paige, ... and even you ... if you want. It'll be fun." Heather gave me a winning smile with so much conviction that I knew something was up, but I just didn't trust the skank.

* * *

"It's good to see you eating something again." Mom commented as I played around in some shreaded wheats she handed me. I was eating all right. "You might want to get dressed." 

"I have no plans for today. I think I'll just go back to sleep." I groaned. It was a Saturday morning and generally I had plans for the weekend, but today I just didn't feel like being ... even sitting at the table was taking so much energy out of me. Could I endure much more?

**'No one loves you more than me'  
**

"Alex, you can't give up your life because Jay died. You act like he was your entire life honey. What about your friends? That Michael was really nice." She persisted.

"He was my life mom. The best part of it at least. You know I actually _hated _him the last few days I had with him. I knew he was going to die and even with everything he put me through nothing and no one compares." I shook my head in disgust with myself.

**'And no one ever will' **

"What about Michael? I thought he was the best thing in your life." She shot back.

"Michael was a distraction from Jay. He's good ... but it's like having ice cream from Cold Stone and afterwards eating some from Wendy's. It's just not as good." I pointed out.

Why did I care so much? Why couldn't I just let him go? I felt so much remorse that it was overshadowing the pain. And regret never felt so bad.

"It's okay honey. You can cry. It's okay." Mom tried to hug me as I shoved her off.

"No."

"Good, Alex you're up." My father walked into the room as I gave mom a look.

**'Is this just a silly game'**

"You stayed the night Javier?"

"Of course. You're my only child and I don't want you to suffer." He answered. I looked to my mom for a response. She wasn't looking at me. Something was going on.

"Could I have a moment with my mom?" I asked.

"Yeah. I'll be ... outside I guess."

"What's going on mom? I've seen you give me that look before and something isn't right." I paused. "Did Javier find out about you--"

"No and I'm keeping it that way. But ... don't worry about us." She smiled. "That nice boy Marco called. He invited you over and I told him you would go see him tomorrow."

"Great."

* * *

"These games are so asinine." Manny complained as I nodded in agreement. A couple of drinks later, we were all a little buzzed and ready for anything. I still hadn't seen Fareeza yet. I tried to make it through the crowd to see her but she was too busy making a spectacle of herself. 

This was just a faze. I was tired of arguing about it and being ignored. She needed to get over it. Why couldn't Fareeza just get depressed and mourn like everyone else? Why did she have to go all super shallow and hollow on me?

**'That forces you to act this way'**

"Ready?" Heather chimed in.

"Let's just get it over with." I mumbled as the games began. I looked down the other end to see what we were doing ... some stupid game from that lame ass movie _Clueless _that Fareeza made me watch. This was some bullshit.

"Time to see who can keep up." Heather walked up and down the line messing with people to get someone to drop the tiny square piece of paper so that they would end up kissing each other.

One mistake and--my thoughts were silenced by the fact that my lips were now against Manny's. What the hell?

**'Forces you to scream my name'**

I couldn't indulge in the moment, because then I'd get slack from Freezie, and if I pulled away, it would hurt Manny's feelings. So I did what any gentleman would do, I let her decide when and how it would end.

As our lips parted my eyes were glued to Manny. I was finally starting to see some truth in why people were questioning our friendship. Maybe something really was there, but I was just so blind...

"Wow. That was passionate." Heather smirked as other people who witnessed the kiss cheered. Manny looked at me, not panicked like I thought she would be, but eerily together and ... I saw a flicker of hope in her eyes.

**'Then pretend that you can't stay'**

"What the hell was that?" She asked me suddenly after noticing the crowd was growing and realizing our surrounding. "Can't you do it right Jimmy?"

"You're the one who let it go." I argued back.

"Heather's the one who tickled me."

"Please. I didn't do anything. You two have been wanting to kiss for a long ass time. Don't blame me ... but I think you two have got some explaining to do." She gave us both a triumphed look and continued partying. A sad-faced Craig and a steaming mad Fareeza stood in front of us.

**'Tell me, who I have to be'**

"She's right." Manny sighed. "See you around?" I nodded as she looked at me intensely. "We soo just got set-up." Manny whispered.

**'To get some reciprocity'**

* * *

Here I was again, back where I started. What a stupid law. If they knew how unfit my "mother" was, they wouldn't be sending me back here. And the baby ... damn that baby ... it would be due soon. 

"Amy. Welcome home." Diane gave me a sly smile with Christian pacing and lingering in the background. Coward.

**'See no one loves you more than me and no one ever will'**

"When's the baby due?" I wondered, thinking of a way that I could get rid of it ... I still would prefer it to her any day.

"Now don't you worry about that sugar. What don't you go upstairs and unpack?" Diane gave me a fake smile in front of the cops.

"Thanks ... mom." I shuddered as I said it. A mother was supposed to be nurturing and encouraging, not a jealous, backstabbing bitch like mine was.

**'No matter how I think we grow you always seem to let me know'  
**

As I walked up the steps, I began to see just how conniving Diane was. Not only did I not have a room anymore--it was now dedicated to the baby, but the guestroom had become an office. In simplest terms, there was no place for me to stay.

By the time I had realized it, the officers had disappeared. I was stuck here with no space to call my own.

**'It ain't workin'**

"What's wrong Amy? Looks like a cat got your tongue!" Diane exclaimed with an evil cackle. Why have me here at all if she was going to do this? "Don't look so sober. There's lot of floorspace here if you want a place to sleep." She sneered.

**'It aint workin'**

"Hmm ... I'd prefer sleeping with your husband." I snarled back as Christian held back a smile and Diane stomped off. "I didn't mean that," I said to him. "That part of my life is over."

* * *

**'And when I try to walk away'**

"Manny, please? What was that?" I asked in disgust.

"Craig, it was a stupid game that I didn't even want to play. I'm sorry. You should've been the one standing beside me." Manny pled methodically.

"Well, I wasn't. Something's going on with you. You want to be rid of me?" I urged.

"Just forgive me okay? It was nothing." Manny promised. I wasn't secure that she wasn't lying because her chopped black bangs stood in the way of her eyes. "I'm going to be Manny Manning remember?"

**'You'd hurt yourself to make me stay'**

She joked with a giggle, holding me close to her before giving me a passionate kiss. "I only want you." Manny whispered, wrapping her delicate hands around my neck and giving me another gentle encounter.

She had this power over me. Anything Manny would say to me, I would believe. Everything couldn't be roses all the time.

* * *

"I hope you know the only reason I'm here is because of my mom." Alex admitted. "And thanks for letting Sean be here." I nodded as I watched Blu U-turn out of the room. She was avoiding Sean who was staring down Ellie who was trying to pretend like she didn't notice _and _that she wasn't pregnant. 

**'This is crazy'**

"How can I complain when someone finally got you to go somewhere? I thought you dissolved into outerspace or something." I responded as Sean kept avoiding my gaze.

"On a serious note, can I talk to you alone?" She asked. I didn't want to leave Ellie there with Sean and she was giving me a look that reflected my own feelings about it, but Alex needed my help too.

I heard their voices immediately after, but tried to ignore it.

**'This is crazy'**

"Sure." I paused as Ellie and Sean disappeared into the kitchen. "What's up?"

"Something is going on with my parents ... something weird."

"Parents as in--"

"My mom and dad should be together. They are like the better version of me and Jay, if that would have existed. I don't want them to have regrets like I did and I won't live without both of them in my life." Alex finished convincingly.

Here she was unfolding all this baggage onto me and I had no idea that any of this was going on.

"Why are you telling me this now?" I thought out loud, but it was not how I wanted her to hear it.

"They love each other. I see it. They think they're so good at flirting with each other around me, covering it up with digs, but I can see it." Alex paused. "Right now Marco, this is the only thing I want."

"You can't force love." I sighed glancing at Blu. Her and Spinner made my skin crawl.

"I know Dr. Phil. Just give me the abbreviated version." Alex rolled her eyes, exhibiting some of the sass that she was known for.

"Make them see what you see."

* * *

"I want answers. Do you want her?" Fareeza asked angrily. 

**'I keep letting you back in'**

"Where do you get off questioning me Freezie? This is the first time you've really talked to me the entire night." I argued back, disgusted. I hadn't even had time to process what just happened and already I was being judged.

"Just tell me if you do. I've dealt with this before." She sighed, showing the first signs of humanness I had seen out of her all night.

"You brushed it off." I responded. "You control this relationship Freezie. You always have and if you think I'm to blame there's nothing I can do, but just know that I'm willing to ... stay together." I declared.

"I'm just so confused right now." Fareeza tossed her fresh, blonde hair over her shoulder. "Graduation is coming up soon and maybe--"

"Don't give me that excuse. Either you want us or you don't."

"We have a lot to talk about." She answered, giving my hand a short squeeze before Heather butted in and took her back to 'party.' So much for that talk.

* * *

"Amy, why so bitter?" Christian wondered. One week. I had lasted one week without touching him or even encountering him. He made it so hard, always lurching around, admiring me, being nice to me ... it was really sexy. 

**'How can I explain myself'**

But he wasn't. "Don't you have a job to go do?"

"I work at home now ... you know, for the baby's sake." He shrugged.

"Can you handle a kid?"

"We'll find out." He replied.

"I'm just surprised Diane let some 'protrusion' throw her stomach out of proportion." I joked. "Major plastic surgery afterwards."

"You're mad about the baby still?" Christian looked at me concerned.

**'As painful as this thing has been'**

"Oh please. You should really be an actor." I scrunched up my nose at him. "I'm not going to go spewing me feelings to you so I can be vulnerable and we can end up in bed together. No way."

"But you're so beautiful." He caressed my face.

"I'm not falling for that again. Look all you want but ..." My voice trailed off as he touched me, not physically but just the way he was looking at me.

**'I just cant be with no one else'**

I was helpless. I was still the same naive girl that thought she was in love. I just wanted someone to love me so bad.

* * *

"Alex isn't going to be happy to see these." I told Javier who still wouldn't look at me. 

**'See I know what we got to do'**

"I'm not apologizing. You gave me these years ago, but I refused to sign them. I signed them today. It's okay." I reasoned as he just shrugged. "Talk to me." I pressed as I left the papers and we went outside to talk.

"I don't get sappy and do the whole first love thing, but our daughter needs us. Now is not the time--"

**'You let go and I'll let go too'**

"Divorce papers? How could you? You tried to keep it from me." Alex chocked back a tear. They were on the counter mom!"

"You weren't supposed to find out like this. Javier and I--" Alex cut me off.

"Why? You love him don't you? I can see it mom."

"It doesn't matter Lexi. Javier has his own life. I have my own life." She answered, keeping her voice low.

"Just do one thing for me then ... just one thing... go out with him. Just you two." Alex begged looking from me to Javier and back.

* * *

"I love you Christian." Amy whispered as we lay in tossled sheets, soiled by our fornication ... our boundless lust for each other. 

**'Cause no one's hurt me more than you'**

"Don't spoil it Amy." I turned away from her, taking a hit of coke. It would clear my mind.

"I won't let you have her. I can't. Tell me you don't love me." Amy begged like a defenseless child.

"This is not some little Dawson's Creek juvenile thing. This is serious Amy. Too serious for a married man. We're having fun sweetie. Lighten up." I answered, pulling at her seductively. "Come here." I coaxed,pulling Amy closer to me.

**'And no one ever will'**

With her there were no wrongs and rights. I didn't love Amy at all, but I just wanted her. I couldn't stand the thought of anyone else having her, but me which was why I put an end to her and Alex. That lesbian thing.

And then there was the thought of men paying little of nothing to see her gorgeous body. That body belonged to me. I made sure that law enforcement brought back what was stolen from me. Amy.

* * *

(A/N: I already wrote the next two chapters so just one more to go. Make sure to review. Let me know if you want to know who these songs are by too!! --NL) 


	53. Deliver Me

Deliver Me

"Not again." Manny grumbled after hearing the fire alarm bell. "It always happens when I'm right in the middle of wiping my butt." She joked, quickly washing off her hands and rushing out of the door.

"Yeah." I added my one-liner hoping that she didn't notice, that no one noticed. Sure Manny and I were around each other a lot again, like the old days, but it was just _like _them and _not _them.

"It better not be JT playing around and being a loser again." She continued babbling as we came across the accused.

"Do you see Liberty? She's like tripping over her own feet to get out of here!" Danny laughed loudly.

"Or to get to you." JT shot back

"I know you guys did this and as future Senior president, I _demand _that this stop." Liberty exclaimed as Danny kept laughing and JT shrugged.

"You have no proof." Danny pushed.

"The school has cameras."

"So what? Degrassi's been having a lot of drills. What does that have to do with me?"

"Mr. York." Ms. H began as JT cowered away. "I'd like to speak to you outside."

"And that's why I'm glad that I've moved on from such juvenile boyfriends. JT? What was I thinking?" Manny began talking again. "Was I even thinking or was I just plain desperate? He's like the Tom Green of--"

"Would you shut it?" I can't even hear myself think anymore with all your drama!" I shouted as Manny looked at me in surprise.

"What is _up _with you lately Em? I feel like I'm talking to a brick wall sometimes."

"Enough with the cliques. I'm just sick of you complaining all the time. What were you thinking with JT? What were you thinking with Spinner or Craig or Jimmy."

"You know I'm not with Jimmy." Manny responded softly, ignoring the part about Craig.

"Oh, but you wanted to. Until Craig came crawling back, you were thinking about Jimmy that way and I know it. When things fall apart, don't run to me to fix your problems."

"You were never there for me to run to. You're so caught up in your own sexcapades that I can't … forget it. See you outside." She brushed past me with tears in her eyes as I sighed. Great. More drama that is Manny.

For a second, I thought about what I was thinking. The real reason that I was on Manny's case in the first place was because it obscured the real problem—me. Who expects to go from the top of the world to having everyone talk about you to losing the guy who ruined your rep in the first place?

**'Deliver me out of my sadness.'**

And to think … Jay was HIV positive. Positive. He never once said a word to me. He just kept getting sick, but he wouldn't give me any answers.

Now, I'm left with so many questions … like if he really cared about me at all. Alex's outburst at the funeral showed just how complex those two were … and I was beginning to think how much better things would've been for everyone if that bullet had hit me instead, right in the middle of the forehead.

"Emma."

"What do you want Toby?"

"I'm saving you. I came back into the burning building to--"

"Save it. Everyone knows it's just another false alarm like we've been having all week. I'll be out in a second." I forced myself to continue moving, unaware that I had stopped in the first place. When would this day end and would I ever stop feeling like this?

**'Deliver me from all of the madness.' **

School was a drag. I was now Emma Nelson, the complete opposite of what I used to be and it was downright depressing. With so many thoughts running through my mind, I was drained. The only thing I wanted to do was sleep, but that was highly unlikely.

Sleep didn't exist to me, in this world. There was only one other thing that mattered to me and ... he wasn't there. And I didn't mean Jay. What I was doing was almost a betrayal to him. I was just repeating my past mistakes, right?

I groaned. Who cared? I'd just pop down one of mom's pills and be done with it already. Only I had already taken two by seven and still felt no signs of relaxedness. What junk. There was only one thing it was good for--

"Emma. Emma!" Spike called as I rolled my eyes. "Dinner!"

I slipped the pills into my purse. I would deal with them later, at school ... when it hurt the most.

* * *

**'Deliver me courage to guide me.' **

Mom's sleeping pills … Spike's pills … oh, the things I could do with these, the havoc I could cause, the hearts I could break. Best of all, I wouldn't have anyone to answer to. Tossing the bottle between my hands, I started to think about how everyone would react.

I'd really be the talk of Degrassi, but I wouldn't have to hear their whispers and stares … the ones that had begun to intensify again since Jay's burial.

"Emma …" I jumped hearing a voice, but seeing nothing. I was really starting to lose it.

"Emma…"

"Sean?"

"Emma." Sean whispered the next morning as we met behind the school in the woods, too early for anyone in their right mind to be there yet.

"I was just thinking about you." I smiled as he met me with a kiss. "You taste good." I joked overwhelmed with a sense of meaning and purpose. I mattered to someone other than my mom again.

"Yeah. Having problems sleeping?"

"A little since … you know." I sighed.

"Ever wish you could go back?"

"To what?" I wondered.

"To just start everything over?" Sean stood up throwing a rock into the distance for no apparent reason.

"Sometimes, but I'm starting to like now a lot more than before."

"Things are easier with you." Sean added while I grinned. Sean as sensitive? That was the side only I got to see.

**'Deliver me strength from inside me.'**

"Class is about to start." I said with a sigh. "If I'm late again, Spike will start walking me to class." I joked, but Sean barely noticed. "I'll meet you again today. Promise."

"Same time and place?" He wondered as I nodded, giving him a slow, sweet kiss and then running off to class.

* * *

"So are you over your mood yet? I thought about it and decided that us hating each other is stupid. But, I'm not sure if we'll ever be like we used to be." Manny came up to me later that day as we walked to Chem class. 

"I don't either, but we're friends. That's all that matters." I agreed with a nod, still elated from my earlier contact with Sean. Oh, the things he did to me... and without even trying.

"It's a start," Manny gave me a quick hug as we synchronized our step, laughing hysterically about how dorky we were being. Our fun came to a stop when Manny came face to face with Jimmy.

**'Deliver me loving and caring.'**

"Hey." Manny smiled, suddenly looking unconfident.

"How are you?"

"I'm just awful. You're here to make me feel better?" She joked giving me a look as if asking for my permission to leave. I winked back at her as the two of them walked down the hallway. That girl always had some guy ... or in this case two guys on her brain, but she wouldn't be Manny if she didn't.

As a wandered through the hall solo, I started to feel really alone. It was always there, waiting, dormant when I was with other people, but eventually I would have to be alone. The emptiness would come.

In that moment, I missed Sean. By the time my first class was over, I still felt that way. Empty. It had completely taken over me. We were planning to meet after next period, but time seemed like it didn't want to move. The seconds felt like days.

As class was dismissed early, I wondered what was going on, immediately searching for Manny. She would know. Now that she was back and together again, Manny was practically running the school.

But, I couldn't find her anywhere.

Now, I was trying to figure out how I was going to escape from Ms. Kwan's hawk eyes. She was so in tune to what I was thinking that she would probably stop me from going to towards Sean before I even took a step in the wrong direction.

"Ms. Nelson, care to join us?" Kwan asked with a smile. I knew it. I hadn't even left the crowd yet … but I had stopped walking, without even noticing.

"Yeah. Sorry." I muttered, increasing my pace until I was back in my old spot. Great. "Hey, what's going on?" I yelled to no one in particular. Jay had shown me all the secret passageways in the building and if I knew where we were going, I could plan how to get out without anymore delays.

"Pep rally!" Someone yelled, and instantly I knew how I was going to get out of this. I sat on the bleachers, watching the spirit squad, minus Paige, do their thing, only staying to support Manny. I still wasn't sure if we were on the same page again.

As I began to make my exit, under the bleachers, the fire alarm went off.

Wonk! Wonk! Wonk!

I couldn't have planned it better if I had pulled the alarm myself. Now, I would get to see Sean and even better, we would be alone.

In a panic, girls started to scream and guys started to cheer. I slipped out the back of the gym, running against the crowd. It was a nearly impossible feat, much like being caught fighting against a heavy water current. But nothing could keep me from this. I was looking forward to this all day.

**'Deliver me giving and sharing.'**

* * *

"They told me if I skip one more class I'll have to repeat," Sean explained after meeting me late at out hide-out place. 

"So it's school or me?" I sighed, reaching for his hand. "We better make this count then." Without a second of second-guessing myself, I kissed Sean as strongly as I could. I wanted him to feel how much I needed him. I knew he needed me just as much.

Wonk! Wonk! Wonk!

The fire alarm continued in my ears. I didn't know if it had just started going off again or just went off, but it was _always _a false alarm … that JT. "Do you think we should--"

"No. That gives us even more time." Sean laid me down abruptly as I burst out laughing. I couldn't believe how _happy _I was with him. As the alarm continued for an extended time, Sean and I lay beside each other half-naked.

We were already exhausted and nothing happened. We were just … free. "Why is that alarm still going?"

"Maybe a kitchen fire? It might be broken … I don't know and don't care."

**'Deliver me.' **

"Yeah me--" The words could barely come out of my mouth before I reached for the door and jumped back. "It's hot."

"What? Stop playing."

"I'm not. It's hot."

Sean looked at me, not panicked, he never panicked, but concerned. "Let me try." Kicking at the door, it burst open as the room was engulfed with flames.

"Oh my God." I whispered. Fire was everywhere. Taking my hand, Sean pulled me towards the other exit. There was still hope.

**'All of my life. I've been in hiding... '**

"We'll get out of this." Sean promised as we made our way out of the closet and into the library book isles. "We have to hurry though--"

As things began to fall everywhere, I looked back for a second, just to see what we'd narrowly escaped. In that instant, Sean crumpled to the ground, knocked down by one of the book shelves that was now starting to burn.

"Sean, honey get up. Please." I pulled at his hand, but there was no response. "Please." I pleaded, sitting down beside him and rocking back in forth, repeating an old prayer from the times when my mom used to take me to church.

**'wishing there was someone just like you.' **

Sean was going to get up and save me … any time. I was sure of it. He was my hero, my everything, my … "Sean!" I yelled again at the top of my lungs. Still no answer.

**'Now that you're here. Now that I've found you.' **

After waiting for what seemed like hours, I realized that Sean wasn't going to get up and save me. He wouldn't be my superman. I was going to have to get up and protect us both, but I didn't know if I could do it. If we just waited here, people would realize that we were gone and they'd help us.

The flames kept rising and I could feel the heat approaching my back. Forcing myself to display courage I left ignored, I reached for Sean's arms and started pulling. He wouldn't budge. Nothing was working.

**'I know that you're the one to pull me through.' **

"Come on Emma!" I yelled to myself, using everything I had to move him … and he did. I was saving us, as the rest of Degrassi burned to the ground.

**'Deliver me.' **

(A/N: I wrote this way before I wrote most of the third half of this story, so if it seems out of place it's because another story was supposed to come before it, but I lost inspiration and think this one is long enough already. Just review ... 2 more ... --NL)


	54. Jumper

Jumper

"We are all gathered here in memory of what was once Degrassi High School. Now is the time where we can remember all of the good, bad, and tragic things that have happened at Degrassi, including the recent losses this year. Senior James Brooks lights this candle to remember his mother…"

I turned around, looking at Spinner. I knew what was coming. She was going to talk about her younger cousin that Spinner had a very good chance of being the murderer of. He glanced at me, but wouldn't really look me in the eye.

I couldn't expect much more than that since our relationship was 95 physical, but it was only because he was hurting so much. Spinner was so numb, stiff, solid, frozen and I was just so screwed up that I began to care for someone with an icy heart like his.

"And finally…" I heard Fareeza sigh. I could see the hurtness on her face. Since the fire, she had changed a lot too in the worst war. She wasn't back to her Hijab, but instead added fake contacts to the equation. "I'd like everyone to remember my loss this year of my eleven-year-old cousin Ahmed who was going to visit me this summer … we had a lot of plans, but they were ruined. He was _murdered."_

Immediately, Spinner started making his way through the crowd, with my eyes watching the entire time. I followed, in case he decided to do something like get high and drive off.

**'The angry boy a bit too insane, icing over a secret pain.' **

"He was murdered by one of Degrassi's own." Fareeza paused as the audience stood still in shock. "Gavin Mason." She continued as if they were on trial or something. After that, I heard nothing else since I was following Spinner.

"Where are you going?" I yelled chasing after him, my cropped hair hitting the sides of my neck.

"I'm doing what everyone at Degrassi wants me to do … or at least will after Fareeza is done with them. They all hate me." He sighed, walking backwards and directly into Darcy. "Darcy?"

**'You know you don't belong.' **

"Darcy do you hate him? Do you want him to run off and do something stupid because Fareeza's having a major power trip right now?" I stepped in as Spinner continued gawking at her, which made me completely sick.

"Well … Blu is it?" She began. "Spinner's life has nothing to do with mine anymore. He can do whatever he wants." As she walked off Spinner kept going, now filled with rage on top of worthlessness.

"Where are you going?" I repeated with a huge sigh. Not how it was supposed to turn out. Darcy was supposed to care and stop him.

"You heard her. Darcy couldn't care less if I was dead or alive. So, you just back off Blu and stop pretending we mean more to each other than we do." He hopped into his car, leaving me stranded.

**'You're the first to fight.' **

Spinner was my ride and as of now, I was stuck in this place where I was definitely the most out-of-place one there. There was only one person that could help. "Marco. I need you."

* * *

"Do you really think that was necessary?" Jimmy reprimanded me after the her speech was over and Spinner had run off into the crowd. "You blamed him for a crime you're not sure he committed." 

"I know enough Jimmy. Since when did you start caring about the guy who put you in a wheelchair for almost a year of your life? You're not even one hundred percent now." I sighed.

"Neither are you." He started to turn away. "You're not the bigger person I thought you were."

"Wait, where are you going?" I nearly screamed. I could feel more and more heads turning in our direction. This was not good. I had a reputation to uphold. I had to keep it together and couldn't let them see me crumble. Ever.

"I'm walking away from you." He shrugged as I put my hand on his shoulder to stop him.

"Let's work it out, okay? You and me deserve each other." I paused. "You've helped me grow so much this year Jim and I don't think you would've been the same person without me in your life." I professed. "Just think about what you're walking away from."

**'You're way too loud.' **

"Can't you be genuine for at least a second? What the hell's the matter with you?! Why are you so damn cold?"

"Please." I heard my voice crack. "Don't leave me like this. We can't end it like this." I reasoned as Jimmy bowed his head, continuing to walk. "I was the one who was faithful in this relationship." I reasoned.

"More like faithless. You've had more guys come to your room than Amy and Blu combined. I know all about it," He said as I looked away. Those 'guys' were just to make people see that I wasn't a goody-two shoes, to fool them into thinking that I was like them.

"I never touched them." I whispered. "I swear it to you, but you had a thing with Manny. I know it. That kiss at the party?" I took a short breath. "You know maybe we're just--" I cut myself off when I saw who was in front of me. Heather Sinclair, the girl I had been trying to hard to _be _the past few months.

"Maybe you're not good enough for me. I bet you can't handle it ... you may be walking now but it doesn't mean everything 'down under' is functioning correctly." I bit my lip unsurely. "I wonder what your mom would say if she saw how pathetic you are now."

"It's no wonder why Mohammed left you." Jimmy replied shortly while Heather gave him a sneer, later placing her hand on my shoulder and saying, "You're better than him Frizz." Then why didn't I feel like it?

* * *

"Spinner's going to do something stupid. You've got to help me Marco. Please." Blu begged as I closed my eyes. Why was this happening again? What did Spinner matter to me anymore? We surely weren't friends, but he kept finding a way to involve himself in my life. 

**'You're the flash of light on a burial shroud'**

"Please?"

"You always ask me to do the impossible." I started.

"And you pull through every time."

"But I can't anymore. You've got to handle it on your own." I explained.

"You're just gonna let him die out there? You won't stand up to the one man who r-" I covered Blu's mouth and took her by the hand, dragging her into the parking lot.

"Don't you ever talk about that. Ever! You're not allowed. You lost all those privileges when you decided to be with Spinner!" I yelled emotionally. It was sickening how _jealous _I was of them even though I didn't want that kind of relationship with Blu.

**'I know something's wrong.' **

I didn't want to sleep with her, I just wanted her to be around like she used to. That way I wouldn't have had to face the truth and tell my dad everything. Where we stand now, I don't know, but it did suck without Blu's drama.

"Can you get a fucking grip? You know I'm not one of those sentimental types and I don't believe in really 'loving' someone, but I- I really care about him, okay? It's not just about having a warm bed at night or feeling protected." She started.

Tears traced the outside of her eyes. "There's something in him that I've never seen or had with anyone else." Blu wrapped her hands in mine. "Please don't let it die. Part of me will go with him. I'm begging you Marco, just this one last time. Spinner needs to know that this former friends care about his life."

**'Well he's on the table.' **

* * *

The assembly-fair-thingy was interesting. There was definitely a good message there for everyone--appreciate everything and everyone around you. Life was too short. Don't waste it, and all that other stuff. It was another evasion to stop me from addressing the real problem. 

I was now totally aware of why more marriages ended after children than before kids. It is impossible to do anything that doesn't revolve around them. Suddenly, you were last on the list if you even made it, which was a huge change from my normal life.

**'And he's gone to cold' **

Rushing to the parking lot was just a reminder of what I had left back at Craig's place. To my surprise, I wasn't the only one crowded around unmoving automobiles. Seeing Jimmy there alone just changed the entire semblance of the situation.

"You okay there Jimster?" I yelled smiling. I couldn't help but smile when I saw people like him, that repelled my stress.

"I thought everyone witnessed that Passions moment back there." He joked immediately.

"Not me. I guess I really missed something, huh?" I hopped onto the hood of someone's car, sitting next to him. "What's up?"

"Fareeza is tripping." Jimmy shook his head in disgust.

"Tell me something new. That's like an everyday thing." I shook my head. "What was it about?" I wondered. In response, Jimmy just gave me a look. I sighed. "Me."

"She thinks we have a thing going on."

"Funny. Craig thinks it too ... so does the entire student body." I tossed my hair over my shoulder. "Do we have a thing Mr. Brooks?"

"I don't cheat. You know that." He exhaled. "She's pissed off about the party."

"Hon, that was weeks ago. Tell Fareeza to get a grip. She's got you." I gave him a soft push which stopped him from looking at the ground. "Finally. Do I see hope in your eyes?"

"And I don't see why it's that important to everyone." I continued. "We weren't the only one's who couldn't suck right and ended up kissing. If memory serves correctly it was Heather Sinclair's idea. Maybe Fareeza and Craig should hate her instead for making us play juvenile games."

**'And I do not think anyone knows what they're doing here.' **

"Yeah. Heather sure has a way of making a mess of everyone else's life." Jimmy finally voiced an opinion.

My mind started running crazy scenarios after thinking of that night. "But, hypothetically if you could date anyone at Degrassi, and it couldn't be any of your exes, including Fareeza, who would it be and why?" I wondered.

"I don't play 'what if' games. _This _is juvenile." He stood up. Sensing that he was trying to avoid me, I slid off the car and walked in step with him.

"I choose you." I admitted as he stopped in his tracks. "I mean I _would _pick you if I didn't have Craig. We're already established or something like that. You already know me."

"Damn girl. You just read my mind." Jimmy smiled. "But right now, I want you to tell me what to do about Fareeza." He demanded. What a one-track mind.

"Of course Mr. Brooks. If I were you..." I began some long, drawn out situation of how I would make it work. All the while I was thinking about what I said. That was a stupid move. One hundred percent true, but idiotic.

**'And you're friends have left you.' **

I was just so unhappy with Craig right now that any alternative seemed to work. But it didn't change how my feelings were shifting. Who would've thought I'd want to be with Jimmy ... that we'd want to be with each other but couldn't? It wasn't that long ago when we didn't know each other or travel in the same social circles.

Now, here I was giving him advice on how to keep a girl that didn't appreciate him, one who took the lowest blow possible when she talked about his dead mother. And after that, I would ask him how to bring the romance back to my relationship with Craig ... now that I didn't want him anymore.

**

* * *

**

'So much for being sober,' I thought taking in another puff. It felt so good, but it wasn't good enough. I still had a craving for something else to end this embarrassment, pain, and lack of reason for existing.

No one really cared about me. I was sitting here waiting for someone to come after me when I knew it wouldn't happen. After Fareeza was through, there wouldn't be one person who didn't want to see me dead. And I didn't know what the deal with Blu was...

**'You've been dismissed.'**

Why would she start to tell me those things about her father and then just not care? I shrugged. I didn't care either.

I, Spinner Mason, was nothing but a dejected loser. Destined for nothing, no more important than a peeble or a blade of grass.

Naturally, I could see what was next. Death. I had had my high points in life, although now I couldn't think of any, and stuck on the low points. There was no getting up from this fall, only falling further and further down.

So why deal with all this pressure, struggle, and guilt when I could just end it now? I felt my face soften as a song resonated in my mind. 'If I die, I'ma be high...' Yep. She had the right idea.

**

* * *

**

**'And I want you to know.'**

"You guys busy?" Marco asked as Paige and I exchanged glances.

"We were enjoying the fair hon--"

"Before the real world steps in." I finished for Paige. "What?"

"Hazel, that isn't funny." Paige protested. "I'm going to visit Matt today. I haven't seen him since the trial you know."

"Do you think he even wants to see you? You got him off the hook, yes, but his teaching career is over. What is he going to do now?" I wondered.

"Get over it. He'll forgive just like I did when I saved his narrow behind that day. I've lost Bantering forever, but I'm not complaining about it." Paige responded.

"That's because you've got your sights set on New York University."

"Can you guys stay focused for just a second?" Marco chimed in. "Come with me. I'll explain everything on the way there." Marco finished, picking up his phone and giving Blu a call.

**'Everyone's got to face down the demons.' **

* * *

We all met at the cliff. I had no idea how I knew he would be there, but it was just a stroke of luck. Spinner had to see this--all of his friends--here before he made another move. 

"Spinner don't. Don't do it!" Paige yelled as he barely stirred. Marco, Hazel, Paige, and me … we were all here for him.

**'Maybe today you could put the past away.'**

"Please Spinner." I begged, walking towards him, noticing just how close to the edge of the cliff he was. With a joint in his hand, he threw it down suddenly as I watched how big the drop was. It was as if he was in a trance. Spinner didn't realize just how close I was to him until a few rocks scuffled under my feet.

**'I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend.' **

"Don't come any closer Blu. I'm warning you."

"Spin, don't be stupid!" Marco screamed behind us, still steamed from my connection to Spinner.

**'You could cut ties with all the lies that you've been living in. **

"Just listen. Just walk over here with me and we'll figure this out. Me, you, Marco, Paige, and Hazel. We're all here for you Spinner. We love you and we don't want you to do this to yourself. Don't." I reasoned.

"Where's Fareeza or better yet Jimmy. Do they care about me!?" He cried back.

**'And if you do not want to see me again'**

"You think you're the only one, don't you?" I wondered, losing control.

**'I would understand.' **

"The only one for what? Why don't you just go and save the crying for my--"

"Funeral?" I shook my head in disgust. "You're not the only one that's thought about it Spinner. In fact, if we're getting down to it I'm the one who should be standing on that cliff. I killed my father. When he survived the beating, I went back for more. I went back to his house, stalked him an-and ... It's only a matter of time before they find his body. Once Matt finds out, I'll really be alone."

"My father will disown me if he finds out that I'm lying about not being gay again. He thinks Blu is my girlfriend. If he ever thinks otherwise, I'm toast." Marco spoke up unexpectedly.

**'Maybe today you could put the past away.' **

"I had an abortion that I didn't even want, to a child fathered by a former Degrassi student that stood where you're now standing. Maybe if he hadn't done it, things would be different. Maybe I could've been a mother." Hazel stepped up as well.

Her attention turned to Paige who shrugged her shoulders, whispering, "I've never wanted to kill myself."

"Yes you have Paige. Tell them about Dean."

**'I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend.'**

"He knows about Dean, okay? I don't want to rehash it."

"But he doesn't know that Dean is the reason that Matt was in jail. Dean betrayed your trust you trusted him--"Marco started, but what immediately interrupted.

"I don't want to talk about this, okay? I'm just so tired of everyone getting hurt for no reason. There's no reason for this Spinner. Fareeza is just full of bull shit. We all know it." Paige explained.

**'You could cut ties with all the lies that you've been living in.' **

"But she's right. I killed, I hurt people ... I did the most horrible things … how can you guys ever forgive me?" Spinner broke down, falling to his knees and almost to his doom, had I not been there to pull him back.

**'And if you do not want to see me again, I would understand.' **

"I forgive you, but you have to love yourself again. You have to be better than my father, than Dean, than Mohammed. Then maybe, we can both heal together. You don't have to close yourself off to everyone, especially not me." I whispered holding him tightly.

**'I would understand.' **

We just rocked back and forth, more connected than we had been the entire year. It was wholly non-sexual and fully the best release I could've ever thought of. This year at Degrassi, I had learned so much about myself and one of those things was just to be real—to not play the sexed up nympho anymore, but to know it was okay to cry, hurt, not alone, but with someone else. And it always felt better to be with someone than to do it alone.

**'I would understand.' **

(A/N: So, this was random but I found this song again and I loved it. I know I already wrote about suicide with "Rainy Day" but Third I Blind seems to be the perfect match for chapters on Spinner, so I used it. Hope you like and I want some input, positive or negative, I need it and … I'm going to finish this up ... I know it's melodramatic, but hey ... one more chapter left!! –NL)

btw: As a Blonde is by Fefe D

Revolver, the Donnas

Ex Factor, Lauryen Hill

Deliver Me, Sarah Brightman

Jumper, Third Eye Blind

Wasted, D.L.


	55. Preview to Alternate Ending

Since I haven't updated in two weeks, I'll give you a sneak of what you will be seeing soon.

Scar

(A/N: Okay, I lied. This is one of TWO alternate endings. You can pick which one you prefer. This one is more angsty (by Fefe) and the other more optimistic. BTW, Jimmy's mom died back in Chap. 8- My Immortal. I've been writing this for a while so it's a little hard for even me to keep up … and now it's hard to let go—how could they get rid of JT?? –NL)

She lay there scarred, arms covered in boils where the threatening heat of the murderous flames almost engulfed her. If they had succeeded, she too would have been a distant memory, just like what was once Degrassi High School.

Now everyone just lived in shadow of that world. The end of school year had finally come, and with it, a new beginning all—not just the seniors.

You never really think anything bad can happen to you, can touch you. Even watching Jay die in front of my eyes, as I believed him when he said nothing was wrong, I still couldn't see him dying, but he did.

And now, I couldn't see Sean dying. But, it was inevitable. If he was okay, he would've been out by now. The longer the stay in the hospital, the more grim the situation.

My Sean. My emotional train wreck named Sean had finally crashed, big-time. My initial reaction was to cry about it and keep crying, to prepare myself for the inescapable.

* * *

"I remembered when you used to look at me like that. You used to spend time with me, remember that? It wasn't too long ago." I whispered as Manny came face-t-of-face with me.

"If you want me to say it, I won't. We have our problems Craig. That's it. They'll go away." She promised, cupping my hands and giving them a kiss. Now, she resembled the Manny I loved. "I'll be back soon, okay?"

"Wait." I stopped her. I really didn't want Manny to leave. I didn't want to be away from her for a second. Afraid of what might happen, I couldn't let her go.

"Well??"

"No goodbye kiss?" I wondered lamely as Manny gave me a small smile and a very sad kiss. There was no passion in it. Before I could demand more, she was gone.

* * *

"No talk about university. Just us. No baggage." I promised staring at him admirably. Jimmy really was so important in my life. "I love you." I whispered, kissing Jimmy softly.

"Yeah?" He muttered, pausing to stare into my eyes before returning the gift.

"I've been thinking," I said softly in between kisses. "There's something I want to do with you ... before you leave."

"Which is?"

"Something I should have done a long time ago." I whispered giving him a look that said it all. I didn't want to regret not giving Jimmy my all. In a way, it would be like marking my territory ... telling everyone else to back away because he belonged to me.

* * *

"I think you and 'Blu' have some talking to do." Dad suggested. "She's with that guy Marco. I walked in on them."

I sighed, trying to block the mental pictures myself. The battle was beginning. "I'll ask her about it later."

"What makes you think you can use my son?" Dad lashed out on Blu, not giving me a chance to 'smooth things over' ... or better yet plan what we were going to come up with together.

"You'll be lucky if he takes you back..."

* * *

"He's gone." Diane cried, looking at me for sympathy. How could I give it to a woman that didn't have a maternal bone in her body? She'd made me the messed up person that I am.

"Everything's gone..."

* * *

"Just meet me ... after graduation. I'll be there for you. I promise." Ellie hid her smile on the inside. She didn't want to get her hopes up, but this is exactly what she had been hoping for.

It was all as if she dreamed it up herself.

* * *

"I can't believe it's over."


	56. Scar: Part One

Scar

(A/N: Okay, I lied. This is one of TWO alternate endings. You can pick which one you prefer. This one is more angsty (by Fefe) and the other more optimistic. BTW, Jimmy's mom died back in Chap. 8- My Immortal. I've been writing this for a while so it's a little hard for even me to keep up … and now it's hard to let go—how could they get rid of JT?? –NL)

She lay there scarred, arms covered in boils where the threatening heat of the murderous flames almost engulfed her. If they had succeeded, she too would have been a distant memory, just like what was once Degrassi High School.

Now everyone just lived in shadow of that world. The end of school year had finally come, and with it, a new beginning all—not just the seniors.

You never really think anything bad can happen to you, can touch you. Even watching Jay die in front of my eyes, as I believed him when he said nothing was wrong, I still couldn't see him dying, but he did.

And now, I couldn't see Sean dying. But, it was inevitable. If he was okay, he would've been out by now. The longer the stay in the hospital, the more grim the situation.

My Sean. My emotional train wreck named Sean had finally crashed, big-time. My initial reaction was to cry about it and keep crying, to prepare myself for the inescapable.

I had already been doing that for a few days now. But looking at how close _I _came to death … I couldn't be that ungrateful anymore. I made it and was here for a reason. There was something on this earth that I was meant to do that … other people weren't.

**'Blooming palm trees.' **

I smiled looking outside my window. It was so beautiful tonight. The force of the wind blew the trees in back of the house back and forth. It wasn't a strong wind, but a gentle, pleasant and almost calming wind.

I had no _real _reason to be sad. I survived, AGAIN. I, Emma Nelson, am a survivor. Unfortunately, I couldn't say that for Sean.

Instantly, I was brought back to reality. I couldn't remember that day. Not in the least. Somehow, in my mind, I had died that day. We all had. That part of our lives was completely over.

Everything in my life was so uncertain. I went from knowing it all to not having a clue—

"Emma." I turned to see Spike standing at the door of my room. "You have a guest." She smiled in an awkwardly good mood,

"Well?" I sighed in anticipation. Ten bucks said it would be Manny. Or Liberty, JT, or Toby. The usuals.

**'Perfect sunsets.' **

"Okay honey. I'll just let your _visitor_ in." Spike continued being really secretive. Mom was definitely zesty today. I shrugged and started rubbing my hands over my once soft skin, wondering if my mind would heal first or my body.

"Obsessing over those scars? They'll heal." A confident voice declared behind me. I turned around as Sean Cameron came face to face with me as I nearly cried in pure, untainted joy.

"I-I thought …" My voice gave out on me as we joined together in a warm hug. "How long have you been out?"

"A day." Sean responded, kissing my forehead, then allowing his hands to run down my hair.

"And you didn't come see me the second you were out?" I nearly yelled. "I was so preparing myself for your burial Sean." I sighed in relief, giving him a swift push. "Jerk."

**'Trick my mind to get my feet wet.' **

"I owe you a 'thank you for saving my life.'" Sean answered giving me an uncertain kiss, leaving me in a huge blush.

"I'm still waiting for that thank you." I answered, crossing my arms with a smile permanently glued to my face.

"I _will_ thank you, but right now … I just want to be with you." He held out his hand as I grasped it eagerly.

"I'm glad you're not hurt." I voiced was my eyes met my scarred arms. I shuddered at the sight of them, all uncovered and out in the open. I may have not lost Sean but … yep … Things were definitely changing.

* * *

"Marisa's crying." I noted, sending a hint to Manny who sat stonily staring at nothing. I thought things were going great since our talk, but she'd been so distant. 

It hadn't been that long ago since Degrassi burned to the ground, but that was no reason for her to walk around like a zombie.

I was scared for Emma too, but no one had been seriously hurt, which left me clueless as to why Manny didn't seem to want the same things in life that I did anymore.

"Why don't you feed her?" Manny sighed, boredly, checking her phone again.

"What is it with you and that phone? You spend more time _looking _at it than spending time with me and our child." I complained running my hands through my hair.

Stressed couldn't begin to explain how I was feeling. I was beyond it. My meds were all out, money was running low, and I was tired of asking Joey and Caitlin for favors. I owed them at least a kidney, each.

"No I don't." Manny grumbled in response as her phone made a loud beeping sound and she picked it up instantly.

"I'll take care of it." I called behind my shoulder, rushing to Marisa. She looked fine, but she was probably just hungry. It was so hard to tell sometimes, like trial and error.

When I returned, Manny looked happier, or more pleasant I should say.

"Good news?" I asked, needing to hear that someone was happy.

"Actually, sucky news. We have spirit squad rehearsal." Manny sighed. "Damn."

**'I'm tired of lies.' **

"Funny that you've never mentioned it before … didn't you get kicked off of the squad?" I asked, catching her in a lie. Another lie. "If you want to go out, just say so."

"Fine. I want to go out. I'm _going _out." Manny replied, letting her hair down. Moments later, she was applying make-up.

"Where are you going?"

"Out." She answered, with some of that attitude that was starting to get to me.

"Do you have feelings for Jimmy?" I blurted out, even though confrontation was not my strong point. I was usually the one who messed up and had to be given the ultimatum.

**'Pressure rising.' **

"You are so random. What the hell kind of question is that? We're cool. That's it. End of story." Manny responded, conveniently _not _looking at me.

"I remembered when you used to look at me like that. You used to spend time with me, remember that? It wasn't too long ago." I whispered as Manny came face-t-of-face with me.

"If you want me to say it, I won't. We have our problems Craig. That's it. They'll go away." She promised, cupping my hands and giving them a kiss. Now, she resembled the Manny I loved. "I'll be back soon, okay?"

"Wait." I stopped her. I really didn't want Manny to leave. I didn't want to be away from her for a second. Afraid of what might happen, I couldn't let her go.

"Well??"

"No goodbye kiss?" I wondered lamely as Manny gave me a small smile and a very sad kiss. There was no passion in it. Before I could demand more, she was gone.

I shook my head. Even with that lame ass kiss, my body was still trembling from having made contact with hers. I loved her so much that it hurt.

* * *

"My phone had been ringing nonstop today." Ellie yelled, exhausted. I could tell the pregnancy was finally getting to her. That little firecracker was losing her snap, crackle, and pop. Poor thing. 

"I'll get it." I offered. It was the least I could do since we'd been out bargain shopping for baby stuff and had just gotten back. Since Sean was still unaware of the situation, I, Marco del Rossi was her surrogate baby's father.

I paused, frozen by the name that popped up. "You sure you want me to answer it?"

"Unless it's mom." Ellie answered back.

"I've got one worse for you." Ellie looked at me, confused, forcing herself onto two very tired feet and wobbling towards me. I wondered if I should've even mentioned it at all. Ellie didn't need anymore stress in her life. "Sean Cameron."

"Sean?" Ellie looked surprisingly happy, then when she noticed that I was looking at her, her expression changed to anger.

"Yeah. Sean." She grumbled, putting the ringer on silent and ignoring the call.

"Now, how did he manage to get your new phone number?"

"During my 'forgiving' stage, I gave it to him. When he came over here that time, we had a semi-normal talk and I told him it was okay."

"He must know about the baby then?" I asked, confused. I thought Ellie was over this. Sean wasn't coming back. That wasn't his style.

"No way. Sean Cameron would run away like a scared baby…"

"When why talk to him at all when you're just lying. Ellie, you can fool most people but you will get big eventually."

"I don't have answers to that. I just—" Ellie jumped as her phone started to play the All-American Reject's 'It Ends Tonight.' "My voicemail."

"Els." I pleaded as she picked up the phone so discreetly and secretively to check her message.

"I should check it and at least give me a chance to explain." She reasoned.

"Ellie, don't set yourself up for a--" She was already out of my sight.

* * *

"Marky Mark!" Blu yelled, walking into the house with Spinner tailing behind her, both of them joint by the hand. 

"Are you crazy? What if my dad sees you two together?"

"That's just it Marco. He already has." Blu sighed, looking at me sacredly. "I shouldn't have brought Spinner back here again … but you know alcohol and reason don't match."

"That's all you have to say?" I nearly yelled, running my hands through my hair. It was falling apart … everything.

"Maybe I should … wait out there." Spinner interjected, sensing how heavy the drama was getting.

"No. You're with me." She reiterated as I struggled between my anger over my father finding out the truth … which was really hurt and fear and my anger for her being with Spinner … what some people would call 'jealousy.'

I wasn't jealous. I just didn't like sharing the people I cared about with anyone else.

"How can I repair that damage?" I wondered, bringing the focus back to me. "You guys have got to leave before he gets back from work."

"But Marco, I liv--"

"Rachel and … friend. What's going on here?" None other than dad peaked into the doorway, the sound of his thick Italian accent causing me to shudder.

"Nothing, dad. They were just _leaving_." I spoke out, giving Bly a soft push out of the door. I didn't really 'push' her, but I was guiding her in the right direction … for me.

"I think you and 'Blu' have some talking to do." He continued, stepping into the house and closing the door behind him. No way. We were all trapped. "She's with that guy Marco … I walked in on them." Dad got close enough and whispered so that only he and I could hear what was being said.

I sighed. My worst nightmare was now in front of my face. "I'll ask her about it later." I responded, hoping to keep the peace and stall until I could think of something good.

"What makes you think you can use my son?" Dad yelled out unexpectedly, looking at Blu menancingly. "He gives you everything, including a home and you betray him?"

"Mr. del Rossi ... no disrespect meant, but--" Blu attempted a rebuttal.

"You'll be lucky if he takes you back. Tell her Marco." Dad rambled on.

"What dad?" I wondered as Blu gave me a look. I was losing control here.

"Even if you _beg_, he won't." Dad pushed looking at Blu like she was less than human. Sub-human or even lower.

"Good thing I won't be _begging_. Come on Mason. We're outtie." She hooked her hand in Spinner's as I forced myself to look away. This was way ugly.

**'You're all I have.'**

"Dad, please don't--"

"Go on Marco. Handle it like a man." He cut in as Spinner walked off without Blu. "This isn't your first break-up."

"Blu, he's right." I gave in. "How could you let another guy go there?" I allowed myself to believe that my father was justified.

"Marco. Please." Blu sighed, arms folded over her chest. "I think I should leave."

Blu reached towards me, but I pulled away and said, "Don't touch me. You're acting like trash ... gues sSean had good reasons for the way he treated you."

**'And now your're crying oh.'**

"You don't know what you're saying."

"But I do Blu. Why would I want to be with you when you give your 'love' to any guy in front of you? It's pathetic. You're sad. You're--" My words were cut off by a swift force that almost knocked me down. Blu had pushed me.

"Shut up you stupid sissy. Why do you even care who I date? You're still hung up on guys. We've never been together ... and just because we slept together ONCE, and I did it out of pity, doesn't mean anything..." She kept going on and on, but all I could hear was silence and the cold, wet, dripping of tears as they permeated my skin.

**'I hit you way too low.'**

I couldn't look at my dad. I couldn't. I just got back what I dished out times ten.

My father knew I was gay or ... maybe even bi because I was having all these feelings for Blu ... or whatever I was. I was sick of labels.

It didn't matter. To him, I was unnatural, disgusting. Dad _hated _me. In the blink of an eye I was standing outside, with my packed bags beside me. My life was over.

* * *

"I'm so tired of us fighting all the time." I admitted, taking Jimmy's hands in mine. "So, let's not. Instead, let's go do something." 

**'Come so far.'**

"You mean you actually have found time for me?" He snapped in response.

"Easy on the mood swings. We're peacefully coexisting, remember?" I wondered, grabbing my purse and preparing for a perfect day, I hoped.

"Always on your terms. Maybe I don't want to do anything today. Did you even stop to ask me how I'm feeling?" Jimmy complained as I turned to face him, perplexed.

"Something's going on? What is it?" I asked genuinely. The only time I could be real was when it was just us and I was starting to become more and more like the persona I had taken on.

"I'm fine." Jimmy sighed. "Stress, I guess with college and everything." I looked at him sadly. Why the "c" word? Why now?

**'I'm just another scar.'**

"No talk about university. Just us. No baggage." I promised staring at him admirably. Jimmy really was so important in my life. "I love you." I whispered, kissing Jimmy softly.

"Yeah?" He muttered, pausing to stare into my eyes before returning the gift.

"I've been thinking," I said softly in between kisses. "There's something I want to do with you ... before you leave."

"Which is?"

"Something I should have done a long time ago." I whispered giving him a look that said it all. I didn't want to regret not giving Jimmy my all. In a way, it would be like marking my territory ... telling everyone else to back away because he belonged to me.

"Fareeza ... we can't." Jimmy broke our embrace.

"Why not?"

"You can't take it back and it's apart of who you are, for one." Jimmy argued.

"I won't be a virgin forever." I stated, secretly hoping that would turn out to be true.

"But you only get one chance to decide when that is. Don't waste it." He replied.

**'And when you told me you don't love me anymore.'**

"Waste it? What are you talking about? I love you. You love me." I waited.

"It's what people _do. _You're acting like it's the plague. It's how you and me got into this world."

"Yeah, but ..."

* * *

"But what? What 's wrong? You should be wanting this as much as I do. Why don't you?" Fareeza crossed her arms over her chest, looking at me with an angry pout. 

"It's all wrong." I turned away from her. No, I couldn't turn away. I turned back to face her. I would handle this like a man.

"Jimmy ... don't you tell me there's someone else." Fareeza's lips tightened.

"No!" I exclaimed too quick;y. "There's no one else. I'd never cheat--"

"I won't apologize for changing and getting new friends and LIVING for once in my life. But I need you to be straight with me." She demanded, taking my hands in hers. "Is it Manny?"

**'You don't love me anymore.'**

"I- I don't know." I sighed. "She's my friend. I'm not supposed to think of her as more than that." I reasoned.

"But you do. I've been replaced." Fareeza stated quietly, looking down and just blinking in silence.

It was like things went in slow motion from then on. I couldn't leave her here sad, but what else could I do? There was nothing else I could do, was there?

* * *

"No one can ever replace you." 

**'You punched me out.'**

"Don't feed my ego Jimmy." I responded sourly. "When'd you stop loving me like you used to?"

"Let's not go into this now. The pain is ... fresh for both of us." He explained.

"How are you hurting? You're causing this? You're not the pathetic one who got told her time's up, again." I jumped in, laying it on thick. If I was going to hurt this much, I would make Jimmy feel at least half of my pain. "Maybe you never loved me, just the idea of us?" I suggested.

"Bull shit Fareeza. You know it. You've helped me grow so much this year... I-I learned how to walk again for you. You were the only one to treat me like a human being and not a fragile child."

"How does Manny make you feel?"

"Don't turn this on her. This is about us." Jimmy began. "You've just changed so much ... and I got left behind. All the things I really love about you, your independence, spunk, individuality, dedication to your morals and your faith ... it's all gone."

"I'm sick of crying over all the bad shit that happens in life. I wanted a new start and when I saw the opening, I took it. If I **_cried_ **about it like some _baby, _I'd never get over it." I offered, weakly.

But it was true. In my twisted little mind, I had erased crying and sadness from my life ... or masked it. It was all the same. I wasn't balled up in some corner, unable and unwilling to live life. I was living it up. Fully.

"We are where we are for a reason. If it didn't happen now, it would've happened eventually Freezie." Jimmy sighed.

"So, that's it? You're just gonna sigh and go run to Manny Santos? I knew you had something with her... I tried to hard--"

"I can't handle this Fareeza. I- I have to leave." Jimmy admitted as I stopped him. We gazed into each other's eyes, his scared and uncertain and mine full of hurt and sadness.

"Just..." My voice trailed off as I tried to steal one last kiss from him. "Change your mind before it's too late."

**'You took me down.'**

"I can't." He pleaded, escaping out the front door.

* * *

**'I trash talk you.'**

"Sean Cameron." Ellie noticed, coming across me in the park. What were the odds that I was in the park in the first place, and secondly, that I would see Ellie Nash?

"Hey." I muttered softly. Here I was being tossed between two girls like a tennis ball moving from side to side. Where would I land? I didn't even know.

I owed them both. Ellie because I knocked her up and hit her … and Emma because she saved my 'going down the wrong path' life.


	57. Scar: Complete

Scar- Complete

(A/N: Okay, I lied. This is one of TWO alternate endings. You can pick which one you prefer. This one is more angsty (by Fefe) and the other more optimistic. BTW, Jimmy's mom died back in Chap. 8- My Immortal. I've been writing this for a while so it's a little hard for even me to keep up … and now it's hard to let go—how could they get rid of JT?? –NL)

She lay there scarred, arms covered in boils where the threatening heat of the murderous flames almost engulfed her. If they had succeeded, she too would have been a distant memory, just like what was once Degrassi High School.

Now everyone just lived in shadow of that world. The end of school year had finally come, and with it, a new beginning all—not just the seniors.

You never really think anything bad can happen to you, can touch you. Even watching Jay die in front of my eyes, as I believed him when he said nothing was wrong, I still couldn't see him dying, but he did.

And now, I couldn't see Sean dying. But, it was inevitable. If he was okay, he would've been out by now. The longer the stay in the hospital, the more grim the situation.

My Sean. My emotional train wreck named Sean had finally crashed, big-time. My initial reaction was to cry about it and keep crying, to prepare myself for the inescapable.

I had already been doing that for a few days now. But looking at how close _I _came to death … I couldn't be that ungrateful anymore. I made it and was here for a reason. There was something on this earth that I was meant to do that … other people weren't.

'**Blooming palm trees.' **

I smiled looking outside my window. It was so beautiful tonight. The force of the wind blew the trees in back of the house back and forth. It wasn't a strong wind, but a gentle, pleasant and almost calming wind.

I had no _real _reason to be sad. I survived, AGAIN. I, Emma Nelson, am a survivor. Unfortunately, I couldn't say that for Sean.

Instantly, I was brought back to reality. I couldn't remember that day. Not in the least. Somehow, in my mind, I had died that day. We all had. That part of our lives was completely over.

Everything in my life was so uncertain. I went from knowing it all to not having a clue—

"Emma." I turned to see Spike standing at the door of my room. "You have a guest." She smiled in an awkwardly good mood,

"Well?" I sighed in anticipation. Ten bucks said it would be Manny. Or Liberty, JT, or Toby. The usuals.

'**Perfect sunsets.' **

"Okay honey. I'll just let your _visitor_ in." Spike continued being really secretive. Mom was definitely zesty today. I shrugged and started rubbing my hands over my once soft skin, wondering if my mind would heal first or my body.

"Obsessing over those scars? They'll heal." A confident voice declared behind me. I turned around as Sean Cameron came face to face with me as I nearly cried in pure, untainted joy.

"I-I thought …" My voice gave out on me as we joined together in a warm hug. "How long have you been out?"

"A day." Sean responded, kissing my forehead, then allowing his hands to run down my hair.

"And you didn't come see me the second you were out?" I nearly yelled. "I was so preparing myself for your burial Sean." I sighed in relief, giving him a swift push. "Jerk."

'**Trick my mind to get my feet wet.' **

"I owe you a 'thank you for saving my life.'" Sean answered giving me an uncertain kiss, leaving me in a huge blush.

"I'm still waiting for that thank you." I answered, crossing my arms with a smile permanently glued to my face.

"I _will_ thank you, but right now … I just want to be with you." He held out his hand as I grasped it eagerly.

"I'm glad you're not hurt." I voiced was my eyes met my scarred arms. I shuddered at the sight of them, all uncovered and out in the open. I may have not lost Sean but … yep … Things were definitely changing.

"Marisa's crying." I noted, sending a hint to Manny who sat stonily staring at nothing. I thought things were going great since our talk, but she'd been so distant.

It hadn't been that long ago since Degrassi burned to the ground, but that was no reason for her to walk around like a zombie.

I was scared for Emma too, but no one had been seriously hurt, which left me clueless as to why Manny didn't seem to want the same things in life that I did anymore.

"Why don't you feed her?" Manny sighed, boredly, checking her phone again.

"What is it with you and that phone? You spend more time _looking _at it than spending time with me and our child." I complained running my hands through my hair.

Stressed couldn't begin to explain how I was feeling. I was beyond it. My meds were all out, money was running low, and I was tired of asking Joey and Caitlin for favors. I owed them at least a kidney, each.

"No I don't." Manny grumbled in response as her phone made a loud beeping sound and she picked it up instantly.

"I'll take care of it." I called behind my shoulder, rushing to Marisa. She looked fine, but she was probably just hungry. It was so hard to tell sometimes, like trial and error.

When I returned, Manny looked happier, or more pleasant I should say.

"Good news?" I asked, needing to hear that someone was happy.

"Actually, sucky news. We have spirit squad rehearsal." Manny sighed. "Damn."

'**I'm tired of lies.' **

"Funny that you've never mentioned it before … didn't you get kicked off of the squad?" I asked, catching her in a lie. Another lie. "If you want to go out, just say so."

"Fine. I want to go out. I'm _going _out." Manny replied, letting her hair down. Moments later, she was applying make-up.

"Where are you going?"

"Out." She answered, with some of that attitude that was starting to get to me.

"Do you have feelings for Jimmy?" I blurted out, even though confrontation was not my strong point. I was usually the one who messed up and had to be given the ultimatum.

'**Pressure rising.' **

"You are so random. What the hell kind of question is that? We're cool. That's it. End of story." Manny responded, conveniently _not _looking at me.

"I remembered when you used to look at me like that. You used to spend time with me, remember that? It wasn't too long ago." I whispered as Manny came face-t-of-face with me.

"If you want me to say it, I won't. We have our problems Craig. That's it. They'll go away." She promised, cupping my hands and giving them a kiss. Now, she resembled the Manny I loved. "I'll be back soon, okay?"

"Wait." I stopped her. I really didn't want Manny to leave. I didn't want to be away from her for a second. Afraid of what might happen, I couldn't let her go.

"Well??"

"No goodbye kiss?" I wondered lamely as Manny gave me a small smile and a very sad kiss. There was no passion in it. Before I could demand more, she was gone.

I shook my head. Even with that lame ass kiss, my body was still trembling from having made contact with hers. I loved her so much that it hurt.

* * *

"My phone had been ringing nonstop today." Ellie yelled, exhausted. I could tell the pregnancy was finally getting to her. That little firecracker was losing her snap, crackle, and pop. Poor thing.

"I'll get it." I offered. It was the least I could do since we'd been out bargain shopping for baby stuff and had just gotten back. Since Sean was still unaware of the situation, I, Marco del Rossi was her surrogate baby's father.

I paused, frozen by the name that popped up. "You sure you want me to answer it?"

"Unless it's mom." Ellie answered back.

"I've got one worse for you." Ellie looked at me, confused, forcing herself onto two very tired feet and wobbling towards me. I wondered if I should've even mentioned it at all. Ellie didn't need anymore stress in her life. "Sean Cameron."

"Sean?" Ellie looked surprisingly happy, then when she noticed that I was looking at her, her expression changed to anger.

"Yeah. Sean." She grumbled, putting the ringer on silent and ignoring the call.

"Now, how did he manage to get your new phone number?"

"During my 'forgiving' stage, I gave it to him. When he came over here that time, we had a semi-normal talk and I told him it was okay."

"He must know about the baby then?" I asked, confused. I thought Ellie was over this. Sean wasn't coming back. That wasn't his style.

"No way. Sean Cameron would run away like a scared baby…"

"Then why talk to him at all when you're just lying? Ellie, you can fool most people but you will get big eventually."

"I don't have any answers to that. I just—" Ellie jumped as her phone started to play the All-American Reject's 'It Ends Tonight.' "My voicemail."

"Els." I pleaded as she picked up the phone so discreetly and secretively to check her message.

"I should check it and at least give him a chance to explain." She reasoned.

"Ellie, don't set yourself up for a--" She was already out of my sight.

* * *

"Marky Mark!" Blu yelled, walking into the house with Spinner tailing behind her, both of them attached by the hand.

"Are you crazy? What if my dad sees you two together?"

"That's just it Marco. He already has." Blu sighed, looking at me sacredly. "I shouldn't have brought Spinner back here again … but you know alcohol and reason don't match."

"That's all you have to say?" I nearly yelled, running my hands through my hair. It was falling apart … everything.

"Maybe I should … wait out there." Spinner interjected, sensing how heavy the drama was getting.

"No. You're with me." She reiterated as I struggled between my anger over my father finding out the truth … which was really hurt and fear and my anger for her being with Spinner … what some people would call 'jealousy.'

I wasn't jealous. I just didn't like sharing the people I cared about with anyone else.

"How can I repair that damage?" I wondered, bringing the focus back to me. "You guys have got to leave before he gets back from work."

"But Marco, I liv--"

"Rachel and … friend. What's going on here?" None other than dad peaked into the doorway, the sound of his thick Italian accent causing me to shudder.

"Nothing, dad. They were just _leaving_." I spoke up, giving Blu a soft push out of the door. I didn't really 'push' her, but I was guiding her in the right direction … for me.

"I think you and 'Blu' have some talking to do." He continued, stepping into the house and closing the door behind him. No way. We were all trapped. "She's with that guy Marco … I walked in on them." Dad got close enough and whispered so that only he and I could hear what was being said.

I sighed. My worst nightmare was now in front of my face. "I'll ask her about it later." I responded, hoping to keep the peace and stall until I could think of something good.

"What makes you think you can use my son?" Dad yelled out unexpectedly, looking at Blu menacingly. "He gives you everything, including a home and you betray him?"

"Mr. del Rossi ... no disrespect meant, but--" Blu attempted a rebuttal.

"You'll be lucky if he takes you back. Tell her Marco." Dad rambled on.

"What dad?" I wondered as Blu gave me a look. I was losing control here.

"Even if you _beg_, he won't." Dad pushed looking at Blu like she was less than human. Sub-human or even lower.

"Good thing I won't be _begging_. Come on Mason. We're outtie." She hooked her hand in Spinner's as I forced myself to look away. This was way ugly.

**'You're all I have.'**

"Dad, please don't--"

"Go on Marco. Handle it like a man." He cut in as Spinner walked off without Blu. "This isn't your first break-up."

"Blu, he's right." I gave in. "How could you let another guy go there?" I allowed myself to believe that my father was justified.

"Marco. Please." Blu sighed, arms folded over her chest. "I think I should leave."

Blu reached towards me, but I pulled away and said, "Don't touch me. You're acting like trash ... guess Sean had good reasons for the way he treated you."

**'And now you're crying oh.'**

"You don't know what you're saying."

"But I do Blu. Why would I want to be with you when you give your 'love' to any guy in front of you? It's pathetic. You're sad. You're--" My words were cut off by a swift force that almost knocked me down. Blu had pushed me.

"Shut up you stupid sissy. Why do you even care who I date? You're still hung up on guys. We've never really been together ... and just because we slept together ONCE, and I did it out of _pity_, doesn't mean anything..." She kept going on and on, but all I could hear was silence and the cold, wet, dripping of tears as they permeated my skin.

**'I hit you way too low.'**

I couldn't look at my dad. I couldn't. I just got back what I dished out times ten.

My father knew I was gay or ... maybe even bi because I was having all these feelings for Blu ... or whatever I was. I was sick of labels.

It didn't matter. To him, I was unnatural, disgusting. Dad _hated _me. In the blink of an eye I was standing outside, with my packed bags beside me. My life was over.

* * *

"I'm so tired of us fighting all the time." I admitted, taking Jimmy's hands in mine. "So, let's not. Instead, let's go do something."

**'Come so far.'**

"You mean you actually have found time for me?" He snapped in response.

"Easy on the mood swings. We're peacefully coexisting, remember?" I wondered, grabbing my purse and preparing for a perfect day, I hoped.

"Always on your terms. Maybe I don't want to do anything today. Did you even stop to ask me how I'm feeling?" Jimmy complained as I turned to face him, perplexed.

"Something's going on? What is it?" I asked genuinely. The only time I could be real was when it was just us and I was starting to become more and more like the persona I had taken on.

"I'm fine." Jimmy sighed. "Stress, I guess with college and everything." I looked at him sadly. Why the "c" word? Why now?

**'I'm just another scar.'**

"No talk about university. Just us. No baggage." I promised staring at him admirably. Jimmy really was so important in my life. "I love you." I whispered, kissing Jimmy softly.

"Yeah?" He muttered, pausing to stare into my eyes before returning the gift.

"I've been thinking," I said softly in between kisses. "There's something I want to do with you ... before you leave."

"Which is?"

"Something I should have done a long time ago." I whispered giving him a look that said it all. I didn't want to regret not giving Jimmy my all. In a way, it would be like marking my territory ... telling everyone else to back away because he belonged to me.

"Fareeza ... we can't." Jimmy broke our embrace.

"Why not?"

"You can't take it back and it's apart of who you are, for one." Jimmy argued.

"I won't be a virgin forever." I stated, secretly hoping that would turn out to be true.

"But you only get one chance to decide when that is. Don't waste it." He replied.

**'And when you told me you don't love me anymore.'**

"Waste it? What are you talking about? I love you. You love me." I waited. "It's what people _do. _You're acting like it's the plague. It's how you and me got into this world."

"Yeah, but ..."

"But what? What's wrong? You should be wanting this as much as I do. Why don't you?" Fareeza crossed her arms over her chest, looking at me with an angry pout.

"It's all wrong." I turned away from her. No, I couldn't turn away. I turned back to face her. I would handle this like a man.

"Jimmy ... don't you tell me there's someone else." Fareeza's lips tightened.

"No!" I exclaimed too quickly. "There's no one else. I'd never cheat--"

"I won't apologize for changing and getting new friends and LIVING for once in my life. But I need you to be straight with me." She demanded, taking my hands in hers. "Is it Manny?"

**'You don't love me anymore.'**

"I- I don't know." I sighed. "She's my friend. I'm not supposed to think of her as more than that." I reasoned.

"But you do. I've been replaced." Fareeza stated quietly, looking down and just blinking in silence.

It was like things went in slow motion from then on. I couldn't leave her here sad, but what else could I do? There was nothing else I could do, was there?

"No one can ever replace you."

**'You punched me out.'**

"Don't feed my ego Jimmy." I responded sourly. "When'd you stop loving me like you used to?"

"Let's not go into this now. The pain is ... fresh for both of us." He explained.

"How are you hurting? You're causing this. You're not the pathetic one who got told her time's up, again." I jumped in, laying it on thick. If I was going to hurt this much, I would make Jimmy feel at least half of my pain. "Maybe you never loved me, just the idea of us?" I suggested.

"Bull shit Fareeza. You know it. You've helped me grow so much this year... I-I learned how to walk again for you. You were the only one to treat me like a human being and not a fragile child."

"How does Manny make you feel?"

"Don't turn this on her. This is about us." Jimmy began. "You've just changed so much ... and I got left behind. All the things I really love about you, your independence, spunk, individuality, dedication to your morals and your faith ... it's all gone."

"I'm sick of crying over all the bad shit that happens in life. I wanted a new start and when I saw the opening, I took it. If I _**cried **_about it like some _baby, _I'd never get over it." I offered, weakly.

But it was true. In my twisted little mind, I had erased crying and sadness from my life ... or masked it. It was all the same. I wasn't balled up in some corner, unable and unwilling to live life. I was living it up. Fully.

"We are where we are for a reason. If it didn't happen now, it would've happened eventually Freezie." Jimmy sighed.

"So, that's it? You're just gonna sigh and go run to Manny Santos? I knew you had something with her... I tried to hard--"

"I can't handle this Fareeza. I- I have to leave." Jimmy admitted as I stopped him. We gazed into each other's eyes, his scared and uncertain and mine full of hurt and sadness.

"Just..." My voice trailed off as I tried to steal one last kiss from him. "Change your mind before it's too late."

**'You took me down.'**

"I can't." He pleaded, escaping out the front door.

* * *

"Sean Cameron." Ellie noticed, coming across me in the park. What were the odds that I was in the park in the first place, and secondly, that I would see Ellie Nash?

"Hey." I muttered softly. Here I was being tossed between two girls like a tennis ball moving from side to side. Where would I land? I didn't even know.

I owed them both. Ellie because I knocked her up and hit her … and Emma because she saved my 'going down the wrong path' life.

**'I trash talk you.'**

"I thought you'd chuck this number the second I gave it to you." She began with a smile. So, she got the call … and the message which was just me doing some heavy breathing and major stuttering.

"I probably should have but…"

"What do you want Sean? Huh?" She asked, ignoring the stares we both were getting.

Maybe because people were expecting me to be dead, or they thought we were back together and I was hitting her again ... forget them. They were all too judgmental anyway.

"That's too heavy to talk about."

"Start by telling me why you called." She answered, raising her eyebrows.

"To check on you. I've been hearing some things about you--"

"About _me_?"

"Are they true?" I wondered.

"Why don't you just come out and say it?" Ellie pressed, not making this any easier for me.

"Pregnant … are you…"

'**You trash talk me.'**

"You don't have that right, to ask me I mean. You're like a stranger to me Sean."

"If you are, at least give me the chance--" I nearly begged. I had wronged Ellie enough in the past.

"The chance to screw it up again? Beat me and the child? Well, you can relax Sean. Take a deep breath. It's all bull."

"Oh." I replied softly. Should I believe her or not? She had every reason to lie.

"Is that the only reason you called?"

No … wh … I have something to say to you."

"And that is?" Ellie asked, growing tired of our conversation.

"It's something I need to say to you in private, where no one else will be around to overhear or interrupt."

* * *

"Hey Alex." Marco breezed past me. Poor thing was trying so hard to … make friends with me, deny the Blu issue, which went public today. But at least he tried, unlike me.

I gave up so long ago. It was natural to be this way now. I couldn't imagine any other way to be.

I knew that if people that I wasn't "okay" they'd be all in my face, sending me to Ms. Suave and everything. So, I faked. I fake smiled just enough to make people think I was recovering.

One sniff and I'd be sent to Suave. Ha. Not enough credentials in the world could qualify someone to cure me. I ailed deep within to a hidden place that no one could enter, but me and Jay.

Since I was the only one left out of the pair, it was now just me. Me against the world, just like Tupac.

'**Orchid flowers I fake I'm happy.'**

"So … Alex, we need your advice. Red or blue?" Manny Santos came up to me suddenly. Like Marco, she too was always in my face about Student Government stuff.

"What's this for?" I held back my agitated tone.

"Graduation dance. We're doing a theme this year … just give me your first instant."

"B—Red." I quickly recovered. "Stands out more." Close call. I almost saw a look of concern coming from Manny after I started to say blue. I just saved myself from counseling.

"Good choice. My thoughts exactly."

* * *

"Mason, I'm glad you didn't do it." Blu told me as we left the party atmosphere and went towards some fresh air.

"You have a way of ruining perfectly good parties. You do know that don't you?" I asked, as she took her hand in mine.

"I know that it's hard for you to trust people and that you think you're worthless, but you're not." Blu answered.

"Especially with Marco doing what he did to me, I finally know who I can count on in my life."

"I just don't see what you see. I don't think I'll ever be able to. That woman … what I did to her, I deserve to go to hell for it." I whispered quietly.

"Looks like we'll be going together." Blu looked at me mischieviously. "If the cops don't get me first."

"What do you mean? What did you do?" I wondered, dropping her hand and waiting for the ball to drop.

"I killed my father." Blu exclaimed emotionalessly. "I finally got him back for all the years that he lied to me, raped me, destroyed me. He _made _me this way." She glanced up at me, her rage-filled, hurt face changing into a kind one. "So, now the question is, do you still want to be with me?"

"You're not kidding are you?" I asked as she shook her head firmly. When she first told me that … when I was moments away from ending my life for good, I only half believed it.

I knew that Blu wanted to do it and she wanted her own form of justice, but I never thought that I'd be here with the only person on my side being a murderer.

"What happens when the cops come?"

"Let them come!" She yelled, raising her arms up. "I don't care anymore." She sighed. "Let's just go and find somewhere to be alone alone." Her eyebrows moved upwards seductively.

'**Empty bedroom.'**

"I'm not in the mood."

"What?"

"This is some heavy shit Blu."

'**Chest is burning.' **

"I know that Mason. I'm willing to forgive you, as a rapist. Why can't you accept that I achieved my own justice--"

"At the hand of a weapon. You only killed a man." I whispered, keeping my voice low so that no one would know what we were saying. Not like they would notice, care, or remember. Everyone at this party was either severely drunk or high by now.

"Fine. I'll just go back to my house—wait that doesn't exist. I obviously can't go to your house. Maybe I'll go to my best buddy Marco. Oops, he thinks I'm a stupid slut. See you around _Spinner_. And next time, pretend like you don't know me."

'**I've messed up and now I'm paying oh.'**

Blu brushed past me, going back to the party … to get trashed no doubt. I was tempted to go find a joint myself and smoke it, but then I'd be no better that she.

* * *

'**I hit you way too low.'**

"Jimmy Brooks is a coward. A loser." Fareeza practically yelled out as I walked past her. So, she had the right to be pissed, but this was taking it too far. Degrassi kids were quick to take sides and the last thing we needed was another repeat of the Rick Fest.

"You're taking a beat-down today." Manny walked into step with me as I started to feel everyone's eyes piercing towards our direction.

"Quick. We've got an audience." I started to run.

"So?" Manny yelled, chasing after me. "This is silly." She finished after we found a nearly-clear hallway.

"I know, but I needed something to release the tension. If looks could kill Fareeza, I would've been working on my 1,000th life."

'**Come so far.'**

"Yeah, try being engaged to someone who's uber jealous." We both smiled.

"And he has no reason to be."

"Of course not." Manny shrugged it off. "So, we're going to that Spring Preview Movie?"

"Most def. Thanks for getting me on the list."

"No problem. Being in student government has its perks." Manny smiled, walking so closely to me that we could be holding hands. Our hands were actually _touching_, but just barely. I could feel the stares as we walked down the hallway.

'**I'm just another scar.'**

* * *

"You and Amy have been getting really close lately." I noted as Christian sighed.

"Diane, how many times do I have to tell you that nothing is going on with me and your daughter? She's in high school for Pete's sake. It's illegal." Christian answered reassuringly. He was always a smooth talker.

"Then why are you spending so much time together? And the condoms? We haven't touched each other since I found out I was pregnant." I shot back.

"They were old wrappers. Why don't you believe me?" He asked, taking my hands in his.

"Don't play me for a fool. Just back down and admit it." I shook my head. "Better yet … I'm going to have to send her away for good. She's ruining our family and will probably corrupt the baby as well." Christian dropped my hands.

"Why can't you just keep your hands away from her?"

'**And when you told me you don't love me anymore.'**

"Jealousy is just a way we reveal our insecurities. You're not threatened by your daughter, are you?"

"That pipsqueak? Yeah right." I tried to mask my real hatred for my 'daughter.' "I want the perfect family, picket pence and all … everything white. This one'll come right after she's done with this last year. We're lucky to be rid of

Amy." I rubbed my stomach contently. Erase past mistakes and replace them with a brighter future.

"Have you ever tried _including _Amy in the family?"

"She has a potty mouth, slutty instincts, and no I.Q. That would just corrupt my child." Every mention of Amy was an insult to our marriage. He was so insistent that Amy be apart of the family … I could tell her still wanted her.

'**You don't love me anymore.'**

"_Our _child." Christian corrected me. "But if you don't include Amy … it might just be your child."

"Who do you think you are? I own everything. You offer me nothing." I shot back defensively.

"Nothing?"

"I didn't mean that … just stop by the bank and take care of this deposit, okay sweetie? And be quick about it Christian."

"Of course." He answered like he always did, taking my commands like a man. At least he knew who ran this household.

* * *

"Got your wish but just probably now where you were expecting it." Ellie responded with laughter in her voice.

"I plan on making this as quick and painless as possible." I began, not knowing what to say. It would be a lie to say that in that exact moment I felt nothing.

Seeing Ellie and not having this huge conflict, was more than just a random re-hashed feeling. It was nostalgic to be with her, just like this, just talking.

'**You punched me out.'**

"A quick and dirty—just your style." Ellie was filled with so much hurt, trying to mask it behind a persistent truth that kept messing with my head. In my neglectful, uncontrollable chaos, I had really destroyed her.

"No … I want to … ask for your forgiveness."

"What?" That was the last thing Ellie was expecting.

"I deserve the right to be a decent father."

"There's no baby Sean."

'**You took me down.' **

"No one should be denied a real family." I continued.

"Do you believe every stupid little rumor that you hear on the gossip mill?"

'**And when you told me you don't want to see me again'**

"I want to be there when you give birth and hold our baby in your arms." I expressed sincerely.

"Enough!"

"Why?"

"Who told you?" Ellie asked, admitting a truth that I had been digging to find.

"What?"

"Who told you the truth Sean?"

"I …." Speechless, I stood a little too still. Ellie knew that I had just been testing and fishing for the truth. Well, I got it in a harsher reality than I thought. "E-Ellie."

"Just … leave…."

**You don't want to never ever see me again'**

"I'm leaving Emma!" I blurted without thinking about what that really meant.

"So?"

"So, right after graduation day, I want you to meet me."

"How can I trust you Sean? What if you change your mind?"

"Life's about making mistakes and _growing _from them. No one's meant to be perfect and perfect is boring."

'**Oh I scream and shout.' **

"Nice quote." Ellie sighed in deep contemplation. "Okay … I'll meet you."

* * *

"Is it wrong to lie?" Manny wrapped her arm around my arm.

"No, but seriously. why are you getting all philosophical with me in the middle of the movie? During Encino Man nonetheless." I asked back.

I loved going to this Spring Fling Movie. They were opening it up to more people to help the morale. But the reality was that the Degrassi Community School was gone forever.

"Fine, I'll shut up." Manny sighed, facing back toward the screen, instantly attacking the free popcorn the school provided.

"You win." I sighed, feeling guilty. "Do you need to talk."

"Yeah." She whispered as I followed her out of the auditorium. I could feel the stares.

"So … what is it?" I blured out, anxious to get a good laugh out of the rest of the movie to escape reality.

"I lied to Craig,"

"People lie." I shrugged. "Now that that's settled, let's get back to the movie." I suggested, I knew where this was going and there was no green grass over on that side.

"Jimmy, truthfully. Don't you ever feel bad about lying to Fareeza?"

"It's not lying if she's not around to ask the questions … and if she's too self-absorbed to care."

"Craig has this sick idea that I want to 'quit' our family because sometimes, I'd rather hang out with you. It's just not fun with him anymore … and you're not supposed to feel like this until _after _the wedding." Manny joked.

"You're still going to do it?"

"What does still mean? That was the plan and will always be. I got my high school sweetheart." She answered bored.

"That's why we just need to go back to the movie to forget out lying, deceitful ways in life." I offered once again.

"You're right." Manny smiled, attaching herself to me again.

I breathed a sigh of relief. No Fareeza talk or Craig or future. Or even more frightening … 'us.'

There was an undeniable something extra in our relationship but the best way to make it go away was to deny, deny, deny … not throw Manny by the wayside, like I Fareeza was begging me to do, but I would never vocalize it. I would enjoy these last few days with her and forget about it forever.

* * *

"Mom, if you and Javier don't just realize that you're in love with each other." I pressed. "I mean … you and _dad _belong together."

"The papers are already signed Alex." Mom answered shortly.

"They've been sitting on that table for weeks now. If you wanted it--"

"Get that childhood fantasy out of your head. It's not gonna happen. Happy endings are stories that haven't finished yet. You know that better than me Alex!" She yelled angrily. I could tell that this was killing her.  
I didn't dare say anything about me catching them kissing last night nor did I say anything about the fact that Javier was STILL HERE.

"Fine, but don't expect me to be like you." I muttered, packing my thinks. I was going to call Michael. No, I was going to find him first and blow this whole Degrassi thing off.  
All that was left was graduation and with a burned-downed school, that wasn't even worth it.

'**Turn me around.' **

"Ah-hu … why?" I head screams as I walked into Diane's house. I nearly shrugged, but I felt so much indifference inside of me that I didn't move.

Why even bother? Diane was dramatic, overly-emotional, controlling, and pathetic to say the least. Last time I walked in with her bawling, it was because the wrong centerpieces, for her most-coveted and anticipated wedding. were ordered.

Imagine if she had a real hardship—if someone took away her lypo or Botox. What a pity. She couldn't endure one day of being me.

She was bawling over material things while people were being hunted down and killed in a genocide.

Darfur, Sudan. It made me feel lucky to have Diane as my only random adversary. Even the ones I'd created, like Alex, couldn't compare—'Stop it.' There was no use crying over this.

I would just sneak out Diane's credit car and send a few thousand to Amnesty International or some human rights group. 'Wait a second.' I thought as I neared Diane's purse.

Since when did I start caring about other people in some faraway land? I guess secluded from my old life gave me some perspective—that and Kwan's daily, preaching on the subject. She wasn't even the sociology teacher.

"Ha." I said to myself.

"Christian, is that you?"

I stopped, frozen. Maybe she'd turn the other way. When Diane came face to face with me, I was terrified. She looked like she had a rumbled with death, and lost.

"Amy." She whispered. "He left us."

'**Now I feel the way you do.'**

"What?"

"Took off."

'**I'm just like you.' **

"Christian?"

"That left us penniless." I dropped to my knees, the glass of grape justice I forgot that I had been holding, crumbling to the floor as well.

'**I'm just like you.'**

Diane scooped me with a force so strong that I thought she was trying to kill me. After a few seconds of life passed, I opened my eyes to see otherwise.

**'I will never be the same.' **

It was a hug.

* * *

"This is going to be the happiest day of my life." I expressed happily. I was really counting on Sean more than ever before.

"I'm offended," Marco answered, making a face. I thought that happened the day you met me."

I smiled. I was going to miss him. We'd been best friends for the last four years of my life and what was life without Marco?

"You're giving me that look. Stop, I'm blushing." Marco joked.

"I love you so much Marco." I whispered, giving him a friendly hug.

"And I you, so … what's with the Doomsday attitude?" We'll see each other again, especially tonight with all the graduation parties."

"That's just it. This ceremony—afterwards, I leave." I admitted.

"What? You're going to pre-college with your bun in the oven?"

"I honestly don't know where, but I'm really excited about it. It's an adv--"

"You called Cameron back, didn't you?"

"Marco, he's going to do right by me. And before you ask about Emma, he's dumping her."

"I don't agree with this."

"Tell me Marco. Why is it okay for you to date people like Blu, who is in fact a woman … that's what most people say anyway … but I can't rekindle the flame with Sean?"

"This isn't about Blu."

"It is. The way you feel about her is how I feel about Sean. I just can't believe that out of all the girls to date … you'd choose her over me." I sighed., giving him the guilt trip.

"You're not serious, are you?"

"No. I'm just giving you a hard time." I smiled. "And even though I hate her … I think you have some things to say to her before graduation."

* * *

"Blu, I'm sorry."

"Too bad for you that those words have lost their meaning to me." She shrugged while putting on her cap and gown.

"Coming here was a bad idea."

"Where's Spinner?"

"Where's Dylan?" Blu fired back.

"I haven't talked to Dylan … I never should've talked to you like that in front of my dad."

"And…."

"The reason why I did, besides me being selfish and trying to hide the fact that I'm gay from my father is because …"

"Better make it quick. We line up in two minutes."

"It's because … I was jealous."

"Bad excuse. I'm getting bored del Rossi." Blu sighed.

"Don't you get what I'm trying to say … I think I might … maybe be … I love you."

"You've said that to me before Marco and I know in your sick little head, you think it's love when it's not." She sighed.

"Not that kind of love. I mean, I really honestly think I'm _in _love with you. That's why I acted the way I did with Spinner. I was so pissed because … it wasn't me."

"Time to line up future graduates!" Ms. Kwan interrupted happily. Blu backed away from me without me catching her expression or reaction.

**'I will never be the same.' **

Sean was just running a little late, I convinced myself as I waited. Thos was actually a great view of people taking graduation pictures, celebrating, Marco chasing after Blu … I sighed.

One hour, passed. Then two and three. I didn't see Emma at the ceremony, I didn't expect that I would. By midnight, I'd given up hope. Four hours waiting for a guy who only knew how to disappoint.

As I dialed Marco's number, I tried to think of a good lie. I could always say that I was out partying, but it would be written on my face.

'**I will never be the same.' **

I just waited for Marco to come comfort me as I rubbed my belly. I guess it was just me and this little guy poking around in my stomach.

(A/N: I told you there would be no happy endings. –NL)


	58. Scar: Where Are They Now?

Where Are They Now?

**Alex**: went to find Michael. They had a relationship for a while, but after a year and a half, she decided that she was tired of his ballroom dance career, all the traveling, and following him around. Instead, she returned to Canada, but found there was nothing there for her. Alex tried living on her own, but after living on the streets again, for a little more than a year, and turning to prostitution, she reconsidered her options. Then, she went back to live with her mother, who had found another boyfriend. After he tried to rape Alex, she decided that she had had enough. Alex is now living with her father, Javier, who has encouraged her to register for her first college course and to pursue her own ballroom dance career.

**Manny**: tried to make herself believe that she and Craig belonged together and they kept their engagement going on for nine more months, just long enough for her to have twins. A few months later, she visited Jimmy at his dream school, New York University, and realized that she didn't want to settle down. Although they aren't officially together, Jimmy and Manny are still really good friends. Manny's relationship with her mother has never recovered, since her mom blames Manny for the death of her husband. Manny is currently a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader. She has no regrets about her life choices.

**Sean:** went back to Wasaga Beach after it was discovered that his mom had breast cancer. He never made it to graduation and although he attempt to contact Ellie everyday, he has not spoken to her for the past two and a half years. Sean is currently single and struggling to find what he wants in life. He still has one more year of high school to complete.

**Hazel**: is still feeling guilty from her unwanted abortion. She is now junior at George Washington University in Washington, D.C. and pursuing a career in Literature. She hopes one day to write about her experiences and start her own magazine company. She and Jimmy have reconciled and visit each other on occasion. Hazel is planning to study abroad in Buenos Aires, Argentina. During her time there, she will attend her father's wedding to his new fiancé.

**Ellie**: gave birth to her first child, Jocelyn who is currently celebrating her second birthday. She has not spoken to Sean since he stood her up at graduation and hasn't spoken to Marco in six months since she discovered that Blu and Marco have reestablished contact. She is currently working as a bartender and freelance journalist and editor, while trying to balance single parent life, work, and being a part time college student. Ellie is receiving a lot of help from her mother who has given up the bottle for good. Recently, she, Ashley, and Craig have reestablished their friendship.

**Amy:** is trying to track down Christian and get the money back that he stole from her mother. She and Diane have bonded together and have less of a dysfunctional relationship although they bicker on a daily basis. Amy is helping her mom raise her new baby sister, Audrey, while resuming her career as an exotic dancer. Soon, she is planning to move to L.A. to become an actress. Amy has recently sent in an audition tape into MTV's "The Real World."

**Jimmy**: has never been happier in his life. He continues to struggle with his mom's death, but with the help of a good friend—Manny, is managing better. He thinks he is in love with her, but too afraid to act on it and say anything. He is attending New York University as an Art and Chemistry pre-med major. He is a recent convert to Islam.

**Paige**: went to her dream school, Banting, but after two years of college she decided that she didn't want to pursue a career in business. Now, she has taken a year off from school to go backpacking through Europe and find out what she really wants in life. She is still in love with Matt.

**Fareeza**; has worked with Ameri-corps and spends the majority of her time volunteering and speaking out against inequality. She is employed by the Center for Equal Rights in the United States and resides in New Jersey. Fareeza will start college in the fall with hopes of joining the Peace Corps and becoming an Ambassador one day. Her college major is Anthropology. She has given up her quest to be the 'All-American girl' and has turned in her blonde hair and blue eyes for a more natural look.

**Spinner**: turned Blu into the police for the murder of her father. Since then, he has had a marijuana relapse and is living the life of a typical party college student. After a year of college, Spinner was put on Academic Probation. He is a business major and has applied to a University in Japan. Spinner is currently in a relationship with Kendra's biological sister, Nanako and is putting his bad relationships with Blu and Darcy behind him. If accepted to the University, he plans to live with Nanako and Kendra.

**Terri**: is the newest winner of the international television hit 'Survivor.' She is seeking therapy from her past abusive relationships and is seeing her therapist. Since wrapping the show, her modeling career has taken off. She is now twenty pounds lighter and hopes to one day be considered as a model for a high fashion show.

**Liberty: **and JT planned for their second child together, but once again they were denied the opportunity to become teenage parents. Liberty's eating disorder (anorexia) worsened thus affecting her childbirth. The baby was stillborn and since, Doctors have told Liberty that she has lost the ability to have children. Although distraught with her situation, Liberty still managed to find her own apartment where she lived during her senior year of high school. Liberty's father won his political campaign and is in his second year. He claims to have no daughter. Liberty still keeps in contact with her younger brother Danny and made it through her first semester of college, at Harvard. Her anorexia and quest for perfection have worsened, but she is determined to win this battle.

**Marco: **has stopped using so many labels for himself and is no longer seeking acceptance from his father, who disowned him. He refused to contribute to Marco's college tuition, which is fine because Marco was offered a full ride to Cornell University. He would have taken it, but decided to pursue a more challenging endeavor, winning Blu's heart. Instead, he attends a well-known university in Toronto Canada, which he also received a full ride for. He is studying criminal justice.

**Emma: **graduated as number 5 in her high school class. She tried to forget about Sean, but couldn't, so she went to Wasaga to find some real answers. To her surprise, what she found was a person she didn't love anymore. Although she understood what he was going through, with the cancer and everything, Emma decided to move on. Snake had a cancer relapse, putting Emma's college dreams on hold especially with baby number two on the way.

**Blu: **was put on trial for the murder of her father, which she admitted to. However, due to the circumstances of the situation, she never received prison time. She since has burned all memories and ties she has had to Spinner. Blu is currently pursing a modeling career as she struggles as a waitress to help Matt make ends meet. Since graduating from Degrassi, she has forgiven Marco who she talks to everyday and visits whenever she can. She still doesn't know if she can ever trust him again.

**JT: **is pursuing a culinary career and is attending a technical college. He still enjoys working with children, but doesn't have the time, or heart, to deal with it. He has a new 'get rich' plan, which involves him and Liberty pooling their money and brains together to start their own business venture. He has been engaged to Liberty van Zant since they graduated from Degrassi and she asked for his hand in marriage.

**Ashley: **is a Mass Communications major. She loves London and can't wait to go on tour with Craig. Although she will be traveling with Craig this upcoming summer, she is unsure about whether or not she wants to pursue a music career. Since their reconciliation, Ashley and Craig have made it official. Ashley Kerwin is now Ashley Manning.

**Craig**: is crushed that Manny doesn't want to have a family. He spent the last two years of his life trying to be a good father to Marisa and the newly born Carlos and Mariela, but when he realized that he couldn't do it, he relinquished custody to Joey and Caitlin. He still visits them as much as possible and promises that one day he will be the father to them that he's always wanted. Now, he's finally pursuing his music career with no one and nothing left to stop him. He is currently trying to convince Ellie to join him and Ashley on tour.


	59. Ending Two

Alternate Ending: Preview

(A.N: I've sat on this alternate ending so long, but I said I would do it, and I actually will. By the way, I had this idea way before the Degrassi movie, so here's a "sneak peak". Tell me what you think and what you want to see happen. --NL)

Takes place after "Jumper" when Spinner wants to end it all. This time, the Degrassi seniors have graduated and they decide to make one last good memory together. Ellie must deal with her pregnancy and decide what to do, while Jimmy and Manny become closer than ever.

Fareeza is Blu's newest prodigy, even dressing like her as Marco tries to pretend like nothing ever happened between him and her. (Take a bow). Spinner tags along for the ride, trying to stay off the drugs, Blu must deal with the fact that she ultimately killed her father, Hazel finds closure, the Sean-Ellie-Emma thing is finally resolved as everyone realizes that nothing will ever be the same again...

* * *

"Good. Then road trip. Me and you."

"That sounds like trouble." I answered lifting one eyebrow. Deep down I liked the idea of the two of us together, but that would be a subtle symbol to the end of our other relationships, or at least the end of our streak of _not _acting on what everyone was already predicting. "Trouble..." I repeated shaking my head and smirking.

"For me, not you." Manny replied. "But, I meant to say, you, me, ... Fareeza, Hazel, Paige, Marco, Blu ... you know the whole crew. It might be fun."

* * *

"Do I have to touch it? Blu, this is gross. I swear you're like a dude sometimes."

"If you do this thing with me I'll help you either get Jimmy back or get over him fast. It'll be fun. Party century. No parents." Blu smiled as I searched her face for some hidden cry for help. Her enthusiasm was screaming 'I'm running from something,' but I didn't know enough yet.

I shrugged, giving in. Deep down the thought of Jimmy and Manny going across the country, and the US, alone really irritated me. I had to go and see him. I had to find some answers ... and see if he was really more into Manny than me.

* * *

I could just imagine it now. Me and Blu tangled in between each other's limbs. The heavy breathing, the sweat, the sweet uncertain pauses which only made the moment last longer. I knew that she knew that I was thinking about this and I hated it.

But every time I looked at her, it was all I saw. So far, nothing had been going on with her and Spinner which brought me relief tenfold. That didn't make the situation any less weird, but there was so much mystery ahead, like some really bad Latino Soap Opera. Either that or Passions with the mermaids and witches.

I shuddered at the thought of having to watch those shows. Blu loved them. She was this gorgeous brown, Asian-looking girl with no clue, no understanding of the Spanish language yet she sat back and watched so intently as if missing a milisecond would destroy the entire experience for her.

* * *

"Yes. It's a children's store." She smiled. "What size? We have 3 months all the way up to 4T."

"Four T?" I rubbed my temple. God, I wasn't prepared for this. I was just going to get some freaking clothes and already I had no idea what the hell she was talking about. "Umm ... it's not born yet."

"Oh. You need newborn then. When's the baby due? We have a sale on 3,6, and 9 months."

"Due?" I racked my brain for an answer ...

"Emma, what are you doing here?"

* * *

"I don't care Amy. Do you realize what you called me? A spic. That's a racist comment. And you said it in such this malicious way... I honestly thought you were a tad better than that, but you're finally getting what you deserve." I spewed, letting out all of this anger and frustration I held inside. Why now? Why? Now?

* * *

I've got a long way to go for this one!! --NL


	60. Wasted, Part One

**Wasted**

**Part One**

**(A/N: Alternate Ending:** Takes places after **"Jumper."** This means that Sean is with Emma, Jimmy and Fareeza are having problems since he's spending more time with Manny. Ellie is pregnant but Sean doesn't know it. Blu and Marco are unresolved and Spinner didn't kill himself**).**

* * *

**'Don't waste it.' **

"I feel guilty about being here. Should I feel guilty?" Manny asked me as she took a bite of her pizza and smiled.

"What did I say? Best pizza in town, right?" I wondered as she nodded.

"The most awesomest." After finishing off the slice, she was back to remorse-mode. "Jimmy, I feel really guilty."

"Because you lied?"

"No. Well, maybe a little, but I'll do anything to get away from it. The situation. It's driving me nuts. I'm too young to be tied down!" She exclaimed as I shook my head.

"Tell that to your future husband." I offered as she just sighed.

"Let's just forget about that for a second. About Craig, about Fareeza and anyone in between. I'm really gonna miss you." She admitted, hugging me tightly. "I feel like I lost so much time with you by not getting to know you until the last half of this year." Manny finished.

"It's not time for goodbyes yet. Stop anticipating bad things that won't ever happen."

"Are you implying that you're not going anywhere, Mr. Senior?" Manny smiled again as I followed her lead. Her happiness was so infectious.

"No. I'm not saying that but … we do have today."

"And?"

"There's something you want me to know, right? I can tell."

"Yeah, well what I have to say might just get me in trouble." Manny shrugged, blowing it off. If she didn't have anything to say to me, I wasn't going to push it, but an urge inside of me was just bursting to tell her something. Something big.

**'It's only here for today.' **

"I won't push you to say anything, but graduation is in two days. After that, I'm going to pre-college. I might not see you again." I expressed as Manny's smile dimmed a little. "Just being real ... the rest of this month is it. After May--"

"Are you planning on spending it with someone else?" Manny wondered, cocking her head to the side and playing with her hair like a little girl.

"Umm ... I haven't really thought--" I sighed.

"Good. Then road trip. Me and you."

"That sounds like trouble." I answered lifting one eyebrow. Deep down I liked the idea of the two of us together, but that would be a subtle symbol to the end of our other relationships, or at least the end of our streak of _not _acting on our deepest desires for each other. "Trouble..." I repeated shaking my head and smirking.

"For me, not you." Manny replied. "But, I meant to say, you, me, ... Fareeza, Hazel, Paige, Marco, Blu ... you know the whole crew. It might be fun."

* * *

"Sean?" Ellie began nervously. She was moving and twisting violently and began screaming.

"Ellie. Els!" I came running into the room that had once been Blu's territory. "Wake up."

"I have something ..." She continued as I struggled to get her awake.

"Ellie!" I yelled directly into her ear. The next step would be water.

"God Marco. You scared me." She yelled back grumpily. "I was having a good dream."

"You screaming and twisting about Sean is _good? _What's really going on in that mind of yours?" I asked taking on my normal role of being the "good listener." I couldn't help it. Dealing with Ellie's issues sure beat mine.

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Do you still have feelings for him?"

"Do you still wish Dylan was in your life?" Ellie asked back. "I'm fine. I don't need Dr. Marco's services. Not today."

"Funny because school starts in a half hour." I answered with a shrug.

"And you're just _now _waking me up?? Marco, sleepovers are supposed to be fun, not get you in trouble for missing class. One more tardy and It's an absence. I already have three and Kwan won't hesitate to take it out on me."

"Have you forgotten already Ellie?" I smiled. "You're such a creature of habit."

"What?" She rushed to the bathroom, brushing her teeth. I paused and watched for a little while. This was entertaining.

"We finished our last day already. All we have left is one graduation practice." I chuckled.

"You loser!" Ellie screamed playfully, spitting out the rest of her toothpaste and hitting me with a pillow.

"You do _not _want to do that."

"Oh yeah?" She repeated the action.

"Ellie Nash. You're going down!" I yelled as the pilow fight commenced.

* * *

I woke up from my nap smiling. I half-remembered last night and this morning with Christian, but it seemed so much like a dream. "Hmmm." I moaned with her eyes closed trying to force the sleepiness to stay with me.

"You look happy. Wake up sweetie." Christian whispered sweetly as I found myself face to face with him. Even early in the morning, or afternoon (whichever it was), he seemed to look so perfect. I had never seen green eyes look so beautiful before. "I get the silent treatment?"

"No." I muttered sitting up and letting my reddish-brown tresses fall over my shoulders. "I just wanted to make sure that it's real." Christian leaned in for a kiss, but I turned away abruptly. "Nap breath." I whispered, reaching into my suitcase and pulling out the robe I used to use after I went onstage and did my exotic dancing act. I popped in a stick of gum shortly after.

"Having bad memories?"

"No. Good ones of me making more money a year than you do." I sighed. "I'm going to take a dip in the pool."

I walked into the bathroom, immediately picking up a suitcase. As I moved the brush back and forth between my knotted hair, I observed my reflection.

I studied it hard, trying to see what Christian saw in me and what any guy had seen in me before that. It was hard to tell. I wasn't exceptionally pretty. I had these thick awkward lips and big boobs, which guys loved, but besides that there was nothing else to love.

"Knock knock." Christian called at the door as I came back to reality and pulled on a bath suit one of the girls had loaned me. I never gave it back because I liked it too much. It fit in all the right places.

"Come in." I sighed trying to pretend like I didn't care about his presence so much, but Christian drove me wild. Everything inside me seemed to accelerate and all I wanted was his undivided attention and devotion.

"What are you up to?"

"I'm going for a dip remember?" I licked my lips and shrugged, rushing to the pool quickly before I did anything I would wish I hadn't. Christian had a way of making me do a lot of those things.

I let the cold water wash over my body and shivered at first, but then as my body got used to it, it seemed a lot cooler. I needed to .. relax.

"Are you trying to ditch me?" Christian asked, interrupting my Zen moment.

"Could you be any more obvious?" I wondered as he smiled seductively, removing his shirt. "What if I don't want to do that? What if I say last night won't ever happen again?"

Christian slid into the pool beside me.

"I'd ask if you'd be willing to bet your life on it." He whispered in my ear, his lips lightly brushing the side of my neck. "You belong to me and you know it."

"Is that why you told on me? Were you jealous?" I smiled, sensing that I did have a little power over him after all. "You didn't want other people seeing me, my _body_?"

"You're better than that."

"Anyone can be bought Christian. I see Diane doing it to you all the time." I moved towards him, removing more of his wet clothes. "You see, you're just like me aren't you?" I stared him down.

"Don't look at me like that." Christian broke our ocular embrace, kissing me instead. "There's only one thing I can give you and you know what it is?"

"Then get out. Go play daddy daycare." I sighed. "What a shame..." I bit my lip suggestively, untying my top and letting everything fall out.

"Now you know I can't let you do that ... alone." Christian followed me as I tried to hide my smile. The lukewarm water rushed and flowed over us both as we moved around, over, and under the water, but I barely noticed. I was too consumed by the feeling of us as one.

"I love you." I whispered not caring about the consequences. I was addicted to him. Christian, my drug.

* * *

"I cannot believe that I let you talk me into this Lexi." I sighed as Alex put the finishing touches on her mom's hair.

"You look great. " She beamed as I just nodded. "Thanks so much for doing this mom." Alex hugged me from behind. It wasn't until then that the real seriousness of the situation. Alex had all her hopes riding on this. Somehow she thought that I was going to get back together with Javier.

"Don't get your hopes up honey. We'll be cordial. I'll try not to fight with him."

"Communication is a good start." Alex whispered. "You really look beautiful mom." She opened the door for me as I took in a deep breath.

For some reason I was sort of nervous ... _really _unsteady actually. It must have been some of those old memories coming back ... and the fact that I hadn't gone on a "date" in a long time.

"I don't want you think anything is going to happen here Alex. We're just doing this for you--"

"Don't lie to me. You still love each other. I can see it."

* * *

"Fareeza, just talk to me." Blu trailed after me once school was over.

"Hon, you made your choice when you started seeing Gavin. Your membership is terminated and so is anything else having to do with me."

"Look, I really need a friend right now." She whispered. "And not a mopey Spinner-type friend or an I'm gay, I'm not gay Marco but a girl."

"I have problems of my own to deal with--"

"You mean Jimmy." She blurted out continuing to follow me.

"Jimmy and I are fine."

"When your boyfriend is kissing someone else, you have a problem. Please, just go to the Dot with me. If you want me to leave you alone after ... we'll see." Blu smiled. At least she was honest. That was one thing that I valued in her.

"Let's make it the Beanery instead. The Dot has too much history for me." I explained thinking about how Jimmy and I _used _to hang out there.

"Cool." Blu hugged me quickly and then rushed to her car happily.

* * *

"Okay, Marco. Thanks so much for finding these adopt--" Ellie stopped herself after she realized they weren't alone. "... pet adoption."

"Hey Ellie." I whispered quietly.

"Why didn't you tell me that we had a snake in your home?"

"I just came by to see you before graduation ... what's with the adoption?"

"Do you think you have the right to ask me that?" Ellie avoided having contact with Sean. "Why don't you use your brain and think about it. You know what? Bad idea. You don't know what it means not to be an idiot so I'll simplify it for you. I'm adopting a pet."

"Don't insult me Ellie." I started to follow her. "I didn't come here for that."

"What is it that you want?"

"Why didn't you tell me about the baby?" I wondered desperately.

"Because you would've asked was it yours or _Jimmy's_ and that's just asinine because I made that story up. Unlike you, I can be faithful in a relationship." Ellie shouted back.

"So ... are you keeping it?"

"Does this look like I'm keeping 'it' as you call our child? I have no plans of being a teenage mom, but I don't have the heart to ... you know."

"Is there anything I can--"

"Don't say it. I won't beg or ask for your help. Emma probably wouldn't like it." Ellie smiled. "Let's just talk later this summer. I'm going out of town so ... don't wait around. I'll come to you."

I walked out disappointed. Ellie wouldn't even let me get close enough to touch her or hug her. The looks she was throwing me were filled with fear, like at any moment I would blow up and put her and the baby in the hospital.

I guess I wasn't too far away from that. I sighed as I left the house.

"And what is this other engagement you have going on during the summer?" Marco asked, peering from behind the kitchen door.

"You little sneak." Ellie scrunched up her nose. "I'm going on that road trip."

"What road trip?"

"The one Blu told me to tell you about. We had group a few days ago ... you know the whole teen therapy thing ... anyway, she told me to invite you, but I wasn't going to."

"I'm not going." Marco answered simply.

"Yes you are. I cannot go gallivanting across the Americas with a slut, a mom, a judgmental whore, and ... Jimmy. Not happening. You and me _are _going del Rossi and that's final."

* * *

I looked back at the small piece of plastic that I was holding in my hands. It was kind of sick and disgusting that this was controlling my destiny, my _life_. I couldn't believe that I was stepping into the same footsteps as my mom.

I was supposed to learn from Spike's mistakes and here I was ... doing what she probably did seventeen years earlier. In four minutes, I would know the results. I sat on the bed, fiddling with my phone. Maybe I could call someone ... Manny.

But Manny didn't want to hear about this. She had Craig drama. I started to dial the number I knew by heart and had dialed multiple times a day, but stopped myself. This was _my_ problem. I had to find out first, and then I'd call Manny.

My eyes moved to the clock. Two and a half minutes ... two minutes, less than two ... maybe if I put on a song, it would make the time go by faster. I cursed herself. I should have gotten the shorter test, but I wanted the most accurate one, which was consequently the most expensive too.

'Okay. Focus,' I thought to myself. I pulled out the CD closest to me and popped it in. No Doubt's "_Don't Speak_" pounded into my ears. 'Not this one.' This was the song I had cried to when going to sleep after I thought Sean was dead.

I looked at the scars on her arm. Still fresh. It was hard _not _to notice them, but by now, I was used to it... and I was getting used to wearing long bangs to cover up part of my face. It could've been worse.

My mind drifted back to my current dilemma. I lifted up my shirt to see if I looked any different ... any _fatter_. There was no way to tell. A missed period wasn't anything new to me, but it didn't make sense. We hadn't _done _anything ... not the whole thing ... not yet.

I looked back at the clock. It was time. A gasp of utter surprise flew from my mouth and then turned into a scream. I couldn't _believe_ the results.

* * *

**~~Have an opinion? Share it. Review.~~**


	61. Wasted, Part Two

**Wasted: Part Two,** (incomplete)

* * *

(A/N: This is a super rough draft of the whole thing and by the time I recover and start writing again, I may change both part 1 and part 2. Keep reading and tell me what you're thinking. --NL)

* * *

"So, tell me about Jimmy." Blu blurted as soon as we got a table at the Beanery.

"This is why I didn't want to go anywhere with you." I sighed. "We can't even have two minutes of peace without you bringing him up. Jimmy is off limits."

"When you hold things in, they stay with you and then it all blows up later." Blu retorted, crossing her legs towards me and moving in quicker. "So?"

"So ... nothing. There's nothing going on."

"That doesn't make any sense. He was drop dead crazy coo-coo for you and now he's apathetic. What's between the lines?"

"Manny Santos." I rolled my eyes. "You think she has some type of power over these guys or does like some magic spell on them?" I crossed my arms angrily. "I swear that every guy has nailed her or wants to."

"And Jimmy's on that list."

"Jimmy is a mistake ... to me, to his parents ... to the world." Blu chuckled as I finished my statement which made me smile a little. Okay, so I was being a little over-dramatic. Still, I was pissed. Instantly I returned to my normal disposition. "I would go into further detail, but that's reserved for friends."

"Come on Fareeza. So, I dated Spinner."

"Dated?"

"Dated or ... a little less. I don't know what's going on with us either. I used to be so ... wanting him around and now I can't make myself pick up the phone and face him." Blu answered as if to please me.

"You don't have to lie."

"I'm not. Spinner was a ... phase. Right now I don't know what I want, but you should tell me about Jimmy."

"Okay." I paused. "Jimmy and I used to gel. I felt so good around him and it was just like floating, but there's definitely something blocking... between us. Forget Manny Santos for a nano second. I ditched his graduation and don't even know where we're going to stand when he goes to university. They'll be a million other girls who are a thousand times more bustier and beautiful than Manny." I started. "If a guy falls out of love with a girl he should have the balls to say something and not just bull shit with her emotions."

"Hmm. Manny's definitely interesting." Blu commented. "Weird. I talked to her the other day ... or rather she said something to me." Blu paused, but I wasn't taking the bait. "She invited us on a roadtrip. I guess Jimmy was supposed to tell you but--"

"No way. Next you'll be telling me that Spinner is going too." I rolled my eyes as my anger started to take over a little.

"Spinner isn't the same as the people who killed your cousin. I never got to tell you how sorry I was about that ... and yes, you're completely justified in hating him, but if I can forgive him, so should you."

"Forgive him for what?" I asked. Now Blu was acting weird again. She shrugged it off.

"Here are the details about the trip." Blu pulled out a crumpled up piece of paper from her bag with grease stains and started writing down the information in her large, bubble-like handwriting. "Take it."

"Do I have to touch it? Blu, this is gross. I swear you're like a dude sometimes."

"If you do this thing with me I'll help you either get Jimmy back or get over him fast. It'll be fun. Party century. No parents." Blu smiled as I searched her face for some hidden cry for help. Her enthusiasm was screaming 'I'm running from something,' but I didn't know enough yet.

I shrugged, giving in. Deep down the thought of Jimmy and Manny going across North America, alone really irritated me. I had to go and see him. I had to find some answers ... and see if he was really more into Manny than me.

* * *

"See this here idea ... this was stupid."Marco complained to me. "No one is here Els."

"Yet. No one is here yet." She sighed. "You made me rush out of the house so we could get here half and hour early."

"Who all is going again?" Marco nagged.

"I don't think she'll be here. She's probably off fondling Spinner--"

"Or worse, they'll show up together, hand-in-hand, tongue-on-tongue."

"Bad visual." I grinned as Marco chuckled too. It was good to see him chill out for a mili-second. You would think being Valedictorian of our graduating class would ease his mind, but not this dude.

"Maybe I'll be so lucky and they won't show up. And maybe Sean will back out of this one too."

"Yeah." I answered distractedly. I secretly hoped that he'd be here. For some reason I just--

"Hey dumbass!" Blu's loud, obnoxious voice pierced through my ears. Following behind her were Fareeza and Spinner.

"Looks like it's your turn to take a trip down drama lane." I looked at Marco, whose jaw had practically detached itself and was dangling inches from the ground. "Close your mouth."

"This entire situation is not funny Ellie. It's really f-ed up." Marco lowered his voice as Blu flounced over in our direction.

"Hey guys."

"Hey." Marco answered as folded my arms over my chest ready to pound this chick into the ground the moment she started irking me ... that wouldn't take long. Blu's very presence made my skin want to crawl off of my body.

"You didn't think I'd let you go off and have fun without me did you?" Blu asked Marco, not even acknowledging existence, but looking ready to pounce on the next available guy like the closet prostitute she was.

"Yeah. We couldn't imagine our lives without you." I added sarcastically, looking to Marco for support but he just stood eerily silent as Blu waltzed by. She so planned that walk. I rolled my eyes. "Is it too late to go home?" I muttered to myself. The only thing that would make this worse would be if Sean and Emma were here ... together. At least it hadn't gotten that bad, yet.

"Oh look, more people." I muttered sarcastically.

* * *

I could just imagine it now. Me and Blu tangled in between each other's limbs. The heavy breathing, the sweat, the sweet uncertain pauses which only made the moment last longer. I knew that she knew that I was thinking about this and I hated it.

But every time I looked at her, it was all I saw. So far, nothing had been going on with her and Spinner which brought me relief tenfold. That didn't make the situation any less weird, but there was so much mystery ahead, like some really bad Latino Soap Opera. Either that or Passions with the mermaids and witches.

I shuddered at the thought of having to watch those shows. Blu loved them. She was this gorgeous brown, Asian-looking girl with no clue, no understanding of the Spanish language yet she sat back and watched so intently as if missing a milisecond would destroy the entire experience for her.

"Boo!" Caught off guard, I nearly jumped into the nearest cloud.

"What the hell? Not funny." I shook my head once I realized that it was Blu.

"You and a book? You brought a book for this getaway? Come on del Rossi. Get real."

"I forgot not everyone knows how to read."I shot back sharply.

"Ooh, being around Ellie has really brought out the bitch in you." Blu grinned. "If you weren't gay, I'd be slightly surprised."

"What are you doing here?" I asked trying to act ... normal.

"You dreamed me up so ... here I am." She joked, opening her purse and pulling out a plastic bag. "Want some?"

"I don't get high."

"Me neither ... well, not on a normal basis. I stole it from Spinner." Blu laid her legs on the other side of the seat as if completely unaware of the short bubble dress she was wearing. "I bought it especially for you. I knew you'd still have that stick up your ass."

"There's nothing up my ass." I rolled my eyes, bored with her.

"Well, I don't know about you, but that's my problem." Blu laughed. "It was a joke. You can laugh."

"I don't want to hear about you and Mason."

"Weren't you guys friends at one time?" Blu wondered, sitting beside me.

"In a galaxy far, far away." I muttered, looking down at the pages of my book, again.

"I didn't invite him here to piss you off. You're already teething over something, so tell me what I did wrong?" She practically begged. "Marco, come on. We're best friends for ev, right?"

"Ellie's my best friend."

"Okay, so you have two." She took my hand in hers. "Just tell me what I did so that I can fix it. I'll do anything for yo--"

"Don't." I snatched my hand away from hers. "The last time you said that we ..."

"Had sex?" She caught my eye. "You act like it's a disease or something really horrible. Look at it this way, we both know each other in every possible facet, every capacity." Blu smirked at our little secret.

"Maybe I don't want to know you that way." I argued back.

"Then why did you say it was okay? Why did you look at me like you wanted it?" Blu sighed. "You obviously don't want to talk to me about this but ... I don't regret sleeping with you. It was one of the most memorable things I've done in my life." Blu smiled hugging me suddenly. "I just wish that it wasn't tearing our friendship apart." She whispered into my ear.

I didn't say anything.

"Fine." She sighed. "Just let me know when you get over this because something really big is happening in my life and I need someone to talk to ... someone I can trust." Blu's lips met the side of my neck as I started to read a new line from the book. "See you del Rossi." She sighed, walking to another part of the Winnebago noticeably displeased.

I felt like such an ass.

* * *

"I am so glad to see you." Jimmy admitted as he tossed my bags into the vehicle. "I am, however a little bummed about not seeing you at graduation."

"Hundreds of people were there cheering you on. You didn't need me there." I answered lamely feeling stupid for saying those things about Jimmy earlier. Things didn't feel weird at all right now.

"Of course I did Freezie." He scooped me up tightly kissing me lightly as I bit my lip to keep from grinning.

"You suck."

"Why?" Jimmy wondered, kissing me again.

"Because I've been trying to be mad at you, but I can't." I flipped my blonde hair out of my face. "Like it?"

"Like what?"

"Everything. Don't act like you're blind Jimmy." I answered, referring to my shorter yet now curly blonde hair and cobalt blue mini dress.

"It's all right."

"All right? Yeah, I know ... I didn't have time to straighten my hair out." I explained. "Blu let me borrow this dress of hers. It's supposed to be Chanel or someone high end like that." I grinned. "And this bag is Gucci. It's a pre-graduation gift from her. Well, it's way premature but who cares. Oh and Heather Sinclair is going to totally hate me for it. It's one of a kind." I boasted.

"Oh my God." Jimmy shook his head wrapping his hands away from my body.

"What?"

"Nothing." He shrugged it off.

"No, it is something. No bull shit ... what the hell is up?" I could feel my anger rising. This was not the response I was expecting.

"I just see you changing up and--"

"You don't like it."

"Not really Freezie. I loved how you used to be modest and wear hijab and very little make-up and how you made more time to be with me. It was like us against the world ... But now you party with Heather Sinclair and Blu? That's a little bizarre for me."

"And you freaking out over a tan and a mini-dress bothers me." I clasped my hands together.

"You asked. No bull shit." Jimmy crossed his arms over his chest. "Just tell me ... why'd you do it? Why do you look like a Nicole Ritchie wannabe?"

"Let's see Jimmy ..." I started bitterly. "I am so sick and tired of being the scapegoat, the villain, the _gasp _'terrorist' because I'm Iraqi. Muslim is bad. Arab is evil. America is _justified_. My cousin deserved to die." I uttered sarcastically repeating what many Americans and Canadians alike were bombarded with by the brainwashing machine that is the media.

I sighed. "Maybe I want to be able to walk down the street and not have to be so damn cautious--"

"And thrusting your boobs everywhere is supposed to change that?" He rolled his eyes.

"They're called breasts and most guys like them."

"Whatever ... I guess they like the ass hanging out too. You know Blu's got impeccable prostitute clothing tastes." He paused. "And I love the caked up make-up and the orangey-hue tan. What's next, a bad nose job like Lil' Kim, implants to look like one of the Girls Next Door?"

"Do not insult me Jimmy." I felt tears welling up in my eyes. Damn it.

"You asked me to be honest." He shot back.

"Just fucking drop it." I threw up my hands in disgust. "You fucking asshole."

"I'll drop it Freezie." I heard the sincerity return to his voice. "You're just better than this, all this facade you're putting up. It's fake shit and I hate fake shit. We both do and you know this."

"Damn." I shook my head as a tear formed. I took off, rushing to the bathroom to take off some of this make-up and add something to make this outfit less ... revealing. I couldn't believe that he had just called my outfit hooker and accused me of changing. He completely ruined our short, yet sweet reunion by being half-right.

* * *

I had to hurry otherwise I wouldn't make it there on time. I hated the mall, but the thought of Ellie being ... preggers drove me wild. Somehow I wished that she had just lied to me and said they were rumours. Then, I would be thinking about what he I going to do for this summer, and the rest of my life.

Finally, I had made it to ... The Children's Place. Never had I thought I'd be in a store like this, or that people devoted so much time, energy, and thought into dressing kids. All they needed were diapers, a top, and pants. No biggie.

I slid past the front door as an attractive Filipino girl let him in. She was clearly checking him out, but I was pretending to be dumb. This here was what had caused so much trouble in the first place.

"Do you have baby clothes?"

"Yes. It's a children's store." She smiled. "What size? We have 3 months all the way up to 4T."

"Four T?" I rubbed my temple. God, I wasn't prepared for this. I was just going to get some freaking clothes and already I had no idea what the hell she was talking about. "Umm ... it's not born yet."

"Oh. You need newborn then. When's the baby due? We have a sale on 3,6, and 9 months."

"Due?" I racked my brain for an answer. The last time I touched Ellie was back before, no after Jay had died. That was in December/January. And it was now May so ... August or September. "August, September..."

"So, the fall then?" She asked in a chipper voice. "You need to look here." She lightly placed her arm on my shoulder, guiding me in the right direction.

"Thanks." I nodded, watching her walk away and completely not watching where I was going. "Damn." I muttered, after I had bumped into someone else.

"Sorry." A female voice apologized as I looked closer. Tall blonde, familiar voice ... Emma. Immediately, I knew what this meant. The word had somehow gotten around to Emma, meaning that she knew about little Sean and was here to support me with that.

"Emma, what are you doing here?"

"I was ... looking around at stuff. This is the mall."

"You hate the mall." I answered.

"Fine. I'm buying baby stuff..." Her voice trailed off as she looked at me intensely.

"You heard about Ellie then?"

"No, Sean, I didn't ... what about her?"

"You didn't?" I nearly scratched my head, puzzled. "Then why are you here?"

"Because Sean, I ... I just need some space, okay?" Emma turned her back to me and continued to shop.

"Fine." I shrugged, stalling and waiting around until Emma was getting ready to leave so that I could talk to her again, but this time without hushed voices. I was going to have to make a decision between the two girls once and for all which, under these circumstances, majorly sucked.

But right now, I had to find out where Ellie was. I needed to get her to talk to me … and Emma.

* * *

"This road trip blows." Blu plopped down beside me as I tried to cover up my washed out mascara. It was supposed to be waterproof, but truth be told, these things never were. I felt seriously like shit after Jimmy spoke his mind to me.

I mean, who the hell did he think he was telling me that I looked like a whore? The thing that equally pissed me off was my response to everything. I ran into the bathroom, like a huge ass baby and ripped off the blue dress asap. Now, I was sitting in jeans, okay _skinny jeans_, and a sweatshirt, which was all I could do to look more "modest."

"Okay, why are you a mute all of a sudden and what happened to your clothes Freezie?"

"You were so wrong. Jimmy hates everything about me now."

"It's just an excuse to justify what he's feeling for Manny." Blu answered swiftly as I gave her a look. Not what I wanted to hear. "Sorry, but it's the truth. That's what most guys do. They cower out of it and blame the girl instead."

"Jimmy's not like most guys."

"Unless he has a vagina that I'm unaware of, he's a dude and all dudes are the same, whether they're gay or straight."

"Uh-oh." I chimed in noticing the random gay part. "Have you been talking to Marco again?"

"Sadly yes." Blu sighed to me. "We must be the two most hated girls here. Marco is completely trying to ignore me." She rested her head on my shoulder. "Oh well. Whatever's bothering him, he'll get over it, but being stuck on a bus all day with people who hate me is not the most fun idea."

"We're not here for fun. You're trying to get back into Marco's good graces and I'm saving my relationship."

"You better try a little harder." Blu suggested upon hearing Manny and Jimmy laughing simultaneously.

"That's it." I stood up angrily ready to go up there.

"Wait. Take a look in the mirror Freez … you've got to get it together first."

* * *

(A/N: I wrote this so long ago ... maybe a year ago?? I'm posting what I have now and when I'm no longer in pain I'll write more. So far, I'm loving this alternate ending. How about you all?? --NL)

* * *


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